CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Jack, Hurley, Sun and Frank are walking through the jungle towards Fake Locke's beach camp.)
Jack: Wait...why are we going here again?
Hurley: Michael's ghost told us to, dude.
Jack: But a few days ago you said Richard's dead wife's ghost told us to stop the Smoke Monster leaving the island.
Hurley: Yeah. I guess we don't have to do that anymore, dude.
Jack: Why not?
Hurley: Michael told us to come here!
Jack: Why believe him over Richard's dead wife? And why do you always do what ghosts tell you to anyway?
Hurley: Ghosts are scary, dude!
(They emerge out of the bushes and find Locke, Sawyer, Sayid, Kate, Claire and all those other people who are obviously going to die soon.)
Hurley: Hi!
Locke: So you came to me. Just as I predicted!
Jack: You look just like him.
Locke: Yes I look just like John Locke BUT I AM IN FACT THE SMOKE MONSTER in the form of John Locke AND I CAN ONLY TURN INTO DEAD PEOPLE WHOSE BODIES ARE ON THE ISLAND. Yes.
Jack: Yeah, I know, Nikki's ghost told Hurley and he told me...why did you explain again?
Locke: Well you see there was a cool moment in the season opener where I killed Bram and those other randoms in my smoke form, then walked back into the room as Locke and said "I'm sorry you had to see me like that" to Ben. That was supposed to make it obvious I was the Smoke Monster. But idiots on IMDB posted things like "WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE THE SMOKE MONSTER TURN INTO LOCKE, MAYBE IT'S NOT HIM!" so now I have to explicitly explain to every character I meet that, yes, I am the Smoke Monster. So that the slower viewers understand. Done it about five times now.
Jack: That must be annoying for you.
Locke: Seriously! Imagine all the other answers I could have given if I didn't have to keep explaining that really obvious fact!
Jack: So, answers then...why do you want to leave the island?
Locke: I want to leave the island.
Jack: Yes, but why...
Locke: I want to leave the island and go home.
Jack: Where's home?
Locke: It's off the island.
Jack: ARGH. Hurley, just ask Jacob's ghost for answers.
Hurley: It doesn't work that way, dude.
Jack: He told Ilana about us being candidates, he gives some answers sometimes!
Hurley: Yeah, he told her so she could tell us. Then blow up.
Jack: So why not just tell us directly and skip the part where a young woman is blown up for no apparent reason?
Hurley: It doesn't work that way, dude. Jacob never interferes directly.
Jack: Yes he does! He told you directly to bring Sayid to the Temple. He told me and you to go to the lighthouss so we wouldn't be in the Temple when the Smoke Monster attacked...
Locke: Hi!
Jack: Yeah, hi. SO WHY NOT JUST TELL US WHAT TO DO? AND WHAT THE FUCK BEING A CANDIDATE MEANS AND HOW EXACTLY IT IS DECIDED WHICH ONE OF US BECOMES THE NEW JACOB AND WHO DOES THE DECIDING?
Hurley: ...it doesn't work that way, dude.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
(MEANWHILE, Miles, Richard and Ben arrived at The Barracks.)
Miles: Hey Ben, did anyone actually tell you that Juliet died?
Ben: Oh, yes, someone did at some point, I'm sure.
Miles: Weren't you two friends? Weren't you actually obsessed with her and you kept her on the island for years just to get her to sleep with you? Shouldn't you have been a bit upset to learn that she died?
Ben: Nah!
Miles: Fair enough. So, back home at The Barracks, huh.
Richard: Yes. I remember when Ben and I murdered dozens of people here. Good times.
Miles: Wait, so who actually ordered the Purge anyway? Was it you or Widmore?
Ben: It wasn't me!
(DOCTOR CHANG'S ghost appears.)
Miles: Dad! It makes sense that your ghost would appear to me here in the place where you died! Of course, I was here in season four as well and no ghosts appeared to me...
Chang: That's because I didn't want to ruin the surprise of me being your father! And also ghosts don't actually appear to you, Wacky just forgot how your powers work.
Miles: Oh, right. So, who ordered the purge?
