CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(A TEN YEAR OLD BOY is running down a dark alley, stumbling about, scared.)
Boy: Please...please don't hurt me...I'm sorry, I'll be good...PLEASE!
(Tears run down his face. He makes one final bid for freedom, but hits a dead end.)
Boy: No...no...don't kill me! Please, you big monsters, don't kill me!
(Three dark figures stand over him. PAN UP to reveal...Captain Jack, Xianto and Gwen!)
Jack: You need to die.
Boy: No. NO! RRRRRARGH!
(His FACE turns into the FACE of a DEMON'S FACE. Bet you didn't see that coming! He lunges forward but JACK and GWEN shoot him to death with GUNS. Xianto tries to shoot as well but his gun doesn't work. Jack keeps shooting and shooting even though the boy is already dead.)
Gwen: I think you got him!
Jack: I just haven't been the same...not since that incident with the KLAPPY DUCKS.
(Ominous music plays.)
Xianto: At least you got to shoot! My gun didn't fire!
Gwen: Hehe, his gun didn't fire...Jack? Innuendo!
Jack: Fuck innuendo.
Gwen: 'ere, you really aren't the same!
(THEME MUSIC. New TITLE SEQUENCE showing Jack and Gwen RUNNING in slow motion and Xianto waiting for them with TEA.)
(SCENE: Inside TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS. It has been REDISGNED to look SLIGHTLY LESS LAME.)
Jack: Man, I just want to KILL SOMETHING.
Xianto: I'm going out for a walk then!
Gwen: Jack, don't you want to talk about what happened with the KLAPPY DUCKS?
Jack: No. NO!
(Jack swings the GUN he was holding, smashing some glass and destroying scale models of Owen and Tosh.)
Jack: Shit, I broke my little Owen and the asian chick! FUCK DUDE.
Xianto: No wonder Mickey and Martha went to Japan so quickly after starting work here!
Gwen: That's not fair, they went to fight those NINJA ROBOTS!
Jack: There are no fucking ninja robots! They went to get away from me and my mood swings. And my gun swings, RRRRARGH!
(He swings his gun again, clipping Xianto's ear.)
Xianto: Oww, I use that ear during sex!
(SUDDENLY a SEXY BALD BLACK WOMAN appears in front of them, with TEN DEAD BABIES in her arms!)
Sexy Woman: I've just killed TEN BABIES for reasons I can't explain!
Gwen: There you go, Jack, kill her! Pretend she's a KLAPPY DUCK!
Jack: RRRR!!
Sexy Woman: Stop!
(Jack grabs her and kisses her. The Sexy Woman looks confused for a second but then, of course, she kisses him back and they have FULL, UNPROTECTED sex right there on Tosh's old desk as Xianto and Gwen watch.)
Gwen: Rhys never fucks me like that.
Xianto: Rhys never fucks ME like that either!
Gwen: What!?
Xianto: Nothing!
(The Sexy Woman PASSES OUT.)
Jack: There, it's done!
Gwen: Oh, I get it, you injected yourself with those knock out sperm probes! Clever!
Jack: No, I just fucked her into unconsciousness like I've done a million women and a million and two men.
Xianto: I was the two!
Gwen: Umm...yeah...so, what did she want? And why didn't you kill her?
Jack: I pretended she was a KLAPPY DUCK like you said.
Gwen: Eww, you want to fuck the KLAPPY DUCKS? After what they did!?
(Ominous music plays again.)
Jack: It's complicated, like me. Shades of grey and shit. Anywy, now that she's out, let's burn her body.
Xianto: Yes SIR!
(Xianto takes out some matches and starts dousing the Sexy Woman with PETROL but suddenly a HOLOGRAM of JACK plays out of her vagina!)
Holo Jack: WAIT, Xianto! I've already experienced this timeline once and burning her is the WRONG thing to do! In fact, even though she killed ten babies, this Sexy Evil Woman in fact did it...FOR THE GREATER GOOD! Shades of grey!
Gwen: Bloomin' 'eck!
