CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(CaptainWacky, Fuddlemiff, Whisky, Headvoid and Gagh step off a plane.)
Wacky: Well, here we are in Russia!
Whisky: About time too!
Gagh: That was weird, wasn't it? How the pilot said they had to fly extra slow in case they crashed into a cloud.
Wacky: The important thing is, we're here!
Fuddlemiff: And how come they had to black out the windows so we couldn't see anything!
Wacky: Security reasons! Ever since the MF visited Japan and France we've become a worldwide phenomenom! Every country wants a Mine Field franchise...and a piece of our asses! If anyone saw us lands, groupies would run over and have their way with us!
Fuddlemiff: ...so why not let them?
Wacky: We're hear on business, my young miffster! Russian Mine Field relations business!
Headvoid: Here comes a Russian to meet us...I guess...this is all pretty stupid.
(An apparent RUSSIAN walks over. He has a big RUSSIAN MOUSTACHE.)
Russian: G'day, mates! Welcome to Russia, you pompies!
Whisky: Err, why are you talking like that?
(The Russian looks around in panic for a moment, then collects himself and smiles.)
Russian: Err, umm...ancient Russian joke mate...I mean, comrade. For I am ruskie, comrade! I like BAD SOUP and everything!
Fuddlemiff: Well if he likes bad soup then he must be a russian.
Gagh: Yeah, like the character BENJAMIN FEET in the popular movie: DIE HARD 9: THIS ONE DOESN'T HAVE BRUCE WILLIS IN IT, JUST A GUY NAMED BENJAMIN FEET FOR SOME REASON AND HE'S RUSSIAN DID I MENTION THAT. Great film!
Russian: Yes, haha, I am like feet...now, I take you to RUSSIAN INTERNET MEETING PLACE, comrades!
Wacky: Oh, goodie!
(They all get in his RUSSIAN CAR outside.)
Headvoid: Hey, how come it's winter? We're in the SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Russian: Haha...it always winter in Russia since Trostky left!
Heavoid: ...
Russian: Onwards!
(They drive for a bit. Nothing interesting happens.)
Russian: Well, here we are at Lenin's Mausoleum!
Wacky: This is where your internet headquarters are!?
Russian: Yes!
Whisky: How come Lenin's Mausoleum is a run-down old shed?
Russian: It always has been, silly capitalist!
Whisky: Hmm...
(They go inside.)
Fuddlemiff: Hey, wait a minute, I want to buy something from the gift shop!
Whisky: There's a gift shop?
Fuddlemiff: Yep! I'll buy this PLASTIC STINGRAY, please!
Whisky: Hmm...
Wacky: Err, so where is the meeting place?
(Lenin's body rises into the air and a SECRET PASSAGE opens underneath!)
Wacky: Oh.
Whisky: Hey, Lenin wasn't black!
Russian: What is your name anyway?
Whisky: Whisky.
Russian: Ah yes, my favourite drink, the favourite of all Russians!
Whisky: Hmm...
(Whisky backs away into the shadows as the others go deep belower the floating black Lenin, into a PASSAGEWAY.)
Gagh: This is kind of like that time on Eastenders when Dirty Den was looking for buried treasure under Arthur Fowler's allotement, but Dot Cotton wanted it too and attempted to beat him to death with a stuffed pheasant but JUST IN TIME his daughter Sharon arrived and snapped Dot's neck like a twig and started kissing Den and they got carried away and starting making out and fondling each other and Den said "hey, she's adopted anyway, folks!" but then EIFFEL'S GHOST appeared and said "I'll avenge you Dot!" and turned into Riksihi and started dancing.
Wacky: Yeah it's exactly like that!
Russian: Here we are!
(They are in a BIG UNDERGROUND LAYER like something from a Bond movie with lots of Russians walking around with clipboards and big supercomputers and shit. And Bob The Builder, for some reason.)
Russian: We invited your good friend Bob the Builder along to make you feel comfortable? Can he fix it? You bet your English arse he can, comrades!
Headvoid: You know I've met Bob the Builder on eight occasions and that one looks a bit...shabby.
Russian: He was mauled by a russian bear!
Headvoid: Oh right, that would do it.
Wacky: So are we going to discuss terms?
(The Russian gives a KNOWING GLANCE to some of his, err, comrades.)
Russian: YOU GIVE US MINE FIELD CONTROL, OR YOU DIE!!!!
Wacky: Err, what?
Russian: Oh, I forgot to order them to pull their guns out!
(Lots of Russians pull guns out!)
Fuddlemiff: I could be home watching Neighbours, but NOOOOOOOOO I had to come to Russia...
