The fourth Doctor Who special: FULL SCRIPT

[CaptainWacky]

(The TARDIS fades into existence in London. The Doctor steps out and smells the air.)

Doctor: Corr have a smell of that! That's umistakable, that is the smell of early 21st century London! Funny, I always seem to end up here! MMM, that lovely London smell...'ang on. What's that?

(The Doctor really GURNS UP his face as he sniffs the air.)

Doctor: Is that...is that pasties?

(He turns around and there's a huge PASTY STALL behind him.)

Doctor: 'ello!

Pasty Stall Guy: Step right up and get your pasties! Fresh and warm, just the way the Ruler likes them.

Doctor: The Ruler?

Stall Guy: Hello, sir! You look like you could use a pasty! Mmm, yummy!

Doctor: Yeah. No. Well, yeah. But no. No. Tell me about the Ruler.

Stall Guy: You've never heard of him? What are you, from another planet or something? Here, have a free pasty, it's brain food!

Doctor: Very generous of you. Very unlike a London pasty salesman.

Stall Guy: Hey, where have you been, outer space? Everyone's generous and happy since the Ruler took over!

Doctor: Riiiight.

Stall Guy: Look, he's on tv! It's that documentary about his life that's shown 24 hours a day!

(On a LARGE TV behind the pasty stall for some reason there is a MAN, sitting in shadows. Half his face is covered by a cheap looking METAL MASK. The other half is in shadows but is quite obvisouly JOHN SIMM. The Doctor looks closely, a puzzled look on his face.)

Doctor: Who could that be!

Stall Guy: Hehe, you're crazy...

(The Stall Guy presses a HIDDEN BUTTON under his pasty stall. On screen, a NEWS READER appears.)

News Reader: It has been six weeks since the RULER became our Ruler and ever since we have had nothing but joy! The exact moment he appeared was recorded on tv show!

(Two CHAVS are fighting on the Jeremy Kyle Show.)

Kyle: Yes, YES! KILL EACH OTHER, RIP YOUR CHAV EARS OFF.)

(SUDDENLY both chavs calm down and hug. Everyone in the audience looks happy.)

Kyle: Well that's me out of a job then!

(STEPHEN HAWKING is talking on another show.)

Hawking: I HAVE COME UP WITH A NEW THEORY TO EXPLAIN THE UNIVERSE AND TIME. IT GOES LIKE THIS...THE RULER DID IT ALL. YAY THE RULER.

(On EASTENDERS Peggy Mitchell is stabbing Phil in the face with a broken bottle)

Peggy: GET OWT OF MY PUB!

(The sudenly stops.)

Peggy: Unless you want to stay for another drink to celebrate the coming of the Ruler!

News Reader: Now to replay this story in full...

(SUDDENLY, two guys come running by, holding hands.)

Doctor: Oh, 'ello! What are you two running from, then?

Guy One: It's not right! We've all been so happy, so blissful, since the Ruler took over. No war, no hate, nothing! But now something bad has happened!

Guy Two: KILLER BINS!

Doctor: Listen to me, LISTEN TO ME, okay? I'm going to get you through this. What are your names?

Steve: Steve.

Adam: Adam.

Doctor: Okay, Adam and Steve, I'm going to get you through this. I'm going to get you home. That's a promise.

Steve: But we were going to the shops!

(The Doctor nods and runs down the street...then stops in horror.)

Doctor: Those aren't killer bins...

Dalek: EXTERMINATE THE DOCTOR!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor: No, no, you're all dead! I saw the command ship burn in the shadow of the Medusa Cascade! I saw Donna make you all spin round somehow by pulling a few levers!

Dalek: YET WE LIVE. BUT YOU WON'T FOR LONG. EXTERMINATE!

(The Dalek fires at the Doctor but misses and hits a business man. His briefcase catches fire.)

Businessman: Ah, my briefcase!

Doctor: Hang on, HANG ON, a Dalek death beam should have turned that briefcase to dust. There's something fishy going on here...

(A SECOND DALEK sneaks up behind the Doctor and puts its plunger to the back of the Doctor's neck.)

Dalek: YOU ARE NICKED, SON.

Doctor: Okay, it's a fair cop. Just don't hurt Adam and Steve. I promised I'd get them home.

(SUDDENLY Captain Jack comes swinging in on a rope and kicks the Dalek's head off.)

Jack: Mind if I "drop in"?

(Someone throws a BRICK at the other Dalek and it explodes. It's Ianto and Gwen.)

Gwen: And we are also here!

Ianto(sarcastic): Yay us.

