CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Professor did not look back. He ran frantically through the woods. At first, anyway. It's actually hard to run through woods, what with all the trees. He tripped over some roots first. He tried to start running again and a branch hit his face. He gave up, panting for air. Evenutally he dragged himself up, noticing blood coming from his nose as he did. He walked as fast as he could instead. He couldn't hear them anymore, the robot and the Squid wife warring. Maybe he was free of them. Maybe they'd give up on him, both of them. They didn't really need him if they killed each other.
He remembered the paradox but he didn't care about that right now. The Squid God and the Robot couldn't be trusted anyway.
And if the universe ended, so what? He had nothing left to live for.
"Don't despair, Professor," came a woman's voice. Oh God what now. It wansn't his wife's voice, but it was oddly familiar. The Professor could see a figure behind a tree. Was it some minion of the Squid God or the robot? He didn't have the energy to run away.
"Who are you?" he asked. The woman stepped through the tree. She was...a hologram? That made about as much sense as anything that had happened lately. Hologram or not, she was beautiful. Almost other-worldly.
She was Taylor Swift.
"Shake it off," she said.
"What?" he asked.
"You've got loads of shit all over you from falling all over the woods," she explained. "Shake it off." He did so.
"Why are you here?" he asked. "And how?"
"I'll tell you how first: technology. Had my lab boys, AND GIRLS, SOME ARE GIRLS, whip up this holo-communicator for me. I'm actually in my castle right now. Pretty cool, huh?"
"Then why?" he asked. "What do you want from me?" He couldn't be fooled by her beautiful exterior.
"I want to help you," she said, sounding sincere.
"Liar!" he made himself spit out. "You're a monster just like the Squid God, just like my robot. You rule a quarter of the world! You're a...a dictator! You just want my help to kill them so that you can rule the planet yourself."
"I understand why you'd feel that way," she said, looking sad. "I know those who do not live in my Queendom can't understand what I do there..."
"I've heard people have to be sacrificed to you so you can keep your powers!" he said. "That you have sick sexual orgies with hundreds of people at once then bathe in their blood!"
"Not true," she said. "I indulge in orgies, yes, but I never kill anyone. Not intentionally anyway. Sometimes they die of happiness. Can't be helped, they know it's a risk. As for bathing in their blood? Eww! Olivia Benson would not like that!"
"Your cat..." he said. How could she be evil if she loved her cat?
"Your robot wants to kill all organic life on Earth. The Squid God wants to turn them into slaves, turn the Earth into a death engine and conquer the galaxy. I'm not like them."
He thought about this for a moment. "Maybe that's true. Maybe you're not as bad as them. Maybe you think you're good. But...you're still a dictator. Your power comes from the Squid God. You must be like him a little."
"Maybe a little," she said, sadly. "And I can't help that. All I can do is be the best Taylor Swift I can. Try to make the world a better place. That's what I do for my subjects. I try to make their lives better. They're free, Professor, not slaves like the Squid God would make them."
"Then why has no one ever left your Queendom?" he said. It was true. One of the reasons so little was known of Taylor Swift's quarter of the world was because no one to enter it had ever left.
"Because nobody's ever wanted to," she shrugged. "It is an Earthly paradise. You could join me there..."
"Don't...don't try to tempt me!" he said. She didn't really need to try. Of course he was tempted. She was Taylor Fucking Swift. "You just want to use me like they do. I've spent thirty six years as a slave...my wife...she...he violated her...I don't know which of them I hate more..."
"You have to move," she said. "My scientists are telling me the Squid God has destroyed the robot and he's coming for you. Quick. I'll call in an air strike, but you need to get out of range. Get to the edge of the trees, Professor. MOVE."
He thought of just waiting for her air strike to come and ending it all. But then, inevitably, the Professor began to run through the woods once more.
He remembered the paradox but he didn't care about that right now. The Squid God and the Robot couldn't be trusted anyway.
And if the universe ended, so what? He had nothing left to live for.
"Don't despair, Professor," came a woman's voice. Oh God what now. It wansn't his wife's voice, but it was oddly familiar. The Professor could see a figure behind a tree. Was it some minion of the Squid God or the robot? He didn't have the energy to run away.
"Who are you?" he asked. The woman stepped through the tree. She was...a hologram? That made about as much sense as anything that had happened lately. Hologram or not, she was beautiful. Almost other-worldly.
She was Taylor Swift.
"Shake it off," she said.
"What?" he asked.
"You've got loads of shit all over you from falling all over the woods," she explained. "Shake it off." He did so.
"Why are you here?" he asked. "And how?"
"I'll tell you how first: technology. Had my lab boys, AND GIRLS, SOME ARE GIRLS, whip up this holo-communicator for me. I'm actually in my castle right now. Pretty cool, huh?"
"Then why?" he asked. "What do you want from me?" He couldn't be fooled by her beautiful exterior.
"I want to help you," she said, sounding sincere.
"Liar!" he made himself spit out. "You're a monster just like the Squid God, just like my robot. You rule a quarter of the world! You're a...a dictator! You just want my help to kill them so that you can rule the planet yourself."
"I understand why you'd feel that way," she said, looking sad. "I know those who do not live in my Queendom can't understand what I do there..."
"I've heard people have to be sacrificed to you so you can keep your powers!" he said. "That you have sick sexual orgies with hundreds of people at once then bathe in their blood!"
"Not true," she said. "I indulge in orgies, yes, but I never kill anyone. Not intentionally anyway. Sometimes they die of happiness. Can't be helped, they know it's a risk. As for bathing in their blood? Eww! Olivia Benson would not like that!"
"Your cat..." he said. How could she be evil if she loved her cat?
"Your robot wants to kill all organic life on Earth. The Squid God wants to turn them into slaves, turn the Earth into a death engine and conquer the galaxy. I'm not like them."
He thought about this for a moment. "Maybe that's true. Maybe you're not as bad as them. Maybe you think you're good. But...you're still a dictator. Your power comes from the Squid God. You must be like him a little."
"Maybe a little," she said, sadly. "And I can't help that. All I can do is be the best Taylor Swift I can. Try to make the world a better place. That's what I do for my subjects. I try to make their lives better. They're free, Professor, not slaves like the Squid God would make them."
"Then why has no one ever left your Queendom?" he said. It was true. One of the reasons so little was known of Taylor Swift's quarter of the world was because no one to enter it had ever left.
"Because nobody's ever wanted to," she shrugged. "It is an Earthly paradise. You could join me there..."
"Don't...don't try to tempt me!" he said. She didn't really need to try. Of course he was tempted. She was Taylor Fucking Swift. "You just want to use me like they do. I've spent thirty six years as a slave...my wife...she...he violated her...I don't know which of them I hate more..."
"You have to move," she said. "My scientists are telling me the Squid God has destroyed the robot and he's coming for you. Quick. I'll call in an air strike, but you need to get out of range. Get to the edge of the trees, Professor. MOVE."
He thought of just waiting for her air strike to come and ending it all. But then, inevitably, the Professor began to run through the woods once more.
