STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS leaked scene

[CaptainWacky]

(Kirk and Bones have a Klingon prisoner TIED TO A CHAIR. Kirk punches him in the ribs.)

Kirk: WHERE IS HARRISON.

Klingon: I'LL NEVER TALK.

Kirk: RRRRRRRR!

(Kirk keeps punching and punching.)

Kirk: TELL ME!

Klingon: NEVER!

Bones: DAMN IT JIM, don't punch him like that! Punch him in the neck! They're sensitive there!

Kirk: GOOD ADVICE!

(Kirk punches the Klingon in the neck several times but he still won't talk. SPOCK bursts in.)

Spock: Captain, torture is illogical and cruel.

Klingon: Listen to your Vulcan lapdog, Captain! Hey Vulcan, are you the one dating the black chick? Poor girl! She's never had a REAL MAN in her bed! Once you go Klingon you NEVER go back!

Spock: ...tell Mister Scotty to bring in THE DEVICE.

Kirk: Spock, are you sure, it's untested!

Spock: This Klingon bastard deserves it.

Bones: I'm finally starting to like you!

(Scotty walks in with a DEVICE grinning.)

Scotty: Keenser and I have been working on this wee beauty for a while now, hehe!

Klingon: What is that? What will it do?

Kirk: It's quite simple, bastard. This is an organ transporter. It can transport your organs out of your body. Tell me where Harrison is or I'll beam your heart out.

Klingon: Ha, your Starfleet TYPES are PUSSIES, you'd never do that!

(Kirk preses a button and SUDDENLY the Klingon's HEART appears in front of him suspended in a transporter beam and still beating. There is PINK BLOOD floating around too, SEE I WATCED STAR TREK VI! - Orci.)

Klingon: GACK!

Bones: You have TEN SECONDS before this kills you!

Klingon: The moon! He's on EARTH'S MOON! Pleae, beam it back!

Kirk: Mister Scott, beam the heart...

Klingon: Thank you!

Kirk: ...INTO SPACE!

Scotty: Aye!

(You see the heart floating away through a window. The Klingon dies.)

Kirk: Now let's go Kirk John Harrison's ass on the moon.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(LENS FLARE on the bridge so we can't see what's happened but then we see KIRK for a split second before more LENS FLARE.)

Sulu: We're in orbit around the EARTH'S MOON, captain.

Kirk: FIRE!

Chekov: Sir?

Kirk: Blow the whole moon away! We can't take any chances when it comes to Harrison!

Chekov: AYE AYE, SIR!

(The Enterprise fires LIKE FIVE HUNDRED TORPEDOS and also phases and some weird BOMBS THINGS out of some tube. BUT the moon is UNHARMED!)

Kirk: WHAT THE HELL.

Spock: Captain, I am detecting A POWERFUL SHIELD around the moon!

Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed BY THE MOON.

Kirk: ON SCREEN.

(JOHN HARRISON, ADMIRAL HARDASS and OLD SPOCK appear on screen.)

Admiral: DAMN IT, KIRK, what the HELL are you doing pounding the moon? We could have been killed!

Spock Prime: MOST illogical.

Kirk: You traitors! You're working with Harrison!

Admiral: DAMN IT, KIRK, Harrison is a HERO! He's turning the moon into a WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION to DEFEND the Earth against the Klingon threat!

Kirk: What! NO! Harrison's a bastard, not a hero!

(Everyone on the bride nods along with Kirk.)

Admiral: DAMN IT, KIRK, you got him all wrong!

Kirk: He blew up London!

Admiral: That was just a TEST for his new weapon! It wasn't supposed to blow up all of London, THE KLINGONS sabotaged it probably! Anyway those deaths WERE WORTH IT to save the whole planet!

Spock Prime: The NEEDS OF THE MANY outweigh THE NEEDS OF THE FEW. MY KIRK understood that.

Kirk: Maybe YOU'RE KIRK was a PUSSY then! And maybe YOU ARE too! I'm FORGING MY OWN DESTINY away from your OUTDATED OLD KIRK.

Spock Prime: Please, calm yourself...

Spock: SHUT YOUR MOUTH, old man! I hope I never grow up to be YOU!

Kirk: Your ENTIRE TIMELINE can GO TO HELL as far as I'm concerned!

(Old Spock raises an eyebrow but because Leonard Nimoy's old he probably can't do it so it's done with CGI instead.)