Gagh: This reminds me of that time some snooker played pulled a gun out on R2D2 and said "BEEP BEEP WHISTLE!" for he is of course a robot and the snooker play who was HURRICAN HIGGINS I just remembered I think asked C3PO for a translation and he said "He says he hasn't got any money, just a pair of skinny jeans!" and farted so the snooker player said "Heh, it's not a real gun anway, it's a carrot!" and it was and then a rabbit appeared out his hair and ate the carrot and ANYA FROM BUFFY wasn't even scared which was poor continuity.
Headvoid: Yeah, me too.
Wacky: I don't understand! We wanted to open relations with the Russians, we like them and their soup!
(Whisky appears SUDDENLY.)
Whisky: But they're not really Russians...they're AUSTRALIAN!
Russian: Haha, your drink-named friend is right!
(All the Russians pulls off their moustaches revealing that they are, in fact, AUSSIE BASTARDS!
Fuddlemiff: Oooh, do any of you like Neighbours?
Australian: No, we all hate it, pah, we spit on it and Home and Away too!
Gagh: What about FLYING DOCTORS?
Australian: PAH!
Gagh: You monsters!
Australian: Come over here or you get shot too!
Whisky: Oh I don't think so...I brought back-up.
(The A-TEAM jump out!)
Mr T: Where dem Aussies at, I'll fuck them up, sucka!
Murdoch: BARK BARK!
Whiksy: I called them on the plane JUST IN CASE!
Australian: Ha, it is no matter, everyone knows the A-Team will never kill anyway...
(The A-Team gun down all the Australians brutally, killing most on the spot.)
Hannibal: Put a bullet in the skull of any Australian left alive.
Face: Jermaine Jackson wouldn't approve...
(Hannibal slaps Face.)
Hannibal: I give the fucking orders around here!
Gagh: Ha, they've gone all GRITTY! Like popular tv show DEEP SPACE GALACTICA where a group of people live in spae and shoot and shout at each other all the time and sometimes have sex but they call fucking "franking" as a tribute to Frank Bruno, no what a I mean Harry? And of course by Harry I mean HARRY KIM, VOYAGER ROCKS THE BOX!
Wacky: Stop stating the obvious!
(Headvoid walks over to the downed Bob The Builder.)
Heavoid: Let's find out who you really are...
(He pulls the Bob mask off. IT'S STEVE IRWIN!)
Headvoid: OH SHIT!
Irwin: CRIKEY! Looks like I got some poms to kill, Kim!
Gagh: But you're dead! Like Odo (he died of a heart attack this morning)!
Irwin: I was brought back to life by vodoo, mate!
(Fuddlemiff sneaks up behind Irwin and stabs him to death with the PLASTIC STINGRAY.)
Fuddlemiff: Spiggin' hufter!
Wacky: What an ironic death!
Headvoid: And how many must die Wacky, hmm? How many must die in your pursuit of taking the Mine Field global? HOW MANY?
Wacky: Do you really care?
Headvoid: Nah, not really. I'm off to meet Bart Simpson, seeya!
Whisky: There's one thing I don't understand...
Gagh: What's what?
Whisky: All this crap that just happened.
Fuddlemiff: Yeah, I don't really get it either.
Gagh: It's almost as confusing as the plot to that episode of THE BILL where, instead of police officers, the police station was staffed by CLOWNS and they went around interfering with children! And I don't mean sexually, just like interfering with children's lives, distracting them from their jig saws and skipping ropes by making funny clown faces!
Headvoid: It's even more confusing than that!
Wacky: It's fucking simple, okay? The Aussies wanted a Mine Field franchise so they pretended to be russian and hijacked our plane I guess and...wait, why didn't they just ask us for a Mine Field franchise? I'd have given them ten!
(Steve Irwin stands up again. WITH FANGS. All the other Australians stand up too, WITH FANGS!)
Irwin: Because we're not really Aussies either, mate! We're vampires!
Wacky: Oh.
Hannibal: Let's get the fuck out of here!
(They all run out of the underground base and to a waiting plane.)
Mr T: I ain't gettin' on no plane, foo'!
(All the vampires start laughing at this hilarious line, for so long that our heroes manage to escape!)
Gagh: Well, that was all great except for one thing...
Wacky: What's that, me old minted toast-buster?
Gagh: I'M A VAMPIRE TOO!!!
Wacky: Really!?
Gagh: No. But I am CAPTAIN CAVEMAN! BONK!
Whisky: Err, this isn't probably the best time to mention this, but I have absolutely no plans to pay you...
Hannibal: Oh don't worry...VAMPIRES REQUIRE NO PAYMENT!
(All the A-Team turn into Vampires!)
Fuddlemiff: FUCK!
Gagh: FRANK!
(Wacky wakes up with a start. He's still on the plane, what the fuck!?)
Headvoid: Hurry up, we've finally arrived in Russia, you fat ox!
