The Tomtrek
Love Wookiee
GIRLS LIKE CATS.
[YOUTUBE]mTTwcCVajAc[/YOUTUBE]
[YOUTUBE]mTTwcCVajAc[/YOUTUBE]
Cat Cleaners script (new sit-com)
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Seems like she'd be perfect for a cameo apperance in CAT CLEANERS...
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(DJ and Jock are shocked in the taxi by UNCLE MAC driving.)
Jock: Uncle Mac? YOU drive a taxi?
Uncle Mac: What? Mac? No! Jock, I'm your OTHER uncle, Fred! I'm Mac's twin brother! How could you forget that!?
Jock: OOOOOOh, I remember now! Uncle Fred!
Uncle Fred: I guess we haven't seen each other for a while...not since Mac and I had our falling out.
Jock: Well you did conduct a 17 year affair with his wife!
Uncle Fred: Ah come on, everyone had her!
DJ: I know I did!
(Studio audience woooooo!)
Uncle Fred: I hear she finally left him for a black man...was it you?
Jock: What? No, not a black man, BLACKMAN! ROGER Blackman!
Uncle Fred: That parrot breeding bastard? I'd like to settle his hash...
DJ: I'd like to smoke it!
(Studio audience wooooooo!)
Jock: Look, some guy's about to rape our co-worker, could you please just follow him?
Uncle Fred: Sure! I know where he's going, being a taxi driver I can tell just by the way he drove off!
Jock: HIT THE GAS!
(CUT TO Barry Blackman's apartment where he and Lucy have just arrived.)
Lucy: Nice place.
Barry: Thanks. I try to keep it clean.
Lucy: Hey, who's she?
(There is a photo with Barry and a GIRL.)
Barry: Oh, that's my ex girlfriend.
Lucy: And you keep photos of her around the place? Weird, I burn all the photos of my exes!
(Studio audience howl.)
Barry: It's because she's dead, Lucy.
Lucy: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Barry: She died and I keep pictures so I remember her. Always.
Lucy: How did she die?
Barry: She was murdered.
Lucy: Shit on toast!
(Studio audience laugh at Lucy's outrageous new catchphrase.)
Barry: Yeah. Hey Lucy, have you ever done something bad? And you know it's wrong...but it felt so good that you just can't stop yourself? And you keep on doing it? And you try to justify it in your mind by saying "well, I've done it once and the world didn't end. What difference will it make if I do it again? I've already crossed the line." But it does make a difference, Lucy. It really does. Each time is different from the last. Each times feels better than better.
Lucy: Umm...well, I do eat too much choclate!
(Stuido audience aww.)
Barry: You are lovely.
Lucy: Thanks...but boy, my neck is tense!
Barry: Then mabye I could massage your neck...
Lucy: Okay!
Barry: That should feel gooooood...
(Lucy sits down the couch. Barry stands behind her, staring at his hands, about to close them around her neck...JOCK AND DJ BARGE IN!)
Jock and DJ: GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
TO BE CONTINUED
Jock: Uncle Mac? YOU drive a taxi?
Uncle Mac: What? Mac? No! Jock, I'm your OTHER uncle, Fred! I'm Mac's twin brother! How could you forget that!?
Jock: OOOOOOh, I remember now! Uncle Fred!
Uncle Fred: I guess we haven't seen each other for a while...not since Mac and I had our falling out.
Jock: Well you did conduct a 17 year affair with his wife!
Uncle Fred: Ah come on, everyone had her!
DJ: I know I did!
(Studio audience woooooo!)
Uncle Fred: I hear she finally left him for a black man...was it you?
Jock: What? No, not a black man, BLACKMAN! ROGER Blackman!
Uncle Fred: That parrot breeding bastard? I'd like to settle his hash...
DJ: I'd like to smoke it!
(Studio audience wooooooo!)
Jock: Look, some guy's about to rape our co-worker, could you please just follow him?
Uncle Fred: Sure! I know where he's going, being a taxi driver I can tell just by the way he drove off!
Jock: HIT THE GAS!
(CUT TO Barry Blackman's apartment where he and Lucy have just arrived.)
Lucy: Nice place.
Barry: Thanks. I try to keep it clean.
Lucy: Hey, who's she?
(There is a photo with Barry and a GIRL.)
Barry: Oh, that's my ex girlfriend.
Lucy: And you keep photos of her around the place? Weird, I burn all the photos of my exes!
(Studio audience howl.)
Barry: It's because she's dead, Lucy.
Lucy: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Barry: She died and I keep pictures so I remember her. Always.
Lucy: How did she die?
Barry: She was murdered.
Lucy: Shit on toast!
(Studio audience laugh at Lucy's outrageous new catchphrase.)
