CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
A massive crowd are gathered outside the Captain Wacky Centre For Excellence to watch his speech. The press are there in force, flashing their camers as famous faces appear. A MAN REPORTER and a WOMAN REPORTER are speaking to the camera.
"A sea of humanity have shown up here tonight," says the man.
"That's right, well over a million people will witness Wacky's speech in person and of course the entire population of Earth will be watching on tv!" says the woman.
"And all of this in ONE YEAR!" says the man.
"He has changed the world with words in one years," says the woman, a tear in her eye. "I know I'm a journalist and I'm not supposed to say things like this, but I love Captain Wacky. I really do."
"We all do. We all do. Ever since the first thing of the day, one year ago, went viral, the world has loved Captain Wacky. And we have learned from him."
"Oh God yes, we've learned so much from his teachings. He's shown us how to live our lives in a bitter way, he's made the world the utopia it is today. And it's all thanks to thing of the day."
"Incredible to think about! And...oh look, some of the celebrities are arriving! There's Wacky's ex wife Natalie Portman with their baby son Aleph!"
"Isn't she looking beautiful tonight, and Aleph is a handsome young chap for sure!"
"Just like his father, haha! And of course Wacky's current wife Olivia Wilde will be there as well."
"That's right, he's joked that he could divorce her at any time and remarry Natalie!"
"And you can bet Natalie would be happy to do that and Olivia would step aside gracefully!"
"Wait, here comes Professor Richard Dawkins! Let's try to get a word with him..."
The reporters run over to Dawkins. It doesn't really matter which of the two is speaking now.
"Dawkins, hi!"
"Yes, umm, hi," says Dawkins.
"Let me ask you something, prof, is it true that Thing Of The Day has made you question your own atheism."
"Well, umm, look, yes that is somewhat true, but, umm, look...what I said was...I've always said there isn't a shred of evidence for the existence of God. That is why I'm an atheist. But then I started reading Thing Of The Day. And every day, with every thing, I asked myself how does CaptainWacky do this? How could these just be words? I couldn't work it out...why was the thing of the day effecting me so much? Why was it changing the world? Could it have been...touched by the devine? This was absurd, my rational mind new it. But for the first time, my spiritual side was being touched. I fnially understood what religious people felt. Of course I tried to rationalise it. It's all just a series of eleaborate memes. Thing Of The Day is the greatest work of literature in human history, but it IS just that, really great writing...yet how did the whole end up as greater than the sum of the parts? How could anyman construct this? Read alone, every thing of the day is genius, but reading every installment one day after the other...it is a map fo how to live. It is...it is...gosh, even now I can't put it in words. How DOES he do it? I almost don't want to continue my studies, don't want to understand the secrets. It would be like losing my faith."
"Yeah, that's great...hey look, Tomtrek's here!"
They run off to talk to Tomtrek.
_______________________________
CaptainWacky takes the stage. The million people in the massive centre drop into a hushed silence. He looksat them. Then smiles. They applaud.
"No, really, please...that's too much. I'm just like you. Just a man. One year ago, I was bored. I went to my favourite website and decided to write something. I had no idea what it would be...so I called it a thing of the day. It felt good, to pour my soul out through my keyboard. I did it again the next day. And the next. And people read. And...honestly, I didn't plan this...I made the world a better place. I know it's not arrogance to say that, it's just a fact. Every day the things just get better and better. I didn't stop. I didn't want to stop. It came to me so easily. Every day, a new thing, with no breaks, for one year. And now I'm here!"
The audience applaud like mad for five minutes.
"Yes, thanks you. But I'm not here for your applause. Well, not just your applause, haha. I'm here to announce something. I've made the world a pretty great place, yes. I've ended poverty and cured must diseases with my writings. I've written the most exhaustive, accurated listing of female celebrities ranked on hotness known to man. But I could do better. And my scientists are working on something better. We plan...I plan...to cure death itself. I'm going to make us all immortal!"
The audience weep openly at this.
"And now a reading from my new Johnny Nose novel!"
__________________________________
Johnny Nose was bored. He decided to set fire to a hat.
"I'LL FUCKING BURN A HAT!" he said.
He couldn't find a hat.
"WHERE'S A HAT?" he asked an old man. "WHERE'S A FUCKING HAT?"
"Son, I'm 87 years old, I could die at any minute. I'm not going to waste the time I have left helping you find a hat!" said the old man.
