CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The Mine Field spaceship lands on planet GRANGLY 8. Captain Wacky, SallySexpot, TIMMYNOSE, Admiral Sin and Badger step off the ship.)
Wacky: Well here we are on planet Grangly 8, home of the Grangly people.
TIMMYNOSE: WOOF WOOF, I'M A PIRATE.
SallySexpot: Where's the welcoming committee?
Admiral Sin: Maybe they're behind this rock!
(Badger, the strongest of the Mine Fielders as we all know, lifts up the rock. And green-skinned Grangly people jump out!)
Grangly People(singing): TRA LA LA LA LA, WE ARE THE GRANGLY PEOPLE, WE'RE HERE TO GREAT, WE'RE HERE TO SING, TRA LA LA LA LA, YAY!
Wacky: Hi.
Badger: You're so small I could just stomp y'all to death!
(Everyone laughs at Badger's patented catchphrase.)
TIMMYNOSE: PURPLE SHEEP FOR THE WIN.
SallySexpot: So we're here to open up negotiations regarding the possibility of a Mine Field franchise on your homeworld...
Grangly Person: OH REALLY! I believe that is a favourite quote of you Earthlingoids!
Badger: Hahaha, I like these guys!
Admiral Sin: I also.
TIMMYNOSE: FRANK BRUNO DETECTORS ON SALES FOR TWENTY NINE PEE.
Wacky: Hey, what's wrong with her?
(There is a cute, small, blond Grangly girl sitting far away from the others, sobbing and sucking her little thumb.)
Grangly Person: Oh, her? She is an IRREDEEMABLE BITCH who we have exiled! I'd ignore her, if I were you!
Wacky: But she could use some help!
Grangly Person: Not after what she's done!
Wacky: Everyone deserves a second chance except paedophiles. It's the law.
Grangly Person: YER WASTING YER TIME, HETEROFUCK!
Wacky: Well I want to try!
Admiral Sin: Oh boy, here we go again, Wacky tries to save the cute blond because he believes there's some "good" in her, because there MUST be something about her if he was drawn to her for only a moment, of course there must be, he can't possibly have been mistaken, oh no, not CaptainWacky, he'll find the good in her and be vindicated, or spend days trying to while the negotiations fall apart, that's our fearless leader!
(Wacky is sitting down with the Grangly Girl, stroking her hair, ignoring Admiral Sin.)
StaceySexpot: We can't negotiate without the Wackster!
Badger: What a waste of time it was coming here.
TIMMYNOSE: GRRR ROGER MOORE NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM.
Grangly Person: Well, we do have mind-altering drugs if you want them. They'll make you immortal and cause you to experience unparralled feelings of bliss for all of time. Just, you know, if you're interested!
StaceySexpot: SIGN ME UP!
Badger: Come on Wacky, they've got drugs!
Wacky: No I'm trying to help this hopelsss case. Besides, we're not here for drugs, we're here to...do something else. I forget. I forget all. All is faded. All is dark. What did you do anyway, girl?
Grangly Girl: I'm a racist.
Wacky: I'm sure you just need educated or so my mind is telling me.
Grangly Girl: No, I'm just a racist.
Wacky: But there must be good in you because I thought it for a second or so!
TIMMYNOSE: ALISHA'S ATTIC ROAR ROAR.
AdmiralSin: Seriously Wacky, just give up on her and come do some drugs on this crazy alien world.
Wacky: They probably wouldn't work on my anyway.
Badger: Yeah, you're probably right. Loser.
(His four friends walk away without ever looking back. The Chief of the Grangly people lingers.)
Chief Grangly: Are you sure about this, Wacky?
Wacky: I'd rather seek redemption through this small racist, thank you.
Chief Grangly: YER MIND IS FUCKED, BOY!!!!
(The Chief Grangly pulls off his mask revealing that he is, in fact, HENOCH!)
Wacky: Henoch!?
Henoch: She's not even really racist, we just brainwashed her into thinking she is, fatty!
Wacky: I'm not even fat!
Henoch: Neither is YER MOM!
(Henoch shoots the Grangly Girl with his penis phaser, disintergrating her.)
Henoch: HAHAHAHAHAHA, NO DRUGS FOR THE DEPRESSED DOUR SCOT!
Wacky: I don't know what the right thing to do is! I never know! NEVER.
Henoch: And you never will, CUNT!!!!!!
(Wacky wakes up with a start. He is on a plane.)
Whisky: Wake up, we've arrived in Russia!
Wacky: Huh? Again?
Headvoid: This is the first time!
Fuddlemiff: Yeah, it's a week ago and Stingray isn't dead and we've just arrived in Russia.
Wacky: But the dreams have been so vivid...we were in Russia, there were Australians, then I woke up, but then I went to an alien planet and tried to help a racist girl get "better" because I found her cute and...Henoch shot her with his dick!?
Gagh: Sounds a bit like that episode of DS9 where Quark and Rom decided to give homosexual incest a try and Nog walked in but, far from being shocked, he said "How about a LEG UP on your sex life!" and stuck his leg up Rom's ass and PAUL ROBINSON'S leg up Quark's and pleasured them both for hours until Walker Texas Ranger arrived and arrested him for tax fraud, a crime he'd been framed of commiting by Frank Bruno!
Wacky: Frank Bruno detectors on sale for twent nine pence! That was a thing too!
(The pilot's voice comes over the inter-com.)
