CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Mate! Matey! Matester! It's me! Johnny The Fuck Nose! Mate!" said Johnny Nose to Craig.
"Err, are you sure you have the right person?" asked Craig. That Craig! He was always a joker. Or was that Brian? Ah, who cares. He looked older, but he would! School had been a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. His hairline was receding. He looked like he had devil horns. Johnny fought the urge to comment on it. He realised he better say something before Craig just walked away.
"We went to school together! Mate! Remember? Johnny Nose! We were friends! BUT NOT WITH BENEFITS." Shit he shouldn't have said that last part.
"Johnny," he said. He was obviously remembering. A look of recognition came over Craig's face. Then something like a shudder. "Yeah, hi, been a while," he said.
"What the FUCK you been up to, eh? Bet you've been getting ALL KINDS of pussy!"
"Haha, I'm married now," said Craig, looking around nervously. Johnny hated being reminded that people he used to know had grown up to have normal lives. He shoudln't have gone down this line of questioning. He had to bring it back to the glory days of school.
"Remember when you fucked Jenny Chambers in the toilets? You were a fucking hero, man!"
"That wasn't me," said Craig. "And that's not funny."
"Oh, Jenny way the girl who got raped at school," said Johnny, casually. He'd always confused her with Hannah Chalmers. "It was Hannah you fucked!"
"I didn't fuck anyway, she didn't get raped, someone tried to feel her up, I beat them up, and I haven't thought about this shit for years," said Craig, looking angry now. "You haven't changed much."
"Thanks!"
"It wasn't a compliment. You used to talk shite then and you still do now."
"Come on, we had some good times! Remember when I pulled down Miss Budgie's skirt?"
"What the fuck..."
"Remember when I put your jacket on one time and walked around posing."
"Yes, actually. Why did you do that?"
"For the fucklaughs!"
"Look, my wife is meeting me here, you should go."
"That her? That fat...that nice looking lady...hang on. That's Jenny!"
"Hi..." said Jenny, walking over.
"We were just talking about the time you were nearly groped!" said Johnny.
"Craig, who is this?" she said, scared. She was still pretty. Fat? Maybe a bit. Maybe she'd always been. It was weird how memory worked.
"It's Johnny fucking Nose," sighed Craig.
"Johnny THE FUCK Nose," corrected Johnny.
"That cunt we went to school with?" asked Jenny.
"THE cunt you went to shcool with!" corrected Johnny. "This is great, catching up. We should have a school reunion. Get everyone there."
"We have one every year," said Craig. "And I'm still in touch with a lot of the guys anyway."
"Oh," said Johnny, trying not to show the tinge of sadness he was feeling. "I haven't heard from anyone in years..."
"I keep up with everyone on Facebook," said Jenny, giving a smug look.
"I got banned for...reasons," said Johnny.
"We really need to go now," said Craig.
"Oh, sure," said Johnny, trying not to spiral. "Hey, whatever DID happen to Hannah?"
"She had cancer, Johnny," said Jenny, looking disgusted at him. "She died."
"You sick fuck," said Craig.
"Oh that was HANNAH," said Johnny. "I always confused her with Heather. I used to wanker over Heather! What happened to her?"
"There were two Heathers and I don't know either of them anymore," said Jenny. "Goodbye now."
"Yeah, bye," said Craig and the two of them hurried away.
"Two Heathers," said Johnny. "You just blew my mind! But which one did I used to wank to?
He went home and set up a facek Facebook profile so he could find out which Heather he used to wank to.
Then he realised he should have asked Craig or Jenny what both their surnames had been. No matter, he'd just send a friend request to Craig and Jenny.
He waited for a reply.
He waited for a long time.
"Err, are you sure you have the right person?" asked Craig. That Craig! He was always a joker. Or was that Brian? Ah, who cares. He looked older, but he would! School had been a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. His hairline was receding. He looked like he had devil horns. Johnny fought the urge to comment on it. He realised he better say something before Craig just walked away.
"We went to school together! Mate! Remember? Johnny Nose! We were friends! BUT NOT WITH BENEFITS." Shit he shouldn't have said that last part.
"Johnny," he said. He was obviously remembering. A look of recognition came over Craig's face. Then something like a shudder. "Yeah, hi, been a while," he said.
"What the FUCK you been up to, eh? Bet you've been getting ALL KINDS of pussy!"
"Haha, I'm married now," said Craig, looking around nervously. Johnny hated being reminded that people he used to know had grown up to have normal lives. He shoudln't have gone down this line of questioning. He had to bring it back to the glory days of school.
"Remember when you fucked Jenny Chambers in the toilets? You were a fucking hero, man!"
"That wasn't me," said Craig. "And that's not funny."
"Oh, Jenny way the girl who got raped at school," said Johnny, casually. He'd always confused her with Hannah Chalmers. "It was Hannah you fucked!"
"I didn't fuck anyway, she didn't get raped, someone tried to feel her up, I beat them up, and I haven't thought about this shit for years," said Craig, looking angry now. "You haven't changed much."
"Thanks!"
"It wasn't a compliment. You used to talk shite then and you still do now."
"Come on, we had some good times! Remember when I pulled down Miss Budgie's skirt?"
"What the fuck..."
"Remember when I put your jacket on one time and walked around posing."
"Yes, actually. Why did you do that?"
"For the fucklaughs!"
"Look, my wife is meeting me here, you should go."
"That her? That fat...that nice looking lady...hang on. That's Jenny!"
"Hi..." said Jenny, walking over.
"We were just talking about the time you were nearly groped!" said Johnny.
"Craig, who is this?" she said, scared. She was still pretty. Fat? Maybe a bit. Maybe she'd always been. It was weird how memory worked.
"It's Johnny fucking Nose," sighed Craig.
"Johnny THE FUCK Nose," corrected Johnny.
"That cunt we went to school with?" asked Jenny.
"THE cunt you went to shcool with!" corrected Johnny. "This is great, catching up. We should have a school reunion. Get everyone there."
"We have one every year," said Craig. "And I'm still in touch with a lot of the guys anyway."
"Oh," said Johnny, trying not to show the tinge of sadness he was feeling. "I haven't heard from anyone in years..."
"I keep up with everyone on Facebook," said Jenny, giving a smug look.
"I got banned for...reasons," said Johnny.
"We really need to go now," said Craig.
"Oh, sure," said Johnny, trying not to spiral. "Hey, whatever DID happen to Hannah?"
"She had cancer, Johnny," said Jenny, looking disgusted at him. "She died."
"You sick fuck," said Craig.
"Oh that was HANNAH," said Johnny. "I always confused her with Heather. I used to wanker over Heather! What happened to her?"
"There were two Heathers and I don't know either of them anymore," said Jenny. "Goodbye now."
"Yeah, bye," said Craig and the two of them hurried away.
"Two Heathers," said Johnny. "You just blew my mind! But which one did I used to wank to?
He went home and set up a facek Facebook profile so he could find out which Heather he used to wank to.
Then he realised he should have asked Craig or Jenny what both their surnames had been. No matter, he'd just send a friend request to Craig and Jenny.
He waited for a reply.
He waited for a long time.