CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Mine would be Capco Winkins.
Do hobbits even have names?
There is literally nowhere in Tolkein's writings where he literally says "hobbits have names, and that's a fact."
In The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, Westron was presented as having been completely translated into English. This had certain important implications: first of all, proper names with derivations somewhat evident to speakers of Westron had been 'translated', to preserve the effect. Thus, names like "Baggins", "Bagshot Row", "Peregrin", "Rivendell", etc. are presented as not the actual names. For example, Meriadoc Brandybuck's actual name is supposed to have been Kalimac Brandagamba, short Kali (meaning jolly, merry). 'Meriadoc', short 'Merry', is designed to maintain the reference to merriness contained in the original name. Likewise Peregrin Took's actual name was Razanur Tûc, short Razar (name of a small apple). 'Peregrin', short 'Pippin' contained both the actual meaning of the full name (traveller, stranger) and the reference to an apple. Sam Gamgee (shortened from Samwise Gammidgy) was actually named Ban Galpsi, short for Banazir Galbasi. The ending of the 'true' Hobbit name Bilbo was also changed: in Westron it was Bilba, but Tolkien changed this to -o because -a is usually a female ending in English, whereas it was a male ending in Westron.
Placenames and other features were also presented as having been translated from an original form: Rivendell (Sindarin Imladris, "cloven valley") was actually called Karningul, and Bag End was actually called Labin-nec, after Labingi, the real form of Baggins. In some cases the explanations became quite involved, such as the river Brandywine (Sindarin Baranduin, "golden-brown river") was actually called Branda-nîn, a punning Westron name meaning "border-water", which was later punned again as Bralda-hîm, meaning "heady ale".
Q: Didn't you know that in the Tolkein-verse Elves don't have two names? I mean sometimes they do, but you've mixed up the Quenya and Sindarin dialects and besides I'm somewhat sure the author specified that a diaresis always occurs in an elven word that ends with the letter 'e'...(trails off)
A: Ah. I see. Yes, yes. I understand. How ...good... of you to catch that. *backs away slowly, dials police*