Reread "The Lord of the Rings"...

Volpone

Zombie Hunter
Actually had some free time for awhile now and one of the books I got a chance to reread again was "The Lord of the Rings." I don't know if I'm getting more discerning or just more cynical, but this time around I had more than a few nitpicks. Probably had them before, but they were more vague and I didn't put my finger on them as much.

Things slow down when the plot requires them to slow down. Gandalf has suspicions about the ring, but he fucks around for decades and decades. Sauron goes back to Mordor but no one does anything for decades and decades. Then there's the mad dash to Rivendell that is barely in time where they proceed to...fuck off for 2 months? "Well, we've got to send out scouts and figure things out." Yeah. Also, that gives time for the Ringwraiths to get back and recover. And wastes the good weather so they're stuck having to go through Moria. And what about Boromir? He is absolutely essential to the defense of Gondor. He's already been gone the better part of a year, trying to find Rivendell. Then he's like "Oh well, I guess 2 more months won't hurt--and then walking back by the slowest route possible."

Or after they've won and Treebeard has let Saruman get away. And then they just let him go...and fuck off at Rivendell for months and months again so he can get ahead and really fuck shit up in the Shire.

Finally, was Aragorn fucking around in the woods all these decades instead of being King the entire time? Why would his line abandon their kingdom for centuries? They bitch and bitch about how people weren't vigilant and it allowed Sauron to get back and rebuild and expand his power. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say MAYBE THIS IS BECAUSE THE FUCKING KING OF GONDOR HAS BEEN TOO BUSY FUCKING OFF IN THE WOODS WITH ELVES AND ACTING LIKE A HOBO INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY RUNNING HIS KINGDOM. But that's just me. What do I know? Wouldn't it have been easier, while Sauron is off in Mirkwood, for Aragorn to Make Gondor Great Again?

OK. Not finally, but this one isn't mine, but THE FUCKING EAGLES. Someone even made a joke that Gandalf always planned to just use the eagles to drop the ring into Mt. Doom and that was the "FLY, YOU FOOLS!" line just before the Balrog gets him. But why are they sitting around the Council--and later fucking around with scouting stuff out? Why doesn't someone say "Hey, you know what? What about the eagles? They're always flying me places. The ring probably has no power over them. Let's just send someone for Gwaihir, the Wind Lord, hand him the ring, have him drop it into Mt. Doom, Bob's your uncle and we're done?

Because that would've been a much shorter and less exciting book. 50 pages. 100, tops.
 
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