Barry: Yeah. Hey Lucy, have you ever done something bad? And you know it's wrong...but it felt so good that you just can't stop yourself? And you keep on doing it? And you try to justify it in your mind by saying "well, I've done it once and the world didn't end. What difference will it make if I do it again? I've already crossed the line." But it does make a difference, Lucy. It really does. Each time is different from the last. Each times feels better than better.
Lucy: Umm...well, I do eat too much choclate!
(Stuido audience aww.)
Barry: You are lovely.
Lucy: Thanks...but boy, my neck is tense!
Barry: Then mabye I could massage your neck...
Lucy: Okay!
Barry: That should feel gooooood...
(Lucy sits down the couch. Barry stands behind her, staring at his hands, about to close them around her neck...JOCK AND DJ BARGE IN!)
Jock and DJ: GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Lucy is shocked by DJ and Jock barging in.)
Lucy: What the hell, what are you two doing here!?
Barry: Get out of my apartment!
Jock: Back up, BUCKO! We know your terrible secret!
DJ: We're not going to let you hurt our Lucy!
Barry: You...you know?
(Barry looks down his shoes, sadly.)
Barry: I always knew I would be caught out in the end. I just kept going and going, unable to stop myself...it was wrong, and I knew it was. Sick and wrong. I deserve to be punished.
Jock: Damn right you do! How could you not tell her you're Roger Blackman's nephew!?
Barry: Huh?
Lucy: WHAT!?
(Lucy jumps up from the couch.)
Lucy: You are!?
Barry: Oh, right, that secret...not the other one. Yeah, that's right. Sorry.
Jock: The guy across the hall told us!
DJ: Then invited us in for cookies!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Lucy: Why didn't you tell me?
Jock: Because you can't trust a Blackman!
DJ: Hey!
(Studio audience explode.)
Barry: Look, I know my uncle's trying to put you guys out of business...but I really like you, Lucy. I think you're great. I want to show you who I really am.
Lucy: By lying to me!
Jock: Yeah, you tell him, sister!
Barry: Do you really care about those two idiots and their cat cleaning shop?
Lucy: Yes! Well, I mean, yes, they're both idiots. They both stare at my tits all day. I don't get paid anything for working in their shop because we never get any business. Their nerd friend took my underage sister out of the country and I don't know if she's alive or dead because of him. I caught Jock sniffing a pair of my underpants this morning and I have no idea how he got them. And...why do I like them again?
DJ: Because we da men!
Jock: We da men!
Barry: See? You don't need them! Stay with me! Let me show you who I am. The truth. The glory...
Lucy: They might be a couple of immature pricks, but at least they don't lie to me. UNLIKE YOU. Your uncle's trying to put the place I work out of business. You knew that all along and you said nothing! I can't be with someone like you! Jock, DJ, take me home!
DJ: Excellent!
(DJ and Jock play air guitar.)
Jock: Uncle Fred's waiting out side in the cab! OH NO, THE METER'S STILL RUNNING!
(They grab Lucy and run away as the studio audience applaud. Barry looks sad. He walks over to his fridge and opens the door. He reaches inside and pulls out a FROZEN HEAD. The head of his dead girlfriend.)
Barry: It's just you and me...tonight. But I'll kill Lucy one of these days. I'll kill her so hard.
(He starts kissing the head as the studio audience go "ooooooh!" at this hilarious plot twist!)
TO BE CONTINUED
Lucy: What the hell, what are you two doing here!?
Barry: Get out of my apartment!
Jock: Back up, BUCKO! We know your terrible secret!
DJ: We're not going to let you hurt our Lucy!
Barry: You...you know?
(Barry looks down his shoes, sadly.)
Barry: I always knew I would be caught out in the end. I just kept going and going, unable to stop myself...it was wrong, and I knew it was. Sick and wrong. I deserve to be punished.
Jock: Damn right you do! How could you not tell her you're Roger Blackman's nephew!?
Barry: Huh?
Lucy: WHAT!?
(Lucy jumps up from the couch.)
Lucy: You are!?
Barry: Oh, right, that secret...not the other one. Yeah, that's right. Sorry.
Jock: The guy across the hall told us!
DJ: Then invited us in for cookies!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Lucy: Why didn't you tell me?
Jock: Because you can't trust a Blackman!
DJ: Hey!
(Studio audience explode.)
Barry: Look, I know my uncle's trying to put you guys out of business...but I really like you, Lucy. I think you're great. I want to show you who I really am.
Lucy: By lying to me!
Jock: Yeah, you tell him, sister!
Barry: Do you really care about those two idiots and their cat cleaning shop?
Lucy: Yes! Well, I mean, yes, they're both idiots. They both stare at my tits all day. I don't get paid anything for working in their shop because we never get any business. Their nerd friend took my underage sister out of the country and I don't know if she's alive or dead because of him. I caught Jock sniffing a pair of my underpants this morning and I have no idea how he got them. And...why do I like them again?
