Wacky Reviews: Star Trek


Boobie inspector
I watched journey to babel the other night, the transition from Spock in sickbay to the Kirk fight in the corridor is so abrubt it looks like the start of the scene was cut out.

Eggs Mayonnaise

All In With The Nuts
I always thought it took place halfway into season seven (since that was when it was released.)
That would make more sense -- maybe just before Bada Bing Bada Bang, during that meh stretch of standalone eps before the final arc kicks in. At least by then, Worf wasn't completely shell-shocked anymore.
(I'm had a lot of tv shows to watch lately so the thread has slowed...the quality of some recent offerings doesnt' help probably.)
There are some good ones coming up, just hold your nose during Spirit Folk and Fury lol.


I want to smell dark matter
Tsunkatse - A crowd of aliens, and members of the Voyager crew, watch a Hirogen and another alien fight in some kind of UFC type arena combat. The Hirogen wins the fight. Janeway's going off somewhere leaving Chakotay in charge, so that explains why everyone's into cage fighting now. Tuvok and Seven aren't intersted and go off in a shuttle to investigate a nebula instad (there's padding scenes of Tom and the Doctor both giving Seven a telling off for working during shore leave.) They're captured by an alien who sounds a lot like Weyoun (as he's played by Jeffrey Combs, who I totally forgot was ever in Voyager) and Tuvok is badly injured. Combs quickly explains to Seven that this is what Tsuankatse really is: people kidnapped and forced to fight (often to the death!) The Hirogen talks and it turns out he has a familar voice too: it's J.G. Hertzler. He convinces Vince McWeyoun not to put Seven in a fight to the death yet. There's a weird bit on Voyager where they debate if Chakotay or Harry would win in a fight. Chakotay sneaks out of work to watch another fight. There's also a subplot about Neelix having a rash because fight club episodes need a lot of padding. Chuckles, Tom, Harry and Neelix attend the next fight together and are shocked to see Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson fight (in his first acting role!) He does the eyebrow. Actually they're shocked because his opponent is the Borg Brawler herself Seven of Nine! Seems like a huge mistake for Weyoung to have slave Seven fight at a show atteneded by Voyager crewmembers. The Rock does a clothesline and a Rock Bottom(!) to win the fight. B'Elanna tries to beam Seven up but it turns out the fight is being holographically transmitted from somewhere else (but it's still stupid to let the Voyagaer crew know they've enslaved Seven.)

The kindly Hirogen continues to look out for Seven. He says Seven is a hunter at heart and could be a great fighter with the proper training. Weyoun puts Seven in a "red match" next as his viewers will enjoy watching a Borg die. Martok offers to train her. He teaches her that she'll have to bend the rules to win and she can't just learn Tsunkatse from a book. He tells her his tragic backstory but it's just a trick to get her to lower her guard. Chakotay and Neelix feel a bit bad for enjoying previous Tsunkatse fights when the fighters were slaves (but it's quickly brushed away.) They find the huge heavily armoured ship Weyoun transmits all the Tsunkatse fights from. The Hirogen teaches Seven to see her opponent as prey. Tuvok tells Seven to do whatever it takes to survive. Seven's "red match" begins and somewhat predictably her opponent is her Hirogen mentor. He tells Seven he was training her to be able to defeat him so that he can finally die after so many years fighting in the arena. Voyager reaches the Tsunkatse ship and Chakotay demands Seven and Tuvok's return. Weyoun refuses, obviously. Tuvok is beamed to safety but the arena is under stronger forcefields. Voyager's shields are failing fast (as usual.) The Hirogen taunts Seven until she fights back and kicks his ass. Janeway arrives in the Delta Flyer to help Voyager against Weyoun's ship. They knock out the holographic transmitters. Seven wins the fight and is about to finish off the Hirogen when Voyager rescues them both. Martok asks Seven if she would have killed him and she admits she doesn't know. Seven tells Tuvok she fears she lost her humanity in the arena but he says the fact that she feels bad proves that she hasn't.