Doctor: Well it's so good to see you again, Jack, and you too Gwen and other guy. What are you doing here?

Jack: We were shopping!

Doctor: Seems to be a lot of that about lately. But hang on, HANG ON, you don't have time to shop, you should be running Torchwood. It's the only thing keeping the human race safe!

Ianto: Well that's the human race fucked then!

Jack: Doctor, where have you been, the moon? The human race doeson't need Torchwood anymore, or you. Everything's been perfect since the Ruler came.

Gwen: More than perfect. Me and Rhys had a four day holiday in Swansea!

Jack: I love the Ruler.

Ianto: Me too. Have you seen the bum on him? Crackin'!

Doctor: Hmm, something still smells fishy...

Ianto: Probably Gwen.

Doctor: These Daleks seemed quit underpowered.

Jack: The Ruler's love probably weakened them!

(Adam and Steve come running over.)

Adam: Thank you, Doctor! Now we can go to the shops and buy scented candles!

Steve: I can't wait to twitter about this later. Will make a change from all my twitters about how much I love the ruler. And his bum!

Ianto: You too!

Doctor: Something still smells off...in the air...

Jack: Probably just the Daleks. You should leave now, Doctor. WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE, MEDDLING.

Doctor: Okay then! Seeya!

(The Doctor skips away...but then stops to check his phone. It rings as he does.)

Doctor: 'ello?

Sarah-Jane: Doctor, it's me!

Doctor: Sarah-Jane!

Sarah-Jane: Yes! And my SON luke is with me!

Luke: Hi Doctor. I'm here with my MUM.

Sarah-Jane: He called me mum!

(She cries for about 30 seconds. The Doctor taps his foot FOUR TIMES.)

Sarah-Jane: Oh, right, anyway...something is wrong.

Doctor: Well I just beat some Daleks with the help of Torchwood.

Sarah-Jane: No, not that, Doctor...it's the Ruler...I don't think he's as great as he's cracked up to be. And Mister Smith...

(The Mister Smith fanfare plays and he comes out of the wall.)

Sarah-Jane: I don't want you now, go away!

(A sad version of the fanfare plays an dhe closes up.)

Sarah-Jane: Mister Smith detected some strange readings in a church under London...the church where the Ruler lives!

Doctor: Well, I know what I'm doing then.

Sarah-Jane: What do you mean, Doctor?

Doctor: It's a Sunday. And it's time to go to church.

Luke: Actually it's Thursday.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The Doctor walks up to the church where the Ruler live. There are ARMED GUARDS standing outside.)

Doctor: 'ello! Can I go in to see the Ruler?

Guard: NO ONE SEES THE RULER.

Doctor: Why not, is he invisible? I knew an invisible man once, used to tickle me behind the knees, oh how I laughed...okay, I'll just be going on then.

Guard: I WILL SHOOT YOU.

Doctor: But everyone loves the Ruler! Why would you need to shoot anyone in a world where everyone loves the Ruler?

Guard: YOU MIGHT HURT HIM.

Doctor: Hurt him? No, I love him! I want to give him a big girly kiss!

Guard: KILLER BINS. THERE HAVE BEEN SIGHTINGS OF KILLER BINS.

Doctor: Ianto and I killed them. Look just let me in, I want to tell the Ruler how much I love him.

Guard: NO ONE LOVES THE RULER MORE THAN ME.

Second Guard: Hey, I do!

Guard: NO YOU DON'T.

Second Guard: I love the Ruler the most! He's perfect and I love those pasties named in his honour.

Guard: I LOVE HIM MORE AND INTRODUCED YOU TO THOSE PASTIES!

Second: Guard: Liar! And stop shouting!

(The Doctor SNEAKS INSIDE while the fight is going on. The Ruler is sitting at the back of the church with his back to the Doctor. The Doctor slowly walks up to them. He notices the stained glass windows of the church. They have been changed to images of THE RULER. One of the iwindows also contains an image of a FAMILIAR PLANET.)

Doctor: No, nooo! It can't be! That's Gallifrey! But no one knows about that! I'm the last, the absolute last! There can't be another, I would sense it, I would feel it!

(A PRIEST jumps out.)

Priest: The Ruler is resting, get out of here!

Ruler(obviously John Simm's voice): That's quite alright, padre. I have much to say...to my BROTHER.

Priest: Yes, Ruler Yana, I apologise.

Doctor: No...no! It can't be! IT CAN'T BE!

(The Ruler turns around. It's...CAPTAIN JACK!?)

