WE INTERRUPT OUR PROGRAMME TO BRING YOU THIS

[curiousa2z]

ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
... [angels sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power
derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

On second thought, let's not go to Camelot...'tis a silly place.

 

[Ilyanna]

Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of silly persons!

 

[Loktar]

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

 

[Dr Dave]

Bring out your dead!

 

[Loktar]

I'm not dead. I feel HAPPY!

 

[Donovan]

ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our
court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR
Yes!

SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR
...What?

SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging them together.

ARTHUR (Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter
covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR
What do you mean?

SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or
the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not
strangers to our land.

SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

 

[Dr Dave]

Ni!

 

[Loktar]

You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with...A HERRING!

 

[Donovan]

It's only a flesh wound!

 

[Dr Dave]

Just a flesh wound.

 

[NeonMercuryASH]

Then take it to a flesh pot for bandaging!

 

[Loktar]

1...2...5. Three, sir. 3....*King Arthur chucks the Holy Handgrenade of Antioch at the killer rabbit*

*explosion*

 

[Dr Dave]

Brave Brave Sir Robin...

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Is this from a movie or something?

IT'S ALL FROM STEEL MAGNOLIAS, ISN'T IT???

 

[Dr Dave]

WITCH!

 

[Donovan]

We did. The bit with the nose, yeah.

 

[Ilyanna]

...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.

 

[Loktar]

King Arthur: [about the inscription on the rock] What does it say, Brother Maynard?
Brother Maynard: It reads, "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathia. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the holy grail in the Castle of Aaauuuggghhh... "
King Arthur: What?
Brother Maynard: "The Castle of Aaaauuuggghhhh"
Sir Bedevere: What is that?
Brother Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
King Arthur: Oh come on!
Brother Maynard: Well, that's what it says.
King Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it.
Sir Galahad: Maybe he was dictating it.
King Arthur: Oh shut up!
Sir Robin: Well does it say anything else?
Brother Maynard: No, just "Aaaaauuuugggghhh".
[knights making groaning sounds]
Sir Bedevere: Do you think he could have mean, 'Camaaaauuuuggghhhh'?
Sir Galahad: Where's that?
Sir Bedevere: France, I think.
Sir Lancelot: Isn't there a Saint "Aaaaavvvveeeesss" in Cornwall?
King Arthur: No that's Saint "Ives".
Sir Lancelot: Oh, yes. "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"!
[All knights saying, "Iiiiiivvvveeessss"]
Sir Bedevere: Whooooouuuuaaa!
Sir Lancelot: No no no, it's "Aaaaauuuugggghhhh" from the back of the throat.
Sir Bedevere: No I mean, "Whoooouuuuaaa!" as in surprise and alarm.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, you mean like, "AAAHH!"
Sir Bedevere: Yes, that's it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Dr Dave]

Copying things from a website seems like cheating.