CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
PLAY
(There is a pile of CUSHIONS on the stage. A MAN steps onto the stage. He looks IMPOTENTLY FRUSTRATED. He starts tearing his own hair out.)
Man: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!
(A younger, but no more than eight years younger, girl bounds onto the stage. She is small, blond, bright, sarcastic and has messy hair. You either love her or you hate her.)
Girl: Wotcher!
Man: SHUT UP WITH YOUR STUPID WORDS, YOU FUCKING DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT THE WORDS...
Girl: I don't understand what you mean, mate.
Man: YOU CAN'T YOUR MIND ISN'T LIKE MINE...
Girl: Maybe if you explained it to me...
Man: NOOO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO! BITCH! AAARGH!
Girl: Ca-ringe! Chill out a bit!
Man: YOU COUDLN'T EVEN BEGING TO UNDERSTAND...
Girl: Start from the beginning and we'll see!
Man: YOU'RE A NORMAL, A FUCKING NORMAL. YOUR BEGINNING IS NORMAL, MINE IS NOT, IT WOULD BE FOLLY! YES I USE WORDS LIKE FOLLY, OKAY, DEAL WITH IT.
Girl: I don't think you're being very fair on me.
Man: LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN FAIR ON ME!
Girl: Give me an example!
Man: IT'S WRONG! IT'S WRONG! THIS IS WRONG, TALKING TO YOU...TALKING AT ALL...IT'S NOT FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!
Girl: I get tongue-tied sometimes...
Man: NOT THAT!!!! FUCK!! YOU DON'T FUCKING...ARGH! I WAKE UP! I FUCKING WAKE UP BUT THERE'S NO TIME TO THINK OR THERE'S NO THOUGHTS TO THINK...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH! BY THE TIME I'VE REMEMBERED TO THINK I'M DOWNSTAIRS! THEN I HAVE TO MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE AND IT CARRIES ME, YOU HEAR ME, LIFE CARRIES ME THROUGH THE DAY AND I'M BACK IN BED AGAIN LIKE THAT IN AN INSTANT AND I MAY AS WELL NOT HAVE GOTTEN UP AT ALL BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS BACK THERE AND I ALWAYS WILL BE FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST ONE BIG FUCKING LONG DAY!
Girl: Hmm, I think I get where you're coming from, that's interesting...
Man: DON'T FUCKING PATRONISE ME!
Girl: I'm not!
Man: YOU ARE, YOU ALL ARE! OR, AT LEAST, I THINK YOU ARE! I CAN'T TELL! EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT YOU WILL BE SOON!
Girl: I think you should give me a chance, dude!
Man: People give me a chance...A CHANCE TO BE LIKE THEM! THEY GIVE ME ABOUT A MONTH OR SO, BUT WHEN I'M NOT LIKE THEM, THEY LEAVE ME, THEY MOVE ON WITH THEIR FUCKING NORMAL LIVES AND LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALONE IN BED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A-FUCKING-GAIN!
Girl: Blimey!
Man: STOP MAKING FUN, RRRRRARGH, I'LL HIT YOUR EYES!
Girl: That would be pretty pathetic of you, you're a foot taller, you're stronger...
Man: HAHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T EVEN PUNCH MYSELF HARD ENOUGH TO BLEEEEEEEEEED!
(He punches himself in the face rapidly eighteen times.)
Girl: Cripes!
Man: NOW YOU'VE FUCKING DONE...AAARGH!
(He starts beating his fists against the pile of cushions and throwing them about.)
Girl: This is good, vent your frustations, get them out...
Man: MY FRUSTATIONS ARE FUCKING STUPID!
Girl: We can all be stupid sometimes!
(She does a charming little dance.)
Girl: See? Work your anger out!
Man: THEY ALWAYS COME BACK! DON'T YOU GET IT!!! MY FRUSTATIONS ARE ALL I AM, AAAAAAARGH! YOU DON'T GET IT!
Girl: I can't get it if you won't explain.
Man: Why explain when I'M JUST GOING TO DIE AND SO ARE YOU!
Girl: I'm not dead yet, dude!
Man: WHOOPY DO FOR YOU, GO AND GET DRUNK WITH YOUR MATES AND TEXT YOUR OTHER MATES TELLING THEM TO COME OVER BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I'M SOOOOOO SMASHED RIGHT NOW YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT THEN DANCE AROUND IN YOU STUPID FAIRY DRESS AND GIVE A HANDJOB TO THE TRENDY MUSICIAN IN YOUR FATHER'S POTTING SHED, DUDE!