Jack: It can be, Doc!

(Jack kicks the Doctor in the face, knocking him down.)

Jack: You can come out now, Ruler, the coast is clear.

(The RULER comes out with Ianto and Gwen on each arm and the PASTY SALESMAN behind. The Ruler steps into the light. It's the MASTER!)

Master: Well done, Jack, my most faithful and loyal creature.

Jack: No problem, Master.

(But Jack kneels down to the Doctor and WINKS at him.)

Doctor: No, NO! I can't believe it's you! You'll kill them all!

Master: Kill them? Oh no, Doctor. I'm not like you, Doctor Stormcloud. Where you go there is ever chaos and strife. I wish only to bring peace. Peace, and pasties!

(The pasty salesman hands the Master a pasty and he takes a bite then LAUGHS RIDICULOUSLY EVILY.)

Master: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor: But you died. YOU DIED. Your wife shot you and you died. YOU DIED. I was alone! How is this possible! HOW CAN YOU BE ALIVE.

(The Master flashes his hand. He is wearing HIS RING which was seen being lifted by a mysterious female at th end of series three.)

Master: One ring to rule them all, Doctor.

Doctor: NOOO!

Ianto: Umm, how does that explain anything?

Master: Silence, minion, we don't have time. It is time for the Doctor to face his doom.

Doctor: Wait, WAIT! Before you do, before you make me face my doom and whatever else you have planned just tell me, Master, tell me HONESTLY what you're trying to achieve here. Tell me if you REALLY want to bring joy to these humans, these wonderful unique humans, tell me if you're being HONEST. You owe me that much, after everything we've been through.

Master: Ha! I owe you nothing but a spanking!

Ianto: This is getting interesting now!

Master: But the evidence is all around you, Doctor. Doctor? HA! You call yourself a Doctor but it is I who healed the world's ills! BEHOLD!

(Another TV pops up from behind a Jesus statue or something and on screen we see Paul O'Grady.)

Paul O'Grady: You know what, you know what, no, seriously, SERIOUSLY, you know what, you know me, I'm from Birkenhead me so you know I'm telling the truth, no, come on, SERIOUSLY, you know, I love the Ruler. Seriously! I love him more than I love whichever product my current guest is plugging. Seriously! He's phenomenononoonemol, I can't even say it! I can't even say it, but seriously! Seriously! My dog agrees too, don't you, Bustah? Seriously!

(O'Grady forces Buster to nod. The channel changes to Richard and Judy.)

Judy: Well I just want to say...

Richard: SSSH, Judy, you'll ruin it! She just wants to say, and I do too, that we love the Ruler! Don't we, Judy?

Judy: Yes we...

Richard: SSSH! Oh Judy, you get everything wrong. But the Ruler still loves you!

(The channel changes to a repeat of an episode of the A-Team. All the lines have been redubbed by someone.)

Murdoch: Man that Ruler is TIGHT!

B.A.: Shut up, fool! He's rad!

(The tv goes off.)

Master: YOU SEE?

Doctor: All I see is ZOMBIES, brainwashed by whatever mind control you're using!

Master: LOVE isn't a drug, Doctor!

Doctor: You sent those Daleks after me.

Master: Those were just chibi-Daleks! I sent them to scare you away because I knew you'd end my utopia. But first I will end YOU.

Doctor: Do your worst.

(SUDDENLY Captain Jack KICKS the Master over!)

Jack: More like do NOTHING, Master!

Ianto: What the heck/

(Jack PUNCHES out Ianto and Gwen!)

Jack: Sorry, kids, but you're been brainwashed.

Doctor: How come you were immune? Because you don't have a brain?

Jack: Hahaha, I missed that wit, Doc! The Master is manipulating the LOVE WAVES in the atmosphere.

Doctor: Of course, of course! Love is just like radiation, it creates its own signature on its own frequency!

Jack: Right! The Doctor is using these waves to create...something. I don't know what. I was immune because I can never have a moment of perfect happiness after what happened to my brother Grey in the season two finale.

Doctor: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Hmm, the love waves must be the strange readings Mister Smith picked up...

Jack: Come on, we...AAAAAH!

(Someone SHOOTS Jack with a big gun!)

Doctor: No! WHO!

(LUCY SAXON steps out of the shadows.)

Lucy: The things I do for love.

Doctor: No! What has he done to you!

Master: I impoved her!

(The turns round and HALF HER BODY IS A ROBOT BODY!)

Master: And now, my dear, fetch the Blorn crown for the Doctor.