DJ: Because we da men!
Jock: We da men!
Barry: See? You don't need them! Stay with me! Let me show you who I am. The truth. The glory...
Lucy: They might be a couple of immature pricks, but at least they don't lie to me. UNLIKE YOU. Your uncle's trying to put the place I work out of business. You knew that all along and you said nothing! I can't be with someone like you! Jock, DJ, take me home!
DJ: Excellent!
(DJ and Jock play air guitar.)
Jock: Uncle Fred's waiting out side in the cab! OH NO, THE METER'S STILL RUNNING!
(They grab Lucy and run away as the studio audience applaud. Barry looks sad. He walks over to his fridge and opens the door. He reaches inside and pulls out a FROZEN HEAD. The head of his dead girlfriend.)
Barry: It's just you and me...tonight. But I'll kill Lucy one of these days. I'll kill her so hard.
(He starts kissing the head as the studio audience go "ooooooh!" at this hilarious plot twist!)
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jock, DJ and Lucy arrive back to Cat Cleaners in Uncle Frank's cab.)
Jock: Are you sure you don't want come in to see Uncle Mac?
Uncle Frank: Nah, I don't think I'm ready yet. Besides, he tried to kill me with an axe the last time we met!
(Studio audience laugh.)
DJ: You know what, Uncle Frank? You're ALRIGHT!
(DJ high fives Uncle Frank.)
Lucy: Can we just fucking go inside.
Jock: Sure! Catch you later, Uncle Frank!
Uncle Frank: Not if I catch AIDS first!
(The studio audience wooooo as he drives off. Jock, DJ and Lucy enter Cat Cleaners. Uncle Mac is cowering in a corner. The whole shop is ruined, scratched up and covered in cat shit.)
Uncle Mac: Too...many...cats...
Jock: Uncle Mac, what have you done to the place, you crazy old coot!
Uncle Mac: Too...many...cats...
DJ: Yo, why didn't you put them back in their cages, they're all gone!
Uncle Mac: Have you ever tried herding cats? It's like...herding cats.
(Uncle Mac pauses for studio audience laughter. None comes. He looks down sadly.)
DJ: You'll be herding my fist out of your face soon, pops!
(Studio audience explode.)
Jock: Hey, don't yell at Uncle Mac! Hey Mac, I saw Frank today.
Uncle Mac: Really?
Jock: Yes!
Uncle Mac: I'll get my axe then.
Lucy: What am I even fucking doing here? In a wrecked shop with two guys I hate? Barry might have lied to me, but at least he wasn't functionally retarded!
Jock: Calm down, Lucy, it'll be okay.
Lucy: It won't! Look at this place! This is where I work! I'm about to be evicted from my apartment! Strange men are obsessed with me! I'm scared!
Jock: You mustn't fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering!
Lucy: Wow, that's quite profound. Perhaps I was wrong about you...
DJ: Hey man, you swiped that from Star Wars!
Jock: What? No, I...
DJ: Yeah man, Episode One. WITH JAR JAR!
(Studio audience uh oh!)
Lucy: With Jar Jar? GOD! Just when I think you might be okay, you pull a stunt like this!
(She storms off.)
Jock: You dickhead! Why would you ruin my chances with her? Are you some kind of evil robot?
DJ: You mean like a droid?
Jock: I...I guess.
DJ: Yeah, well these ain't the droids you're looking for, bitch!
(Studio audience howl at this, the most clever reference ever. DJ looks directly into the camera.)
DJ: Beat that, Big Bang Theory.
Uncle Mac: By the way, there was a phone message I will now play.
Jock (before it even starts playing): Hey, that's ROGER BLACKMAN's voice!
Roger Blackman: Listen up you jabronis! I know your business is suffering and guess what? In ONE WEEK you will be OUT OF MONEY and the BANK will close you down! But I have a solution, you jabronis! I will BUY YOUR SHOP FOR YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jock and DJ: Roger Blackman owning Cat Cleaners? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Uncle Mac: Where am I?
TO BE CONTINUED
Jock: Are you sure you don't want come in to see Uncle Mac?
Uncle Frank: Nah, I don't think I'm ready yet. Besides, he tried to kill me with an axe the last time we met!
(Studio audience laugh.)
DJ: You know what, Uncle Frank? You're ALRIGHT!
(DJ high fives Uncle Frank.)
Lucy: Can we just fucking go inside.
Jock: Sure! Catch you later, Uncle Frank!
Uncle Frank: Not if I catch AIDS first!
(The studio audience wooooo as he drives off. Jock, DJ and Lucy enter Cat Cleaners. Uncle Mac is cowering in a corner. The whole shop is ruined, scratched up and covered in cat shit.)
Uncle Mac: Too...many...cats...
