If I were doing this for money, I'd break this into about 4 different articles, but since this is just a place for me to get my thoughts out there, I'm just going to roll it all up into one post (unless I change my mind).
First off, I'll touch on this whole transgender thing that is going on right now. Back when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I said that if I'd been born a woman I'd have made someone a really great wife. I like to stay home. I like to cook. I like a clean house. I used to sew and do ironing. But a lot of that falls by the wayside since I also need to bring in the money too. As I was considering writing about this I decided to look for one of those online quizzes that were so big a few years back: Do I have a masculine or feminine personality? On the Meyers-Briggs, I consistently test as an introvert, but not extremely introverted. I'm close to the centerline. The result of the test called me "androgynous" although it was about 57 masculine/43 feminine (Or maybe 53/47?) That said, it is what it is. When I thought about how I might be happier as a woman, that was just an academic exercise. I am NOT a woman. I'm a man. So I have to figure out how to be as happy as I can be as a man. And it is almost certain I'd be far more unhappy if I decided I was a woman and tried to force that. That is my personal belief.
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Another thing I wrestle with is: Do I fear failure, or do I fear success? The argument is that I know failure. I'm comfortable with failure. I know what to do when I fail. When I succeed, then I need to figure out what to do next. The reality is that this is BS. I fear failure. How do I know this? I decided that I should just rent out storage space myself instead of using a Web 3rd party for it. So I need to make a sign and do up a contract for customers. I also needed to mow the lawn. So the first chance I had...I mowed the lawn. Why? Because it's hard to fail at mowing the lawn. At the end of the day, if the grass is short, you've succeeded. Say I make up a rental contract and make a sign and put it out by the road. What do I do next if no one calls? (Although as I type this, I realize I have more work if someone DOES call too, so maybe I fear...uncertainty? I'm not sure.)
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Coming back to the topic of the thread, I recently bit the bullet and decided I needed to get at least a part time job as a buffer against the unexpected (like storm damage and fender benders and medical bills). Applied with a company I worked for for several years. Figured it would be an easy deal. Never heard back from them. Applied to do similar work for one of the big hardware chains--that I'd actually done some contracted work for years ago. Never heard back from them. Finally, I applied with the other big hardware chain for some work that I wasn't thrilled about and wasn't particularly qualified for. Heard back immediately about coming in for an interview. Did the interview and got offered a job. Very quick and very easy. I'm actually not terribly thrilled. I really "don't think I want another job." But I *do* want enough money to be able to do the things I want to do, so I guess I'll see where this goes.
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Finally, "losing my religion," to steal a cool song title. I feel bad to say it, but recent years have made me not the Christian I used to be. I used to always help everyone and do my duty. I used to give to charity and give something up for Lent and go to church. Spending Fat Tuesday starved and miserable and getting a colonoscopy, having my dog--and 3 months later--my cat of 10 years die just after donating a decent chunk of change to charity and then consistently failing to catch the break I need on real estate has moved me from "donate to charities and karma will reward you to" "OK, give me some breaks and then I'll give to charity." And church, I can alter my schedule one day a week and wait on breakfast, coffee, and catching up on current events before walking my dog or I can go someplace where someone who isn't as smart as me tells me the same stories I've heard for a half century and then does a bad job explaining what you're supposed to be getting from it and eat some bread and wine and shake some people's hands. Not a very compelling case. Really, the most exciting argument for church is there's a great Asian buffet near the church and it is an excuse to go to brunch there once a week. But I don't really know if I have that kind of money to blow these days.
The other thing is the whole "Good Samaritan" thing. Years and years ago, I learned that I was motivated by helping people and solving problems. More recently, though, I've learned that some people, you can't solve their problems. All you can do is assume the responsibility of their problems, freeing them up to go find new exciting problems to get into. So I've stopped helping people and solving problems. The kicker was walking The Dog tonight. On the way home she wanted to duck under a bridge. Laying out on a hillside was a hobo who would periodically writhe around. I quickly steered The Dog away from him and went on my way. Not my problem. He looked like a hobo. Clues indicated he was a hobo. But what if he wasn't? What if he genuinely needed help for some reason? What if, when I walk The Dog tomorrow, he is still there but not periodically writhing around? Is it my fault he died then? Do I call it in? Or do I just leave him laying there for rot and coyotes and buzzards until someone else calls it in? Do I do the Kitty Genovese "not my problem?" It's sad that I've come to this.
On a mostly unrelated note, yesterday I had to bury a stray cat that got hit by a car. But before that I had to check with a neighbor to make sure it wasn't his cat (it wasn't, in fact it would spray the outside of his house and then his cat would spray all over the inside, so it was actually a relief to him that it was dead because his wife was pressuring him to kill it. Anyway, at first I was going to go their with my dog, but since my house is just across the street and he has cats, I dropped The Dog off. But in the process we walked near where I stashed a groundhog she killed back in February. So today she of course found it like a guided missile. I'm like "OK. Good. Fine. Well done. You're not fucking bringing it home. Pee on it and let's move on."