Doctor: No, not a Blorn crown, that technology was banned by the Shadow Proclmation, even you must respect that!

Master: I RESPECT NOTHING! And now, king of the humans, WEAR YOUR CROWN OF BLORNS!

(Lucy shoves the crown of Blorns on the Doctor's head and he SCREAMS. Ianto walks over to Jack's unconscious body.)

Ianto: Well, may as well have some fun while we're waiting...

(He reaches for Jack's flies.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ianto: Don't worry Jack, I'm on your side.

Jack: I knew the Master wouldn't be able to brainwash you. Not after what happened to that cyber girlfriend of yours.

Ianto: I'll never feel true happiness, being responsible for that pizza girl and the japanese guy dying! Anyway, I'll try to help the Doctor.

Jack: Get close to him.

Ianto: Don't mind if I do...

Jack: Hey, I didn't mean it like that!

(Ianto grins. The Doctor is in AGONISING PAIN due to the crown of blorns on his head.)

Master: Hahaha! Now you feel it, don't you, Doctor? You feel what I feel! The sound of drums!

Doctor: I had no idea!

Master: Then you will join me!

Doctor: Never! I mean, umm...yes. What is it you plan on doing, exactly?

Master: Well, since the crown of blorns is absolutely going to turn you to my side anyway, I'll tell you. I really do want to bring peace, Doctor. But war, violence and EVIL is programmed into every ATOM of the universe. It has been from the very beginning. Don't deny it. You've seen so much death, Doctor. Don't you want it to end/

Doctor: Yes.

Master: Hahaha, you understand at last! After I was shot and killed by my very own wife I no longer wanted to live in this universe. I locked myself up in a flat here in London, did nothing but watch daytime tv for months. But then I heard something banging on the my door. It KNOCKED FOUR TIMES...

(FLASHBACK scene of the old black woman with the convenient psychic powers saying "he will knock four times" to the Doctor.)

Master: ...it was a Blinkbog, Doctor!

Doctor: But the Blinkbog all died out, I saw them sucked into the whirling wormhole of death!

Master: They came out the other end, Doctor! Older and wiser! Due to the time dialation they spent TEN BILLION YEARS in agony going through that wormhole. That is why the last of the Blinkbog came to me and gave me certain technology...

Doctor: The technology to make yourself loved!

Master: And make all these stupid apes happy, yes. But those love waves have another purpose...I'm converting them under this very church. Converting them to DEATH WAVES. And soon, Doctor, oh so soon I will end the pain of the universe...by destroying it. Atom by atom. The universe will be consumed by my DEVICE!

Doctor: What, WHAT?

Master: I know, I know, destroying the entire universe seems a bit much...oh, by the way, this DEATH WAVE will be total, it will also go back in time and destroy the universe in the PAST and at all times...and all parralel universes too! But Doctor, think about it. It's the only way the pain can end!

Doctor: I will stop you. That's a promise.

Master: ADAM, STEVE, turn up the PAIN!

(Adam and Steve turn a big wheel and SPARKS fly out of the crown and the Doctor screams.)

Ianto: Here, let me beat him up a bit.

(Ianto punches the Doctor a few times.)

Ianto(whispering): How can I help?

Doctor: Your phone...you need to send a text message...

(The Doctor whispers something. Ianto steps away.)

Master: Now you will die, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh yeah?

Master: Yeah! How come you aren't dead?

Doctor: Blorn crowns can only kill those who want to die.

Master: But you should want to die, the pain is so strong...

Doctor: But I have something to hold on to, Master. Love. REAL LOVE, not your phoney love! The love I have for...a certain someone. That keeps me hanging on.

Master: But it's futile! There is no escape, nothing you can do to stop me...

Doctor: Isn't there?

Master: What do you have planned? I can't tell!

(The Master looks closely at the Doctor's DETERMINED face.)

Doctor: You can't do it, can you?

Master: Can't do what?

Doctor: You can't read my POKER FACE!

('POKER FACE' by Lady Gaga suddenly plays really loudly.)

Ianto: Shit, sorry, that's my ringtone!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Master: Turn it off!

Ianto: Okay, it'll just date this episode anyway...hang on, it says I've sent a message to Twitter.

(The Doctor smiles.)

Master: What? WHAT?

Doctor: Time to check the internet, Master. Time to check the ONE PLACE your reach did not extend to!

Master: I don't have time for this! Adam, Steve, FRY HIS BRAIN.

Jack: You said the crown of Blorns can only kill those who want to be killed!

Master: Not if you turn it up to MAXIMUM SETTING.