Jock: Uncle Mac, what have you done to the place, you crazy old coot!
Uncle Mac: Too...many...cats...
DJ: Yo, why didn't you put them back in their cages, they're all gone!
Uncle Mac: Have you ever tried herding cats? It's like...herding cats.
(Uncle Mac pauses for studio audience laughter. None comes. He looks down sadly.)
DJ: You'll be herding my fist out of your face soon, pops!
(Studio audience explode.)
Jock: Hey, don't yell at Uncle Mac! Hey Mac, I saw Frank today.
Uncle Mac: Really?
Jock: Yes!
Uncle Mac: I'll get my axe then.
Lucy: What am I even fucking doing here? In a wrecked shop with two guys I hate? Barry might have lied to me, but at least he wasn't functionally retarded!
Jock: Calm down, Lucy, it'll be okay.
Lucy: It won't! Look at this place! This is where I work! I'm about to be evicted from my apartment! Strange men are obsessed with me! I'm scared!
Jock: You mustn't fear. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering!
Lucy: Wow, that's quite profound. Perhaps I was wrong about you...
DJ: Hey man, you swiped that from Star Wars!
Jock: What? No, I...
DJ: Yeah man, Episode One. WITH JAR JAR!
(Studio audience uh oh!)
Lucy: With Jar Jar? GOD! Just when I think you might be okay, you pull a stunt like this!
(She storms off.)
Jock: You dickhead! Why would you ruin my chances with her? Are you some kind of evil robot?
DJ: You mean like a droid?
Jock: I...I guess.
DJ: Yeah, well these ain't the droids you're looking for, bitch!
(Studio audience howl at this, the most clever reference ever. DJ looks directly into the camera.)
DJ: Beat that, Big Bang Theory.
Uncle Mac: By the way, there was a phone message I will now play.
Jock (before it even starts playing): Hey, that's ROGER BLACKMAN's voice!
Roger Blackman: Listen up you jabronis! I know your business is suffering and guess what? In ONE WEEK you will be OUT OF MONEY and the BANK will close you down! But I have a solution, you jabronis! I will BUY YOUR SHOP FOR YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jock and DJ: Roger Blackman owning Cat Cleaners? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Uncle Mac: Where am I?
TO BE CONTINUED
Homo Erectus
Registered User
Blackman is gonna do someything scoundrelly.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Jock: We have to stop Roger Blackman from buying Cat Cleaners!
DJ: How much money do we need, man?
Jock: TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!
DJ: Wow, we lost a lot of money real fast.
Jock: No one wants their cat cleaned!
(Lucy returns.)
Lucy: What are you idiots talking about?
Jock: We need to raise two hundred grand to stop Roger Blackman from buying Cat Cleaners!
Lucy: Right. Because if he bought it, that would be bad, because...you wouldn't be working in a place that's two hundred thousand dollars in debt?
Jock: You don't get it! He's EVIL He's probably train the cats to kill people!
DJ: There are no depths to which he will not stoop.
Uncle Mac: I can't remember who you people are.
Lucy: So how the fuck are you two idiots and this senile old man going to raise all that money?
Jock: We could set up a kissing booth!
(Studio audience cheer!)
DJ: Yeah, charge one dollar a kiss!
Lucy: As if anyone would pay to kiss either of you!
Jock: Oh, we wouldn't be in the booth. YOU would be!
(Studio audience explode at this twist.)
Lucy: What!? But you said we need two hundred thousand dollars. At a dollar a kiss, that's...
DJ: Five million kisses!
(Studio audience howl. He can't do math!)
Lucy: There's no way I'm kissing two hundred thousand strangers for you guys! NO FUCKDAMN WAY.
(TEN MINUTES LATER flashes up on screen. There is a booth with "KISSING BOOTH" written on it set up and a big line of men waiting for their kiss.)
Lucy: My lips are sore!
Jock: Keep it up, you're doing great!
Uncle Mac: Can I get a kiss, Sally?
(She pushes Uncle Mac over and he bangs his head and is knocked unconscious. No one notices or cares.)
DJ: Here's your next costumer...and he's wearing a disguis! Maybe it's BRAD PITT!
Lucy: Ooooh, Brad Pitt!
Jock: Kiss him good!
(A man in a DISGUISE steps into the private kissing booth with Lucy. He pulls his fake beard off to reveal BARRY BLACKMAN.)
Lucy: It's you!
Barry: Come along to this kissing booth was the only way to get you to talk to me! I've missed you so much! Please, can't we try again?
Lucy: I don't like liars...
Barry: I'm a good person, I promise! My ex girlfirend, she was SUPER RICH and left me TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS when she died, but I haven't even spent it out of guilt! That story proves I'm a good guy!
(Jock and DJ stick their heads into the booth.)
