Neelix's April Fools Joke! (Unfilmed season two Voyager script)

[CaptainWacky]

(Most of of the Voyager crew are eating their dinner in the Mess Hall. Tuvok is eating a meal. Neelix is staring at him, giggling to himself. Tuvok is trying really hard not to react. Paris walks over to Neelix.)

Paris: Neelix, what's so funny?

(Neelix takes Paris into the kitchen.)

Neelix: I put super glue on Mister Vulcan's seat! HAHA!

Paris: Why would you do a thing like that, Neelix?

Neelix: ::::choking with laughter:::: Because it's April Fools Day!

Paris: That ancient Earth custom?

Neelix: Exactly! It's April First back on Earth, so I'm playing a jolly jape on Mister Vulcan!

Paris: But...he's a Vulcan. He's not from Earth!

Neelix: That's what makes it funny!

Paris: Where did you get superglue from anyway?

Neelix: I've been saving up my replicator rations for eight months to replicate it! I've been eating nothing but Kes since I started! But it has been worth it!

Paris: Wait...eating Kes?

Neelix: Yes, she buds small sacks of meat on her back every month and she lets me eat them. What did you think I meant?

Paris: Ah, that's different from the way I eat her.

Neelix: He's about to stand up!

(Neelix and Paris run out of the kitchen. Tuvok stands up. And rips his pants.)

Kim: Good Lord, his ass!

Neelix: HAHA, APRIL FOOLS!

Tuvok: What.

Neelix: It was a joke, Mister Vulcan! I put superglue on your seat! Hehehe!

Tuvok: What the fuck were you thinking.

Neelix: Everyone's laughing!

(No one is laughing.)

Tuvok: I've taken so much from you, Neelix. So fucking much. There's only so much any man can take and still call himself a man. One more stunt, Neelix. One more of your idiotic jokes...and I will end you.

Neelix: You sound angry! But I thought your kind didn't get angry!

Kim: Ooooh, racist!

Tuvok: We get angry, you ignorant hedgehog. We just suppress it. But I'm fucking through with that shit. I'm giong to let it out on you, Neelix. I'm going to let it ALL FUCKING OUT.

Neelix: Hehe!

(Tuvok grabs Neelix around the throat)

Tuvok: You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this.

Janeway: STOP AT ONCE!

(Everyone spins round as Janeway strides forward. Tuvok lets go of Neelix.)

Janeway: Tuvok, what the fuck!?

Tuvok: I...I am sorry. It seems my recent mind meld with Lon Suder is still affecting me.

Janeway: Come with me! Kes, see to Neelix.

Kes: Yes, captain.

(Kes bends over to check on Neelix. Paris looks at her ass as she does, then turns to Harry.)

Paris: I'm hitting that.

(Janeway and Tuvok are outside.)

Janeway: That wasn't Suder, Tuvok, that was you.

Tuvok: I just hate him so much.

Janeway: I understand...he is a piece of shit.

Tuvok: You see it too!

Janeway: God yes. I regret taking him onboard every day. But you can't just kill him like that!

Tuvok: I know.

Janeway: Not with so many witnesses. Now, in your capacity as Security Chief, if an "unfortunate accident" were to befall Neelix on an Away Mission...I'd make sure you didn't get the blame.

Tuovk: God you're hot.

Janeway: Hmm, looks like you're going into Pon Farr again. That's every night this week. How odd.

Tuvok: How odd indeed.

(They start kissing. Chakotay walks by and rolls his eyes.)

Chakotay: Get a room.

Janeway: Fuck off, Indian.

THE END

 

[Robert "Monkey" Loggia]

If only they had actually written their scripts so well.

 

[whisky]

Best episode ever

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Good episode!

 

[Robert "Monkey" Loggia]

"Fuck off, Indian" = greatest Chakotay related quote ever

 

[Cassie]

MooGoo is gonna be mad. You know he loves the Neelix!

 

[CaptainWacky]

MAYBE CHAPTER TWO WILL COME SOON.

 

[whisky]

Damn you sir, you will try.

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Paris and Kes are in Sickbay cleaing up.)

Paris: You know the only good thing about Sickbay duty?

Kes: What's that?

Paris: Getting to spend time with you!

Kes: Oh Tom, you're so silly!

(She hugs him. Paris squeezes her ass.)