Admiral: DAMN IT, KIRK, how DARE you be such a fearless maverick who doesn't play by the rules! I'm kicking you OUT of Starfleet!

Kirk: You can't kick me out of Starfleet, I QUIT!

Everyone Else: SO SAY WE ALL.

Admiral: Then may GOD have mercy on your soul.

(Harrison pulls a SMUG FACE behind Admiral and Spock Prime's back to prove that he's STILL EVIL.)

McCoy: What now, Jim?

(Kirk RIPS HIS STARFLEET UNIFORM OFF revealing his enhanced by CGI HOT CHEST.)

Kirk: Now? Now we put some black trenchcoats on...and get DARK.

(Sulu punches the air.)

Sulu: YES!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Aquehonga]

Continue please Admiral Wacky!

May 17th it comes out yes?

 

[CaptainWacky]

(LENS FLARE.)

Sulu: We are in Earth orbit, Captain.

Bones: What are we going to do now?

Kirk: Spock, Uhura and I are going to go down to Earth and get some answers from Harrison's girlfriend...WHATEVER IT TAKES. Scotty, beam us down!

Scotty: AYE, sir! Wait! Ach! Bollocks! There's a TRANSPORTER BLOCKING FIELD all around Earth!

Kirk: Harrison!

Uhura: The bastard thinks of everything!

Kirk: Scotty, can PHYSICAL OBJECTS pass through that field?

Scotty: AYE, they can, sir! It only blocks TRANSPORTER ATOMS!

Kirk: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Spock?

Spock: Time to go skydiving!

Kirk: MISTER SULU, take us in CLOSER to Earth!

Chekov: But KEPTAIN, someone will see the Enterprise and shoot us!

Kirk: Not if we engage STEALTH MODE! Spock...ENGAGE STEALTH MODE!

Spock: AYE AYE!

(We see all the surface panels of the exterior of the Enterprise FLICK OVER and they're BLACK on the other side! The Enterprise is now COMPLETELY DARK and can't be see against the DARKNESS of space!)

Chekov: IT WERKED!

Sulu: We're directly above San Fransisco, captain!

Kirk: TO THE SHUTTLE BAY!

(When KIRK, SPOCK AND UHURA arrive in the Shuttle Bay they're all wearing LEATHER TRENCHCOATS and Uhura is wearing LEATHER PANTS for some reason. BONES runs in after them.)

Bones: BLAST IT, JIM, don't let this GREEN-BLOODED maniac make you do this! He just HAS A DEATH WISH because of VULCAN being BLOWED UP and also he's bitter about his older self being an old BASTARD.

(Spock GRABS Bones around the throat with ONE HAND and LIFTS HIM up.)

Spock: I find your lack of logic DISTURBING.

Kirk: Spock, let him go. Bones, cram it! We're going to sky dive down to Earth and YOU are in charge while we're gone. MAKE ME PROUD you old country GIT.

(Bones starts crying IN AN EMOTIONAL SCENE.)

Bones: I'll try!

Kirk: Now let's...DIVE!

(Kirk, Spock and Uhura SKY DIVE out of the open shuttle bay door and down THOUSANDS OF FEET towards Earth.)

Spock: Wait, I'm detecting PROBES.

Kirk: Damn Harrison! EVADE THEM!

(Kirk, Spock and Uhura do cool MID SKY DIVE EVASION MOVES to avoid the PROBES that are SHOOTING LASERS at them. All three land safely ON THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and we see a close-up of Uhura's ass in leather pants.)

Kirk: And now to find Harrison's TRAITOR girlfriend and MAKE HER TALK...and Spock...you have my permission to FORCE her to mind meld with you.

Spock: A LOGICAL move!

(Uhura looks TURNED ON by the thought of Spock mind-raping a girl.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kirk, Spock and Uhura arrive at HARRISON'S HOME.)

Kirk: This is the place!

(Spock uses a VULCAN NERVE PINCH on the door lock to open it. They find a note inside. Kirk reads it.)

Kirk: Dear SON, I am going out to the bar across the street to get drunk. See you later!

Spock: Fascinationg. Harrison and his traitor girlfriend have a son.

Uhura: Perhaps we can torture the child to get Harrison to end this madness!

Kirk: Perhaps! You two search this place, I'll go over to the bar and seduce the girl!

