CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Tom Bombadil's enchanted jet plane flew him, Gandalf, Aragorn, Eomer, Eowyn and a whole bunch of random soldiers to the North of Middle Earth, the mountains of the trolls.
"Can we stop in Rivendell?" asked Aragorn. "I want to see how Arwen is."
"Probably dead, get over it," said Tom.
"We were supposed to get married..." said Aragorn.
"Tough titty," said Old Tom, bluntly. "She's fucking dead the bitch. Meme orcs spammed the fuck out of Rivendell. Even Elrond will have been lucky to escape."
Aragorn looked down at his feet in sadness.
"What happened to you, Tom?" asked Gandalf. "You used to be so mellow and care free."
"Before those spam shits fucked my Goldberry," he said. "All she does now is sit in a pool of lilies repeating 'fuck limes' over and over. SO DON'T TELL ME TO BE CALMN AND MELLOW, YOU NAMBY PAMPY LIBERAL SHITFACE."
"We've all lost people," said Gandalf, thinking of Frodo.
"My Faramir was spammed down by the Witch King just as I told him I loved him," said Eowyn, sadly.
"Good, he was a poof," said Tom.
"Don't speak to my sister that way!" said Eomer.
"Fuck you, horseboy," said Tom.
"We're here," said Aragorn, standing up. "And there's trolls to meet us."
"I'll do the talking," said Tom, barging past. "HELLO TROLLS," he said, as soon as he got outside.
"What do you want, nature bastard?" asked a troll.
"The evil presence has taken over all the internet again," said Tom.
"That's a shame!" laughed a troll. "We win!"
"No," said Tom. "How can you troll if everyone is the same, if everyone is unfeelling slaves to memes?"
"My God, you're right!" said the troll. "We won't be able to hurt anyone if they can't feel!"
"There will be no newbie scum," said another. "Everyone will be the same."
"Exactly," said Tom. "JOIN US. We can bring back the old internet, the old way!"
"Can we kill some babies along the way?" asked a troll.
"Sure," said Tom.
"Wait just a minute!" said Gandalf.
"Yeah, I didn't sign up for baby death!" said Aragorn.
Tom calmly turned around and shot them both.
_________________________________-
FANC'T FTHINGK
cANT' FOROM OPININS
can't be a part of anything
no just not hunma
you can't expect me to do human things
JUST OND'T
NEED A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED COMPUTER DESIGNED TO UNDERSTNAD ME
then maybe
I'm not lazy
I'm just not THIS
so you can't expect me to do things
what would happen if I did?
it would go wrong
I'd feel nothing
I'd just fucking die
of course I will anyway
BUT MAYBE I'LL FIND MY SUPER SECRET SPECIAL DESTINY LOL
"Can we stop in Rivendell?" asked Aragorn. "I want to see how Arwen is."
"Probably dead, get over it," said Tom.
"We were supposed to get married..." said Aragorn.
"Tough titty," said Old Tom, bluntly. "She's fucking dead the bitch. Meme orcs spammed the fuck out of Rivendell. Even Elrond will have been lucky to escape."
Aragorn looked down at his feet in sadness.
"What happened to you, Tom?" asked Gandalf. "You used to be so mellow and care free."
"Before those spam shits fucked my Goldberry," he said. "All she does now is sit in a pool of lilies repeating 'fuck limes' over and over. SO DON'T TELL ME TO BE CALMN AND MELLOW, YOU NAMBY PAMPY LIBERAL SHITFACE."
"We've all lost people," said Gandalf, thinking of Frodo.
"My Faramir was spammed down by the Witch King just as I told him I loved him," said Eowyn, sadly.
"Good, he was a poof," said Tom.
"Don't speak to my sister that way!" said Eomer.
"Fuck you, horseboy," said Tom.
"We're here," said Aragorn, standing up. "And there's trolls to meet us."
"I'll do the talking," said Tom, barging past. "HELLO TROLLS," he said, as soon as he got outside.
"What do you want, nature bastard?" asked a troll.
"The evil presence has taken over all the internet again," said Tom.
"That's a shame!" laughed a troll. "We win!"
"No," said Tom. "How can you troll if everyone is the same, if everyone is unfeelling slaves to memes?"
"My God, you're right!" said the troll. "We won't be able to hurt anyone if they can't feel!"
"There will be no newbie scum," said another. "Everyone will be the same."
"Exactly," said Tom. "JOIN US. We can bring back the old internet, the old way!"
"Can we kill some babies along the way?" asked a troll.
"Sure," said Tom.
"Wait just a minute!" said Gandalf.
"Yeah, I didn't sign up for baby death!" said Aragorn.
Tom calmly turned around and shot them both.
_________________________________-
FANC'T FTHINGK
cANT' FOROM OPININS
can't be a part of anything
no just not hunma
you can't expect me to do human things
JUST OND'T
NEED A HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED COMPUTER DESIGNED TO UNDERSTNAD ME
then maybe
I'm not lazy
I'm just not THIS
so you can't expect me to do things
what would happen if I did?
it would go wrong
I'd feel nothing
I'd just fucking die
of course I will anyway
BUT MAYBE I'LL FIND MY SUPER SECRET SPECIAL DESTINY LOL
