The Tomtrek
Love Wookiee
Star Trek: The Motion Picture is known for it’s amazing visuals, flawless music, and slow plodding narrative.
The novelisation of TMP, however, is known for being one of the few Star Trek stories directly written by Gene Roddenberry himself. Another thing that it is known for is it paragraphs and paragraphs of sex.
Basically, Gene Roddenberry, who’s vision of the future has provided inspiration for to generations of people, loved breasts. And girls. And sex with girls. And he also liked to write about breasts, girls, and sex with girls. Even in Star Trek. There’s some early examples of this, such as in the very first pitch for the series where he describes Yeoman Colt as having “a strip-queen figure even a uniform cannot hide”, but the TMP novelisation is where he really shines.
So after buying the novelisation on eBay I thought I’d take you through some of the best bits, because really it’s fantastic because THIS WAS ALL GENE’S VISION AND IS CANON OKAY (Gene was cool).
Okay so the first hint we get at anything being a bit strange is in the preface, which is written in the first person from Kirk’s point of view:
Anyway, carrying on. Things are pretty normal until we see Spock on Vulcan about to receive Kolinahr. Here Gene takes the time to confront what I guess must’ve been the growing Kirk/Spock slash community, and to also reinforce that Kirk is awesome. Spock is currently saying goodbye to the human part of his life, and thinking about the fact the he will never see Kirk again:
On we go, and in a scene that’s not in the film, Kirk receives a holographic message telling him to report to Admiral Nogura because V’Ger is on his way. The message is from a Vice-Admiral who Kirk has slept with because Kirk has slept with everyone:
Things stay pretty normal, except for some Kirk pining over this Vice-Admiral (who turns out to be the other person who gets mangled in the transporter with Sonak), until Ilia. Ilia is basically the centeral focus of all the bizarre Star Trek sex talk in the book, and that’s because she’s a classic Gene Roddenberry creation – sex crazed aliens. In the film you don’t really get what Ilia’s all about. There’s stuff about her “oath of celibacy” and all the men go a bit crazy around her at first, but that’s it. The book is different. In the book we learn that of course Deltans have a lot of sex and of course it’s just us humans who are all repressed about it. Also that having sex with a Deltan forms some sort of psychic bond with them which means that most human males go mad when they do (hence the oath of celibacy). Oh, also, of course, female Deltans emit sex pheromones. A lot of them:
The next bit is probably my favourite bit, because really it’s just Gene making Kirk do what any other man would do – stare at some boobs. This is from after Ilia is taken by V’Ger, and her robot double has just been transported into the sonic shower in Ilia’s quarters:
As the book continues, we get both Kirk and Decker trying not to think about having sex with Ilia now that she’s a robot, and as in the film Decker tries to get through to the real Ilia by spending time with the robot. Although there’s an extra scene in the book where Decker – you guessed it – had sex with the robot:
Decker here basically finds an excuse to not only have sex with a hot robot but also work it into ‘the mission’ as well so he can do it on duty and everything.
And that’s basically it. In summary: Gene Roddenberry liked his breasts and his girls. In a way it’s a shame that Gene never survived to see the rise of the nudity-full cable channels where he could’ve shown us his true vision for Star Trek. Instead, we got Neelix. Fuck you, Neelix.
The novelisation of TMP, however, is known for being one of the few Star Trek stories directly written by Gene Roddenberry himself. Another thing that it is known for is it paragraphs and paragraphs of sex.
Basically, Gene Roddenberry, who’s vision of the future has provided inspiration for to generations of people, loved breasts. And girls. And sex with girls. And he also liked to write about breasts, girls, and sex with girls. Even in Star Trek. There’s some early examples of this, such as in the very first pitch for the series where he describes Yeoman Colt as having “a strip-queen figure even a uniform cannot hide”, but the TMP novelisation is where he really shines.
So after buying the novelisation on eBay I thought I’d take you through some of the best bits, because really it’s fantastic because THIS WAS ALL GENE’S VISION AND IS CANON OKAY (Gene was cool).
Okay so the first hint we get at anything being a bit strange is in the preface, which is written in the first person from Kirk’s point of view:
Now, I don’t know what a ‘love instructor’ is, but it sounds pretty cool! And apparently in the 23rd century people have multiple love instructors. To instruct them in love, I guess. Also now I wish that when, in the alternate universe, George Kirk was crashing the USS Kelvin into the Narada he said “Tiberious? Are you kidding? That’s the worst! Let’s name him after your first love instructor. Let’s name him Jim.” WAY TO FUCK OVER GENE, JJ!!!!
Anyway, carrying on. Things are pretty normal until we see Spock on Vulcan about to receive Kolinahr. Here Gene takes the time to confront what I guess must’ve been the growing Kirk/Spock slash community, and to also reinforce that Kirk is awesome. Spock is currently saying goodbye to the human part of his life, and thinking about the fact the he will never see Kirk again:
WHICH MEANS KIRK LIKES TO FUCK WOMEN OKAY? OKAY.
On we go, and in a scene that’s not in the film, Kirk receives a holographic message telling him to report to Admiral Nogura because V’Ger is on his way. The message is from a Vice-Admiral who Kirk has slept with because Kirk has slept with everyone:
In this book, Gene Roddenberry writes about Kirk getting a hard on. Good book.
Things stay pretty normal, except for some Kirk pining over this Vice-Admiral (who turns out to be the other person who gets mangled in the transporter with Sonak), until Ilia. Ilia is basically the centeral focus of all the bizarre Star Trek sex talk in the book, and that’s because she’s a classic Gene Roddenberry creation – sex crazed aliens. In the film you don’t really get what Ilia’s all about. There’s stuff about her “oath of celibacy” and all the men go a bit crazy around her at first, but that’s it. The book is different. In the book we learn that of course Deltans have a lot of sex and of course it’s just us humans who are all repressed about it. Also that having sex with a Deltan forms some sort of psychic bond with them which means that most human males go mad when they do (hence the oath of celibacy). Oh, also, of course, female Deltans emit sex pheromones. A lot of them:
Basically any time there’s a scene with Decker and Ilia we’re reminded that Decker REALLY wants to sleep with Ilia but if he did he’d go mad BUT IT MIGHT BE WORTH IT.
The next bit is probably my favourite bit, because really it’s just Gene making Kirk do what any other man would do – stare at some boobs. This is from after Ilia is taken by V’Ger, and her robot double has just been transported into the sonic shower in Ilia’s quarters:
Gene likes breasts. Respect on Gene.
As the book continues, we get both Kirk and Decker trying not to think about having sex with Ilia now that she’s a robot, and as in the film Decker tries to get through to the real Ilia by spending time with the robot. Although there’s an extra scene in the book where Decker – you guessed it – had sex with the robot:
Decker here basically finds an excuse to not only have sex with a hot robot but also work it into ‘the mission’ as well so he can do it on duty and everything.
And that’s basically it. In summary: Gene Roddenberry liked his breasts and his girls. In a way it’s a shame that Gene never survived to see the rise of the nudity-full cable channels where he could’ve shown us his true vision for Star Trek. Instead, we got Neelix. Fuck you, Neelix.