Chang: It wasn't Widmore!
(Miles SHOOTS BEN IN THE GUT.)
Miles: Die you bastard.
Chang: ...it wasn't Widmore OR Ben. It was Eloise Hawking for some reason!
Miles: Oh...sorry, Ben.
Ben: It's okay, I nearly die all the time!
(Meanwhile, back at the beach, everyone is asking questions.)
Sawyer: So wait, if Dharma died in 1992, who air-dropped the food package on the island?
Locke: ...do you actually care?
Sawyer: Of course not, I ain't no internet nerd!
(Sawyer grabs Kate and kisses her.)
Sun(written on a card): So that's who she chooses!
(But while kissing Sawyer, Kate secretly wanks off Jack as well!)
Frank: Don't you guys get kind of sick of being moved around like puppets, not actually making any choices for yourselves even though you're the main characters on the show? I mean, I know things will get good again soon, and lots of characters will die, and I'll probably be one of them let's face it, and there will be soft piano music and it'll be really sad but then right at the end of the episode there will be some shocking twist like Kate being a robot or something and everyone will remember why this show's so great...but aren't these episodes where we just walk around the jungle not knowing what we're doing because some random ghost told Hurley to tell us to do so a bit annoying?
Jack(making an orgasm Jackface): OH GOD YES...
Locke: Still better than Heroes though!
(Everyone laughs.)
Kate: Remember that horse I saw?
Desmond(climing out of a well): How come if Radinzky lived on the island for years and worked for Dharma, we had to keep going out and mapping the place and he wasnt sure of the locations of most of the stations on the Blast Door map?
Sayid: How did the others manage to send a message to Michael on the computer in the Swan station?
(Everyone looks at him.)
Sayid: What? Just because I'm evil now doesn't mean I don't think about these things!
Claire: Ooh, I thought of one! Why did you take me to the cabin and leave me crazy in the woods for years anyway, Locke? Why did you need me?
(Frank looks Claire up and down and smiles.)
Franke: Sister, I can think of a few uses for you!
(Everyone laughs at Frank's perviness. But then he is suddenly SHOT IN THE NECK. A WILD looking man smoking a ciagarette walks out of the jungle.)
Hurley: Who the shit are you!?
Cigarette Man: REMEMBER IN SEASON TWO OR THREE, YEAH I THINK IT WAS THREE, WHEN LOCKE GOT INTO THE PEARL STATION FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THERE WAS A RECENTLY SMOKED CIGARETTE IN THE ASHTRAY, SUGGESTING THAT SOMEONE WAS STILL STATIONED IN THE PEARL, BUT NO ONE EVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN AND WE NEVER FOUND OUT WHO HAD SMOKED THAT CIGARETTE? THAT WAS ME! I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU GUYS FROM THE PEARL ALL ALONG! IT WAS ALSO ME WHO PUT A GLASS EYE AND PART OF THE ORIENTATION FILM IN THE ARROW STATION, JUST GO CLEAR THAT UP, BY THE WAY. I'M THE REAL GOOD GUY AND FRANK WAS ACTUALLY EVIL! AND NOW I HAVE ANSWERS FOR YOU ALL...
Hurley: It's true, Paulo's ghost just told me so!
(Sawyer shoots Cigarette man.)
Hurley: Dude!
Sawyer: Paulo lies.
(MEANWHILE, Widmore is on the Hydra Island chopping up the bodies of the Aljira survivors and cackling like a maniac. Zoe walks over to him.)
Zoe: Err, what are you doing, sir?
Widmore: HAHAHAHA, isn't it obvious? I'm chopping all these pople up and then I'm going to can them and put food lables on them! Then I'm going to fly the plane through a time bubble that has just opened up above us and airdrop the food back in season two! That's right, all that dharma food was actually the aljira passengers in cans! HAHAHAHAHA! That's my true goal here!
Zoe: So you DID kill these people!
Widmore: No, the cigarette guy from the Pearl station did. He was actually evil! Sawyer was right!
Zoe: Sir...are you good or evil? I really should have asked before I took this job.
Widmore(chopping up a baby): I don't even know!