"I FUCKED YOUR GRANDAUGHTER!" said Johnny.
"No, you did not," said the old man, sighing.
"I FUCKED YOUR GRANDSON!" said Johnny. "NEED A HAT."
He ran and ran all around town, but he could not find a hat.
"NEED A HAT!" he screamed at the moon, for it was night now. "NEED A HAT."
But no hat came.
"Need a hat," he cried. "Need...a...hat."
No hat came.
____________________________________
The audience begin bowing down to Wacky, chanting "we're not worthy" after this reading. Girls present him with flowers.
"Oh, please," says Wacky, smiling. "You ARE worthy!"
The roof of the Captain Wacky Centre For Excellence is ripped off.
"Oh sht," says Wacky. A 400 foot tall alien looks in.
"CAPTAINWACKY," it says. "YOU WERE GRANTED OMNIPOTENCE BY THE UNIVERSAL CONSTRUCT. YOU HAVE SQUANDERED THAT GIFT."
"Come on, you gave me a...oh. You gave me a year," says Wacky, remebering.
"YOU WERE TO USE YOUR POWER FOR GOOD, NOT ALTER THE MINDS OF THESE POOR PEOPLE INTO WORSHIPPING YOU AS A CELEBRITY GOD," says the alien.
"I did use the power for good! I used the power to write really amazing things of the day! It just so happened that whenever anyone read them they were transformed into mindless worshippers! Is that so bad?"
"YES. YOU MADE POOR NATALIE PORTMAN AND OLIVIA WILDE MARRY YOU."
"I...they wanted to..."
"YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T."
"But...there's world peace..."
"AT THE COST OF FREEDOM. YOUR POWER SHALL BE TAKEN FROM YOU."
"No, NEVER! It's mine...I can't go back to what I was before. I can never go back. I'll use my powers...TO DESTROY YOU!"
And the fight begins.
_____________________________________________
One thousand years in the future, an old man is reading a story to his grandson.
"And that is how Captain Wacky defeated the representative of the universal construct and the utopia that has last one thousand and one years continued!" said the grandfather.
"But how did he get the power in the first place?" asked the grandson.
"Because he was worthy!" said the grandfather.
"Not just random chance?" asked the grandson.
"No! He deseved it!" said the grandfather.
That was when the sky went dark and the alien appeared again.
"YOU CANNOT HIDE HERE," it said. "WE SEE YOU IN HERE."
"I'll never go back!" said the grandfather.
"AND YOU CAN'T FOOL US WITH THAT MEATPUPPET! WE KNOW THE REAL WACKY IS IN THE GRANDSON, THAT HE STRIPPED MOST OF HIS MEMORIES AWAY TO SURVIVE, WE CAN SENSE THE SMALL PART THAT REMAINS."
"I'm...Wacky?" asked the grandson. He noticed he was holding a flower. Where did he get that?
"YES."
"I...did all this? I shaped the universe?"
"YOU DID."
"And...I did wrong?"
"YOU DID. THE POWER GOES TO ONE HUMAN EVERY TWO THOUSAND YEARS. LAST TIME IT WAS JESUS. HE DID SOME GOOD SHIT. YOU? YOU USED IT TO FORCE NINTENDO TO MAKE A NEW PAPER MARIO GAME. AND OTHER SHIT."
"I'm sorry," said the grandson, as the alien descended on him. "I'm so sorry."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR IT."
"I know."
_______________________________________________
Wacky woke up in his bed. He looked at the clock first, as always. 4:22 am. Was that all. He had been asleep a lifetime. A thousand years.
It had been real, not a dream, he told himself. It was all real. He could still feel the power. He could feel it in his body. IT WAS REAL. He controlled the universe. It was tingling through him.
Or was that a panic attack as he realised again what life was?
If it had been real, there would be an artefact. Like on tv. He'd be holding someting from his dream. That would prove it was all real. The flowers he had been presented. He'd have one of them. He put his light on. It hurt his eyes. But he knew he'd be holding a flower...
He was, of course, holding no flower.
He rolled onto his side and threw up on his bedroom floor. He turned the light back off.
When he woke again, he vaguely remembered having a dream about throwing up. Something to do with eating flowers...and looking for a hat...and Richard Dawkins...it didn't matter. It had been a dream. He had not thrown up.
He managed to pull himself out of bed a hour later, having forgotten almost everything of the dream. But he remembered throwng up when his foot felt wet as it touched the floor. He looked down at the vomit. He could make it disapper with his mind, he thought to himself.
