CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Ink-eyed Demi Lovato had just punched her fist into Russell Brand's chest. Everyone stood in shock. She moved her hand around inside his chest.
"Wait, where is it?" asked Demi, confused. She pulled her hand out. Instead of holding Russell Brand's heart, her hand held...nothing. She looked confused.
"NOW!" said Kristen Stewart. The remaining lesbian ninjas flew into action, hitting Demi with a series of kicks, staggering her. Taylor Swift then shot Demi with the alien deathray.
"I set it on stun...I think," said Taylor. She turned to Russell. "How the hell did you survive that? Why did she not pull your heart out?"
"Because I have no heart," said Russell, sadly.
"Do you mean that literally or figuratively?" asked the robot. "I am curious about human idioms."
"Both, mate," said Russell. He sighed. It was obviously a subject he was reluctant to discuss. "When Katy Perry left me I lost my heart. Literally. 'ad it removed. Thought I wouldn't be needing it no more. Yet it still beats, in its box on the moon, and I still live. I don't know how it works. I don't know why this cruel joke of a life continues."
"So while your heart still beats on the moon, you can't be killed...interesting," said Taylor. She'd become used to thinking up battle strategies.
"My ninjas," said Kristen. "All those who had been squid-converted passed out when Demi was shot. At least, I think they are passed out...it's hard to tell with ninjas."
"They are infected, they should be killed," said the robot.
"No!" said Taylor.
"If you want to be a general, you must be ruthless," said the robot. Taylor hated him for it, but she knew he was right.
"I'll lock them up," said Kristen. "But this hurts us. How can we defeat Squidonna alone?"
"The moutain," said Russel, staring out the window of the spacehsip. "It's grown larger."
"How can you see it from here?" asked Taylor, shocked. It was thousands of miles away...and yet she could see it too. It had grown so large it was somehow visible. "But the curve of the Earth..."
"The mountain defies logic," said the robot. "Once it was so large that all of Earth was at its foot."
"And you thought you could make a deal with this squid god," said Taylor, shaking her head.
"I...I was a fool," said the robot. "I just loved humanity so much that I was willing to do anything to help it survive...anything."
"Hang on, if you can time travel, why don't you just travel back and stop yourself raising the Squid God?" asked Russell.
"That's the smartest thing you've ever said!" said Taylor.
"Me dinkle's getting all 'ard now!" said Brand.
"My time travel was a one time only deal," said the robot. "But you ask for a way to defeat the Squidonna. There is still a way. It will require...sacrifice."
"What is it?" asked Taylor. "I'm willing to sacrifice my own life. Whatever it takes."
"This spaceship's warp core," said the robot. "If it were to explode right on the Squidonna, the explosion would kill her. This ship can bend time and space itself. It is more powerful than any of you know."
"And let me guess," said Taylor. "Someone would need to fly the ship on a suicide run for this to work."
The robot nodded.
"Well," said Taylor. "I guess I know my fate."
"No!" said a voice. "You can't sacrifice yourself...Goddess." Everyone serached for where the voice had come from. Then they found the source.
It had come from Taylor's cat Olivia Benson.
"Wait, where is it?" asked Demi, confused. She pulled her hand out. Instead of holding Russell Brand's heart, her hand held...nothing. She looked confused.
"NOW!" said Kristen Stewart. The remaining lesbian ninjas flew into action, hitting Demi with a series of kicks, staggering her. Taylor Swift then shot Demi with the alien deathray.
"I set it on stun...I think," said Taylor. She turned to Russell. "How the hell did you survive that? Why did she not pull your heart out?"
"Because I have no heart," said Russell, sadly.
"Do you mean that literally or figuratively?" asked the robot. "I am curious about human idioms."
"Both, mate," said Russell. He sighed. It was obviously a subject he was reluctant to discuss. "When Katy Perry left me I lost my heart. Literally. 'ad it removed. Thought I wouldn't be needing it no more. Yet it still beats, in its box on the moon, and I still live. I don't know how it works. I don't know why this cruel joke of a life continues."
"So while your heart still beats on the moon, you can't be killed...interesting," said Taylor. She'd become used to thinking up battle strategies.
"My ninjas," said Kristen. "All those who had been squid-converted passed out when Demi was shot. At least, I think they are passed out...it's hard to tell with ninjas."
"They are infected, they should be killed," said the robot.
"No!" said Taylor.
"If you want to be a general, you must be ruthless," said the robot. Taylor hated him for it, but she knew he was right.
"I'll lock them up," said Kristen. "But this hurts us. How can we defeat Squidonna alone?"
"The moutain," said Russel, staring out the window of the spacehsip. "It's grown larger."
"How can you see it from here?" asked Taylor, shocked. It was thousands of miles away...and yet she could see it too. It had grown so large it was somehow visible. "But the curve of the Earth..."
"The mountain defies logic," said the robot. "Once it was so large that all of Earth was at its foot."
"And you thought you could make a deal with this squid god," said Taylor, shaking her head.
"I...I was a fool," said the robot. "I just loved humanity so much that I was willing to do anything to help it survive...anything."
"Hang on, if you can time travel, why don't you just travel back and stop yourself raising the Squid God?" asked Russell.
"That's the smartest thing you've ever said!" said Taylor.
"Me dinkle's getting all 'ard now!" said Brand.
"My time travel was a one time only deal," said the robot. "But you ask for a way to defeat the Squidonna. There is still a way. It will require...sacrifice."
"What is it?" asked Taylor. "I'm willing to sacrifice my own life. Whatever it takes."
"This spaceship's warp core," said the robot. "If it were to explode right on the Squidonna, the explosion would kill her. This ship can bend time and space itself. It is more powerful than any of you know."
"And let me guess," said Taylor. "Someone would need to fly the ship on a suicide run for this to work."
The robot nodded.
"Well," said Taylor. "I guess I know my fate."
"No!" said a voice. "You can't sacrifice yourself...Goddess." Everyone serached for where the voice had come from. Then they found the source.
It had come from Taylor's cat Olivia Benson.