LOST
Jack: Wait...why are we going here again?
Hurley: Michael's ghost told us to, dude.
Jack: But a few days ago you said Richard's dead wife's ghost told us to stop the Smoke Monster leaving the island.
Hurley: Yeah. I guess we don't have to do that anymore, dude.
Jack: Why not?
Hurley: Michael told us to come here!
Jack: Why believe him over Richard's dead wife? And why do you always do what ghosts tell you to anyway?
Hurley: Ghosts are scary, dude!
(They emerge out of the bushes and find Locke, Sawyer, Sayid, Kate, Claire and all those other people who are obviously going to die soon.)
Hurley: Hi!
Locke: So you came to me. Just as I predicted!
Jack: You look just like him.
Locke: Yes I look just like John Locke BUT I AM IN FACT THE SMOKE MONSTER in the form of John Locke AND I CAN ONLY TURN INTO DEAD PEOPLE WHOSE BODIES ARE ON THE ISLAND. Yes.
Jack: Yeah, I know, Nikki's ghost told Hurley and he told me...why did you explain again?
Locke: Well you see there was a cool moment in the season opener where I killed Bram and those other randoms in my smoke form, then walked back into the room as Locke and said "I'm sorry you had to see me like that" to Ben. That was supposed to make it obvious I was the Smoke Monster. But idiots on IMDB posted things like "WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE THE SMOKE MONSTER TURN INTO LOCKE, MAYBE IT'S NOT HIM!" so now I have to explicitly explain to every character I meet that, yes, I am the Smoke Monster. So that the slower viewers understand. Done it about five times now.
Jack: That must be annoying for you.
Locke: Seriously! Imagine all the other answers I could have given if I didn't have to keep explaining that really obvious fact!
Jack: So, answers then...why do you want to leave the island?
Locke: I want to leave the island.
Jack: Yes, but why...
Locke: I want to leave the island and go home.
Jack: Where's home?
Locke: It's off the island.
Jack: ARGH. Hurley, just ask Jacob's ghost for answers.
Hurley: It doesn't work that way, dude.
Jack: He told Ilana about us being candidates, he gives some answers sometimes!
Hurley: Yeah, he told her so she could tell us. Then blow up.
Jack: So why not just tell us directly and skip the part where a young woman is blown up for no apparent reason?
Hurley: It doesn't work that way, dude. Jacob never interferes directly.
Jack: Yes he does! He told you directly to bring Sayid to the Temple. He told me and you to go to the lighthouss so we wouldn't be in the Temple when the Smoke Monster attacked...
Locke: Hi!
Jack: Yeah, hi. SO WHY NOT JUST TELL US WHAT TO DO? AND WHAT THE FUCK BEING A CANDIDATE MEANS AND HOW EXACTLY IT IS DECIDED WHICH ONE OF US BECOMES THE NEW JACOB AND WHO DOES THE DECIDING?
Hurley: ...it doesn't work that way, dude.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch!
(MEANWHILE, Miles, Richard and Ben arrived at The Barracks.)
Miles: Hey Ben, did anyone actually tell you that Juliet died?
Ben: Oh, yes, someone did at some point, I'm sure.
Miles: Weren't you two friends? Weren't you actually obsessed with her and you kept her on the island for years just to get her to sleep with you? Shouldn't you have been a bit upset to learn that she died?
Ben: Nah!
Miles: Fair enough. So, back home at The Barracks, huh.
Richard: Yes. I remember when Ben and I murdered dozens of people here. Good times.
Miles: Wait, so who actually ordered the Purge anyway? Was it you or Widmore?
Ben: It wasn't me!
(DOCTOR CHANG'S ghost appears.)
Miles: Dad! It makes sense that your ghost would appear to me here in the place where you died! Of course, I was here in season four as well and no ghosts appeared to me...
Chang: That's because I didn't want to ruin the surprise of me being your father! And also ghosts don't actually appear to you, Wacky just forgot how your powers work.
Miles: Oh, right. So, who ordered the purge?
Chang: It wasn't Widmore!