Jock and DJ: Did you say "two hundred thousand dollars", NEW BEST FRIEND BARRY?
(Studio audience literally die of laughter.)
TO BE CONTINUED
DJ: How much money do we need, man?
Jock: TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!
DJ: Wow, we lost a lot of money real fast.
Jock: No one wants their cat cleaned!
(Lucy returns.)
Lucy: What are you idiots talking about?
Jock: We need to raise two hundred grand to stop Roger Blackman from buying Cat Cleaners!
Lucy: Right. Because if he bought it, that would be bad, because...you wouldn't be working in a place that's two hundred thousand dollars in debt?
Jock: You don't get it! He's EVIL He's probably train the cats to kill people!
DJ: There are no depths to which he will not stoop.
Uncle Mac: I can't remember who you people are.
Lucy: So how the fuck are you two idiots and this senile old man going to raise all that money?
Jock: We could set up a kissing booth!
(Studio audience cheer!)
DJ: Yeah, charge one dollar a kiss!
Lucy: As if anyone would pay to kiss either of you!
Jock: Oh, we wouldn't be in the booth. YOU would be!
(Studio audience explode at this twist.)
Lucy: What!? But you said we need two hundred thousand dollars. At a dollar a kiss, that's...
DJ: Five million kisses!
(Studio audience howl. He can't do math!)
Lucy: There's no way I'm kissing two hundred thousand strangers for you guys! NO FUCKDAMN WAY.
(TEN MINUTES LATER flashes up on screen. There is a booth with "KISSING BOOTH" written on it set up and a big line of men waiting for their kiss.)
Lucy: My lips are sore!
Jock: Keep it up, you're doing great!
Uncle Mac: Can I get a kiss, Sally?
(She pushes Uncle Mac over and he bangs his head and is knocked unconscious. No one notices or cares.)
DJ: Here's your next costumer...and he's wearing a disguis! Maybe it's BRAD PITT!
Lucy: Ooooh, Brad Pitt!
Jock: Kiss him good!
(A man in a DISGUISE steps into the private kissing booth with Lucy. He pulls his fake beard off to reveal BARRY BLACKMAN.)
Lucy: It's you!
Barry: Come along to this kissing booth was the only way to get you to talk to me! I've missed you so much! Please, can't we try again?
Lucy: I don't like liars...
Barry: I'm a good person, I promise! My ex girlfirend, she was SUPER RICH and left me TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS when she died, but I haven't even spent it out of guilt! That story proves I'm a good guy!
(Jock and DJ stick their heads into the booth.)
Jock and DJ: Did you say "two hundred thousand dollars", NEW BEST FRIEND BARRY?
(Studio audience literally die of laughter.)
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
If you were on IMDB you'd be starting the "Roger Blackman is MISUNDERSTOOD part 48!" thread right now and getting angry at me for writing him "wrong".
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jock, DJ, Lucy and Barry are in the STOREROOM.)
DJ: We can talk privately in here.
Barry: What do you guys want to talk about?
Lucy: Yeah, what the fuck, guys?
Jock: We need two hundred thousand dollars to pay off the bank. You HAVE two hundred thousand dollars. It's perfect!
Barry: How is it perfect?
DJ: You can pay off the bank and come into business with us!
Barry: But...why would I want to? This shop is stupid. It would be a total waste of money!
Jock: You're just saying that because Roger Blackman is your uncle!
Barry: No, I'm being serious, this really is a stupid shop and I don't want anything to do with it.
DJ: Man, Roger Blackman's done a number on you!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Lucy: Shut up, you idiots! Barry, I'm sorry about this.
Barry: That's okay. Hey, maybe we could catch some dinner...
Lucy: I'd love that! I'd love to!
Barry: Well it's...oh no, I forgot about the girl I have back at my place!
Lucy: WAH!?
Barry: Oh, it's not romantic, she's just a victim...I mean, the gasman. That's who she is. The gasman's waiting at my place.
Lucy: But how can a girl be the gasMAN?
Barry: ...got to run!
(He runs away.)
Lucy: DAMN IT. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT JERK EVER AGAIN.
Jock: Well, it's obvious what we have to do now...
Lucy: Yeah, forget that JERK ever came here.
Jock: No...we hypnotise him!
(Studio audience applaud.)
Lucy: WHAT!?
Jock: We hypnotise him into being our friend and giving us the money!
DJ: Great idea, dude!
Lucy: YOU TWO COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORONS. IF I DON'T COME INTO WORK TOMORROW, IT'S BECAUSE I'VE KILLED MYSELF RATHER THAN CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY.
(She storms out.)
DJ: Someone's on her period!
(Studio audience woooooo!)
Jock: Never mind that, I just happen to have a book on hypnotism RIGHT HERE.
(He pulls a book on hypnotism out of his pants somehow.)