Voyager and Smackdown (whichh I guess had just started at this point) were both UPN shows. Someone decided it would be a good idea to do a crossover between the two. The result is an episode that's probably a bit better than Star Trek fans feared it would be. I doubt it got many Star Trek fans interested in WWF or many WWF fans interested in Star Trek though. The worst part is the early scenes of Chakotay and others cheering on while watching Tsunkatse matches, as if the writers are saying "look, Trekkies, Chakotay likes wrestling! You should like it too, on UPN!" Then later they find out the fighters are literally slaves but don't really spend much time reflecting on it. The episode has a weird relationship with Tsunkatse as half the time it's saying "look how cool the fights are!" and the rest saying "look how horrible it is these people are made to fight!" If you can get over all that, the episode is kind of fun. It helps that it's a Seven episode and that we have J.G. Hertzler working with her in a lot of scenes (we have Jeffrey Combs too but he gets nothing to do.) And hey it's the episode we have to thank/blame for Dwayne Johnson's entire acting career so that makes it an essential watch!

SCORE: 6/10

Collective - Chakotay, Neelix, Harry and Tom (THE BROS) are in the Delta Flyer again. They come across a Borg Cube. The Cube takes the Flyer in a tractor beam and captures the crew. Neelix has a dream about an assimilated Chakotay. Harry's missing and Tom's cracking up (in a poorly acted manor.) Voyager finds the Cube and easily disables its weapons. Seven finds that there's only five drones on the entire Cube. The Borg want Voyager's deflector dish in exchange for captured crew. The Borg agree to let Seven beam over to negotiate. She finds that the five drones are all children (plus a Borg baby still in its maturation chamber.) Seven tells the kids they should go back to their chambers as they're too young but their leader insists that they're old enough to be Borg. A drone who we will later know as Icheb tells Seven he was the first out of his chamber but couldn't establish order so he's the Second and the asshole kid is the First. Seven checks on Chakotay and the others (the little girl drone shocks Tom. Good.) Harry's still missing. The Doctor reports that all the adult drones were killed by some kind of virus and the drones survived because they were in their maturation chambers. Tuvok wants to use the virus to kill the kids but the Doc is outraged. Harry wakes up in the back of the Flyer, where no one thought to look for him I guess. Janeway goes over to the Cube and offers to help the kids go home to their own planets. But First really likes being a drone and gets angry. Janeway orders Seven to fix the Borg deflector and the First gives her two hours before he kills the hostages.

Janeway makes contact with Harry and sends him on a secret mission. Seven gets Second to remember his mother but First is pissed off again (he's always pissed off.) Seven find a message from the Collective saying that the drones aren't worth reassimilating (I agree with that!) She fears that the drones will kill the hostages when they find out they're not wanted. Janeway says they could invite the drones to Voyager and turn them into individuals. Seven thinks not all drones can be saved. Harry leaves playing cards all over the Cube to mark his journey and tells Tuvok he's scared of haunted houses. The baby Borg nearly dies but Seven saves its life. Harry finally lays his bomb but is caught by the little girl drone who followed the playing cards he left (WHAT AN IDIOT.) So that whole Harry subplot was pointless. The Borg baby has to be beamed to Sickbay and the Doc reports to Janeway that he's successfully treated it (remember this for future episodes!) He makes Janeway hold the baby as a way to emotionally manipulate her into not using the virus but she tells him to prepare to deploy it anyway. Janeway is immune to babies. First injects nanoprobes into Harry and threatens to kill him if Voyager doesn't hand of its deflector. Seven reveals to the kids that the Collective don't want them back. Janeway comes up with a technobabble way to bring the Cube's shields down as Seven tries to talk the kids into coming with her to Voyager. First keeps fighting even after the hostages are beamed away. He refuses to leave and is hit by an exploding Borg console and dies. Oh well. The Borg kids join Voyager and Janeway tells Seven she's the obvious choice to look after them (Seven suggests Neelix.) Icheb finds out his name and the girl has a name I can't spell (the other two can't talk I guess?) The four of them go into little Borg chambers and Seven wishes them "sweet dreams."