(Miles SHOOTS BEN IN THE GUT.)
Miles: Die you bastard.
Chang: ...it wasn't Widmore OR Ben. It was Eloise Hawking for some reason!
Miles: Oh...sorry, Ben.
Ben: It's okay, I nearly die all the time!
(Meanwhile, back at the beach, everyone is asking questions.)
Sawyer: So wait, if Dharma died in 1992, who air-dropped the food package on the island?
Locke: ...do you actually care?
Sawyer: Of course not, I ain't no internet nerd!
(Sawyer grabs Kate and kisses her.)
Sun(written on a card): So that's who she chooses!
(But while kissing Sawyer, Kate secretly wanks off Jack as well!)
Frank: Don't you guys get kind of sick of being moved around like puppets, not actually making any choices for yourselves even though you're the main characters on the show? I mean, I know things will get good again soon, and lots of characters will die, and I'll probably be one of them let's face it, and there will be soft piano music and it'll be really sad but then right at the end of the episode there will be some shocking twist like Kate being a robot or something and everyone will remember why this show's so great...but aren't these episodes where we just walk around the jungle not knowing what we're doing because some random ghost told Hurley to tell us to do so a bit annoying?
Jack(making an orgasm Jackface): OH GOD YES...
Locke: Still better than Heroes though!
(Everyone laughs.)
Kate: Remember that horse I saw?
Desmond(climing out of a well): How come if Radinzky lived on the island for years and worked for Dharma, we had to keep going out and mapping the place and he wasnt sure of the locations of most of the stations on the Blast Door map?
Sayid: How did the others manage to send a message to Michael on the computer in the Swan station?
(Everyone looks at him.)
Sayid: What? Just because I'm evil now doesn't mean I don't think about these things!
Claire: Ooh, I thought of one! Why did you take me to the cabin and leave me crazy in the woods for years anyway, Locke? Why did you need me?
(Frank looks Claire up and down and smiles.)
Franke: Sister, I can think of a few uses for you!
(Everyone laughs at Frank's perviness. But then he is suddenly SHOT IN THE NECK. A WILD looking man smoking a ciagarette walks out of the jungle.)
Hurley: Who the shit are you!?
Cigarette Man: REMEMBER IN SEASON TWO OR THREE, YEAH I THINK IT WAS THREE, WHEN LOCKE GOT INTO THE PEARL STATION FOR THE FIRST TIME AND THERE WAS A RECENTLY SMOKED CIGARETTE IN THE ASHTRAY, SUGGESTING THAT SOMEONE WAS STILL STATIONED IN THE PEARL, BUT NO ONE EVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN AND WE NEVER FOUND OUT WHO HAD SMOKED THAT CIGARETTE? THAT WAS ME! I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU GUYS FROM THE PEARL ALL ALONG! IT WAS ALSO ME WHO PUT A GLASS EYE AND PART OF THE ORIENTATION FILM IN THE ARROW STATION, JUST GO CLEAR THAT UP, BY THE WAY. I'M THE REAL GOOD GUY AND FRANK WAS ACTUALLY EVIL! AND NOW I HAVE ANSWERS FOR YOU ALL...
Hurley: It's true, Paulo's ghost just told me so!
(Sawyer shoots Cigarette man.)
Hurley: Dude!
Sawyer: Paulo lies.
(MEANWHILE, Widmore is on the Hydra Island chopping up the bodies of the Aljira survivors and cackling like a maniac. Zoe walks over to him.)
Zoe: Err, what are you doing, sir?
Widmore: HAHAHAHA, isn't it obvious? I'm chopping all these pople up and then I'm going to can them and put food lables on them! Then I'm going to fly the plane through a time bubble that has just opened up above us and airdrop the food back in season two! That's right, all that dharma food was actually the aljira passengers in cans! HAHAHAHAHA! That's my true goal here!
Zoe: So you DID kill these people!
Widmore: No, the cigarette guy from the Pearl station did. He was actually evil! Sawyer was right!
Zoe: Sir...are you good or evil? I really should have asked before I took this job.
Widmore(chopping up a baby): I don't even know!
LOST