He could, but the aliens would punish him. Best to just clean it up normally.
"A sea of humanity have shown up here tonight," says the man.
"That's right, well over a million people will witness Wacky's speech in person and of course the entire population of Earth will be watching on tv!" says the woman.
"And all of this in ONE YEAR!" says the man.
"He has changed the world with words in one years," says the woman, a tear in her eye. "I know I'm a journalist and I'm not supposed to say things like this, but I love Captain Wacky. I really do."
"We all do. We all do. Ever since the first thing of the day, one year ago, went viral, the world has loved Captain Wacky. And we have learned from him."
"Oh God yes, we've learned so much from his teachings. He's shown us how to live our lives in a bitter way, he's made the world the utopia it is today. And it's all thanks to thing of the day."
"Incredible to think about! And...oh look, some of the celebrities are arriving! There's Wacky's ex wife Natalie Portman with their baby son Aleph!"
"Isn't she looking beautiful tonight, and Aleph is a handsome young chap for sure!"
"Just like his father, haha! And of course Wacky's current wife Olivia Wilde will be there as well."
"That's right, he's joked that he could divorce her at any time and remarry Natalie!"
"And you can bet Natalie would be happy to do that and Olivia would step aside gracefully!"
"Wait, here comes Professor Richard Dawkins! Let's try to get a word with him..."
The reporters run over to Dawkins. It doesn't really matter which of the two is speaking now.
"Dawkins, hi!"
"Yes, umm, hi," says Dawkins.
"Let me ask you something, prof, is it true that Thing Of The Day has made you question your own atheism."
"Well, umm, look, yes that is somewhat true, but, umm, look...what I said was...I've always said there isn't a shred of evidence for the existence of God. That is why I'm an atheist. But then I started reading Thing Of The Day. And every day, with every thing, I asked myself how does CaptainWacky do this? How could these just be words? I couldn't work it out...why was the thing of the day effecting me so much? Why was it changing the world? Could it have been...touched by the devine? This was absurd, my rational mind new it. But for the first time, my spiritual side was being touched. I fnially understood what religious people felt. Of course I tried to rationalise it. It's all just a series of eleaborate memes. Thing Of The Day is the greatest work of literature in human history, but it IS just that, really great writing...yet how did the whole end up as greater than the sum of the parts? How could anyman construct this? Read alone, every thing of the day is genius, but reading every installment one day after the other...it is a map fo how to live. It is...it is...gosh, even now I can't put it in words. How DOES he do it? I almost don't want to continue my studies, don't want to understand the secrets. It would be like losing my faith."
"Yeah, that's great...hey look, Tomtrek's here!"
They run off to talk to Tomtrek.
_______________________________
CaptainWacky takes the stage. The million people in the massive centre drop into a hushed silence. He looksat them. Then smiles. They applaud.
"No, really, please...that's too much. I'm just like you. Just a man. One year ago, I was bored. I went to my favourite website and decided to write something. I had no idea what it would be...so I called it a thing of the day. It felt good, to pour my soul out through my keyboard. I did it again the next day. And the next. And people read. And...honestly, I didn't plan this...I made the world a better place. I know it's not arrogance to say that, it's just a fact. Every day the things just get better and better. I didn't stop. I didn't want to stop. It came to me so easily. Every day, a new thing, with no breaks, for one year. And now I'm here!"
The audience applaud like mad for five minutes.
"Yes, thanks you. But I'm not here for your applause. Well, not just your applause, haha. I'm here to announce something. I've made the world a pretty great place, yes. I've ended poverty and cured must diseases with my writings. I've written the most exhaustive, accurated listing of female celebrities ranked on hotness known to man. But I could do better. And my scientists are working on something better. We plan...I plan...to cure death itself. I'm going to make us all immortal!"
The audience weep openly at this.
"And now a reading from my new Johnny Nose novel!"
__________________________________
Johnny Nose was bored. He decided to set fire to a hat.
"I'LL FUCKING BURN A HAT!" he said.
He couldn't find a hat.
"WHERE'S A HAT?" he asked an old man. "WHERE'S A FUCKING HAT?"
"Son, I'm 87 years old, I could die at any minute. I'm not going to waste the time I have left helping you find a hat!" said the old man.
"I FUCKED YOUR GRANDAUGHTER!" said Johnny.
"No, you did not," said the old man, sighing.
