TORCHWOOD SEASON THREE SCRIPT

[CaptainWacky]

(Jack and Ianto are in BED having SEX.)

Ianto: OH GOD don't stop Jack, make me cumgasm in your face.

Jack: Stay away from my eyes, I need to see for my job.

Ianto: Speaking of jobs I've got one you could do...one that involves BLOWING.

Jack: Oh you animal!

(IANTO TURNS INTO A LION.)

Ianto Lion: RRRROAR!

Jack: SHIT FUCK PISS.

(Jack jumps out of bed and WHIPS OUT his Torchwood communicator.)

Jack: Jack to Gwen, Ianto's turned into a lion!

Gwen(ON PHONE): 'ere, that's funny, Rhys my fat husband just turned into a skinny little prick!

Jack: THAT'S WEIRD.

Gwen: I just said, "you're fat Rhys you fat shit" and he said "better that I'm fat than a skinny little prick you buck-toothed tortoise" and slapped me! Then I said "I wish you were a skinny little prick you fucknose" and kneed his face and he turned into a skinny little prick so he did!

Jack: I THINK OUR WISHES ARE COMING TRUE, GWEN.

Gwen: Oh 'eck!

Jack: But there's a WAY OUT OF IT. We just have to wish for our wishes to come UNTRUE.

Gwen: Okay, lad! 'ere, Rhys, stop being a skinny little prick you shitstain...it worked!

Jack: GREAt.

Gwen: So are you going to wish Ianto back into human?

Jack: ...not yet.

(FIVE MINUTES LATER JACK AND THE LION IANTO ARE LYING IN BED SMOKING CIGARETTES.)

Jack: First time I've done it with a lion!

Lion Ianto: Roar.

THE END

 

[headvoid]

the oh eck should be used in every episode. It should become a trademark and I can sell toys with her ugly face voice chcaklasnjkfdsevgsfdfsdfnmjkssfccmmksd

 

[CaptainWacky]

Kids will start fucking up their teeth to look like Gwen.

 

[Mentalist]

I've never watched a single episode of this show.

 

[Tisiphone]

Ditto.

 

[CaptainWacky]

THere's a reason for that!

 

[Tisiphone]

oh eck, what is the reason, eh?

 

[CaptainWacky]

It sucks!

 

[headvoid]

We dont let it out of the country.

We have set up a secure internet zone so that gay Nazi Monkey porn can get through, but TouchmyWood is blocked.

 

[Tisiphone]

^That at first looked like TorchMyWood.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ironicaly the department responsible for keeping Torchwood in the UK have all kinds of Torchwood style adventures (random sexual encounters with aliens, ghosts, ghost aliens.)

 

[Loktar]

We dont let it out of the country.

We have set up a secure internet zone so that gay Nazi Monkey porn can get through, but TouchmyWood is blocked.

How then do explain that I, an American have seen it(BBCAmerica)?

 

[CaptainWacky]

You're lying.

 

[Loktar]

It sucks!

Yeah it sucks they killed off Tosh and Owen.

 

[CaptainWacky]

That's what Hitler says.