CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(77 year old retired dentist Desmond McFeet and his 73 year old wife Lucy McKitten are sitting in their sitting room. She is knitting tea cosies for orphans, he is smoking his toe-nail clippings in a pipe.)
Lucy: Another winter then.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye, it is a fine sideboard.
(He is looking at their OLD SIDEBOARD which is shaby and in a state of disrepair and is of course a METAPHOR for their marriage.)
Lucy: Aye. Wait. No.
Desmond: No?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: No.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: It is not a fine sideboard.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: It rots from the head.
Desmond: Do you speak of the sideboard, our marriage, or a fish?
Lucy: Aye.
(Desmond coughs.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: You shoud.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: I should what?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: You said I should do something.
Lucy: Oh.
Desmond: Well?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: What should I do, woman?
Lucy: I forgot.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Remember.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: Anythng?
Desmond: Only this.
Lucy: Me too.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(An URCHIN CHILD enters the room and starts juggling oranges for no apparent reason. They COMPLETELY IGNORE him.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Another winter then.
Lucy: I think I said that.
Desmond: When?
Lucy: 1958.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: The year we were wed.
Lucy: Was it?
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Remember?
Lucy: No.
Desmond: I think we kissed.
Lucy: Doesn't sound like something we'd do.
(The URCHIN CHILD shrugs and leaves.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(Desmond puts his pipe down on the sideboard and it CATCHES ON FIRE.)
Desmond: Another burnt sideboard.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: How many's that now?
Lucy: 49.
Desmond: Reallly?
Lucy: Yes that's how many years I've been married just a slip of a girl I was a slip and no I did not want to be married in my heart but my father who is not unlike you come to think of it oh the woe of daddy issues all these years he did come and did say unto me my daughter he said you should marry him because it's the best offer you'll ever get and I said fine in that case and I married you and I think we kissed.
Desmond: No, I meant how many sideboards?
Lucy: Oh.
Desmond: Well?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: How many, woman!
Lucy: 49.
Desmond: What a coincidence.
Lucy: Aye.
(The first spreads and their whole house burns down, with them just sitting in silence.
Desmond: Summer already?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Good.
Lucy: Maybe death soon?
Desmond: No.
Lucy: No?
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(Aliens arrive and saw Lucy's feet off. She doesn't notice.)
Desmond: Aye.
FIN
Lucy: Another winter then.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye, it is a fine sideboard.
(He is looking at their OLD SIDEBOARD which is shaby and in a state of disrepair and is of course a METAPHOR for their marriage.)
Lucy: Aye. Wait. No.
Desmond: No?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: No.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: It is not a fine sideboard.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: It rots from the head.
Desmond: Do you speak of the sideboard, our marriage, or a fish?
Lucy: Aye.
(Desmond coughs.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: You shoud.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: I should what?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: You said I should do something.
Lucy: Oh.
Desmond: Well?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: What should I do, woman?
Lucy: I forgot.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Remember.
Desmond: What?
Lucy: Anythng?
Desmond: Only this.
Lucy: Me too.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(An URCHIN CHILD enters the room and starts juggling oranges for no apparent reason. They COMPLETELY IGNORE him.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Another winter then.
Lucy: I think I said that.
Desmond: When?
Lucy: 1958.
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: The year we were wed.
Lucy: Was it?
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Remember?
Lucy: No.
Desmond: I think we kissed.
Lucy: Doesn't sound like something we'd do.
(The URCHIN CHILD shrugs and leaves.)
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(Desmond puts his pipe down on the sideboard and it CATCHES ON FIRE.)
Desmond: Another burnt sideboard.
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: How many's that now?
Lucy: 49.
Desmond: Reallly?
Lucy: Yes that's how many years I've been married just a slip of a girl I was a slip and no I did not want to be married in my heart but my father who is not unlike you come to think of it oh the woe of daddy issues all these years he did come and did say unto me my daughter he said you should marry him because it's the best offer you'll ever get and I said fine in that case and I married you and I think we kissed.
Desmond: No, I meant how many sideboards?
Lucy: Oh.
Desmond: Well?
Lucy: What?
Desmond: How many, woman!
Lucy: 49.
Desmond: What a coincidence.
Lucy: Aye.
(The first spreads and their whole house burns down, with them just sitting in silence.
Desmond: Summer already?
Lucy: Aye.
Desmond: Good.
Lucy: Maybe death soon?
Desmond: No.
Lucy: No?
Desmond: Aye.
Lucy: Aye.
(Aliens arrive and saw Lucy's feet off. She doesn't notice.)
Desmond: Aye.
FIN
That was scarily similar to a one-act I wrote in earnest about 15 years ago...