(Adam and Steve turned up the Blorn crown or whatever but the Doctor just smiles.)

Master: Impossible! Once the crown is put on your head it cannot be removed!

Doctor: Yes, but it can be unplugged!

(Ianto is holding the plug, smiling.)

Master: You betrayed me!

Doctor: And he's just the first. I sent a message off to Sarah Jane Smith. She has started a chain reaction. Have a look at Twitter, mister so called Master!

(The priest shows the Master a laptop.)

Master(reading): You know, I'm just going to say this: I don't think the Ruler is as great as he's cracked up to be!

I know what you mean, man, I think he might be GAY too lol.

LOL glad someone said it he's total gay up the ass and everything.

Fuck me why did I ever love him lol.

He's not as good as Picard lol.

Kirk is better than OLD BALDY PROFESSOR X PICARD you prick!

Doctor: That's right!

Ianto: Aww, I prefer Picard myself.

Master: I just don't understand! How is this going to defeat me, this inanity?

(Some REALLY FUCKING LOUD Murray Gold music plays as the Doctor strides forward dramatically into the light to begin his big speech.)

Doctor: No, you don't understand, do you? You could never understand. You wanted to rule these people but in reality you didn't know the first thing about them. Inanity? That's one way to look at it. Another way to look it it is that Twitter is the most AMAZING invention in all the galaxy. There's nothing else like it, you know. No other planet his twitter. Earth is unique in that regard. The human race alone have social networking. And you call them stupid apes! Their stupidity is their greatest strength. That's what makes humans so special. Twitter. Facebook. Myspace. Friends Reunity. Real EFCL. All those great sites. It's talking, talking about things which might seem inane and stupid to anyone with a brain but which give the humans their strength! If humans didn't have their twitter, their pasties, their Jade Goody, their Hello magazine, their Katie and Peter, their Sir Alan Sugar, their Matrix sequels, their Duffy, their Buffy, their Ring-bing-a-ding-thing-sing-ming-ming, their Davina McCall, their tv dinners, their Ainsley Harriot...if the humans didn't have these things, you could rule them. BUT THEY DO, Master! They do, and you can't! You know, I actually do believe that you want to bring peace to the universe by destroying it. But as long as the human race can still tweet then you will never be able to! Imagine it, a Time Lord, the Master himself, with a giant device hidden under a church converting love rays to death rays...defeated by six billion humans on Twitter. FANTASTIC!

(We see a montage of people AROUND THE WORLD waking up from the Master's rule including CHINESE PEOPLE. We also see MARTHA JONES and her HOT SISTER checking Twitter.)

Sister: What's the point, the Ruler is so perfect I don't want to read about anything else.

Martha: Me neither but...hey, hang on? A new series of Katie and Peter starting tonight? Gosh! I...hey...the Ruler...he's that man! Harold Saxon!

Sister: Oh yeah, the guy who tortured us for a year! It's funny that we didn't remember that before!

Martha: Come on, I have to go down to the church to help the Doctor!

(Next we see DONNA NOBLE and WILF NOBLE reading twitter.)

Wilf: I never got the hang of this new fangled internet!

Donna: Haha, me neither, but at least we hae the Ruler now...hang on...check out twitter. There's people who don't think the Ruler's all that great!

Wilf: They're right! I never trusted him! Let's go kick his arse!

Donna: Oh grampa, you'll be the DEATH OF ME, you or the Doctor...hang on, the Doctor. I remember! I REMEMBER! Somehow being under the Ruler's sway then being freed has brought back my memories of my time with the Doctor! Come on, Gramps, we have to hurry. I have to help THE MAN I LOVE.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Master: You've ruined everything, you jerk!

Doctor: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Master: Stop saying that! AAAH!

(The Master shoots at the Doctor. The Doctor puts his right palm up the bullet goes through. The Master shoots again and this time it goes through the Doctor's left palm. BOTH HIS PLAMS have holes in them now.)

Doctor: Oww.

Master: Haha!

Doctor: But I still forgive you, Master.

Master: You...forgive me?

Jack: He's a wild animal, Doc, PUT HIM DOWN.

Doctor: No! No one's putting him down! He's my brother. Our parents never told us...but we always knew.

Master: I knew, in my heart.

Doctor: I hear them too. The sound of drums.

(He looks around as if that HERE COME THE DRUMS song is about to play but Ianto shakes his head.)

Ianto: I'm not playing that shit!

Gwen: Blimey.

Master: We're not so different, perhaps. Your speech...what you said...some of it...it...it moved me, Doctor. I really do like these human pasties.

