CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Working as a male prositute in France wasn't easy, partly due to the giant horse-shaped robots the French used to hunt down and kill prositutes but mainly due to the competition from sexy female french prostitutes, each sexier than the last. As every woman in France was bisexual and prefered sleeping with the sex female prostitutes than me (hey, I would have too!) I instead focused my attention on the male homosexual market.
I had never given homosexuality much thought, always assuming I was simply a strictly hetero individual, but as I approached my sixteenth birthday I tried to imagine a man, naked, his penis standing erect and me, my mouth open, about to drink a can of moop cola. The imagine frightened me. Imagine what it would have been like if I had imagined sucking his cock! But I needed the money desperately as the french had begun shooting anyone who couldn't afford a bap (they would come to you disguised as a bap salesman and offer you a bap at a standard price and, if you refused it, gun you down and spit on your corpse) so I met my first "John" (his name was actually COLONEL FROST and he was quite mad) and prepared to "sex him good" as they say in the business.
I ended up vomitting on his shoes. It wasn't the sight of him naked, we didn't get that far. No, it was his teeth. When he opened his mouth and began licking his lips slowly and insanely the sight of his teeth sent me into a fit of panic. The vomit completely enveloped his shoes, but he shrugged and said "let's just have sex anyway, I was in a war, man." Still the thought of his teeth filled me with dread so I kicked him in the gut and ran off into the night.
Luckily I found myself at the home of France's number one hypnotherapist JIMMY GEE and he offered to regress me to a past life in order to face my fear of teeth free of charge! I later found out this was because he had been disgraced after regressing a sexy french super model to the age of six then honking her breasts and running about the room saying "HONK HONK, I'M A CAR!" It turned out he had earlier regressed HIMSELF to the age of six but the charges of paexophilia still stood and he was disgraced and all his hypnotherapy medals were taken from him and some cows were sent into his garden to eat his prize radishes.
Jimmy regressed me to a time when I was a blind court jester to queen Elizabeth the first, but this couldn't have been the life I needed as, being blind, I couldn't see any teeth! I did learn from Elizabeth (a terrible bigot who believed me to be unable of rational thought as I was blind) that was actually WAS a lizard woman from planet Nose after all.
The next past life he sent me to was that of a knight in King Arthurs court who bravely slayed a dragon by running away from it really fast, tripping over, and letting the dragon trample him to death. On waking I forgot all about my fear of teeth and suddenly felt all brave and decided to join the french army in order to participate in the liberation of Britain from the Pig Monsters.
After completely basic training in eight minutes (it invovled a drunken clown throwing baps at me) I learned that Britain had not, in fact, been conquered by the pig monsters and that the pig monsters didn't even exist! Apparently they had just been "a cople of kids in Scooby Doo masks they had dyed pink for some reason who had been running about going oink" according to my new best friend FRENCHY FRANK and instead of being sent back to Blighty I was instead sent to Australia to help kill pretty Australian girls who had been stealing toast from the French ambassador. I was a triffle miffed.
I had never given homosexuality much thought, always assuming I was simply a strictly hetero individual, but as I approached my sixteenth birthday I tried to imagine a man, naked, his penis standing erect and me, my mouth open, about to drink a can of moop cola. The imagine frightened me. Imagine what it would have been like if I had imagined sucking his cock! But I needed the money desperately as the french had begun shooting anyone who couldn't afford a bap (they would come to you disguised as a bap salesman and offer you a bap at a standard price and, if you refused it, gun you down and spit on your corpse) so I met my first "John" (his name was actually COLONEL FROST and he was quite mad) and prepared to "sex him good" as they say in the business.
I ended up vomitting on his shoes. It wasn't the sight of him naked, we didn't get that far. No, it was his teeth. When he opened his mouth and began licking his lips slowly and insanely the sight of his teeth sent me into a fit of panic. The vomit completely enveloped his shoes, but he shrugged and said "let's just have sex anyway, I was in a war, man." Still the thought of his teeth filled me with dread so I kicked him in the gut and ran off into the night.
Luckily I found myself at the home of France's number one hypnotherapist JIMMY GEE and he offered to regress me to a past life in order to face my fear of teeth free of charge! I later found out this was because he had been disgraced after regressing a sexy french super model to the age of six then honking her breasts and running about the room saying "HONK HONK, I'M A CAR!" It turned out he had earlier regressed HIMSELF to the age of six but the charges of paexophilia still stood and he was disgraced and all his hypnotherapy medals were taken from him and some cows were sent into his garden to eat his prize radishes.
Jimmy regressed me to a time when I was a blind court jester to queen Elizabeth the first, but this couldn't have been the life I needed as, being blind, I couldn't see any teeth! I did learn from Elizabeth (a terrible bigot who believed me to be unable of rational thought as I was blind) that was actually WAS a lizard woman from planet Nose after all.
The next past life he sent me to was that of a knight in King Arthurs court who bravely slayed a dragon by running away from it really fast, tripping over, and letting the dragon trample him to death. On waking I forgot all about my fear of teeth and suddenly felt all brave and decided to join the french army in order to participate in the liberation of Britain from the Pig Monsters.
After completely basic training in eight minutes (it invovled a drunken clown throwing baps at me) I learned that Britain had not, in fact, been conquered by the pig monsters and that the pig monsters didn't even exist! Apparently they had just been "a cople of kids in Scooby Doo masks they had dyed pink for some reason who had been running about going oink" according to my new best friend FRENCHY FRANK and instead of being sent back to Blighty I was instead sent to Australia to help kill pretty Australian girls who had been stealing toast from the French ambassador. I was a triffle miffed.