Girl: You're being unfair. I don't see any point in further wasting me time on you...
Man: THAT'S RIGHT, LEAVE ME, LIKE ALL THE REST, LIKE THEY ALL DO, LEAVE, GO ON, HURRY UP YOU SLUT, SLOW-WALKING SLUT, I HOPE YOU WANK COCKS FASTER THAN YOU WALK...
(She leaves without looking back.)
Man: WAIT, WAIT, COME BACK...I THINK I LOVE YOU! I'LL TRY TO CHANGE I WILL, DON'T GO, NOOOOOOOO!
(He collpases into the cushions, crying. She steps back out.)
Girl: What did you say?
Man: I SAID I HATE YOU! DIE!
(She looks at him, obviously disappointed and full of pity, and leaves again.)
Man: I'M GAY ANYWAY!
(He humps the cushions for five minutes until he ejaculates and you can cleary see a stain on the crotch area of his trousers.)
Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M AN ANIMAL!
(He clutches his chest and dies of a heart attack. The girl comes back.)
Girl; Hey, sorry about before, if you want to speak sometime I can give you my number and...oh. Never mind then. Sorry, dude. Sorry you died.
(She leaves. After another minute, he gets up.)
Man: HAHAHAHA, SHE FELL FOR THE OLD FAKE HEART ATTACK! DON'T WORRY, I'M GOD'S CHOSEN ONE AND SOON HE WILL ALTER REALITY TO SUIT ME AND WHEN HE DOES SO I WILL BED HER AND BED HER HARD, HAHAHAAH, I'M NOT INSANE I'M JUST RIGHT!
(He performs crotch chops at every female in the audience until they leave, disgusted.)
FIN
__________________________
WASN'tT AHT A GGOEOOD PPLAY
sdgHDS
sdfh
h
dhs
dfh
h
sh
dfh
gLET'S ALL SING AND DANCs
f
sag
ELT'S ALL EAT ELK
gfsdJg
NO
g YES
NO
YEs
IT'S ALL THE SAMe
THERE IS NO GOOD OR EVIL, JUST GOATSE
(There is a pile of CUSHIONS on the stage. A MAN steps onto the stage. He looks IMPOTENTLY FRUSTRATED. He starts tearing his own hair out.)
Man: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!
(A younger, but no more than eight years younger, girl bounds onto the stage. She is small, blond, bright, sarcastic and has messy hair. You either love her or you hate her.)
Girl: Wotcher!
Man: SHUT UP WITH YOUR STUPID WORDS, YOU FUCKING DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT THE WORDS...
Girl: I don't understand what you mean, mate.
Man: YOU CAN'T YOUR MIND ISN'T LIKE MINE...
Girl: Maybe if you explained it to me...
Man: NOOO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO! BITCH! AAARGH!
Girl: Ca-ringe! Chill out a bit!
Man: YOU COUDLN'T EVEN BEGING TO UNDERSTAND...
Girl: Start from the beginning and we'll see!
Man: YOU'RE A NORMAL, A FUCKING NORMAL. YOUR BEGINNING IS NORMAL, MINE IS NOT, IT WOULD BE FOLLY! YES I USE WORDS LIKE FOLLY, OKAY, DEAL WITH IT.
Girl: I don't think you're being very fair on me.
Man: LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN FAIR ON ME!
Girl: Give me an example!
Man: IT'S WRONG! IT'S WRONG! THIS IS WRONG, TALKING TO YOU...TALKING AT ALL...IT'S NOT FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!
Girl: I get tongue-tied sometimes...
Man: NOT THAT!!!! FUCK!! YOU DON'T FUCKING...ARGH! I WAKE UP! I FUCKING WAKE UP BUT THERE'S NO TIME TO THINK OR THERE'S NO THOUGHTS TO THINK...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH! BY THE TIME I'VE REMEMBERED TO THINK I'M DOWNSTAIRS! THEN I HAVE TO MOVE ON TO SOMETHING ELSE AND IT CARRIES ME, YOU HEAR ME, LIFE CARRIES ME THROUGH THE DAY AND I'M BACK IN BED AGAIN LIKE THAT IN AN INSTANT AND I MAY AS WELL NOT HAVE GOTTEN UP AT ALL BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS BACK THERE AND I ALWAYS WILL BE FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST ONE BIG FUCKING LONG DAY!
