CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
On arriving in Australia I was struck by the number of kangaroos. There was one in every street corner and at first I thought they may have been prostitutes in disguise (I was still paranoid about this 'tutes, man!) but after being punched in the face by one and kicked in the gut by twelve I was suitably convincced that they were kangaroos. I then began my search for the pretty girl I had been sent to kill by walking into a bar and saying "g'day, mates, any of you GEEZERS seen a pretty girl, meep?" which I believed to be authentic Australian lingo. I was corrected by the barman who threw me out the window. Luckily the window was opened so it wans't like I went crashing through the glass or anything! Unluckily I landed on a sheet of glass which two small children were transportig outside at the time (they later admitted they had stolen it from a "prawn shop" and were going to use it to "scare some aboriginal, somehow, they probably don't know what glass is, the primatives!" It was at this time I also learned the Australians are highly racist) and ended up in a coma.
Six months later I woke to discover the pretty girl I had been sent to kill standing over me in a nurse's uniform and greeting me with the words "hello, I am your nurse." I didn't know quite what to make of this but later I deduced that she was my nurse! I instantly fell in love with her, of course, as she was more beutiful than ten Eva Brauns and decided to seduce her into my hospital bed then kill here there. Because I had to kill her, of course!
Eight minutes later I was on top of her about to commit sexual acts on her person when she said "hey, wouldn't it be hot if you handcuffed me to the bed, man?" So I did. Then she said "hey, wouldn't it be hot if you brutally stabbed me to death, man?" Looking back it was a stranged question. But as I held the knife in my hand, I realised I just coulnd't do it and I threw it out the window (where it stabbed a 87 year old man in the left kidney. And, ironically, he was in for surgery on his RIGHT kidney! He died in agony.) We then made sexual love.
I enjoyed the sex, though for some reason I kept thinking about David Bowie during it. And he wasn't even famous yet!
We had a whirlwind romance, skipping around Australia, having sex in various places. We even had sex inside a kangaroo's pouch once and, unlike what those lying nature shows would have you believe, it was very comfortable. But the next morning when we woke up we found that the kangaroo had taken its head off and was actually a french army soldier in disguise. He said "I'm not really a kangaroo and this whole thing has been a shame!" This was the first vague sign that something wasn't right.
He explained that we weren't really in Australia but a "french warehouse" (I sniggered thinking he said "whorehosue" and he kicked me in the gut) and the whole scenario had been a final test to see if I was worthy of being in the french army. The final part of the test was to see if I would really kill the pretty girl I was now in love with and by failing to kill her I had FAILED the test and was kicked out the french army! I hadn't even really been in the coma for six months (it had only been five and a half months!) To add further insult to injury he told me that Britain really had been invaded by pig monsters and millions of innocent people had died but I wouldn't be able to take part in the liberation of my homeland. I pointed out that if there really was in invasion by pig monsters then surely it was a huge waste of resources to recreate Australia in such elaborate detail just to test me and hire the hundreds of actors I had interacted with, but he just kind of snorted and shuffled off looking at his shoes.
I turned to my girl and said that at least we still had our love but she explained that she was an actor too and wasn't even Australian (she was an Eskimo, which I really should have noticed.) She explained that she had been wearing fake stab-proof breasts when she gave me the knife but she really had fallen in love with me, ironically enough, and wanted to stay with me. I asked to see her without the fake breasts first. It turned out her real breasts were just made out of lego. She mumbled something about a "terrible accident" but I didn't want to hear it and walked off into the night eating a bap, swearing to myself never to fall in love again.
Six months later I woke to discover the pretty girl I had been sent to kill standing over me in a nurse's uniform and greeting me with the words "hello, I am your nurse." I didn't know quite what to make of this but later I deduced that she was my nurse! I instantly fell in love with her, of course, as she was more beutiful than ten Eva Brauns and decided to seduce her into my hospital bed then kill here there. Because I had to kill her, of course!
Eight minutes later I was on top of her about to commit sexual acts on her person when she said "hey, wouldn't it be hot if you handcuffed me to the bed, man?" So I did. Then she said "hey, wouldn't it be hot if you brutally stabbed me to death, man?" Looking back it was a stranged question. But as I held the knife in my hand, I realised I just coulnd't do it and I threw it out the window (where it stabbed a 87 year old man in the left kidney. And, ironically, he was in for surgery on his RIGHT kidney! He died in agony.) We then made sexual love.
I enjoyed the sex, though for some reason I kept thinking about David Bowie during it. And he wasn't even famous yet!
We had a whirlwind romance, skipping around Australia, having sex in various places. We even had sex inside a kangaroo's pouch once and, unlike what those lying nature shows would have you believe, it was very comfortable. But the next morning when we woke up we found that the kangaroo had taken its head off and was actually a french army soldier in disguise. He said "I'm not really a kangaroo and this whole thing has been a shame!" This was the first vague sign that something wasn't right.
He explained that we weren't really in Australia but a "french warehouse" (I sniggered thinking he said "whorehosue" and he kicked me in the gut) and the whole scenario had been a final test to see if I was worthy of being in the french army. The final part of the test was to see if I would really kill the pretty girl I was now in love with and by failing to kill her I had FAILED the test and was kicked out the french army! I hadn't even really been in the coma for six months (it had only been five and a half months!) To add further insult to injury he told me that Britain really had been invaded by pig monsters and millions of innocent people had died but I wouldn't be able to take part in the liberation of my homeland. I pointed out that if there really was in invasion by pig monsters then surely it was a huge waste of resources to recreate Australia in such elaborate detail just to test me and hire the hundreds of actors I had interacted with, but he just kind of snorted and shuffled off looking at his shoes.
I turned to my girl and said that at least we still had our love but she explained that she was an actor too and wasn't even Australian (she was an Eskimo, which I really should have noticed.) She explained that she had been wearing fake stab-proof breasts when she gave me the knife but she really had fallen in love with me, ironically enough, and wanted to stay with me. I asked to see her without the fake breasts first. It turned out her real breasts were just made out of lego. She mumbled something about a "terrible accident" but I didn't want to hear it and walked off into the night eating a bap, swearing to myself never to fall in love again.