Paris: That's the good stuff...

Kes: This is how you humans hug?

Paris: Yeah baby...

(Harry Kim walks in. He looks annoyed to see Paris and Kes.)

Kim: Oh it's just Tom taking advantage of Kes again, I'll come back later...ouch...

Kes: Harry, what's wrong, you look in pain?

Kim: I'd rather see The Doctor.

Paris: He's been disengaged to run some routine maintenance.

Kim: Or so he doesn't catch you feeling up Kes.

Kes: Tom, what does he mean?

Paris: Haha, he's joking, haha! Run along now.

Kes: No, tell us what's wrong.

Kim: It's...it's nothing...

(He winces with pain.)

Paris: It's your cock, isn't it?

Kim: Don't be ridiculous! It's not...yeah. It's my cock.

Paris: You've been fucking too hard on the holodeck, haven't you?

Kim: Man, I couldn't help myself! There's nothing else to do and there's no naive little alien girls for me to take advantage of! But this time I took it so far. I've built up a resistence to holo-fucking. I barely feel it anymore. I can't help but think about how I'm not fucking a real person, just a bag of replicated meat held together by photons and forcefields. It's disgusting. So the only way I can really feel something...is to make them tigheter. I've been making those holo women tighter and tighter for months now and today...I turned the safeties off. It was horrible. It started okay, but while I was humping I kept grunting "computer, tighter...TIGHTER!" I fucking shredded my cock, Tom.

Paris: Wow.

Kes: I didn't understand any of that!

Paris: Look, just show us your cock, maybe it's not so bad...

(Harry drops his pants. Kes and Paris scream in fear.)

Paris: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING.

Kes: EWW! BOYS ARE GROSS!

Kim: Damn it! Heal me!

Paris: Okay, okay...lie down. I'll just get the extra powerful dermal regenerator...hey, you should shut your eyes during this...it won't be pleasant to look at.

Kim: Okay...

(Harry closes his eyes. As soon as he does, Tom grabs Kes and starts kissing.)

Paris(whispering): Oh God, seeing Harry's mangled cock turned me on so much...I can't resist you.

Kes: Tee hee, this feels funny! I know you told me you humans do this with each other every few minutes, I'll just have to get used to it...

Paris: YOU'RE SO SOFT.

Kim: Hey, what's going on? You're not healing my cock at all!

(Kim wakes up and catches Tom taking Kes's dress off.)

Kim: You fucking RAPIST.

Paris: HEY!

Kes: I don't know that word!

Paris: She wants this as much as me!

Kes: It tickles!

Paris: See, she's horny!

(Paris doesn't stop.)

Kim: You sicken me...lucky bastard.

(Harry starts to leave, but stops by the door.)

Harry: Computer, ACTIVATE EMERGENCY MEDICAL HOLOGRAM!

Paris: Oh shit.

(The Doctor appears. Tom desperately pulls himself away from the now naked Kes.)

Kes: Hi Doctor!

Doctor: What's going on? Are you trying to make Kes do things with you again!?

Paris: She likes it! What's the big deal? Sex is natural between two adults, even if they are difference species...

Doctor: SHE'S TWO YEARS OLD YOU SICK FUCK!

Paris: Oh come on, Doc! She doesn't age the same way we do, she's fully grown, she's intelligent...

Doctor: SHE'S TWO. TWO YEARS OLD. YOU'RE TRYING TO FUCK A TWO YEAR OLD.

Paris: Stop saying it, you're making it sound dirty!

Kes: What does he mean? Were you doing someting inappropriate, Tom? Fucking? Isn't that what Harry does on the holodeck? I don't know what that is...

Doctor: SEE.

Paris: She's an alien, they don't have the word "fucking" in her language...she knows!

Doctor: I'm telling Janeway.

Paris: NO! COMPUTER, DEACTIVATE THE EMERGENCY MEDICAL HOLOGRAM.

(The Doctor disappears.)

Kes: Aww, I'll miss him!

Paris: Now I just have to figure out how to delete his memory files...

Kes: Well, my shift's over. I'm off to give Neelix some of the special hugs you give me!

Paris: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

I heard this scene was shown at a con once that Robert Picardo attended. He was denying all knowledge of it just as his line "SHE'S TWO YEARS OLD YOU SICK FUCK!" rang out across the convention hall. Awkward.