JANUARY: Prince Zoltan of the Underground Hordes of ZEKUS overthrown. Fanny Craddock resurrected from beyond to eliminate all 'celebrity' chefs.
FEBRUARY: Jose Mourinho joins the cast of Neighbours. Gene Simmons is fed after midnight, and the resulting cocoon reveals L'il Chris.
MARCH: Sky Magel has a lesbian catfight with Stacey Keibler. An explosion in Manchester spreads radioactive mist to Old Trafford, where Sir Alex Ferguson promptly inhales it and becomes an OMG REAL LIFE HULK.
APRIL: David Gest sheds his skin to turn into a Human-Butterfly hybrid, and promptly drops JK of Jamiroquai to his death from the top of Jeremy Clarkson's 80's afro-do.
MAY: Kelly Brook dons her Tony Stark-built exo-armour for the first time, in order to save thousands from a violent earth tremor in Tokyo. There she successfully defeats Godzilla in an arm-wrestling bout. Danii Minogue opens her own restaurant in Peckham, only to be given the STUNNER by Gordon Ramsey on opening night.
JUNE: It is a heatwave in some ovens across the UK, but this doesn't stop former Boxing Champion Frank Bruno from wearing at least 18 layers of clothing. In his first comeback bout, he is knocked out by Keith Chegwin, causing him to end his career for an unprecendented 132nd time.
JULY: Mentalist meets Captain Wacky for the first time, as they have possessed the bodies of Richard Madeley & Judy Finnigan. Alas, Menty cannot survived as Madeley, as the shop-lifting gene is in the body, causing his to try and sneak out of Threshers with the fridge (and a packet of Peanut M&M's). Meanwhile Wacky cannot control Finnigan's 'Matronly Bosom' from popping out of every choice of clothing in her wardrobe. They both return to their home bodies, only to find out Captain Jack Sparrow has eaten Keira 'Twice' Knightley. They die of shock, but return anyway for unexplained reasons.
AUGUST: John Major is knighted by the Queen, thus unlocking his latent powers of the elements. He dresses as Storm from X-Men, and wipes out an entire African village. Troops from Beverly Hills 90210 are scrambled to stop him, but it's too late - he is too powerful and millions of lives are lost. Eventually, he is stopped by a powered-up Eddie the Dog from Frasier, who's laser-eye vision burns Sir John to a crisp.
SEPTEMBER: Tom Hanks is spotted at an AA meeting, causing the Celeb-Mags to go into a frenzy. One knock-kneed weak-willed Hacks writes so furiously about alcolhism so furiously, her hands fall off. She herself turns to the bottle (DURR - She can still drink through STRAWS) until Sylvester Stallone saves her life by offering her the part of a handless female boxer in Rocky XVIII.
OCTOBER: Brannon Braga & Rick Berman throw a huge Halloween party in their private Penthouse, where Jeri Ryan is drugged, and trussed-up from the ceiling in a Superted costume for guests to beath with breadsticks like a giant Pinata. One guest gets too excited and accidently eats Jeri - GOOD NEWS though, this means he will now get all her future Royalties! During Apple Bobbing, Braga is exposed to too much water, reaching his sensitive circuits. His head spins round and eventually flies through the window of the Penthouse leaving Berman with a huge repair bill.
NOVEMBER: Madonna is forced to return her recently adopted Black Baby, owing to the fact that it was proved to be the reincarnated Stay Puft Man from Ghostbusters. Even this news cannot stop Madonna from attempting to roast 'her' child by the fire before being repossessed. Guy Ritchie promises to make a movie of the incidence using the medium of fire, dance & water. Jeff Goldblum, Wendy Richard & Troy Verne are tipped to star.
DECEMBER: A harsh winter grips USA, after a curse from Saddam Hussein causes a heavy snowfall. Hussein is promptly hung, with John Cleese being the lucky man to pull the lever. He celebrates by doing a patented 'Silly Walk' out of the room. Anna Paquin, meanwhile starts a voracious affair with Patrick Stewart, a man 471 years her senior. The pair met at a Dried Toad Convention, both actors being fans of the Chinese Stimulant for Breast Enhancement.