Pasty Salesman: Aye, he sure does! Eats ten a day, he does!

Master: Perhaps...perhaps I could give being good a try, Doctor. Perhaps I could shut down my death ray machine. Adam, Steve, could you do it for me?

(Adam and Steve look up. They have been reading from a computer monitor. Both look ANGRY.)

Doctor: Oh no...

Steve: Today was supposed to be our wedding day.

Adam: BUT YOU. You enslaved us! We thought we were happy! We weren't! It was fake!

Steve: Fake and bake!

Adam: RRR-AAAAAAAA!

(Adam and Steve RUN at the Master intending to KILL HIM.)

Doctor: No, NO!

(The Doctor looks concerned but doesn't actually do anything to stop them. The Master SHOOTS both Adam and Steve DEAD in their NECKS.)

Doctor: NOOO!

Master: HAHAHAHAHA! GOOD. THEY REMINDED ME, DOCTOR. THEY REMINDED ME OF THE HATE THAT DWELLS IN ALL HUMAN HEARTS!

Doctor: You killed human beings, TWO HUMAN BEINGS IN LOVE. There's no coming back from that.

Master: I don't want to come back! Lucy, ACTIVATE THE INFERNAL MACHINE!

Doctor: NOOOOOOOO!

(Jack knocks the Master down with a FLYING KICK but Lucy easily chokeslams Gwen with her robot arm and pulls a BIG LEVER. The whole of the floor of the church starts to open up.)

Priest: It's armageddon, the time of death is here!

Master: Do you see what it is, DOCTOR?

Doctor: No, NO! It's an ENLARGING MACHINE. Your hate rays weren't enough yet, but this machine will make them bigger than the universe!

Master: The big fish eats the little one! And you CAN'T SHUT DOWN the machine! It requires the DNA OF A TIMELORD to shut down...to THROW HIMSELF into the machinery! HAHAHA, I won't do it, Doctor and I know you won't throw me in! The question is, will you sacrifice yourself? While ROSE TYLER is still out there, yearning for you? I don't think so!

(SUDDENLY the roof of the church is BLOWN OFF and a FLYING NUMBER TWO HUNDRED BUS appears above.)

Doctor: You!

Michelle Ryan: Mind if I "drop in"?

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor: Good to see you again!

Michelle Ryan: Thanks, chap!

Jack: AHEM. The universe is about to be destroyed, this is no time for...oh, hello!

Michelle Ryan: Hello!

Jack: You're...not really that hot up close.

Michelle Ryan: Hey!

Master: Ha! You think a flying bus can stop me? I have daleks, fake daleks made from the technology of Professor Zinphor, but DALEKS nonetheless!

(Loads of Daleks fly in and start shooting at the bus. But then MARTHA, DONNA and SOME OTHER PEOPLE come running in with big guns and start shooting daleks.)

Master: No!

Doctor: That one thing you didnn't count on, Master. The braveness of the human spirit!

Master: It doesn't matter, the universe will burn, and only my DNA can...

(SUDDENLY a beam comes flying from the window of the flying bus and the Master is BURNED ALIVE. Only his BONES remain.)

Doctor: No, NO! That was murder! Is cold blood! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING?

(ROSE TYLER appears at the door of the bus. She is wearing a LEATHER CATSUIT with the zipper down at the front to show her cleavage.)

Doctor: Rose, no, what have you become!

Rose: I had a good teacher, Doctor.

(The DOCTOR CLONE who has been shagging Rose in an other reality or something appears in the doorway of the bus.)

Doctor-A: 'ello!

Doctor: No! You were supposed to turn good! Not turn into a COLD BLOODED KILLER.

Doctor-A: I was born in the fire of war, Doctor.

Rose: Mmmm, and I wouldn't have you any other way.

(Rose and Doctor-A MAKE OUT for a really long time.)

Ianto: Get a room! And Let me watch!

Michelle Ryan: How about we get a room?

Ianto: Eww, no.

(The Doctor GRABS Michelle Ryan around the THROAT.)

Doctor: WHY did you do this, AND HOW?

Michelle Ryan: The anti-gravity clamps you gave me for my bus, they're also INTER-DIMENSIONAL.

Doctor: Of course!

Michelle Ryan: I was in another reality when the Ruler took over and I returned to find everything TOPSY-TURVY. I knew I'd need help to defeat him...so I brought Rose Tyler, Earth Protecter from another reality and this weird crazy clone of you here. And these two for some reason!

(MICKEY SMITH and JACKIE TYLER jump out.)