Pilot: Well here we are at...THE ISLAND FROM LOST!? HOW!?
TO BE CONCLUDED(!?)
Wacky: Well here we are on planet Grangly 8, home of the Grangly people.
TIMMYNOSE: WOOF WOOF, I'M A PIRATE.
SallySexpot: Where's the welcoming committee?
Admiral Sin: Maybe they're behind this rock!
(Badger, the strongest of the Mine Fielders as we all know, lifts up the rock. And green-skinned Grangly people jump out!)
Grangly People(singing): TRA LA LA LA LA, WE ARE THE GRANGLY PEOPLE, WE'RE HERE TO GREAT, WE'RE HERE TO SING, TRA LA LA LA LA, YAY!
Wacky: Hi.
Badger: You're so small I could just stomp y'all to death!
(Everyone laughs at Badger's patented catchphrase.)
TIMMYNOSE: PURPLE SHEEP FOR THE WIN.
SallySexpot: So we're here to open up negotiations regarding the possibility of a Mine Field franchise on your homeworld...
Grangly Person: OH REALLY! I believe that is a favourite quote of you Earthlingoids!
Badger: Hahaha, I like these guys!
Admiral Sin: I also.
TIMMYNOSE: FRANK BRUNO DETECTORS ON SALES FOR TWENTY NINE PEE.
Wacky: Hey, what's wrong with her?
(There is a cute, small, blond Grangly girl sitting far away from the others, sobbing and sucking her little thumb.)
Grangly Person: Oh, her? She is an IRREDEEMABLE BITCH who we have exiled! I'd ignore her, if I were you!
Wacky: But she could use some help!
Grangly Person: Not after what she's done!
Wacky: Everyone deserves a second chance except paedophiles. It's the law.
Grangly Person: YER WASTING YER TIME, HETEROFUCK!
Wacky: Well I want to try!
Admiral Sin: Oh boy, here we go again, Wacky tries to save the cute blond because he believes there's some "good" in her, because there MUST be something about her if he was drawn to her for only a moment, of course there must be, he can't possibly have been mistaken, oh no, not CaptainWacky, he'll find the good in her and be vindicated, or spend days trying to while the negotiations fall apart, that's our fearless leader!
(Wacky is sitting down with the Grangly Girl, stroking her hair, ignoring Admiral Sin.)
StaceySexpot: We can't negotiate without the Wackster!
Badger: What a waste of time it was coming here.
TIMMYNOSE: GRRR ROGER MOORE NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM.
Grangly Person: Well, we do have mind-altering drugs if you want them. They'll make you immortal and cause you to experience unparralled feelings of bliss for all of time. Just, you know, if you're interested!
StaceySexpot: SIGN ME UP!
Badger: Come on Wacky, they've got drugs!
Wacky: No I'm trying to help this hopelsss case. Besides, we're not here for drugs, we're here to...do something else. I forget. I forget all. All is faded. All is dark. What did you do anyway, girl?
Grangly Girl: I'm a racist.
Wacky: I'm sure you just need educated or so my mind is telling me.
Grangly Girl: No, I'm just a racist.
Wacky: But there must be good in you because I thought it for a second or so!
TIMMYNOSE: ALISHA'S ATTIC ROAR ROAR.
AdmiralSin: Seriously Wacky, just give up on her and come do some drugs on this crazy alien world.
Wacky: They probably wouldn't work on my anyway.
Badger: Yeah, you're probably right. Loser.
(His four friends walk away without ever looking back. The Chief of the Grangly people lingers.)
Chief Grangly: Are you sure about this, Wacky?
Wacky: I'd rather seek redemption through this small racist, thank you.
Chief Grangly: YER MIND IS FUCKED, BOY!!!!
(The Chief Grangly pulls off his mask revealing that he is, in fact, HENOCH!)
Wacky: Henoch!?
Henoch: She's not even really racist, we just brainwashed her into thinking she is, fatty!
Wacky: I'm not even fat!
Henoch: Neither is YER MOM!
(Henoch shoots the Grangly Girl with his penis phaser, disintergrating her.)
Henoch: HAHAHAHAHAHA, NO DRUGS FOR THE DEPRESSED DOUR SCOT!
Wacky: I don't know what the right thing to do is! I never know! NEVER.
Henoch: And you never will, CUNT!!!!!!
(Wacky wakes up with a start. He is on a plane.)
Whisky: Wake up, we've arrived in Russia!
Wacky: Huh? Again?
Headvoid: This is the first time!
Fuddlemiff: Yeah, it's a week ago and Stingray isn't dead and we've just arrived in Russia.
Wacky: But the dreams have been so vivid...we were in Russia, there were Australians, then I woke up, but then I went to an alien planet and tried to help a racist girl get "better" because I found her cute and...Henoch shot her with his dick!?
Gagh: Sounds a bit like that episode of DS9 where Quark and Rom decided to give homosexual incest a try and Nog walked in but, far from being shocked, he said "How about a LEG UP on your sex life!" and stuck his leg up Rom's ass and PAUL ROBINSON'S leg up Quark's and pleasured them both for hours until Walker Texas Ranger arrived and arrested him for tax fraud, a crime he'd been framed of commiting by Frank Bruno!
Wacky: Frank Bruno detectors on sale for twent nine pence! That was a thing too!
(The pilot's voice comes over the inter-com.)
Pilot: Well here we are at...THE ISLAND FROM LOST!? HOW!?
TO BE CONCLUDED(!?)