It's a sad state of affairs when Borg episodes feel so routine. A Borg Cube shows up in the teaser and it's no big deal. The episode I guess tries to do something different by being all about Borg kids, but who wants an episode about Borg children? They're not really that much different from any of the other freed drones we've seen in recent seasons (remember when the Queen said Seven was the only drone to ever leave the Collective lol.) To be fair the boy playig Icheb/Second is quite good and the little girl is too. The twins don't talk or do anything so I can't judge them. It's just First who is really bad and I didn't enjoy watching his tantrums at all. As much as I love Seven (AND I DO LOVE SEVEN) this all feels pretty familiar for her too as she's already dealt with her own individuality and helped other freed drones earlier in the season. This isn't awful or anything just dull.

SCORE: 5/10


Staff member
I never had to react to Wacky's reaction of Fair Haven. It kills the ability to soldier on with the show. Even more so when you know it won't go where it should go.


I want to smell dark matter
Spirit Folk - Tom crashes a modern automobile in Fair Haven. The Irish stereotypes seem even more pronounced than last time even in just this opening scene. Sheamus the hologram notices Tom order the Holodeck to repair his car, which makes no sense. Sheamus talks to the other stereotypes, including Janeway's boyfriend, about Tom being a witch and it's really painful to watch. Janeway finally walks in on them (why are the characters running if no one's in the Holodeck?) for a date with her fucktoy. B'Elanna warns Tom that running Fair Haven 24 hours a day is a bad idea (for more reasons than one!) Harry goes on a date with a hologram and Tom turns her into a cow. HAHAHA. Sheamus and another drunk witness this and take it as further evidence of Tom's evil powers. The Doctor, in his role as a priest, gives a sermon with some bad overacting from Robert Picardo. The drunks bring the cow into the church and claim it's the girl transformer. The Doc makes the girl come back but she tells the drunks she had a dream about being a cow (again, this makes no sense given everything we know about how Holodecks work.) There's another shitty scene of holograms talking about witchcraft and shit. Janeway's boyfriend confronts her, asking her where she goes when she's not in Fair Haven. Janeway ends the program instead of telling him the truth. Janeway wastes B'Elanna's time by having her look into what's gone wrong with Fair Haven (basically it's all Tom's fault for leaving it running all day.)

Tom and Harry do a debugging on Michael and he somehow knows he's out of the Holodeck. He pretends to be fixed and fools and two idiots (it's like a really shitty version of Westworld.) He tells the other holograms but Tom and Harry notice quickly and come up with another solution (but don't turn the program off or anything.) Janeway asks Chakotay what she'll do if she can't fix Michael. Get a new vibrator? Tom and Harry sneak into Fair Haven to fix it (WHY NOT JUST TURN IT OFF?) The holograms capture them in a net (yes really) then shoot the Holodeck controls with a rifle. The holographic bullets can apparently damage the holodeck and everything is fucked up. Safeties go offline and Tom and Harry are captured by the gun-toting locals. B'Elanna, QUIT RIGHTLY, says they should just unplug the Holodeck to save Tom and Harry. Neelix whines that this would mean the end of Fair Haven. Janeway FUCKING SIDES WITH NEELIX and says she won't delete Fair Haven even thogh real lives are at stake. The crew's relationship with Fair Haven is just too important, apparently. The Doc enters the Holodeck to talk the nutters out of murdering Tom and Harry but then accuse him of being in league with Satan and tie him up. WHY HAVEN'T THEY SHUT DOWN THE HOLODECK YET. Then the holograms manage to hypnotise the Doctor. What is even happening now. What is my life. They learn about Voyager from him and Michael asks how to get there. He's beamed out wearing the mobile emitter and Janeway tells him the truth about Voyager. Remember when Picard did this with Moriarty back in season 2 of TNG and it was actually good? Meanwhile the villagers are about to burn Tom and Harry at the stake. Janeaway and Michael talk them out of it and who.fucking.cares. I'd rather it had ended with Tom and Harry burnt to death and B'Elanna leading a mutiny against Janeway. Fair Haven can still be visiting (but not 24 hours a day) but the villagers now know the Voyager crew are from the future.

