STEVE JACKSON & IAN LIVINGSTONE PRESENT A NEW FIGHTING FANTASY NOVEL!

[Gagh]

MINE FIELD: THE ETERNAL BATTLE.


You are a typical adventurer. You have seen battles on the 6 great continents of Allansia and are considered a veteran warrior. Nothing you have seen however, prepares you for your first visit to the Port Town of Minefieldia.

Armed with nothing more than your trusty blade, 10 Gold Pieces, and provisions for 10 meals, you enter one of the many local taverns, Captain Emo's Penis searching for adventure.

There, you meet a man and have a short chat, largely because the author is already bored typing this bollocks.

TURN TO PARAGRAPH 1.

 

[Gagh]

1.

Blah blah, in an ancient land, JUST GO KILL SOMETHING WITH YOUR PENCIL, ERASER & DICE ALREADY.

Turn to Paragraph 14!

 

[Gagh]

14.

OMG!!! EMO GOBLINS ATTACK!!!

What will you do?

Attack them with your sword? (turn to 65)
Attack them with your penis? (turn to 89)
Attack them with the Spice Girls back catalogue? (turn to 134)
Wank on them? (turn to 157)
EAT PIE? (turn to 181)

 

[Gagh]

157.

You react quickly, and your veteran skills are no mach for even 3 heavily armed Emo Goblins. Waving your warrior's penis, you splurge on the leader's face. The rest are too demoralised to attack you! You have fought off the EMO GOBLINS! Locals will talk of your victory for many years!

What will you do now?

Go South? (turn to 76)
Go North? (turn to 93)
Go West, sun in wintertime, Go West, we will feel just fine, Go West, where the skies are blue, Go West, this is what we're gonna do LOL YOU FAG (turn to 125)

 

[CaptainWacky]

I knew everyone would pick "wank on them."

 

[Gagh]

125.

You have chosen to go west. The path evens out narrowly, and an eerie pink light begins to shine. You hear a sound close by - it is the sound of insidious 1980's electronic pop.

Will you,

Turn back? (turn to 157)
Attack the Pet Shop Boys with your sword? (turn to 226)
Smoke the Pipe of Peace? (turn to 256)
Masturbate furiously to the Scroll of Portman? (turn to 339)

 

[CaptainWacky]

339...hang on, this page is all sticky!

 

[Acrimonious]

Damnit, I wanted to attack them with my penis.

 

[Cassie]

Someone will have to let me borrow a penis, ok?

 

[Gagh]

Feel free to do some of your own.

 

[Cassie]

This reminds me of one of those really old computer games my dad used to have.

256

You have chosen to Smoke the Pipe of Peace. Colors swirl around your head in a psychedelic storm. A lone Emo Goblin touches your butt.

Will you

Have hot monkey sex? (turn to page 43}
Blow smoke in the Emo Goblin's eye? (turn to page 241)
Eat a bag of nacho cheese Doritos? (turn to page 152)

 

[Acrimonious]

It's all about the doritos.

 

[Ishcabittle]

241.

The Emo Goblin coughs and sputters, then his shoulders sag as the drug takes hold. The Emo Goblin's eyes glass over, and he starts to mumble something about ley lines and George Washington Carver. Eventually he passes out.

What do you do?

Wank over the goblin to, "wake him up?" (turn to 934)
Stomp the stoner goblin's face in? (turn to a bloody 259)
Jump up and down signing hosannas? (turn to 1,023)
Smoke another bowl from the Pipe of Peace? (turn to 529)

 

[Acrimonious]

What happens after I curb-stomp the hippie-goblin Ishcabittle?

 

[Ishcabittle]

YOU SIR, ARE OUT OF LINE. STEP BACK INTO THE QUEUE, WE ALL WANT MUFFINS. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY DUDE AT THE BAKERY, YOU KNOW.

 

[Acrimonious]

YOU SIR, ARE OUT OF LINE. STEP BACK INTO THE QUEUE, WE ALL WANT MUFFINS. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY DUDE AT THE BAKERY, YOU KNOW.

fux0rs! I hurt on the inside.

 

[Gagh]

69

SEX SEX SEX

 

[Cassie]

This was a great thread.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Really miss Acrimonious and his hate-spewing!

 

[Gagh]

I really miss negging him.