CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
BEES
A PLAY
BY CAPTAINWACKY
_______________________________
(A man walks onto the stage. His face has no character. He makes very few facial expressions. You get the feleling that he wouldn't be able to, even if he felt the emotions.)
Man: Bees.
(He stands in silence for a minute, then yawns.)
Man: Bees.
(He stands in silence for about forty seconds this time, then yawns.)
Man: That's right, bees. Thought about it yet?
(He stands in silence for another thirty seconds.)
Man: Bees.
(Silence for twenty seconds.)
Man: They are impossible. Look at them. Bees. So small and yet so complex. Buzzing around. Look at how they live. In hives. Made out of honey. I think. Umm, I don't know. I didn't look them up on wiki pedia or anything. I just walked on here and started talking about them. Bees. I'm really too lazy to look things up. It hurts. The Universe hurts me. It's all wrong. Bees. Drones. Queens. They live in honey. How is that possible? Isn't honey wet? Yet beehives are solid? How does that work? Unbelievable. Or should I say unBEEliavable?
(He pauses for laughs.)
Man: Bees. Think about evolution. Everything to do with bees came from evolution, they say. The buzzing. The stripes. The queen. Let's look at the queen. What the fuck? How could that evolve? How could a queen bee evolve? How did evolution know she was the queen? How did the bees all collectively decide to have queens? How did evolution decided? IT MAKES NO SENSE. BEES MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE, ARGH.
(He starts punching himself in the face.)
Man: Bees. Honey. We eat honey. They live in honey. That cannot be a coincidence. But how did evolution know honey is so tastey? THEY POLLENATE THE FLOWERS. AND MAKE HONEY. WITH THE FLOWER BITS. I THINK. BEES. THEY AREN'T REAL. GOD AND JESUS MUST HAVE MADE THEM. BEES!
(A cute girl walks on stage. She should look about 18 years old. She has a very expressive face. It usually expresses sarcasm.)
Girl: Just look them up on wiki, you lazy oxygen thief. Bees make perfect sense.
Man: GOD YOU'RE SEXY. OH MY FUCKING GOD I'D HUMP YOU RIGHT NOW IF I COULD MAINTAIN AN ERECTION.
Girl: I'm only fourteen you sick fuck!
(She slaps him, hard, then puts a jar of honey down on the stage and walks off. The man stands there. He screw his eyes, trying to cry, but nothing comes. He punches himself some more. His face doesn't change much.)
Man: Bitch. Bees. Bitch. Bees. Bitch. Bees. BITCH. FUCKING KILL HER. STING HER TO DEATH. HAHAHAHA! HONEY! HONEY FOR MY TUMMY! HONEY FOR MY DICKY!
(He pulls his pants down, revealing a moderate erection. Then he opens the jar of honey and stick his dick inside. He starts smearing the honey on his dick.)
Man: BEES, BEES, GIRL, GIRL.
(He throws the jar into the audience.)
Man: WANK, WANK, WANK OVER THE GIRL...or am I just wanking over the IDEA of the girl? Or over the bees?
(There is a loud buzzing noise.)
Man: NO, DON'T YOU RUIN THIS...BEES! FUCKNIG WANK IT ANYWAY.
(He starts wanking, furiously, using the honey as lube. His erection will not stay.)
Man: STAY, STAY, DON'T BE SCARED!
(The buzzing gets even louder.)
Man: BEES!
(He runs off the stage. The curtain drops abruptly.)
FIN
A PLAY
BY CAPTAINWACKY
_______________________________
(A man walks onto the stage. His face has no character. He makes very few facial expressions. You get the feleling that he wouldn't be able to, even if he felt the emotions.)
Man: Bees.
(He stands in silence for a minute, then yawns.)
Man: Bees.
(He stands in silence for about forty seconds this time, then yawns.)
Man: That's right, bees. Thought about it yet?
(He stands in silence for another thirty seconds.)
Man: Bees.
(Silence for twenty seconds.)
Man: They are impossible. Look at them. Bees. So small and yet so complex. Buzzing around. Look at how they live. In hives. Made out of honey. I think. Umm, I don't know. I didn't look them up on wiki pedia or anything. I just walked on here and started talking about them. Bees. I'm really too lazy to look things up. It hurts. The Universe hurts me. It's all wrong. Bees. Drones. Queens. They live in honey. How is that possible? Isn't honey wet? Yet beehives are solid? How does that work? Unbelievable. Or should I say unBEEliavable?
(He pauses for laughs.)
Man: Bees. Think about evolution. Everything to do with bees came from evolution, they say. The buzzing. The stripes. The queen. Let's look at the queen. What the fuck? How could that evolve? How could a queen bee evolve? How did evolution know she was the queen? How did the bees all collectively decide to have queens? How did evolution decided? IT MAKES NO SENSE. BEES MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE, ARGH.
(He starts punching himself in the face.)
Man: Bees. Honey. We eat honey. They live in honey. That cannot be a coincidence. But how did evolution know honey is so tastey? THEY POLLENATE THE FLOWERS. AND MAKE HONEY. WITH THE FLOWER BITS. I THINK. BEES. THEY AREN'T REAL. GOD AND JESUS MUST HAVE MADE THEM. BEES!
(A cute girl walks on stage. She should look about 18 years old. She has a very expressive face. It usually expresses sarcasm.)
Girl: Just look them up on wiki, you lazy oxygen thief. Bees make perfect sense.
Man: GOD YOU'RE SEXY. OH MY FUCKING GOD I'D HUMP YOU RIGHT NOW IF I COULD MAINTAIN AN ERECTION.
Girl: I'm only fourteen you sick fuck!
(She slaps him, hard, then puts a jar of honey down on the stage and walks off. The man stands there. He screw his eyes, trying to cry, but nothing comes. He punches himself some more. His face doesn't change much.)
Man: Bitch. Bees. Bitch. Bees. Bitch. Bees. BITCH. FUCKING KILL HER. STING HER TO DEATH. HAHAHAHA! HONEY! HONEY FOR MY TUMMY! HONEY FOR MY DICKY!
(He pulls his pants down, revealing a moderate erection. Then he opens the jar of honey and stick his dick inside. He starts smearing the honey on his dick.)
Man: BEES, BEES, GIRL, GIRL.
(He throws the jar into the audience.)
Man: WANK, WANK, WANK OVER THE GIRL...or am I just wanking over the IDEA of the girl? Or over the bees?
(There is a loud buzzing noise.)
Man: NO, DON'T YOU RUIN THIS...BEES! FUCKNIG WANK IT ANYWAY.
(He starts wanking, furiously, using the honey as lube. His erection will not stay.)
Man: STAY, STAY, DON'T BE SCARED!
(The buzzing gets even louder.)
Man: BEES!
(He runs off the stage. The curtain drops abruptly.)
FIN