Girl: Hmm, I think I get where you're coming from, that's interesting...
Man: DON'T FUCKING PATRONISE ME!
Girl: I'm not!
Man: YOU ARE, YOU ALL ARE! OR, AT LEAST, I THINK YOU ARE! I CAN'T TELL! EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT YOU WILL BE SOON!
Girl: I think you should give me a chance, dude!
Man: People give me a chance...A CHANCE TO BE LIKE THEM! THEY GIVE ME ABOUT A MONTH OR SO, BUT WHEN I'M NOT LIKE THEM, THEY LEAVE ME, THEY MOVE ON WITH THEIR FUCKING NORMAL LIVES AND LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ALONE IN BED AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A-FUCKING-GAIN!
Girl: Blimey!
Man: STOP MAKING FUN, RRRRRARGH, I'LL HIT YOUR EYES!
Girl: That would be pretty pathetic of you, you're a foot taller, you're stronger...
Man: HAHAHAHAHA! I CAN'T EVEN PUNCH MYSELF HARD ENOUGH TO BLEEEEEEEEEED!
(He punches himself in the face rapidly eighteen times.)
Girl: Cripes!
Man: NOW YOU'VE FUCKING DONE...AAARGH!
(He starts beating his fists against the pile of cushions and throwing them about.)
Girl: This is good, vent your frustations, get them out...
Man: MY FRUSTATIONS ARE FUCKING STUPID!
Girl: We can all be stupid sometimes!
(She does a charming little dance.)
Girl: See? Work your anger out!
Man: THEY ALWAYS COME BACK! DON'T YOU GET IT!!! MY FRUSTATIONS ARE ALL I AM, AAAAAAARGH! YOU DON'T GET IT!
Girl: I can't get it if you won't explain.
Man: Why explain when I'M JUST GOING TO DIE AND SO ARE YOU!
Girl: I'm not dead yet, dude!
Man: WHOOPY DO FOR YOU, GO AND GET DRUNK WITH YOUR MATES AND TEXT YOUR OTHER MATES TELLING THEM TO COME OVER BECAUSE OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I'M SOOOOOO SMASHED RIGHT NOW YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT THEN DANCE AROUND IN YOU STUPID FAIRY DRESS AND GIVE A HANDJOB TO THE TRENDY MUSICIAN IN YOUR FATHER'S POTTING SHED, DUDE!
Girl: You're being unfair. I don't see any point in further wasting me time on you...
Man: THAT'S RIGHT, LEAVE ME, LIKE ALL THE REST, LIKE THEY ALL DO, LEAVE, GO ON, HURRY UP YOU SLUT, SLOW-WALKING SLUT, I HOPE YOU WANK COCKS FASTER THAN YOU WALK...
(She leaves without looking back.)
Man: WAIT, WAIT, COME BACK...I THINK I LOVE YOU! I'LL TRY TO CHANGE I WILL, DON'T GO, NOOOOOOOO!
(He collpases into the cushions, crying. She steps back out.)
Girl: What did you say?
Man: I SAID I HATE YOU! DIE!
(She looks at him, obviously disappointed and full of pity, and leaves again.)
Man: I'M GAY ANYWAY!
(He humps the cushions for five minutes until he ejaculates and you can cleary see a stain on the crotch area of his trousers.)
Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M AN ANIMAL!
(He clutches his chest and dies of a heart attack. The girl comes back.)
Girl; Hey, sorry about before, if you want to speak sometime I can give you my number and...oh. Never mind then. Sorry, dude. Sorry you died.
(She leaves. After another minute, he gets up.)
Man: HAHAHAHA, SHE FELL FOR THE OLD FAKE HEART ATTACK! DON'T WORRY, I'M GOD'S CHOSEN ONE AND SOON HE WILL ALTER REALITY TO SUIT ME AND WHEN HE DOES SO I WILL BED HER AND BED HER HARD, HAHAHAAH, I'M NOT INSANE I'M JUST RIGHT!
(He performs crotch chops at every female in the audience until they leave, disgusted.)
FIN
__________________________
WASN'tT AHT A GGOEOOD PPLAY
sdgHDS
sdfh
h
dhs
dfh
h
sh
dfh
gLET'S ALL SING AND DANCs
f
sag
ELT'S ALL EAT ELK
gfsdJg
NO
g YES
NO
YEs
IT'S ALL THE SAMe
THERE IS NO GOOD OR EVIL, JUST GOATSE
