We pan back and it's 2000 years previous, Jesus is sipping lemonade and watching Batman the TV series with Burt Ward and Adam West.
Jesus: Adam West, ahh.. Childhood memories.
Paul: When did this show actually start?
Jesus: Oh, it was commisioned by Abraham Parchmentvision, it was a sign of the times, Batman was needed, before Batman all we had was Plastic Man.. I mean what the fuck is plastic anyway. All stretchy and shit, weirdness. Adam West ownz joo.
Paul: Jesus, don't bogart that joint, Jesus..
Jesus: Wait yer turn, I'm the Messiah, and as such, being the Messiah requires a certain level of droopy eyed optimism. Dad may expect me to be slapped into oblivion only to be popularized not by the Church but by Mel Gibson and an ACME industrial vat of fake blood to really get the point across, but for my part I'd rather remember how funny those two beetles making a nest and possibly having sex on your head look than being nailed to a cross and stuck up on a hill in July. I deserve a smoke.
Paul: Aaaah! get em off! get em off!
Just then a wandering Pilgrim approaches:
Wandering Pilgrim: Word up ma niggas!
Jesus: Word up foo'
Paul: SAY WAYYYOOO!!
Bill The Pony: Jesus, I'm hot.
Jesus: Shut up Bill. Wandering Pilgrim how may I help you, do you require guidance, spiritual awakening? Perhaps a sip of lemonade...
Wandering Pilgrim: Nah, my Cart's backed the fuck up, and I think the guy who sold me those Michellin Wicker 1000 series wheels was ripping the piss, he wanted three fish, a naughty parchment of Isis and a handful of stunned angry bees for them. Waaaay overpriced and now they're fucked! Spokes are totally mashed, can't low ride or nothin!
Paul: Well the Lord is kinda busy here, we only got these deck chairs up and any minute now Jesus is going to pass me that join...
Wandering Pilgrim: Oh is that a joint? Give us a hit of that shit.
Jesus: Sure thang, here, finish it, it's reaching roach anyway..
Paul: Jesus, you son of a bitch.
Jesus: I wish, you have no idea what it's like having a Virgin Mother. Self righteous and she never let me watch Nazereth Pop Idol or A Team: Taking Back Jerusalem. "I pity the Jew!" .. Ahh, good times.
Wondering Pilgrim: So, lads, whatdya say, can you give us a hand? We're going to need a miracle to get the cart out.
Jesus: Ahh, what the fuck, let me get my sandals on. Come on Paul, time to help unto others or some such shit.
A short while later...
Wandering Pilgrim: Nice work, Jesus, I'm not going to say you didn't bodge it and scarper the wheel repair by tying that King Cobra round the spokes but I think the pimp ride is looking pretty kosher.
Jesus: Well, anytime, you owe me a joint though, and Paul is looking perturbed you better thank him too.
Wandering Pilgrim: Hey Paul, you can stop being Jack now. Thanks for your help.
Paul: #$&#$
Wandering Pilgrim: So look guys, If you're in the neighbourhood why not come to The All Night Cave Rave I'm organizing this friday, it should be laugh.
Paul: Well the Lords work doesn't really make time for dancing and listening to loud music and eating those mushroom things that seem to be all the craze at the moment but..
Jesus: Well, Paul, to be fair I wouldn't know God was my Dad and that I have to save everyone from damnation and rise from the dead and do all that malarky if it wasn't for that patch of mushrooms I ate once..
Paul: Wait a minute....WHAT?!!
Wandering Pilgrim: Great! So it's a deal then! I'll see you there.
Jesus: Will we have whistles? You haven't lived until you've seen Jesus Whistle crew; ins't that right, Paul?
Paul: I've got a bad feeling about this.
.
.
Fast Forward 2000 years:
Robert Langdon tired from his mission to find the Holy Grail sits back in his reclining chair and is almost nodding off when his mobile phone brings him back to reality with a start.
[SIZE=-1]Robert Langdon: [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]Hello? What time do you call this! It's 2 in god-damn fucking morning!
Woman: It's me you bastard.
Robert Langdon: Oh, sorry, I was just nodding off, how are you beeoooootch!