DJ: You mean you don't know how to hypnotise people?
Jock: Not yet, but how hard can it be! Let's just see what it says on page one..."look into my eyes. You are very sleepy."
DJ(fully hypnotised): I am very sleepy.
Jock: I didn't mean to do that! At least I didn't command you to KISS ME or anything!
DJ(hypnoitised): Must...kiss...Jock...
(DJ starts trying to kiss Jock as the studio audience pee themselves with laughter and you can see some of the urine seeping onto the stage.)
Jock: STOP, STOP!
(Uncle Mac walks in.)
Uncle Mac: Oh my God, DJ's a homo! Well they taught me how to deal with his sort in Vietnam!
(He pulls his AXE out of his pants and approaches DJ!)
TO BE CONTINUED
DJ: We can talk privately in here.
Barry: What do you guys want to talk about?
Lucy: Yeah, what the fuck, guys?
Jock: We need two hundred thousand dollars to pay off the bank. You HAVE two hundred thousand dollars. It's perfect!
Barry: How is it perfect?
DJ: You can pay off the bank and come into business with us!
Barry: But...why would I want to? This shop is stupid. It would be a total waste of money!
Jock: You're just saying that because Roger Blackman is your uncle!
Barry: No, I'm being serious, this really is a stupid shop and I don't want anything to do with it.
DJ: Man, Roger Blackman's done a number on you!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Lucy: Shut up, you idiots! Barry, I'm sorry about this.
Barry: That's okay. Hey, maybe we could catch some dinner...
Lucy: I'd love that! I'd love to!
Barry: Well it's...oh no, I forgot about the girl I have back at my place!
Lucy: WAH!?
Barry: Oh, it's not romantic, she's just a victim...I mean, the gasman. That's who she is. The gasman's waiting at my place.
Lucy: But how can a girl be the gasMAN?
Barry: ...got to run!
(He runs away.)
Lucy: DAMN IT. I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT JERK EVER AGAIN.
Jock: Well, it's obvious what we have to do now...
Lucy: Yeah, forget that JERK ever came here.
Jock: No...we hypnotise him!
(Studio audience applaud.)
Lucy: WHAT!?
Jock: We hypnotise him into being our friend and giving us the money!
DJ: Great idea, dude!
Lucy: YOU TWO COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING MORONS. IF I DON'T COME INTO WORK TOMORROW, IT'S BECAUSE I'VE KILLED MYSELF RATHER THAN CONTINUE TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY.
(She storms out.)
DJ: Someone's on her period!
(Studio audience woooooo!)
Jock: Never mind that, I just happen to have a book on hypnotism RIGHT HERE.
(He pulls a book on hypnotism out of his pants somehow.)
DJ: You mean you don't know how to hypnotise people?
Jock: Not yet, but how hard can it be! Let's just see what it says on page one..."look into my eyes. You are very sleepy."
DJ(fully hypnotised): I am very sleepy.
Jock: I didn't mean to do that! At least I didn't command you to KISS ME or anything!
DJ(hypnoitised): Must...kiss...Jock...
(DJ starts trying to kiss Jock as the studio audience pee themselves with laughter and you can see some of the urine seeping onto the stage.)
Jock: STOP, STOP!
(Uncle Mac walks in.)
Uncle Mac: Oh my God, DJ's a homo! Well they taught me how to deal with his sort in Vietnam!
(He pulls his AXE out of his pants and approaches DJ!)
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Uncle Mac approaches the hypnotised gay DJ with his axe.)
Jock: Uncle Mac, no! He's not gay!
DJ(humping Jock's leg): Yes, Jock, yes! I LOVE COCK!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Uncle Mac: MUST...KILLL...
Jock: He's just hypnotised into being gay!
DJ: NO, don't deny our love! We can get married in New York now!
(Studio audience are all crying with laughter.)
Jock: See, there's a book on hypnotism right there! Underneath all the semen!
Uncle Mac: Hmm, that is a book on hypnotism underneath all the semen. Sorry, DJ.
DJ: God I want your ass bad.
Jock: Snap out of it!
DJ: Snap!? That's the trigger word! I'm back to normal now! Why is my dick in your ear?
Jock: Get it out of there!
Uncle Mac: I'm so sorry...
Jock: What happened, Uncle Mac? You know it's illegal to hate gays these days!
