Freestyle Torchwood Season Four

[CaptainWacky]

(Captain Jack, Gwen and Rhys arrive at the new AMERICAN Torchwood Hub which is located underneath the HOLLYWOOD sign. Rhys is now played by a different actor and is handome, fit and speaks with an English accent.)

Gwen: Well. 'ere we are.

Jack: Feels like coming home...while also at the same time feeling nothing like that at all.

Gwen: 'ere, I 'ear that, love! What do you think, Rhys?

Rhys: I say, it appears to be a spiffing marvelous facility, what what!

(Jack takes Gwen to one side.)

Jack: Err, what happened to Rhys, exactly? I was off boffing big-eared boys in space, so please fill me in. And not the way I filled those boys in!

Gwen: I don't know, love! But I'm sure it'll come up in the course of our adventures!

Jack: I'm sure a lot of things will come up...if you know what I mean.

(Gwen purposely rubs her ass against Jack's crotch as she turns back to Rhys.)

Gwen: Let's go inside, love!

Rhys: Jolly good!

(They head inside the STATE OF THE ART FACILITY that looks exaclty like the Swan Station from Lost. CIA agents Rex Matheson, Esther Katusi and Eval Fraud are waiting inside.)

Rex: What kept you?

(Jack looks Rex up and down.)

Jack: The plane, but I wish it had been you...

Esther: Was that a sexual remark? In the workplace?

(Jack looks Esther up and down.)

Jack: I'll do more than remark on YOU sexually in the workplace!

Esther: What!? Eww!

Eval: Calm down, we were warned about him! This most be Gwen...

Gwen: 'ere!

Eval: ...and Rhys.

Rhys: Cheerio old bean!

Eval: Ha! That native welsh wit! I think I'm going to like working with you guys!

Rex: I'm not.

Esther: Me either.

Jack: Well you won't be working with me...you'll be working UNDER me. If you know what I mean...

Esther: Fuck's sake!

Rex: Listen up, Harkness, you son of a bitch! You think you can just come over to here, America, and boss us around, you limey hat-wearer?

Jack: Hey, I'm American too.

Rex: ...what? But...you're from the 51st century. You grew up on another planet. A place called Bo. You lived in Wales working for Torchwood for a hundred years. How the FUCK did you end up with an American accent?

Jack: I guess I slept with an american once and it stuck!

Rex: GAAAAAH!

Esther: Look, I hate this pervert too, but we have to work together!

Eval: That's right, there's a SERIAL KILLER on the loose and he's using ALIEN WEAPONS.

Gwen: Who is it?

Eval: That's easy...IT'S ACTUALLY ME.

(Eval's eyes turns RED for some reason and he pulls an alien sword out of his pants.)

Eval: I was the serial killer all along and I used technology I stole from Torchwood to do it! HAHAHAHA!

Jack: Damn, you killed seventeen babies!

Eval: All because of Torchwood, you cunt!

(Eval stabs Jack through the heart with his alien sword. Gwen and Rhys look at each other then start laughing.)

Eval: What's so funny? I killed your pervy boss!

(Jack jumps back up.)

Jack: Actually, I can't die! I always come back! But thanks for doing that, it re-introducers the concept to the audience! In fact the viewers know I'll live for billions of years and end up being a big head in a jar!

Eval: A main character who the audience know will never die? That's fucking stupid!

Jack: Don't worry, we kill off lots of secondary characters in SHOCKING WAYS to make-up for it. SHOOT HIM NOW, ESTHER!

Esther: But I have no field experience! I...I can't!

(Rex pulls an alien bazooka out of his pants and blows Eval's head off. He then slaps Esther.)

Rex: YOU CHOCKED, YOU STUPID BITCH.

Esther: I'm sorry!

Jack: Back off, soldier!

(Jack punches Rex out and helps Esther up.)

Jack: I'll give you something pleasant to choke on, babe.

Esther: I'm warming to you!

Rex: You think this is over? There are LOTS of serial killers using alien weapons they probably stole from Torchwood running around this mean city!

Gwen: Oh no! But how will we catch them?

Rex: That's easy...

(The camera zooms right in on Rex's face.)