(Kirk runs off. Spock and Uhura look around.)

Uhura: Maybe we should check...the bedroom.

(Spock raises his eyebrow and CGI is used so it looks exactly the same as Spock Prime's for SYMBOLISM.)

Spock: But we have to stop Harrison...

Uhura: We both know Harrison can DETONATE the Earth at any moment. If I'm going to die, I'm going to die doing what I love...or rather WHO I love.

Spock: You know, I feel a MINI PON FARR coming on...

(They rush to the bedroom. MEANWHILE Kirk arrives at the bar and sits down next to A BLONDE WOMAN.)

Kirk: What are you having?

Woman: NOTHING YOU HAVE, James.

Kirk: You...how did you know...

Woman: You really don't remember me, do you? We dated at the Academy!

Kirk: My God, it's you...Elizabeth Dehner!

Woman: No! I'm CAROL MARCUS. How many women did you date!?

Kirk: A few!

Carol Marcus: You really don't remember me? We dated for months!

Kirk: Look, I was a cadet back then, I'm the Captain of the flagship now, a long time has passed.

Carol: It was a year ago!

Kirk: Oh yeah...that is kind of hard to believe, isn't it? Anyway, YOU'RE dating Harrison? BUT WHAT!

Carol: Dating Harrison? Hah! You couldn't possibly understand our relationship...but I am on his side.

Kirk: YOU BITCH, why?

Carol: You walked out on me, James! Left me alone...AND PREGNANT.

Kirk: What! No! I never knew!

Carol: LIAR! I sent you so many space emails!

Kirk: I never got any...

Carol: I sent them to your old home in Iowa. Your dad said he'd pass them on.

KirK: My dad...you mean my evil stepdad? He's a dick! He must have deleted them all! If I had known you were pregnant, I would have replied!

Carol: Oh...huh...umm...maybe I've made a mistake then...

Kirk: I liked you, but you were always working on science projects! That's why I had to get side action from hot Orion girls! What was that thing you were working on with the Bible name...

Carol: Genesis.

Kirk: Yes! How's that going anyway?

Carol: It's about to destroy the Earth.

Kirk: What!

Carold: I'm TRULY SORRY.

(She pulls out a phaser and SHOOTS HERSELF IN THE HEAD.)

Kirk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Kirk runs out of the bar.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kirk runs into Harrison's home across the street.)

Kirk: Spock, Uhura! I need to know everything about Genesis! Where are you?

Spock: Uhh, in here...

(Kirk goes into the bedroom where Spock and Uhura are IN THEIR UNDERWEAR on the bed. There is a FORCEFIELD around it.)

Uhura: Harrison booby-trapped his bed with a forcefield.

Kirk: But what were you doing in his bed...oh...how unprofessional! But great buns...SPOCK!

(They all laugh.)

Kirk: No, but really, Genesis is going to destroy the Earth, whatever that means.

Spock: I read about the Genesis Device in the anals of SCIENCES. It can turn a dead planet to life! It can speed up evolution and growth in a matter of seconds.

(The camera focuses on Uhura in her underwear during this SCIENCE SPEAK so that the audience don't get bored.)

Kirk: And Carol has given this device to Harrison all because I walked out on our son! Damn it! Hang on, who's that!

(A LITTLE BOY walks in.)

Kirk: You...you must be my son! My God, you look just like me! Speak to me, son!

(The boy says nothing.)

Kirk: Why won't you speak?

Voice: Because he is not the child of Carol Marcus and James Kirk. I AM.

(A man STABS Kirk in the KIDNEY! It's John Harrison!)

Kirk: That's impossible! That's not true! No!

Harrison: Search your inner thoughts...FATHER...and you will find it is true!

Kirk: But you should be a child, like this little boy...

(The little boy disappears as he was a HOLOGRAM sent to fool Kirk!)

Harrison: I was a boy...FATHER.

Kirk: Stop doing that!

Harrsion: Fine! I was a boy! A boy who saw how sad his mother is! And decided I wanted vengeance not just on you...FATHER...but on all of Starfleet for taking you away from us! And all of Earth! That's why I used the Genesis Device ON MY OWN BRAIN!

Spock: Fascinating!

Harrison: Yes! It made me age super fast AND made me super intelligent and super strong! AND YOU COULD SAY CRAZY. But that's just a point of view! FROM MY POINT OF VIEW you are the one who is crazy!

