Weight is definitely coming off. At first, not drinking last night seemed like it made things worse instead of better--instead of sleeping for 3-4 hours and then waking up and laying there for 2-3 hours, I just started right out with the laying awake in the dark, staring at the ceiling. Decided to fire the computer back up and have a cocktail, but in the mean time I also decided to write in my journal.
I've kept some kind of journal since...oh, at least the early 1990s, I'd have to go look to see. It is certainly sporadic--and got even more so when I started a Blue Room thread over at WF and later moved it here--but I still write in it sometimes. One of the things it has been useful for in the past was insomnia. I'd get a thought in my head and worry about it (or worry about forgetting it in the morning) so I'd get out the book and write it down. The act of writing both got it on paper so my brain didn't worry about forgetting it, and helped me work through why it was in my brain. I started using it more often with this recent bout of insomnia. Last night I made a few important breakthroughs. In no particular order:
I've worked for my friend longer than I took care of my Mom when she had cancer. There are some real similarities--and differences. I'm older now. And with more resources. And less responsibilities--well, different responsibilities--so it is less difficult to commit to an extended unpleasant task. The task is also more palatable. Part time work from home for pretty good money--basically whatever hours I want to do--is a lot easier than foisting my brand new, high maintenance dog off on friends, locking up my house, and moving halfway across country to sit in your childhood farmhouse 10 miles from the nearest town (of under 2,000 people) with only a sporadic 3G cell phone signal for Internet during the dead of a Wisconsin winter. I came, thinking I might not even make it home before she died and left 3 months later (she didn't die for another 4 months). It's cold to say, but my Mom wasn't a terribly warm or likable person. She also had some serious control issues. When I'd about used up my family leave from work, I put out feelers about staying. Mom wasn't a person who believed in dogs in the house. And at some point I had to take my dog off my friends' hands. So I suggested that I would have to bring my dog out if I was going to stay. Her reply to this was not "OK" or "No." It was "And you'll have to sell your house."
Hello. Sell my house? Give up my entire life to take care of you while you die? The house I asked for a loan to buy and you refused--after loaning me money to start a business and me repaying that fully and on time--so I had to empty out my IRA and take a big capital gains hit? That was the moment when I was done. And maybe I'm horrible for not being more compassionate to someone who is dying, but I'm only human. And when I've made every possible concession and can't even open a dialog on getting one minor but important one in return, well, if you want to be in charge of the rest of your life, go ahead. To be fair, before I left, I did find her a nice assisted living facility that took good care of her for her final months, and I made the only decision that worked at the time, but there's always a part of you that second-guesses decisions. Hindsight is 20-20. And she didn't leave a will. Settling her estate from half a country away after using up all my time off is a whole other saga.
Anyway, if I can put an end date on taking care of my dying mother, I can certainly put an end date on helping my friend out with his department. They've got their intern hired and they're in the process of automating one of the big tasks I have. In March spring will be coming. Days will be getting longer and warmer. I'll be able to get more stuff done. My Dog will have been dead for a year. It's time to get back to living my life.
I also realized I could quit the factory job. It pays less than contracting and would free up commensurate time for real estate work. I should be able to leave on good terms so I can come back if I ever need to. That said, even back in June, before I took the job for my friend, I was looking at whether I could afford to quit. Worst case, my friend completes his last hire and I don't have any paychecks coming in. That might cause the bank to call in my HELOC, but since I don't have any money drawn from it--and haven't seen any houses that I'd like to use the money to buy--that wouldn't be a major setback. I've also got a fat cushion of cash set aside right now. That was also to go toward another rental, but if I had to live off it, I could do that.
As I was thinking about all these things, I realized the reason for my insomnia: I think I've mentioned before, how important the Boyd Cycle, or OODA Loop is to my decision making process. You go through this Observe, Orient, Decide, Act cycle to make decisions. If you're never acting, the whole thing shuts down. Yes, inaction is a form of action "if you choose not to dedide, you still have made a choice," but it isn't a very rewarding--or helpful action. It doesn't generate any feedback. If I quit my job and then I have unexpected expenses, I realize that was a mistake and can get another job (and getting another job isn't that big a deal in this economy). Just going on going on is a kind of grey limbo area where you hang there and wait for things to act on you.
Speaking of which, I think I will extend my Problem Child renter on month-to-month for a bit, but am planning to move him out sooner rather than later. I'd move him out at the end of February if it was feasible. But I don't think it is. Well, should be going. The problem with acting is, you have to act. Talking about it is good to get everything laid out, but at some point--sooner rather than later--you have to stop talking and get back to doing.