Wacky: IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
FIN
Wacky: Well, here we are in Russia!
Whisky: About time too!
Gagh: That was weird, wasn't it? How the pilot said they had to fly extra slow in case they crashed into a cloud.
Wacky: The important thing is, we're here!
Fuddlemiff: And how come they had to black out the windows so we couldn't see anything!
Wacky: Security reasons! Ever since the MF visited Japan and France we've become a worldwide phenomenom! Every country wants a Mine Field franchise...and a piece of our asses! If anyone saw us lands, groupies would run over and have their way with us!
Fuddlemiff: ...so why not let them?
Wacky: We're hear on business, my young miffster! Russian Mine Field relations business!
Headvoid: Here comes a Russian to meet us...I guess...this is all pretty stupid.
(An apparent RUSSIAN walks over. He has a big RUSSIAN MOUSTACHE.)
Russian: G'day, mates! Welcome to Russia, you pompies!
Whisky: Err, why are you talking like that?
(The Russian looks around in panic for a moment, then collects himself and smiles.)
Russian: Err, umm...ancient Russian joke mate...I mean, comrade. For I am ruskie, comrade! I like BAD SOUP and everything!
Fuddlemiff: Well if he likes bad soup then he must be a russian.
Gagh: Yeah, like the character BENJAMIN FEET in the popular movie: DIE HARD 9: THIS ONE DOESN'T HAVE BRUCE WILLIS IN IT, JUST A GUY NAMED BENJAMIN FEET FOR SOME REASON AND HE'S RUSSIAN DID I MENTION THAT. Great film!
Russian: Yes, haha, I am like feet...now, I take you to RUSSIAN INTERNET MEETING PLACE, comrades!
Wacky: Oh, goodie!
(They all get in his RUSSIAN CAR outside.)
Headvoid: Hey, how come it's winter? We're in the SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!
Russian: Haha...it always winter in Russia since Trostky left!
Heavoid: ...
Russian: Onwards!
(They drive for a bit. Nothing interesting happens.)
Russian: Well, here we are at Lenin's Mausoleum!
Wacky: This is where your internet headquarters are!?
Russian: Yes!
Whisky: How come Lenin's Mausoleum is a run-down old shed?
Russian: It always has been, silly capitalist!
Whisky: Hmm...
(They go inside.)
Fuddlemiff: Hey, wait a minute, I want to buy something from the gift shop!
Whisky: There's a gift shop?
Fuddlemiff: Yep! I'll buy this PLASTIC STINGRAY, please!
Whisky: Hmm...
Wacky: Err, so where is the meeting place?
(Lenin's body rises into the air and a SECRET PASSAGE opens underneath!)
Wacky: Oh.
Whisky: Hey, Lenin wasn't black!
Russian: What is your name anyway?
Whisky: Whisky.
Russian: Ah yes, my favourite drink, the favourite of all Russians!
Whisky: Hmm...
(Whisky backs away into the shadows as the others go deep belower the floating black Lenin, into a PASSAGEWAY.)
Gagh: This is kind of like that time on Eastenders when Dirty Den was looking for buried treasure under Arthur Fowler's allotement, but Dot Cotton wanted it too and attempted to beat him to death with a stuffed pheasant but JUST IN TIME his daughter Sharon arrived and snapped Dot's neck like a twig and started kissing Den and they got carried away and starting making out and fondling each other and Den said "hey, she's adopted anyway, folks!" but then EIFFEL'S GHOST appeared and said "I'll avenge you Dot!" and turned into Riksihi and started dancing.
Wacky: Yeah it's exactly like that!
Russian: Here we are!
(They are in a BIG UNDERGROUND LAYER like something from a Bond movie with lots of Russians walking around with clipboards and big supercomputers and shit. And Bob The Builder, for some reason.)
Russian: We invited your good friend Bob the Builder along to make you feel comfortable? Can he fix it? You bet your English arse he can, comrades!
Headvoid: You know I've met Bob the Builder on eight occasions and that one looks a bit...shabby.
Russian: He was mauled by a russian bear!
Headvoid: Oh right, that would do it.
Wacky: So are we going to discuss terms?
(The Russian gives a KNOWING GLANCE to some of his, err, comrades.)
Russian: YOU GIVE US MINE FIELD CONTROL, OR YOU DIE!!!!
Wacky: Err, what?
Russian: Oh, I forgot to order them to pull their guns out!
(Lots of Russians pull guns out!)
Fuddlemiff: I could be home watching Neighbours, but NOOOOOOOOO I had to come to Russia...