Kirk: Huh?

Harrsion: Earth is my playground now...the playground I NEVER HAD because I MISSED my childhood because I used the Genesis device on my own brain BECAUSE OF YOU!

Kirk: Huh?

Harrison: Basically EVERYTHING that's going on here is because of my reatlionship with my NEGLECTFUL FATHER. That's why everyone has died and will die! It's literall all YOUR FAULT! And now I will open a transwarp conduit to the Klingon Homeworld and ALL OF EARTH will be ravaged!

Kirk: But you damn it you turned the Moon into a super weapon! Why not just use that to detonate the Earth and kill everyone!

Harrison: I want to PUNISH the Earth for SIX MONTHS first! I will give them hope! Then KILL THEM!

Kirk: That seems like a waste of tme.

Harrison: Waste of time or not, there is nothing you can do to stop me! All you can do is watch!

Kirk: Maybe you're right. Maybe you'll kill every soul on Earth. Maybe we can't save the Earth. But if we can't...you can be damn sure we'll AVENGEANCE it!

Harrison: That's not even a word! I'M GLAD I wasn't raised by you! BUT ALSO I HATE YOU.

(He slaps Kirk and walks out, his BIG BLACK COAT billowing in the wind.)

Kirk: This...this is the end.

Spock: Indeed.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kirk is writhing around on the floor with BLOOD pouring out of his kidney. Spock and Uhura are still trapped in bed.)

Kirk: The world...about to end...and all because...I was a bad father...

Spock: I believe I have detected the locking mechanism. However, it is too delicate to pick.

Uhura: Let me see...I believe I can pick it.

Spock: You have thing, feminine fingers, but even they could not...

Uhura: Not with my fingers. With my tongue.

Spock: I don't understand!

Uhura: My tongue can do things a normal human tongue cannot. That's why I'm so good with language. That's why I can pronounce your real name.

Spock: I am forever grateful to that tongue for that.

Uhura: It can do other things too...

Kirk: WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP.

Uhura: Oh, sorry.

(ZOOM IN on Uhura's tongue as she picks the forcefield lock IN SLOW MOTION. Finally the forcefield drops.)

Kirk: You did it!

Spock: Fascinating.

Uhura: I have always said...that I am...a VERY...cunning linguist.

(Pause to allow the cinema audience to laugh, then Spock and Uhura run over to help Kirk up.)

Kirk: NO! I'll walk out of here under my OWN POWER. Show MY SON that I'm still A MAN.

(Kirk limps out under his own power, even though blood is still falling out of his kidney. They go out onto the street.)

Kirk: HARRISON! COME AND FACE ME!

Spock: THERE!

(Harrison is standing on top of a LARGE PLATFORM with a CONTROL CONSOLE.)

Harrison: You're too late...FATHER. Once I hit THESE BUTTONS in the right order a transwarp conduit will open in the sky and my Klingon army will take Earth! And once they have...I will use the moon as a weapon of mass destruction to DESTROY EARTH AND THENM AND YOU AND ME AND EVERYONE HAHAHAHA!

Kirk: Is there ANYTHING I can say to change your mind.

Harrison: You will not deny me my vengeance!

Kirk: And so it is.

(Kirk JUMPS THROUGH THE AIR KARATING KICKING the platform and it FALLS OVER! Spock punches the air.)

Spock: YES!

Kirk: Oww, my kideny.

Uhura: It's over, Harrison!

Harrison: Or...or IS IT.

(Harrison pulls himself up and pulls a REMORT CONTROL out of his pocket.)

Kirk: No!

Harrison: I always have a back-up plan FATHER, UNLIKE YOU WITH BIRTH CONTROL!

(He presses a button.)

Kirk: What have you DONE.

Harrison: Let Hell RAIN!

(A TRANSWARP CONDUIT opens in the sky and LOTS OF KLINGON WARRIORS fly through on FLYING BIKES that are SHAPED LIKE BIRDS OF PREY.)

Kling: K'PLAH!

(The Klingons shoot up some trams and stuff as terrified humans run around screaming.)

Kirk: Spock, Uhura, fight off as many as you can...I'm...I'm dying...

(He collapses! BUT THEN BONES CALLS HIM ON HIS COMMUNICATOR.)

Bones: Captain! I'm detecting that your kidney is shutting down! I'll be able to beam you up...IN FIVE MINUTES.

