One of these days...

[Consumer]

...not today, but some day, I will take my own life.

This is not a plea for help, it may be decades off. It may be next week. However, sooner or later, I will tire of this cycle of starburst and cold depths, and I will choose to end it.

I have much to do before then, most notably a responsibility, obligation, and privilege to raise my son. In a way, I hope he understands someday. The world needs good Men, and I will see to it that he is one.

It is not for those who may miss me, I'm competent enough to ask if they do and receive the answers in the form of words, works, or kisses. It is not that. It is that I will want to know the time and the moment. It is that I will say when the world has been too much, when I have broken, or when I have decided that it is not worthy of the pain I pour into it.

No, it will be my last act, literally. Not an accident, not a slow wasting waiting. It will be my hand, and if God is what I think he is, there will be an understanding.

-SB

 

['Gear]

...not today, but some day, I will take my own life.

This is not a plea for help, it may be decades off. It may be next week. However, sooner or later, I will tire of this cycle of starburst and cold depths, and I will choose to end it.

I have much to do before then, most notably a responsibility, obligation, and privilege to raise my son. In a way, I hope he understands someday. The world needs good Men, and I will see to it that he is one.

It is not for those who may miss me, I'm competent enough to ask if they do and receive the answers in the form of words, works, or kisses. It is not that. It is that I will want to know the time and the moment. It is that I will say when the world has been too much, when I have broken, or when I have decided that it is not worthy of the pain I pour into it.

No, it will be my last act, literally. Not an accident, not a slow wasting waiting. It will be my hand, and if God is what I think he is, there will be an understanding.

-SB

There is a critical difference in philosophy between you and I. Critical.

I disagree.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Okay.

 

[Cinch]

Well, now I'm thoroughly bummed out...

 

[Mirah]

...and pissed. But that sounds selfish now doesn't it? Ironic.

 

[CaptainWacky]

...not today, but some day, I will take my own life.

It may be next week.

I have much to do before then, most notably a responsibility, obligation, and privilege to raise my son.

-SB

Does anyone see a contradiction there?

Not an accident, not a slow wasting waiting. It will be my hand, and if God is what I think he is, there will be an understanding.

And you can't plan to kill yourself before an accident does it for you. Accidents can happen anytime. You could die in an accident tomorrow. If you really want to avoid the possibility of dying in an accident you should kill yourself right now (but don't do that.)

 

[Consumer]

Ahh, if something happens, the run-away bus or a stray meteor or whatever, that's one thing. That's "life" as it were. I'll fight and struggle for that last breath, and go down fighting (literally or metaphorically).

But, if some day I face a future without hope...that is something very different.

 

[Loktar]

As long as your son lives and breathes, I can't imagine you living a future without hope.

 

[Cassie]

WELL... I think he is melodramatically saying that he will take his own life before allowing old age (or illness), and all the indignities that come with getting old, to take his hope away from him. This is something I can understand after caring for three old people. I do not want to be old and incontinent and mindless and drooling and STUFF.

 

[Henoch]

Living sucks!

 

[Conchaga]

I have PTSD, serious depression, and a large problem to solve on top of a few other things.

I would have offed myself a while ago if I weren't so sure that there's no afterlife and that death means non-existence. Even though life can sometimes be painful, it's better than non feeling anything at all. The only consolation I know of is that you wouldn't know you're dead.

 

['Gear]

I have PTSD, serious depression, and a large problem to solve on top of a few other things.

I would have offed myself a while ago if I weren't so sure that there's no afterlife and that death means non-existence. Even though life can sometimes be painful, it's better than non feeling anything at all. The only consolation I know of is that you wouldn't know you're dead.

How did you come to suffer from PTSD?

 

[Conchaga]

Well, first there was this little conflict in a desert that I was involved in, then I got hit by a car and was incapable of walking for a few months. The whole history is on TK if you dig. I just don't talk much about the whole war thing. The whole thing about me being a conscientious objector was (I'll admit it now) a hoax and a troll. Which worked very well. Lady_elena (a very real person) played into it for me, because she's awesome, and almost as fucked in the head as I am.

It's a diagnosed condition and some days I can't leave my house due to agoraphobia.

I have a therapist which agrees with my self-medicating using marijuana, which actually does help the problem. However, I have a tendency to go destructive with my substance use and go on (sometimes weeks-long) benders of drugs above marijuana. I try to just pacify those by using one time doses of really strong stuff, like peyote and large doses of mushrooms. However, sometimes, I use lots of coke or use DXM when I can't find Peyote or shrooms.

I may present a very libertarian logical and rational view on TK often, but what doesn't come through is the nihilist attitude I have when I hit those benders.

I lead a semi-normal life of having a job, a relationship, and recently I reconnected with my 14-year estranged father. However, sometimes I really am very similar to Terry Bellefleur from True Blood.

A lot of my friends don't know I have these conditions, because I don't want sympathy or pity. My family and girlfriend know about them. I try to hide it as well as possible, which is why I have no idea why I'm explaining it now, to everyone, simply because a newcomer asked.

I better hit submit before I delete this whole thing.

 

[Henoch]

I would venture to guess that at least half of TK suffers from some type of depression. It's a wonder we don't have a specific forum to discuss depression & addictions here.

 

[Consumer]

Actually, Henoch, I think you are right. If anything, you probably are under-estimating the percentage.

We are here because of a wit with an 'edge' to it, we are all hurt/damaged, and we find a way to play with that to make us grin or gain visibility because, in "real life", we are quiet, or un-seen.

Not everyone, but many...it's not a coincidence that I didn't post here for a long time, and returned when I started the process of getting a divorce, which in a life of painful stories, has been the most painful thing I have ever endured.
-SB

 

[Hambil]

Is it arrogance that keeps me alive? The belief that I am too good, too smart, too strong, to take my own life? Or is it arrogance that will someday kill me? The idea that my pain is more than yours, and unbearable, and warrants escape?

Someday I will answer that question, and put down the gun or pull the trigger.

Perhaps it is arrogant of me to even think I have but those two choices. Oh, arrogance, your fucking bitch.

 

[Consumer]

Perhaps it is arrogant of me to even think I have but those two choices. Oh, arrogance, your fucking bitch.

Ecclesiastes 2:15. Then I said to myself, "As is the fate of the fool, it will also befall me. Why then have I been extremely wise?" So I said to myself, "This too is vanity."

 

[Cassie]

It's all passive aggressive suicide.

 

[Conchaga]

How is suicide passive aggressive? I'd say it's all passive or all aggressive. Not both.

 

[Conchaga]

I mean, you're either entirely avoiding all the pain and problems in your life, or you're just stuck, honestly incapable of surmounting the issues that plague your life, and suicide is truly the only option.

That's how I view it. For me, I'm the former. I'd be wussing out on all the shit in my life. For others, like a friend I knew and loved, who had an aggressive illness which was going to kill him slowly and painfully anyway, he just ended it before it caused his family to watch him wither and die. I have a profound respect for a person who can do that. That takes a lot of balls, knowing you could live for just a few more years, but by the end, you'd be nearly comatose, mentally deficient, constantly in pain, and a weight on your family's emotions and time; but sticking a .38 to your heart and saying "fuck it".