Gagh: This reminds me of that time some snooker played pulled a gun out on R2D2 and said "BEEP BEEP WHISTLE!" for he is of course a robot and the snooker play who was HURRICAN HIGGINS I just remembered I think asked C3PO for a translation and he said "He says he hasn't got any money, just a pair of skinny jeans!" and farted so the snooker player said "Heh, it's not a real gun anway, it's a carrot!" and it was and then a rabbit appeared out his hair and ate the carrot and ANYA FROM BUFFY wasn't even scared which was poor continuity.
Headvoid: Yeah, me too.
Wacky: I don't understand! We wanted to open relations with the Russians, we like them and their soup!
(Whisky appears SUDDENLY.)
Whisky: But they're not really Russians...they're AUSTRALIAN!
Russian: Haha, your drink-named friend is right!
(All the Russians pulls off their moustaches revealing that they are, in fact, AUSSIE BASTARDS!
Fuddlemiff: Oooh, do any of you like Neighbours?
Australian: No, we all hate it, pah, we spit on it and Home and Away too!
Gagh: What about FLYING DOCTORS?
Australian: PAH!
Gagh: You monsters!
Australian: Come over here or you get shot too!
Whisky: Oh I don't think so...I brought back-up.
(The A-TEAM jump out!)
Mr T: Where dem Aussies at, I'll fuck them up, sucka!
Murdoch: BARK BARK!
Whiksy: I called them on the plane JUST IN CASE!
Australian: Ha, it is no matter, everyone knows the A-Team will never kill anyway...
(The A-Team gun down all the Australians brutally, killing most on the spot.)
Hannibal: Put a bullet in the skull of any Australian left alive.
Face: Jermaine Jackson wouldn't approve...
(Hannibal slaps Face.)
Hannibal: I give the fucking orders around here!
Gagh: Ha, they've gone all GRITTY! Like popular tv show DEEP SPACE GALACTICA where a group of people live in spae and shoot and shout at each other all the time and sometimes have sex but they call fucking "franking" as a tribute to Frank Bruno, no what a I mean Harry? And of course by Harry I mean HARRY KIM, VOYAGER ROCKS THE BOX!
Wacky: Stop stating the obvious!
(Headvoid walks over to the downed Bob The Builder.)
Heavoid: Let's find out who you really are...
(He pulls the Bob mask off. IT'S STEVE IRWIN!)
Headvoid: OH SHIT!
Irwin: CRIKEY! Looks like I got some poms to kill, Kim!
Gagh: But you're dead! Like Odo (he died of a heart attack this morning)!
Irwin: I was brought back to life by vodoo, mate!
(Fuddlemiff sneaks up behind Irwin and stabs him to death with the PLASTIC STINGRAY.)
Fuddlemiff: Spiggin' hufter!
Wacky: What an ironic death!
Headvoid: And how many must die Wacky, hmm? How many must die in your pursuit of taking the Mine Field global? HOW MANY?
Wacky: Do you really care?
Headvoid: Nah, not really. I'm off to meet Bart Simpson, seeya!
Whisky: There's one thing I don't understand...
Gagh: What's what?
Whisky: All this crap that just happened.
Fuddlemiff: Yeah, I don't really get it either.
Gagh: It's almost as confusing as the plot to that episode of THE BILL where, instead of police officers, the police station was staffed by CLOWNS and they went around interfering with children! And I don't mean sexually, just like interfering with children's lives, distracting them from their jig saws and skipping ropes by making funny clown faces!
Headvoid: It's even more confusing than that!
Wacky: It's fucking simple, okay? The Aussies wanted a Mine Field franchise so they pretended to be russian and hijacked our plane I guess and...wait, why didn't they just ask us for a Mine Field franchise? I'd have given them ten!
(Steve Irwin stands up again. WITH FANGS. All the other Australians stand up too, WITH FANGS!)
Irwin: Because we're not really Aussies either, mate! We're vampires!
Wacky: Oh.
Hannibal: Let's get the fuck out of here!
(They all run out of the underground base and to a waiting plane.)
Mr T: I ain't gettin' on no plane, foo'!
(All the vampires start laughing at this hilarious line, for so long that our heroes manage to escape!)
Gagh: Well, that was all great except for one thing...
Wacky: What's that, me old minted toast-buster?
Gagh: I'M A VAMPIRE TOO!!!
Wacky: Really!?
Gagh: No. But I am CAPTAIN CAVEMAN! BONK!
Whisky: Err, this isn't probably the best time to mention this, but I have absolutely no plans to pay you...
Hannibal: Oh don't worry...VAMPIRES REQUIRE NO PAYMENT!
(All the A-Team turn into Vampires!)
Fuddlemiff: FUCK!
Gagh: FRANK!
(Wacky wakes up with a start. He's still on the plane, what the fuck!?)
Headvoid: Hurry up, we've finally arrived in Russia, you fat ox!
Wacky: IT WAS ALL A DREAM!
FIN