Spock: HE DOESN'T HAVE THAT LONG!

(Dramatic zoom in on Kirk's face as his eyes CLOSE!)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(On the Enterprise, Bones is PACING in front of the Captain's chair.)

Bones: DAMN IT, Scotty, give me some GOOD NEWS.

Scotty: I can't get Harrison's transporter blocking fields offline in FIVE MINUTES.

Bones: You heard that half-breed Spock, we don't HAVE five minutes. You'll have to LAND THE ENTERPRISE ON THE SURFACE.

Scotty: I canne change the law of physics, Doctor! The Earth's gravity will tear us apart!

Chekov: There's an old Russian saying, Mister Scot. It says ANY law can be broken!

Scotty: That's it! I'll reverse the polarity on the tractor beam and turn it into a REPELLING BEAM!

(Scotty JUMPS to the Engineering console and PRESSES SOME BUTTONS REALLY FAST.)

Scotty: It's done!

Bones: TAKE US DOWN THERE, SULU.

Sulu: Aye aye! Oh no, TWENTY KLINGON WARBIRDS!

(TWENTY KLINGONG WARBIRDS come out of warp between the Enterprise and the Earth. They launch KLINGON FIGHTER JETS at the Enterprise!)

Chekov: Shields down to four percent!

Bones: KEEP US ON COURSE, SULU, WE'RE GOING TO LAND THIS BIRD.

Sulu: AYE AYE!

(ENSIGN SHITTPYANTS JUMPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR.)

Ensign: Doctor McCoy, this is MADNESS! Those Klingons will blow us all up to hell before we land! And even if we do there's a transwarp conduit opened down there! It's HELL ON EARTH.

Bones: It's worth it to save Jim.

Ensign: You'd kill us all just to save one man?

Bones: DAMN RIGHT, SONNY.

Ensign: You shouldn't even be in charge! You're a doctor! That's it! I'm staging A MUTINY!

(Bones PUNCHES ensign Shittypants in the mouth! His TEETH fly out in SLOW MOTION and we see LENS FLARE reflected on the teeth!)

Bones: You are DISMISSED!

(Loads of CGI shots of Klingon fighter jets shooting the Enterprise as they get closer to Earth.)

Chekov: Shields at 0.00000000000000000000000005%!

Bones: STAY ON TARGET...

Scotty: We're nearly ready to land! I better activate the INVERTED TRACTOR BEAM!

(But as soon as he says this a KLINGON FIGHTER JET does a SUICIDE RUN right into the tractor beam, DESTROYING IT!)

Scotty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bones: SHIT!

Chekov: Shields are DOWN!

Sulu: What now!

Scotty: The gravity is RIPPING US UP!

(THE GRAVITY pulls the Enterprise's right nacelle COMPLETEY OFF and it crashes into a building BLOWING IT UP and KILLING EVERYONE INSIDE.)

Chekov: We'll be DEAD when we hit the Earth!

Bones: That's it! Mister Sulu, change course! Land us...IN THE SEA!

(The Enterprise CRASHES THROUGH THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE and plumets INTO THE OCEAN! Spock, Uhura and dying Kirk are still watching.)

Uhura: The fuck was that!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Kirk is still dying.)

Harrison: Hahaha! Mine is the superior! And, by that, I mean my intellect! My intellect is the superior!

Uhura: I'll kill you for this!

Spock: Uhura, please...

(He tries to hold her back but she PUNCHES HIM IN THE NOSE. Uhura runs at Harrison. TWELVE KLINGON WARRIORS attack her. She SNAPS THE NECK of the first one, spins over the second into a BRUTAL KICK to the third, then turns back and SNAPES THE SECOND'S NECK, grabs the fourth's Bat'leth with her BARE HANDS, cuts through another four with a SINGLE SWING. The others FLEE IN FEAR.)

Spock(with bleeding nose): That's my girl!

(A KLINGON FIGHTER flies over and JUST MISSES Spock with LASER FIRE.)

Kirk: She can kill every Klingon on the planet in single combat, it won't make a difference as long as those Klingon Fighters are still in the air!

(SUDDENLY a FEDERATION WARSHUTTLE rises from THE OCEAN with SCOTTY in the cockpit and KEENSER at the the guns!)

Kirk: It's the WARSHUTTLE Scotty and Keenser were working on!