Woman: Oh, I'm swizzat fool, I was wondering if you want to go hit the town this week, maybe do a little train graffiti acton, maybe a little clubbing.
Robert Langdon: Sounds good! We should get totally rat-arsed, I'll try not to bore you to death with boring ass shit about old naked French guys spread Eagle on the floor of the Louvre. Though I did meet this French chick, Sophie Neveu, wow, let me tell you, smoking body...
Woman: Wicked foo, can't wait to hear all about it. I'll get that new leather mini-skirt I saw the other day, friday it is then. See you then.
Robert Langdon: Will, do.... Ok, Love you mum!
Roberts Mum: Shut up Pansy, It's misdemeanormum now.
Robert Langdon: Ok, Mum.. Misdemenor...whatever. Later.
*click*
Robert Langdon: Right, now, finally some sleep...
Five minutes later
*Ring, Ring, Ring!*
Robert Langdon: BOLLOCKS! .. WHAT!
Mysterious Voice: I have a secret, Mr Langdon, and I want you to go on a retarded adventure picking up clues and trying to decipher word puzzles in a quest..... To find the true nature of Jesus Christ!!!
Robert Langdon: Oh no, you have to be joking. I've just done this, he was married to Mary Magdelene.. blah, blah... some guy who likes to teabag people tried to stop me I almost got killed, huge Albino nutters blah, blah, the usual crap. Sorry, I'm going back to sleep.
Mysterious Voice: Wait! What if I told you that I know where a book with the writings of Jesus himself are being kept and they have the greatest secrets of the world buried within their pages!
Robert Langdon: I'd say that you should go get shot, take off all your clothes and lie face up with your penis pointing in the right direction, it's all I go on quests for.
Mysterious Voice: Yes, well, I don't do that kind of thing... Anymore. Oh fuck it, it's under the Mcdonalds Resteraunt in Bangor, Wales. They only have one, it will be easy to find. Go there, find it, show the world, become famous, rich, remembered, I don't care, just go get the book before Don. K. Punch and his cronies get there first!
*click*
Robert Langdon: WALES?! .. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED....
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Jesus: Adam West, ahh.. Childhood memories.
Paul: When did this show actually start?
Jesus: Oh, it was commisioned by Abraham Parchmentvision, it was a sign of the times, Batman was needed, before Batman all we had was Plastic Man.. I mean what the fuck is plastic anyway. All stretchy and shit, weirdness. Adam West ownz joo.
Paul: Jesus, don't bogart that joint, Jesus..
Jesus: Wait yer turn, I'm the Messiah, and as such, being the Messiah requires a certain level of droopy eyed optimism. Dad may expect me to be slapped into oblivion only to be popularized not by the Church but by Mel Gibson and an ACME industrial vat of fake blood to really get the point across, but for my part I'd rather remember how funny those two beetles making a nest and possibly having sex on your head look than being nailed to a cross and stuck up on a hill in July. I deserve a smoke.
Paul: Aaaah! get em off! get em off!
Just then a wandering Pilgrim approaches:
Wandering Pilgrim: Word up ma niggas!
Jesus: Word up foo'
Paul: SAY WAYYYOOO!!
Bill The Pony: Jesus, I'm hot.
Jesus: Shut up Bill. Wandering Pilgrim how may I help you, do you require guidance, spiritual awakening? Perhaps a sip of lemonade...
Wandering Pilgrim: Nah, my Cart's backed the fuck up, and I think the guy who sold me those Michellin Wicker 1000 series wheels was ripping the piss, he wanted three fish, a naughty parchment of Isis and a handful of stunned angry bees for them. Waaaay overpriced and now they're fucked! Spokes are totally mashed, can't low ride or nothin!
Paul: Well the Lord is kinda busy here, we only got these deck chairs up and any minute now Jesus is going to pass me that join...
Wandering Pilgrim: Oh is that a joint? Give us a hit of that shit.
Jesus: Sure thang, here, finish it, it's reaching roach anyway..
Paul: Jesus, you son of a bitch.