Mickey: It's always about you, Doctor.

Jackie: 'ere, what trouble have you got my daughter into this time.

Doctor: Yeah, gerat, THINGS ARE PRETTY BAD, YOU KNOW.

Rose: Why? I just slaughtered the Master like a pig, everything's fine.

Doctor: You silly little girl! The universe is about to be eaten by his HATRED. The only way to stop it was with his DNA, but you just burned his body!

Doctor-A: Use his bones.

Doctor: Bones don't have DNA! You'd know that if you were a doctor!

Michelle Ryan: Can't you move the HATRED RAYS?

Doctor: No, they're too big...wait a minute. Of course! This is an ENLARGING machine! All I have to do is use it to make the inter-dimensional anti-gravity clamps larger and then I can use them to move the hate ways!

Jack: Great Doc, you better hurry!

Michelle Ryan: Wait a minute...then my bus won't be able to fly anymore.

Doctor: Well, yeah.

Michelle Ryan: Sod that!

(The pushes Rose, Doctor-A, Mickey and Jackie out of the bus and FLIES AWAY to another dimension.)

Doctor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Martha: What can stop the end of the universe now?

Doctor: Only timelord DNA. I'll do it. I'll sacrifice myself.

Rose: No.

Doctor: WHAT!?

Rose: I...seeing you...it's reminded me of what being a true hero is all about. I'll do it, Doctor. I'll sacrifice myself.

Doctor: But you have no timelord inside you!

Doctor-A: Heh heh, actually she's had A LOT of timelord inside her, if you know what I mean.

Rose: It's true. We're at it like rabbits. And...I'm pregnant.

Doctor: !

TO BE CONCLUDED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Doctor-A: Then I know what has to be done. I will be the one to dive into that swirling energy pool and stop the universe being destroyed.

Rose: No!

Ianto: Would one of you just hurry up and do it? Look what's happened to the world!

(Random BALLS OF HATE ENERGY are bursting into existence and making airbags go off in cars and stuff.)

Doctor-A: Oh Rose, my Rose, my sweet sweet love Rose who made me human. You made me human. But I was born in the hot fires for war. Now I must die in the cold waters of peace.

Rose: I...I understand.

Doctor: You, I need to have a word with you.

Ianto: Oh for fuck's sake!

(LOADS OF DALEKS come flying in.)

Gwen: Shit!

Mickey: Don't worry, we brought some friends from the alternate universe.

(Mickey whistles and A WHOLE BUNCH OF CYBERMEN jump out of a wormhole or soemthing.)

Mickey: We reprogrammed them to kick some Dalke ass!

(The CYBERMEN and the DALEKS have a massive flasy battles in the background as the Doctor talks to Doctor-A.)

Doctor: So you got her pregnant. You're going to be a father.

Doctor-A: No Doctor, I must die.

Doctor: You have too many responsibilities now to die.

(The Doctor PUNCHES OUT Doctor-A and steals his COAT as a disguise.)

Doctor: Look after her, okay?

(He goes to the end of the long metal walkway which leads to the SWIRLING ENERGY POOL which will shut off the hate ray machine.)

Doctor: Right, well, bye...

Jack: Where's the Doctor?

Doctor: Oh, he's beating Lucy Saxon to death or something, I don't know.

Jack: Oh.

Rose: Wait! I must kiss you, one last time!

Doctor: We don't really have time.

Ianto: FINALLY!

Rose: Please! Kiss me like you did by the lake on Gallifrey.

Doctor: What, WHAT?

Rose: Remember? When we found Gallfrey? You must!

Doctor: Oh, right...umm...yeah. Anyway...

(He KISSES ROSE with FULL ON TONGUE for like a minute.)

Martha: Why did he never kiss me like that.

Sarah Jane: Or me!

Jack: Or me!

Ianto: Err, that's the alternate Doctor, remember?

Martha: No it's not, it's obviously the Doctor Docter, he's still got that stupid crown of blorns on.

(But Rose CAN'T HEAR THIS as she's so into THE KISS. The Doctor whispers something to Rose. He then starts to run. We see scenes from AROUND THE WORLD of balls of HATE ENERGY killing people and DRAGONS coming through holes in the fabric of EXISTENCE somehow.)

Doctor(voiceover): I never loved anyone the way I loved you, Russell...Rose Tyler. You are not just special, you're the MOST special, the purest heart, the biggest lips the hottest tits. And I know you'll be fine without me. You just have to believe in a bright new tomorrow, that the sun will come out again and shine all the brighter. The hardest thing in this world is living in it. Be brave. Live. For me.