TO BE CONTINUED
Boy: Please...please don't hurt me...I'm sorry, I'll be good...PLEASE!
(Tears run down his face. He makes one final bid for freedom, but hits a dead end.)
Boy: No...no...don't kill me! Please, you big monsters, don't kill me!
(Three dark figures stand over him. PAN UP to reveal...Captain Jack, Xianto and Gwen!)
Jack: You need to die.
Boy: No. NO! RRRRRARGH!
(His FACE turns into the FACE of a DEMON'S FACE. Bet you didn't see that coming! He lunges forward but JACK and GWEN shoot him to death with GUNS. Xianto tries to shoot as well but his gun doesn't work. Jack keeps shooting and shooting even though the boy is already dead.)
Gwen: I think you got him!
Jack: I just haven't been the same...not since that incident with the KLAPPY DUCKS.
(Ominous music plays.)
Xianto: At least you got to shoot! My gun didn't fire!
Gwen: Hehe, his gun didn't fire...Jack? Innuendo!
Jack: Fuck innuendo.
Gwen: 'ere, you really aren't the same!
(THEME MUSIC. New TITLE SEQUENCE showing Jack and Gwen RUNNING in slow motion and Xianto waiting for them with TEA.)
(SCENE: Inside TORCHWOOD HEADQUARTERS. It has been REDISGNED to look SLIGHTLY LESS LAME.)
Jack: Man, I just want to KILL SOMETHING.
Xianto: I'm going out for a walk then!
Gwen: Jack, don't you want to talk about what happened with the KLAPPY DUCKS?
Jack: No. NO!
(Jack swings the GUN he was holding, smashing some glass and destroying scale models of Owen and Tosh.)
Jack: Shit, I broke my little Owen and the asian chick! FUCK DUDE.
Xianto: No wonder Mickey and Martha went to Japan so quickly after starting work here!
Gwen: That's not fair, they went to fight those NINJA ROBOTS!
Jack: There are no fucking ninja robots! They went to get away from me and my mood swings. And my gun swings, RRRRARGH!
(He swings his gun again, clipping Xianto's ear.)
Xianto: Oww, I use that ear during sex!
(SUDDENLY a SEXY BALD BLACK WOMAN appears in front of them, with TEN DEAD BABIES in her arms!)
Sexy Woman: I've just killed TEN BABIES for reasons I can't explain!
Gwen: There you go, Jack, kill her! Pretend she's a KLAPPY DUCK!
Jack: RRRR!!
Sexy Woman: Stop!
(Jack grabs her and kisses her. The Sexy Woman looks confused for a second but then, of course, she kisses him back and they have FULL, UNPROTECTED sex right there on Tosh's old desk as Xianto and Gwen watch.)
Gwen: Rhys never fucks me like that.
Xianto: Rhys never fucks ME like that either!
Gwen: What!?
Xianto: Nothing!
(The Sexy Woman PASSES OUT.)
Jack: There, it's done!
Gwen: Oh, I get it, you injected yourself with those knock out sperm probes! Clever!
Jack: No, I just fucked her into unconsciousness like I've done a million women and a million and two men.
Xianto: I was the two!
Gwen: Umm...yeah...so, what did she want? And why didn't you kill her?
Jack: I pretended she was a KLAPPY DUCK like you said.
Gwen: Eww, you want to fuck the KLAPPY DUCKS? After what they did!?
(Ominous music plays again.)
Jack: It's complicated, like me. Shades of grey and shit. Anywy, now that she's out, let's burn her body.
Xianto: Yes SIR!
(Xianto takes out some matches and starts dousing the Sexy Woman with PETROL but suddenly a HOLOGRAM of JACK plays out of her vagina!)
Holo Jack: WAIT, Xianto! I've already experienced this timeline once and burning her is the WRONG thing to do! In fact, even though she killed ten babies, this Sexy Evil Woman in fact did it...FOR THE GREATER GOOD! Shades of grey!
Gwen: Bloomin' 'eck!
TO BE CONTINUED
