Trapped...

[Volpone]

So I have a friend.

When he gets you on the phone...you're stuck.

He's got me on the phone right now. And he's drinking.

 

[bad dog]

Make something beep and tell him your phone battery is going dead.

 

[Volpone]

...And his new cell phone has unlimited long distance.

 

[Volpone]

Now he's telling me about the TV show "Lassie". And "Star Trek."

 

[bad dog]

I am glad im almost deaf and dont get trapped on the phone, people get tired of yelling at me.

 

[Volpone]

Geezus. The only thing worse than talking to a hippie is talking to a drunk, old hippie. Now he's rambling on about the war.

 

[bad dog]

You might be way too sober yourself..... It might be more interesting drunk.

 

[Volpone]

Yeah. There was no diplomatic way to extract myself from that. And it was deteriorating rapidly. Pretty soon I just hit 5 every couple seconds and said "I'm sorry, I've got to take that."

 

[Volpone]

Well, there's 25 minutes down the toilet. That was a good 20 minute call--"Hey, how are you? What've you been up to?" But this guy doesn't know when it's time to say "Ok. Well, I should be going. It's been nice talking to you." so it went on waaay longer than it should've.

 

[bad dog]

When my phone rings its always some asshole who wants money for the nude lesbian skydivers association.

 

[Volpone]

Why do nude lesbian skydivers wear jockstraps?

 

[bad dog]

Why?

 

[Volpone]

So they don't whistle on the way down.

 

[bad dog]

Thats a good one.

 

[Enkephalen]

Keep cellophane paper by the phone. When he calls again, crumple the paper close to the phone and say: "Hello? HELLOOOOO? Hey, you're breaking up. This must be a bad connection, there's a lot of static on the line." Then pretend you can't hear him any longer but keep saying "hello, can you hear me?" or speak very softly while crumpling the paper by the mouth piece, and then hang up. Do this every time he calls you and it will discourage him from calling. I once did that to a boss who would call me from his cell phone the minute he got into his car. He had nothing to say, but I figured out that he just wanted to look "cool" in his BMW to the other drivers on the road. After awhile he stopped calling me.

 

[Enkephalen]

. . .or just change your phone number and neglect to give it out to this guy. I used to do that every couple of years. It was my passive/aggressive way of weeding out people who had my phone number and would call me. I would just tell the phone company that I was getting obscene phone calls and to please change my telephone number to another unlisted number.