(The WARHSHUTTLER flies into action EASILY taking out TEN Klingon Fight Jets in a blaze of phasers and LENS FLARE.)

Spock: But you're still dying...and I know how to save you!

Kirk: Spock, wait...if I don't make it through this...I want you to know...that I...always...loved...

Spock: Sssssh. That's okay. I am, and always shall be, your lover as well. Your friend lover, that is.

Kirk: OF COURSE.

(Spock turns and runs away then DIVES off the remains of the Golden Gate Bridge into the OCEAN. He swims towars the WRECKAGE of the Enterprise. But KLINGON SHARKS that must have come through the transwarp conduit or something come swimming towards him. Spock defeats the first with a NERVE PINCH and PUNCHES the second in the SHARK NOSE. He swims up to the Enterprise and opens a SEALED DOOR. He's on the bridge! CONSOLES ARE EXPLODING and stuff.)

McCoy: Spock! How did you...

Spock: Damn it, Doctor, abandon ship and save Jim.

McCoy: You mean just leave everyone here to die?

Spock: Sometimes the needs of the many are outweighed by the needs of the one.

McCoy: That sounds DAMN ILLOGICAL to me!

Spock: To HELL with logic.

McCoy: We'll make a human out of you yet! MISTER SULU, you have the bridge! Get the Enterprise back in the air!

Sulu: AYE AYE!

(Just as he says this, his console explodes, probably killing him.)

McCoy: ...better make that Chekov in charge.

(Spock and McCoy start SWIMMING BACK. MEANWHILE, Uhura is fighting Harrison.)

Uhura: Why do you hate Kirk so much!? Why do you want him dead?

Harrison: Because we all kill our parents in the end.

Uhura: ...does that even make sense?

Harrison: SILENCE, WOMAN. I am beyond human now. BEYOND FLESH.

(He shoots and ENERGY BOLT out of his hand and it hits Uhura. He starts walking over to her slowly...meanwhile, Spock and McCoy are with Kirk.)

Kirk: It's too late...my kideny is dead...

McCoy: Then grow a new one!

(McCoy gives him one of those kidney growing pills from Star Trek IV, SEE I WATCHED IT - Orci.)

(Kirk INSTNATLY jumps up, fully healed!)

Kirk: HARRISON!

(Kirk gives Harrison a FLYING PUNCH.)

Harrison: It's too late...St-Vo-Kor is on Earth!

Uhura: That's just the name of the Klingon afterlife.

Random Klingon: ACTUALLY the name Sto-Vo-Kor originally comes from the ancient dragon that sends us to the afterlife...AND HIS IS AWAKENED.

(A HUGE FUCKING DRAGON flies through the transwarp conduit and MELTS Starflett HQ with FIRE.)

Kirk: St-Vo-Kor!

Random Klingon: We call him Staug for short!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(STAUG THE DRAGON melts like a HUNDRED BUILDINGS and you see tiny little CGI people disappear in the fire.)

Harrison: DEATH IS THE FIRE IN WHICH YOU BURN!

(Kirk punches him again.)

Kirk: Is there any way to stop this dragon?

Spock: No, all is hopeless...WAIT! I think I see something!

(Spock does a COOL FORWARD ROLL for no particular reason.)

Spock: YES! My KEEN VULCAN EYES can discern it! There is a WEAKSPOT on the dragon's belly, a spot with no armour! A good hard torpedo in there would kill him!

Kirk: Scotty! Are you hearing this?

(Scotty is somehow hearing this conversation inside his special WARSHUTTLE.)

Scotty: Aye! I've got a good clear shot now...damn it, the torpedo is stuck!

Keenser: Shiiiiit!

Scotty: Captain...I'm going to have to ram the beastie. It has been an honour serving with you, laddie.

Kirk: The same, Mister Scott!

(Scotty puts the WARSHUTTLE to RAMMING SPEED.)

Keenser: The shuttle only needs one pilot for ramming speed...ME!

(Keenser PRESSES A BUTTON and Scotty is BEAMED OUT. He appears next to Kirk and friends.)

Scotty: Keenser, och! NAE!

(The WARSHUTTLE RAMS right through Staug's WEAKSPOT! The dragon DIES IN AGONY, FALLING onto hundreds more buildings in its deaththroes and destroying them too, killing hundreds more people.)