"I FUCKED YOUR GRANDSON!" said Johnny. "NEED A HAT."
He ran and ran all around town, but he could not find a hat.
"NEED A HAT!" he screamed at the moon, for it was night now. "NEED A HAT."
But no hat came.
"Need a hat," he cried. "Need...a...hat."
No hat came.
____________________________________
The audience begin bowing down to Wacky, chanting "we're not worthy" after this reading. Girls present him with flowers.
"Oh, please," says Wacky, smiling. "You ARE worthy!"
The roof of the Captain Wacky Centre For Excellence is ripped off.
"Oh sht," says Wacky. A 400 foot tall alien looks in.
"CAPTAINWACKY," it says. "YOU WERE GRANTED OMNIPOTENCE BY THE UNIVERSAL CONSTRUCT. YOU HAVE SQUANDERED THAT GIFT."
"Come on, you gave me a...oh. You gave me a year," says Wacky, remebering.
"YOU WERE TO USE YOUR POWER FOR GOOD, NOT ALTER THE MINDS OF THESE POOR PEOPLE INTO WORSHIPPING YOU AS A CELEBRITY GOD," says the alien.
"I did use the power for good! I used the power to write really amazing things of the day! It just so happened that whenever anyone read them they were transformed into mindless worshippers! Is that so bad?"
"YES. YOU MADE POOR NATALIE PORTMAN AND OLIVIA WILDE MARRY YOU."
"I...they wanted to..."
"YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T."
"But...there's world peace..."
"AT THE COST OF FREEDOM. YOUR POWER SHALL BE TAKEN FROM YOU."
"No, NEVER! It's mine...I can't go back to what I was before. I can never go back. I'll use my powers...TO DESTROY YOU!"
And the fight begins.
_____________________________________________
One thousand years in the future, an old man is reading a story to his grandson.
"And that is how Captain Wacky defeated the representative of the universal construct and the utopia that has last one thousand and one years continued!" said the grandfather.
"But how did he get the power in the first place?" asked the grandson.
"Because he was worthy!" said the grandfather.
"Not just random chance?" asked the grandson.
"No! He deseved it!" said the grandfather.
That was when the sky went dark and the alien appeared again.
"YOU CANNOT HIDE HERE," it said. "WE SEE YOU IN HERE."
"I'll never go back!" said the grandfather.
"AND YOU CAN'T FOOL US WITH THAT MEATPUPPET! WE KNOW THE REAL WACKY IS IN THE GRANDSON, THAT HE STRIPPED MOST OF HIS MEMORIES AWAY TO SURVIVE, WE CAN SENSE THE SMALL PART THAT REMAINS."
"I'm...Wacky?" asked the grandson. He noticed he was holding a flower. Where did he get that?
"YES."
"I...did all this? I shaped the universe?"
"YOU DID."
"And...I did wrong?"
"YOU DID. THE POWER GOES TO ONE HUMAN EVERY TWO THOUSAND YEARS. LAST TIME IT WAS JESUS. HE DID SOME GOOD SHIT. YOU? YOU USED IT TO FORCE NINTENDO TO MAKE A NEW PAPER MARIO GAME. AND OTHER SHIT."
"I'm sorry," said the grandson, as the alien descended on him. "I'm so sorry."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR IT."
"I know."
_______________________________________________
Wacky woke up in his bed. He looked at the clock first, as always. 4:22 am. Was that all. He had been asleep a lifetime. A thousand years.
It had been real, not a dream, he told himself. It was all real. He could still feel the power. He could feel it in his body. IT WAS REAL. He controlled the universe. It was tingling through him.
Or was that a panic attack as he realised again what life was?
If it had been real, there would be an artefact. Like on tv. He'd be holding someting from his dream. That would prove it was all real. The flowers he had been presented. He'd have one of them. He put his light on. It hurt his eyes. But he knew he'd be holding a flower...
He was, of course, holding no flower.
He rolled onto his side and threw up on his bedroom floor. He turned the light back off.
When he woke again, he vaguely remembered having a dream about throwing up. Something to do with eating flowers...and looking for a hat...and Richard Dawkins...it didn't matter. It had been a dream. He had not thrown up.
He managed to pull himself out of bed a hour later, having forgotten almost everything of the dream. But he remembered throwng up when his foot felt wet as it touched the floor. He looked down at the vomit. He could make it disapper with his mind, he thought to himself.
He could, but the aliens would punish him. Best to just clean it up normally.