At the end of 'Fair Haven' the program was damaged and Tom said it would take something like two months to repair and they'd need to start over without the holograms remembering them. This episode is surely set only a couple of months later. Yet now, apparently, everyone on the ship is close to the (newly repaired) residents of Fair Haven. So close that it's worth risking Tom and Harry's LIVES rather than just resetting the program again. Or so Janeway tells us. Frankly it really seems like she cares more about her holographic boyfriend than she doees Tom and Harry's lives. It's pretty much a complete destruction of Janeway's character. Sisko comitted literal war crimes and was still more sympathetic than Janeway is here. That's probably the worst thing about the episode but there's no lack of bad things here: the horrible Irish stereotypes, the completely unfunny humour, the utter pointlessness of it all. AT LEAST 'Fair Haven' tried to kind of be about something. It was bad, but you could see what they were going for at times. 'Spirit Folk' has absolutely nothing going for it. Nothing. It's the worst episode of Voyager yet.

SCORE: 0/10

Ashes to Ashes - An alien woman on the run contacts Voyager. Mezoti the Borg girl answers the phone. She eventually gets speak to Tuvok, who she seems to know. She also knows Janeway and Harry but they don't recognise her. She claims to be Ensign Lyndsay Ballard, someone Harry was very close to (despite never being seen or mentioned before.) She died on an away mission with Harry but was revived by an alien race who turned her into one of them. Harry gets all emotional at her being back. Lyndsay tells Harry of a list she made of things to do once she got back to Voyager. Seven supervises the Borg children as they play (with Naomi of course) and says "fun will now commence" in a classic moment. Icheb rebels against her strict rules. Harry tells Lyndsay he did the eulogy at her funeral so it's kind of weird to have her alive again. The Doc tells Lyndsay that her DNA can't be changed back to human but he can easily make her look more human with a simple injection. Neelix makes food for her but it doesn't change as good as she remembered. She reports to work in Engineering but accidentally talks in her alien language (these two moments are WARNINGS.)

Seven wants to quit looking after the children but Chakotay tells her to keep at it. Harry of course has the hots for Lyndsay and Paris points out again how he always falls for the wrong girl. Lyndsay looks fully human again after another session with the Doc. Ballard is invited to dinner by Janeway and they have a kind of awkward scene together where she asks Janeway why she sent her on that away mission. She then thanks Janeway for letting her die because it gave her life. She dreams about attending her own funeral and goes to see Harry. She thinks she isn't fitting in back on Voyager. Harry confesses his feelings to her and they kiss. The Borg children sculpt. Mezoit makes a sculpture of Seven's head, against her orders. Seven tells her to "resume your disorder." Ballard's alien father arrives at Voyager. He explains that most of the resurrected don't remember their former lives and Lyndsay should be a new person now. She refuses to go back with him. Ballard later admits to Harry that she can't remember anything about her human father (this seems to have come from nowhere? The Doc didn't mention she'd forgotten most of her life.) Then she starts to reflect back to her alien form. It's pretty obvious where all this is going. She swears at the Doc in her alien language. She admits to Harry that she's changed and isn't Lyndsay anymore. The aliens attack Voyager for the routine "shields at 4%!" bit. Lyndsay ends it by going back to her father, despite Harry's attempts to murder him first. Harry takes Mezoti on the date he was planning for Lyndsay. Uhh, she's eight, Harry.

It's weird that Harry was in love with Ballard for the first three seasons and it never came up, isn't it? Like why was Tom teasing him about the Delaney sisters rather than his "best friend" Lyndsay? The episode is fine and the actress playing Lyndsay does a good job, but Voyager's lack of continuity makes it all feel pointless. They just make up a character, pretend she was Harry's best friend/crush for years, then have her leave again at the end of the episode. It's all just a bit too predictable. Again it's fine thanks to her acting and some reasonable writing. Just completely skippable. The Seven subplot is sweet though!

SCORE: 6/10


Boobie inspector
Caught the end of Charlie x today, got really emotional over it, never really had much sympathy for him before but as the father of a teenager I had a new perspective on it.

Then at the end as he fades away knowing he died a few days ago it made it even worse, and to top it all off, the words written by D C Fontana came up next.