(SUDDENLY Lucy Saxon stabs the Doctor in the side with a spear.)

Lucy: RRRRRR, IT'S ALL YOURRRRRR FAULT, RRRR, DIEEEE!

(Jack shots Lucy in the human side of her head and she DIES. The Doctor stands still, struggling to stand. He holds his arms out at each side. His plams are bleeding again. His head is bleeding from the crow of blorns. And the spear is still sticking out his side. REALLY LOUD BIBLICAL TYPE MUSIC plays.)

Ianto: Christ!

Rose: Wait...that's the Doctor! Oh Jesus! No! Don't you do it! I love you more than him!

(Doctor-A wakes up.)

Doctor-A: Thanks!

(The Doctor WINKS then turns and runs the few final steps and JUMPS into the swirling energy pool. He is held there in MID AIR for a few seconds as the HATE ENERGY is all pulled inside him and it DIES in the shining LIGHT of his GREATNESS. All the Daleks suddenly BLOW UP.)

Jack: Of course, their systems were tied into this device!

Martha: That makes perfect sense!

(DONNA and WILF finally arrive.)

Donna: DAWCTORRRRRRRRR!

(SUDDENLY the pool of SWIRLING ENERGY disappears and the Doctor hits the ground, DEAD. BUT THEN the REGENERATION effect starts.)

Jack: That's right, of course! If he dies he regenerates!

Martha: Corr, maybe he'll be even fitter now!

Rose: Mmm, I bet he will be!

(The NEW DOCTOR stands up. The crown of blorns has slipped down and is covering his face.)

Ianto: And on the third day, he lived again.

Doctor: Hmm, new nose. Never get used to that. Now, where was I? Oh yes...

(He throws the crown back revealing MATT SMITH.)

Doctor: ...leave him and be with me, Rose Tyler!

Rose: AAAAH!

Jack: EWW!

Ianto: Fuck me for a living!

Gwen: Not even I would hit that!

Martha: It's just the regeneration effect, right, Doctor? You won't always look like that?

Doctor: No, this is my new face.

Martha: Oh. Shit.

Donna: Gramps, who is that man? What are we doing here?

Wilf: Oh no! Your memories coming back must have been only when the old Doctor was still around! With this new Doctor you can't remember a thing! Come on, we'll be home in time for Countdown.

(SAD MUSIC plays as Wilf and Donna leave.)

Doctor-A: So I must be looking pretty hot right now!

Rose: Let's get the hell out of here.

(Rose COLDLY turns away from the Doctor, takes Doctor-A's hand and DISAPPEARS through a dimensional gate or something.)

Doctor: Huh. What about you, Martha? Old second best smaller chest Martha?

Martha: No way, I'm going back to Torchwood now!

Jack: Great, I'll give you a lift!

(Martha, Jack, Inato and Gwen leave. The Doctor is standing alone with Mickey and Jackie.)

Mickey: Err, I can't remember which dimension I'm supposed to live in.

(Mickey and Jackie just kind of wander off.)

Doctor: Right then.

(The Doctor sadly just walks away to the TARDIS. ZOOM IN on the DEAD BODY of Lucy Saoxn..but then the ROBOT EYE turns on, glowing red. She reaches down and picks up THE MASTER'S RING which is lying beside her for some reason.)

Lucy: One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them!

(The MASTER'S LAUGH plays over this. CUT TO the inside of the TARDIS. The Doctor looks sad as he walks in, his eyes down. But then he notices a WOMAN.)

Doctor: What, WHAT?

SALLY SPARROW: It's me, Doctor. And I need your help!

THE END!?!?!

 

[CaptainWacky]

BUMP. SOMEONE WRITE A REVIEW.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Typical overblown RTD Jesus shit. I reckon he just made it up as he went along!

 

[CaptainWacky]

MOFFAT WROTE THE LAST SCENE, THAT'S WHY IT'S SO GOOd

 

[The Tomtrek]

I wish this is what we actually got.

 

[Fuddlemiff]

One of these days I'm going to turn one of these into a radio play.

 

[jack]

What an excellent idea!

 

[CaptainWacky]

I'll write a controversial Moffat parody some day.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(LUCY SAXON steps out of the shadows.)

Lucy: The things I do for love.

Doctor: No! What has he done to you!

Master: I impoved her!

(The turns round and HALF HER BODY IS A ROBOT BODY!)

I put a GOT reference in two years before the tv show so none of you would have got it BUT NOW YOU DO.