Rex: ...we'll ask the PAEDO IN THE BASEMENT.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Gwen: 'ere, why would you have a paedo in the basement, like?

Rex: He's an asset.

Esther: More like an assHOLE!

Rex: Shut up! That paedo's helped us out lots of times.

(Jack grabs Rex around the throat.)

Jack: I don't know where you come from, mister, but where I come from there's only one way to deal with a paedo...a bullet in his brain. And a second bullet in his COCK in case he comes back as a ZOMBIE so that at least he won't be able to rape any more kids as a zombie!

Rex: Things have moved on since your day, pops! Look, I hate paedos, I used to bully them in high school like all right thinking people. But they are recognised as human beings by the LAW and this paedo has ALIEN DNA in his brain that gives him the power to know when acts of evil are being commited! He can tell us where the serial killers are and we can stop them...FOR GOOD.

Jack: Then I only have one FUCKING question...

Rex: And what the FUCK is that?

Jack: ...what the HELL are we waiting for?

(They all run down to the basement. Billionaire paedophile OSWALD JONES is locked in a big cage.)

Oswald: What took you so long?

Rex: SHUT UP, JONES! We ask the questions around here!

Jack: I just want to know where a sick FUCK like you gets off.

Oswald: On your grandson's face!

Gwen: 'ere, that's a bit much, like!

Jack: YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT. I KILLED MY GRANDSON LAST YEAR. DON'T YOU DARE SAY THINGS LIKE THAT ABOUT HIM.

(Rex puts his hand on Jack's shoulder. There is a brief moment of SEXUAL TENSION between them.)

Rex: Calm down, Harkness. This is what he does, the sick fuck. He gets inside your head.

Oswald: That's when I'm not getting inside your grandon's pants! Tee hee!

(Esther presses a button and Oswald SPASMS in agony.)

Esther: Pipe down, paedo.

Jack: What the HELL was that?

Esther: We implanted a torture device in his balls.

Jack: WHAT? THAT'S INHUMAN.

Esther: You were talking about putting a bullet in his brain a minute ago!

Jack: Yeah, but not TORTURING HIM. That crosses the line! Torchwood USA has FUCKED UP MORALS.

Rex: We're wasting time! Jones, tell us where the serial killers are or I'll put your ball torture device up to FULL POWER and burn your balls CLEAN OFF!

Oswald: Okay, okay...they're in Central Park. IN NEW YORK CITY. Getting ready to kill some SINGLE MOTHERS.

Gwen: That's horrible, like! But New York City is in New York! That's a MILLION MILES from here!

Rex: Yeah? Not if we use our TELEPORTER, bitch!

Jack: THEN LET'S GET TELEPORTING.

Rhys: Jolly good!

Jack: Not you, Rhys. You stay here and guard the paedo. You don't have any field experience anyway.

Esther: I don't have any field experience either!

Jack: I'll give you some, baby...

(He looks at her ass.)

Jack: ...and maybe a little something extra if there's time.

(They all run off to the teleporter except Rhys.)

Oswald: So, Rhys...do you want me to tell you what's really going on?

Rhys: You would do such a thing?

Oswald: Quid pro quo, Rhys. Quid pro quo. You tell me something, I'll tell you. For example, you could tell me...how you became English and buff!

Rhys: I was always English and buff, old bean!

Oswald: Ha! I know for a fact you were a fat welshman who only ate curry and conformed to all other Welsh stereotypes!

Rhys: Okay, okay, it's true! I used ALIEN TECHNOLOGY to become sexy and English. And I had to KILL ten Englishmen to make it work! I just wanted to be good looking! It's the only way to make it in America! Please don't tell Gwen! She's so beautiful...

Oswald: ...seriously?

Rhys: Well...in terms of Welsh women.

Oswald: Haha, very good! And in return, I will tell you that all these serial kille paedos are actually being CONTROLLED by alien implants in their heads! And do you know who the HEAD serial killer paedo is?

Rhys: No, I obviously do not!

Oswald: It's none other than BARACK HUSSIEN OBAMA!

Rhys: CHRIST!

TO BE CONTINUED