Harrison: Hahaha! You think that's going to stop me? I still have my moon of mass destruction! ADMIRAL HARDASS still thinks I'm a good guy and WILL crash the moon into Earth on my command! And I AM going to command him...RIGHT NOW!

(He tries to contact ADMIRAL HARDASS on his communicator but can't!)

Uhura: I blocked the signal, BITCH.

Harrison: Congratulations. You just bought the Earth ELEVEN MINUTES. That's how long it'll take me to get to the moon...ON THIS KLINGON BIRD OF PREY!

(A KLINGON BIRD OF PRAY DECLOAKDS behind Harrison and he dramatically BACKFLIPS into it and it flies away.)

Kirk: No! Without the WARSHUTTLE there's no way of getting up there to stop him!

(SUDDENLY the Enterprise RISES out of the OCEAN and it's all WET but it's REPAIRED!)

Chekov: I was really RUSSIAN those repairs!

Sulu: I'm still alive!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Everyone is BEAMED back onto the BRIDGE. Kirk is beamed DIRECTLY ONTO HIS CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, SITTING DOWN, somehow.)

Kirk: Are we good to go?

(Scotty looks at a CONSOLE.)

Scotty: Och! The ship's held together BY A THREAD. SHODDY WORKMANSHIP.

Chekov: I did the best I could, you Scottish git!

(Scotty PUNCHES Chekov.)

Scotty: I'm nae in the mood for your crap, Pavel! Not after what happened to wee Keenser!

Kirk: FORGET KEENSER and get this ship in the air! If Harrison crashes the moon into the Earth it'll probably kill a million people!

Spock: It will kill everyone, Captain.

Kirk: EVEN WORSE!

(The Enteprise TAKES OFF. PARTS FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE SHIP start FALLING to the Earth's surface, DESTROYING MANY BUILDINGS and KILLING LOADS OF PEOPLE.)

Sulu: Earth's gravity is PULLING PARTS OF THE SHIP OFF!

Kirk: KEEP US STEADY.

(Sulu KEEPS THE ENTERPRISE STEADY and it CATCHES UP with the bird of prey.)

Kirk: Chekov, fire!

(But Chekov is UNCONSCIOUS becasue of SCotty punching him!)

Kirk: Damn it!

(Kirk JUMPS from the Captain's chair to Chekov's chair, but before he can shoot the Klingons, the Klingons SHOOT THE ENTERPRISE with TEN TORPEDOS! HALF THE SAUCER SECTION is BLOWN OFF!)

Spock: I'm detecting HEAVY DAMAGE, Captain!

Uhura: Incoming transmission from Harrison, Captain!

(HARRISON appears on the viewscreen standing in front of the Klingon Captain, smiling!0

Harrison: Looks like you got caught with your britches down...FATHER!

Kirk: Damn it, John, don't do this! Don't destroy Earth! We can talk about this! You're a remarkable young man! Using the Genesis Device on your brain, you must be capable of so much! Why waste your life on destroying Earth?

Harrison: ...BECAUSE I AM SUPERIOR!

(SUDDENLY the Klingon captain JUMPS UP and SLITS HARRISON'S THROAT with one of those KLINGON KNIVES!)

Klingon: I've had enough of his talking. I don't really care about destroying Earth. We've had a good time, now we'll go home!

Kirk: You Klingon bastard, you killed my son...thanks!

Klingon: Haha! We're not so different, you and I! Perhaps we could go TARG HUNTING TOGTHER!

(SUDDENLY Harrison SPRINGS UP and CUTS THE KLINGONG IN HALF RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE FROM THE GROIN UP with a Bat'leth!)

Kirk: NO! HOW!

Harrison: The Genesis Device kept my alive! And now the moon...WILL KEEP YOU DEAD! Admiral Hardass...FIRE THE WEAPON!

(THE MOON STARTS MOVING TOWARDS EARTH!)

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[Aquehonga]

This is better than the actual movie will probably be.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Kirk: Mister Sulu...PREPARE RAMMING SPEED!

Uhura: Men! RAMMING is your solution to everything!

Spock: In this case it won't work. Ramming the Enterprise into the moon will not destroy the moon, but only the Enterprise.

Kirk: We can't know that for sure unless we try! SULU, NOW!

Sulu: I won't do it, captain.

Kirk: So it's MUTINY then...

