Working Header: INS Arrests Kris Kringle
Dateline: Fairbanks, Alaska
INS Arrests Kris Kringle
by Paul Archibald
In a surprise announcement this morning, officials from the Immigration and Naturalization Services office in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska, announce the arrest of Kris Kringle, 1702, originally of Myra, Lycia, Turkey. Mr. Kringle had been the subject of an extensive investigation by the INS of charges of smuggling illegal aliens into the country and forcing them to work under sweatshop conditions.
Mr. Kringle was arrested following a high speed chase along Hula Hula Avenue in the arctic village of Kaktovik. Local authorities stated that a sleigh loaded with illegal alien elves overturned at a curve at the edge of the village, killing 5 elves and slightly injuring Mr. Kringle. An unknown number of elves escaped capture and are now the subject of the most intensive search ever conducted on the North Slope. Charges against Kringle are expected in the deaths.
In a related report, Mr. Kringle has also been implicated in a political corruption case involving former Senator Ted Stevens and Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. The FBI and the Illinois Assistant Attorney General have reported that Stevens had offered to interceed with Blagojevich in Kringle’s favor, but that the governor refused to consider a partrige in a pear tree as compensation for being named to fill President-Elect Obama’s senate seat. That investigation remains ongoing.
Mr. Kringle’s attorney, who was noted to be wearing a suspiciously long cap over his ears, said in a prepared statement that “Mr. Kringle has a long and celebrated history of knowing who has been naughty and nice, and is quite willing to introduce those records into the court proceedings if the US Attorney General is not alarmed at the prospect.” Persons close to the case have stated that the INS and the assistant attorney general have petitioned the court to prevent any such release claiming it would interfere with their ability to function under the Patriot Act.