Uncle Mac: I know, I know...it's just...it was drilled into us. In the army. I never had a problem with gays before then. But they just repeated it and repeated it...I had to say I hated gays. I had to. And eventually...I started to believe it. They'd beat the shit out of you if you showed any sign of gayness. I ended up joining in with those beatings, so eager I was to prove myself a man. You don't understand! It was institutional! It was either hate gays or...there was one guy. Little Jimmy. He was a friend of mine. I liked him. He was a queer. I caught him checking out one of the guys once, made a joke about it...they took my seriously. And Jimmy wouldn't deny it. He was so proud. We...we were in a helicopter with him. They beat him so bad. He tried not to cry. I just watched but then...they told me to throw him out. Over the jungle. Throw him to his death. What could I do? WHAT COULD I DO? If I hadn't have done it, they'd have thrown me out. Charlie would have killed me if the fall hadn't. I...I murdered Jimmy. My friend. Just because he was gay. I think about it ever day. Oh God I hate myself so much. Why can't I just die. Why can't I just die.
Jock: Oh Uncle Mac, you and your stories!
(Jock and DJ start dancig for some reason as the studio audience applaud and Uncle Mac stars into the distance, nothing behind his eyes.)
TO BE CONTINUED
Jock: Uncle Mac, no! He's not gay!
DJ(humping Jock's leg): Yes, Jock, yes! I LOVE COCK!
(Studio audience laugh.)
Uncle Mac: MUST...KILLL...
Jock: He's just hypnotised into being gay!
DJ: NO, don't deny our love! We can get married in New York now!
(Studio audience are all crying with laughter.)
Jock: See, there's a book on hypnotism right there! Underneath all the semen!
Uncle Mac: Hmm, that is a book on hypnotism underneath all the semen. Sorry, DJ.
DJ: God I want your ass bad.
Jock: Snap out of it!
DJ: Snap!? That's the trigger word! I'm back to normal now! Why is my dick in your ear?
Jock: Get it out of there!
Uncle Mac: I'm so sorry...
Jock: What happened, Uncle Mac? You know it's illegal to hate gays these days!
Uncle Mac: I know, I know...it's just...it was drilled into us. In the army. I never had a problem with gays before then. But they just repeated it and repeated it...I had to say I hated gays. I had to. And eventually...I started to believe it. They'd beat the shit out of you if you showed any sign of gayness. I ended up joining in with those beatings, so eager I was to prove myself a man. You don't understand! It was institutional! It was either hate gays or...there was one guy. Little Jimmy. He was a friend of mine. I liked him. He was a queer. I caught him checking out one of the guys once, made a joke about it...they took my seriously. And Jimmy wouldn't deny it. He was so proud. We...we were in a helicopter with him. They beat him so bad. He tried not to cry. I just watched but then...they told me to throw him out. Over the jungle. Throw him to his death. What could I do? WHAT COULD I DO? If I hadn't have done it, they'd have thrown me out. Charlie would have killed me if the fall hadn't. I...I murdered Jimmy. My friend. Just because he was gay. I think about it ever day. Oh God I hate myself so much. Why can't I just die. Why can't I just die.
Jock: Oh Uncle Mac, you and your stories!
(Jock and DJ start dancig for some reason as the studio audience applaud and Uncle Mac stars into the distance, nothing behind his eyes.)
TO BE CONTINUED
Homo Erectus
Registered User
I wonder if I knew Uncle Mac when I was in.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(The next day. Jock and DJ are in Cat Cleaners.)
Jock: Do you think Lucy's ever coming back? She seemed pretty mad, and her shift has started and she's not here...
DJ: Man, forget about Lucy! If we don't raise two hundred grand in six days, Roger Blackman will own Cat Cleaners!
Jock: Hey, where's Uncle Mac?
(DJ slaps Jock. Hard. Studio audience laugh.)
DJ: Stop getting distracted, man! We need money! AND HOW!
Jock: You're right, you're right. Maybe we could rob a bank?
DJ: Yo, that's whack!
Jock: I know, I know. I'm getting desperate!
Voice: HOMIE, YOU KNOW NUTHIN' ABOUT DESPERATE!
(Jock and DJ SPIN ROUND. A STEREOTYPICAL BLACK GANGERS is standing there. Studio audience gasp.)
DJ: Oh no!
Gangster: What's up, BRUV?
Jock: Is he using that idiomatically or is he your brother?
Gangster: Don't be using no BIGASS white people BOOK WORDS with me, homie!
DJ: This is my brother, X-Vid.
Jock: Ooooh, like the file format!
X: Man, you on CRACK, cracka! Just call me X. Like my man Malcolm, you feel me?
DJ: What are you doing here, bro?
X: Man, can't a cupcakea drop into his brother's place of work? Man, this is a NICEASS PLACE. It's all FANCY AND SHIT. Man, you doin' pretty well for yourself. Almost like you a SELLOUT.
DJ: Hey, I ain't no sellout!
X: You sure, brah? You SURE you ain't forgetten your roots?
DJ: I ain't forgotten!
X: Man, yo ass betta PROVE IT, DAWG! I need some HARD CASH, MAN.
DJ: What for?
X: Man, I ain't tellin' you SQUAT in case you NARC, like your WHITE FRIEND HERE would.