(Kirk laucnes a flying karate kick at Sulu. Sulu jumps back up holding a SAMURAI SWORD.)

Uhura: Men! Always whipping your swords out!

Scotty: I believe I have a solution, lads! The Transwarp conduit! If we open it in front of the moon then the moon will be transwarped to the Klingon homeworld and destroy that shithole instead of Earth!

Bones: Commit genocide to save ourselves!?

Scotty: After what those bastards did to Keenser? Aye!

Chekov: We could just redirect the conduit so that it opens somewhere else!

Scotty: That's what a PANSY RUSSIAN would do...

Kirk: Can it be done, Spock?

Spock: It can, but the controls to the transwarp conduit are still on Earth!

Kirk: BEAM ME DOWN.

Scotty: Och, the transporters are nae working, ya ken?

(Kirk instantly presses a button and a forcefield that is covering a big HOLE that was blown in the bridge opens up and Kirk DIVES OUT OF IT and towards Earth.)

Bones: Damn fool doens't even have a space parachute!

(Spock instantly DIVES AFTER HIM holding a SPACE PARACHUTE. In MID AIR Spock attachs it to Kirk. They land in San Fransisoc. KLINGONS are SLAUGHTERING civilians.)

Kirk: Oh yeah, there's still thousand of Klingons on Earth killing people. To the controls!

(They fight their way through Klingons and to the transwarp controls but HARRISON is already there!)

Kirk: YOU!

Harrison: Hello FATHER. Did you really think I'd not know your EVERY MOVE. The GENESIS DEVICE gave me super intelligence!

Kirk: You're no son of mine, Harrison! I don't believe your cock and bull story about the Genesis Device!

Harrison: Haha...maybe I was LYING all along. You'll never know! I'm keeping it ambiguous for some reason!

(He jumps at Kirk and Spock with a FLYING KICK. THEY ALL FIGHT for like ten minutes until Spock puts Harrison in a Sharpshooter and Kirk gets to the controls.)

Kirk: It's done!

Spock: Cool!

(Kirk, Spock and Harrison are all BEAMED UP to the Enterprise bridge!)

Scotty: Turns out the transporters were working all along!

(Harrison suddenly TURNS INTO ATOMS.)

Harrison(as atoms): No! Genesis was unstable! The transporter has broken me apart! NO!! FATHER! I LOVE YOU!!!!

(He is gone.)

Kirk: So...umm...yeah...the transwarp conduit?

Scotty: It's open in front of the moon!

Kirk: And it won't destroy the Klingon homeworld?

Scotty: ...sure.

(Admiral Hardass appears on screen.)

Admiral Hardass: What's going on!?

Kirk: IT'S A SABOTAGE!

Admiral Hardass: NOOOOOOOO!

(The flies into the transwarp conduit. The Earth is safe again!)

Kirk: So what now?

Bones: I could use a drink.

Scotty: How about a toast...to Keenser?

Kirk: ...yeah, a drink sounds good!

(LATER. They're all in a BAR on EARTH. Spock and Uhura are sitting on the same stool MAKING OUT. Chekov and Sulu are playing pool. Scotty is looking sadly into the bottom of his glass thinking of Keenser.)

Bones: Well Jim, looks like Spock got the girl, again!

Kirk: He got one girl, Bones...

(Kirk looks round at FOUR CAT GIRLS and a DOG GIRL sitting at a table, all NAKED other than their FUR.)

Kirk: ...but I get ALL the girls!

(Kirk winks into camera and walks over to them.)

THE END

(POST CREDITS SCENE shows Harrison's atoms FLOATING THROUGH SPACE...towards a ship with "BOTANY BAY" written on the side!?)

 

[CaptainWacky]

BUMP for anoyone who missed the shocking conclusion (and cares)!

 

[whisky]

[Luke]I care[/Luke]

 

[CaptainWacky]

THANKS (it's just slightly disheartening when only one person seems to be reading and I literally can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.)

 

[whisky]

For the past 14 years you have been consistently funny, across this and the other boards we frequented, and the only reason I don't karma every single post you make, is because I don't want it to be like Jimminy Jillikers, and lose all meaning.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I don't karma much anymore because I tend to read on my phone and the karma thing is really glitchy on here.

I'm the silent majority!

 

[CaptainWacky]

NOW I'M BLUSHING TOO MUCH TO EVER POST AGAIN.