Working on a short story...

BlazerBoy

New Member
I am planning a short story based on a poem my girlfriend wrote. It reads:

I once knew a girl who darkly said
Loneliness is a thunderhead, hiding the sun
And she was tattooed pale.
‘Why,’ I asked, ‘Are you lonely so?’
Because there are none who know my name.
‘Tell it to me and as a treasure I’ll keep it.’
She whispered in my ear, and I whispered it back
To be sure I made no mistake in its beauty.
Her first smile, an eclipse of her deepest delight
As the years saw me sing out her name.

I once knew a boy who softly said
Sorrow is a flooded river untamed
And his eyes were eerily red.
‘Why,’ I asked, ‘Are you so sorrowful?’
Because there are none who will hear my tale.
‘Speak to me, ‘til my ears are made drunk.’
And he spoke of his life with a lover’s affection,
Every plight, every fitful affliction of joy
And my hand cramped while he dictated his story
As volumes upon volumes we filled.

I wandered for years with a name on my tongue
And a library of life in my brain.
For decades and scores and centuries I walked
‘Til neither life nor name were my own.
With my last withering sigh I murmured in scorn
‘How kind it would have been, had another stopped
and thought to do the same for me…’ And upon
my breast lay, open, tattered, a volume of dictation,
In my hand a small paper, faded, scrawled with a name.


This prose struck a deep chord with me, because it bears a passing resemblence to another of my absolute favorite poems, Ozymandius by Percy Shelley. I wanted to flesh this out into a short story, giving a bit more depth to the underlying feelings that both the girl and boy felt. However, I've been wrestling with if its even possible, or if it will simply dilute what I think is already a very beautifully constructed poem.

Open to suggestions and thoughts.
 

BitchSlapSmitty

New Member
BlazerBoy said:
I am planning a short story based on a poem my girlfriend wrote. It reads:

I once knew a girl who darkly said
Loneliness is a thunderhead, hiding the sun
And she was tattooed pale.
‘Why,’ I asked, ‘Are you lonely so?’
Because there are none who know my name.
‘Tell it to me and as a treasure I’ll keep it.’
She whispered in my ear, and I whispered it back
To be sure I made no mistake in its beauty.
Her first smile, an eclipse of her deepest delight
As the years saw me sing out her name.

I once knew a boy who softly said
Sorrow is a flooded river untamed
And his eyes were eerily red.
‘Why,’ I asked, ‘Are you so sorrowful?’
Because there are none who will hear my tale.
‘Speak to me, ‘til my ears are made drunk.’
And he spoke of his life with a lover’s affection,
Every plight, every fitful affliction of joy
And my hand cramped while he dictated his story
As volumes upon volumes we filled.

I wandered for years with a name on my tongue
And a library of life in my brain.
For decades and scores and centuries I walked
‘Til neither life nor name were my own.
With my last withering sigh I murmured in scorn
‘How kind it would have been, had another stopped
and thought to do the same for me…’ And upon
my breast lay, open, tattered, a volume of dictation,
In my hand a small paper, faded, scrawled with a name.


This prose struck a deep chord with me, because it bears a passing resemblence to another of my absolute favorite poems, Ozymandius by Percy Shelley. I wanted to flesh this out into a short story, giving a bit more depth to the underlying feelings that both the girl and boy felt. However, I've been wrestling with if its even possible, or if it will simply dilute what I think is already a very beautifully constructed poem.

Open to suggestions and thoughts.

You might get more feedback, once you identify further your intentions?

Break it down, and cluster it, What point are you trying to make?

Is it gonna be three acts? will there be a climax?

What person is this gonna be told in? First, 2nd, 3rd?
 

BitchSlapSmitty

New Member
Ok, upon further reading, it seems like this is mos def dialogue, so try this out for the first or two stanzas at least...

In between the different dialogues, describe what the characters are feeling, doing, are they shifting weight to one foot, is he looking into her eyes, etc.

We see the words up there, now tell us the happenings. Actually SHOW us.
 
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