DJ: We need two hundred thousand dollars ourselves, I can't give you money!
X: Man, you really have changed! I got some HEAVY DUTY MENS after my ass!
Jock: Maybe if you worked here you could help us and we could help you...
X: Man, get off my DICK, man! I ain't workin' nowhere! That's for SUCKAS! You betta give me my money, DJ! You owe me! I'll give you...SIX DAYS!
(He storms out.)
Jock: Man! I knew you came from a rought background, but I had no idea it was that bad! You really did well for yourself, not ending up like him!
DJ: How did you know I came from a rough background?
Jock: Well...you're black.
(Studio audience "ooooooh!")
DJ: I came from a nice family! I don't know what's happened to X! Last I knew, he was studying to be an actor!
Jock: Well, he's on drugs or rap music or something now!
(Uncle Mac walks by with his axe.)
Jock: No, Uncle Mac, I told you, DJ isn't gay, don't kill him!
Uncle Mac: I'm not going to kill him, Jock.
Jock: That's a relief! Who are you going to kill?
Uncle Mac: Roger Blackman. I'm finally going to be a man again, Jock. Like I used to be. I'm gonig to chop his fucking head off. I'll solve all our problems in one killing blow.
Jock: That's...great! He won't be able to buy Cat Cleaners if he's dead! Kill him good!
(Studio Audience cheer as Uncle Mac walks out.)
DJ: ...are you fucking retarded? No wonder Lucy left!
(Studio audience cheer.)
TO BE CONTINUED
Jock: Do you think Lucy's ever coming back? She seemed pretty mad, and her shift has started and she's not here...
DJ: Man, forget about Lucy! If we don't raise two hundred grand in six days, Roger Blackman will own Cat Cleaners!
Jock: Hey, where's Uncle Mac?
(DJ slaps Jock. Hard. Studio audience laugh.)
DJ: Stop getting distracted, man! We need money! AND HOW!
Jock: You're right, you're right. Maybe we could rob a bank?
DJ: Yo, that's whack!
Jock: I know, I know. I'm getting desperate!
Voice: HOMIE, YOU KNOW NUTHIN' ABOUT DESPERATE!
(Jock and DJ SPIN ROUND. A STEREOTYPICAL BLACK GANGERS is standing there. Studio audience gasp.)
DJ: Oh no!
Gangster: What's up, BRUV?
Jock: Is he using that idiomatically or is he your brother?
Gangster: Don't be using no BIGASS white people BOOK WORDS with me, homie!
DJ: This is my brother, X-Vid.
Jock: Ooooh, like the file format!
X: Man, you on CRACK, cracka! Just call me X. Like my man Malcolm, you feel me?
DJ: What are you doing here, bro?
X: Man, can't a cupcakea drop into his brother's place of work? Man, this is a NICEASS PLACE. It's all FANCY AND SHIT. Man, you doin' pretty well for yourself. Almost like you a SELLOUT.
DJ: Hey, I ain't no sellout!
X: You sure, brah? You SURE you ain't forgetten your roots?
DJ: I ain't forgotten!
X: Man, yo ass betta PROVE IT, DAWG! I need some HARD CASH, MAN.
DJ: What for?
X: Man, I ain't tellin' you SQUAT in case you NARC, like your WHITE FRIEND HERE would.
DJ: We need two hundred thousand dollars ourselves, I can't give you money!
X: Man, you really have changed! I got some HEAVY DUTY MENS after my ass!
Jock: Maybe if you worked here you could help us and we could help you...
X: Man, get off my DICK, man! I ain't workin' nowhere! That's for SUCKAS! You betta give me my money, DJ! You owe me! I'll give you...SIX DAYS!
(He storms out.)
Jock: Man! I knew you came from a rought background, but I had no idea it was that bad! You really did well for yourself, not ending up like him!
DJ: How did you know I came from a rough background?
Jock: Well...you're black.
(Studio audience "ooooooh!")
DJ: I came from a nice family! I don't know what's happened to X! Last I knew, he was studying to be an actor!
Jock: Well, he's on drugs or rap music or something now!
(Uncle Mac walks by with his axe.)
Jock: No, Uncle Mac, I told you, DJ isn't gay, don't kill him!
Uncle Mac: I'm not going to kill him, Jock.
Jock: That's a relief! Who are you going to kill?
Uncle Mac: Roger Blackman. I'm finally going to be a man again, Jock. Like I used to be. I'm gonig to chop his fucking head off. I'll solve all our problems in one killing blow.
Jock: That's...great! He won't be able to buy Cat Cleaners if he's dead! Kill him good!
(Studio Audience cheer as Uncle Mac walks out.)
DJ: ...are you fucking retarded? No wonder Lucy left!
(Studio audience cheer.)
TO BE CONTINUED