Jesus: I wish, you have no idea what it's like having a Virgin Mother. Self righteous and she never let me watch Nazereth Pop Idol or A Team: Taking Back Jerusalem. "I pity the Jew!" .. Ahh, good times.
Wondering Pilgrim: So, lads, whatdya say, can you give us a hand? We're going to need a miracle to get the cart out.
Jesus: Ahh, what the fuck, let me get my sandals on. Come on Paul, time to help unto others or some such shit.
A short while later...
Wandering Pilgrim: Nice work, Jesus, I'm not going to say you didn't bodge it and scarper the wheel repair by tying that King Cobra round the spokes but I think the pimp ride is looking pretty kosher.
Jesus: Well, anytime, you owe me a joint though, and Paul is looking perturbed you better thank him too.
Wandering Pilgrim: Hey Paul, you can stop being Jack now. Thanks for your help.
Paul: #$&#$
Wandering Pilgrim: So look guys, If you're in the neighbourhood why not come to The All Night Cave Rave I'm organizing this friday, it should be laugh.
Paul: Well the Lords work doesn't really make time for dancing and listening to loud music and eating those mushroom things that seem to be all the craze at the moment but..
Jesus: Well, Paul, to be fair I wouldn't know God was my Dad and that I have to save everyone from damnation and rise from the dead and do all that malarky if it wasn't for that patch of mushrooms I ate once..
Paul: Wait a minute....WHAT?!!
Wandering Pilgrim: Great! So it's a deal then! I'll see you there.
Jesus: Will we have whistles? You haven't lived until you've seen Jesus Whistle crew; ins't that right, Paul?
Paul: I've got a bad feeling about this.
.
.
Fast Forward 2000 years:
Robert Langdon tired from his mission to find the Holy Grail sits back in his reclining chair and is almost nodding off when his mobile phone brings him back to reality with a start.
[SIZE=-1]Robert Langdon: [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]Hello? What time do you call this! It's 2 in god-damn fucking morning!
Woman: It's me you bastard.
Robert Langdon: Oh, sorry, I was just nodding off, how are you beeoooootch!
Woman: Oh, I'm swizzat fool, I was wondering if you want to go hit the town this week, maybe do a little train graffiti acton, maybe a little clubbing.
Robert Langdon: Sounds good! We should get totally rat-arsed, I'll try not to bore you to death with boring ass shit about old naked French guys spread Eagle on the floor of the Louvre. Though I did meet this French chick, Sophie Neveu, wow, let me tell you, smoking body...
Woman: Wicked foo, can't wait to hear all about it. I'll get that new leather mini-skirt I saw the other day, friday it is then. See you then.
Robert Langdon: Will, do.... Ok, Love you mum!
Roberts Mum: Shut up Pansy, It's misdemeanormum now.
Robert Langdon: Ok, Mum.. Misdemenor...whatever. Later.
*click*
Robert Langdon: Right, now, finally some sleep...
Five minutes later
*Ring, Ring, Ring!*
Robert Langdon: BOLLOCKS! .. WHAT!
Mysterious Voice: I have a secret, Mr Langdon, and I want you to go on a retarded adventure picking up clues and trying to decipher word puzzles in a quest..... To find the true nature of Jesus Christ!!!
Robert Langdon: Oh no, you have to be joking. I've just done this, he was married to Mary Magdelene.. blah, blah... some guy who likes to teabag people tried to stop me I almost got killed, huge Albino nutters blah, blah, the usual crap. Sorry, I'm going back to sleep.
Mysterious Voice: Wait! What if I told you that I know where a book with the writings of Jesus himself are being kept and they have the greatest secrets of the world buried within their pages!
Robert Langdon: I'd say that you should go get shot, take off all your clothes and lie face up with your penis pointing in the right direction, it's all I go on quests for.
Mysterious Voice: Yes, well, I don't do that kind of thing... Anymore. Oh fuck it, it's under the Mcdonalds Resteraunt in Bangor, Wales. They only have one, it will be easy to find. Go there, find it, show the world, become famous, rich, remembered, I don't care, just go get the book before Don. K. Punch and his cronies get there first!
*click*
Robert Langdon: WALES?! .. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED....
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