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A True Canadian
- Thread starter SaintLucifer
- Start date
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
Canadian man was in a diner having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an American man chewing gum sat down next to him.
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Candian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,recycle them,transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American cracked his gum between his teeth. "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. We put all the peels,seeds and leftovers into a container, recycle and transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American replied, "Of course we do."
The Canadian asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
The American replied, "We throw them away of course."
Then the Canadian smiled. "We don't. In Canada we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
The American snapped his gum and said, "You Candian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,recycle them,transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American cracked his gum between his teeth. "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. We put all the peels,seeds and leftovers into a container, recycle and transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American replied, "Of course we do."
The Canadian asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
The American replied, "We throw them away of course."
Then the Canadian smiled. "We don't. In Canada we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe
it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe
it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting
in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one
gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it
with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he
told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out
of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into
the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he
was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off
the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun
back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we
have so many Americans you never have to drink with the
same one twice.
in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one
gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it
with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he
told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out
of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into
the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he
was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in
Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and
he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off
the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun
back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we
have so many Americans you never have to drink with the
same one twice.
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the
sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady
let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the
sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady
let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said,
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a
land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling
lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose,
high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Canadians?"
"Not really" replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going
to give them."
"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a
land of outstanding natural beauty, it shall have tall majestic
mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautifully sparkling
lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose,
high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life,
and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth"
"But Lord" asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Canadians?"
"Not really" replied God "just wait and see the neighbors I am going
to give them."
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
We Canadians have been secretly brainwashing Americans for
years. We started by sticking extra vowel sounds in our every
day speach such as adding 'U's in words like labour and colour
and adding an 'Eh' sound to the end of everything we say.
The U.S. retaliated by making everyone south of the Mason-Dixon
line talk like a bunch of hicks so that Canadians could not
understand them when driving thru to Florida vacations each winter.
Thus, the first infiltration was thwarted.
We then started sending down our singers, actors, comedians and
writer's to Hollywood to take over the industry. You control the
media you control their simple american minds. So far they have
been successful...look at how California has been changed.
This had led to further inroads throughout the states using the
National Hockey League's continued expansion of teams as a front.
Where do most of these jobs for secret agents go to...Canadian
hockey players.
Where will the clever Canucks strike next...First the U.S. and
then some day Canada will take over the entire world!
years. We started by sticking extra vowel sounds in our every
day speach such as adding 'U's in words like labour and colour
and adding an 'Eh' sound to the end of everything we say.
The U.S. retaliated by making everyone south of the Mason-Dixon
line talk like a bunch of hicks so that Canadians could not
understand them when driving thru to Florida vacations each winter.
Thus, the first infiltration was thwarted.
We then started sending down our singers, actors, comedians and
writer's to Hollywood to take over the industry. You control the
media you control their simple american minds. So far they have
been successful...look at how California has been changed.
This had led to further inroads throughout the states using the
National Hockey League's continued expansion of teams as a front.
Where do most of these jobs for secret agents go to...Canadian
hockey players.
Where will the clever Canucks strike next...First the U.S. and
then some day Canada will take over the entire world!
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
Trick question:
If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft
dodgers go?
If you were to travel to Canada, you would soon run into a
Canadian and a few of his or her friends. If you started to
have a conversation with them, you would most likely quickly
notice the extra words that the Canadians add to the English
language. At first, we thought that these words were only a
type of slang that the Canadians had some how picked up. But,
under closer inspection we have found that these extra words
such as eh? are actually a way for Canadians to secretly
communicate amongst themselves. Adding to this lack of
understanding that Americans have for the secret Canadian
language, is the fact that 25% of the Canadian population
speaks French, which most Americans cannot.
I will now try to explain the speech of the Canadians In
about 2 sentences: Canadians use "raised vowel" sounds (which
obviously shows us that they are trying to raise themselves
above Americans), which make them sound as if they come from
England. If you listen to a Canadian say "out and about", you
will hear "oot and aboot". Therefore, it is true to say that
Candians don't speak English, they speak Canadian, which is a
language in itself.
Another thing that the Canadians do in order to confuse
Americans is by using different words to describe certain
objects. For example: Canadians say, "an elastic", instead
of saying, "a rubber band". Other examples are as follows: A
chesterfield = couch. Runners = tennis shoes. Cash register =
a till. A Bum = a Butt. There are many more.
If you take the time to read some Canadian text you will
notice a lot of extra "u's behind "o's, such as in colour,
flavour, humour, and neighbour. Some of the "r"s are shy and
frightened of appearing at the end of words, as in The Centre
of Arts. This is just another example of how the Canadians are
trying to fool Americans.
If America and Canada got into a war, where would all the draft
dodgers go?
If you were to travel to Canada, you would soon run into a
Canadian and a few of his or her friends. If you started to
have a conversation with them, you would most likely quickly
notice the extra words that the Canadians add to the English
language. At first, we thought that these words were only a
type of slang that the Canadians had some how picked up. But,
under closer inspection we have found that these extra words
such as eh? are actually a way for Canadians to secretly
communicate amongst themselves. Adding to this lack of
understanding that Americans have for the secret Canadian
language, is the fact that 25% of the Canadian population
speaks French, which most Americans cannot.
I will now try to explain the speech of the Canadians In
about 2 sentences: Canadians use "raised vowel" sounds (which
obviously shows us that they are trying to raise themselves
above Americans), which make them sound as if they come from
England. If you listen to a Canadian say "out and about", you
will hear "oot and aboot". Therefore, it is true to say that
Candians don't speak English, they speak Canadian, which is a
language in itself.
Another thing that the Canadians do in order to confuse
Americans is by using different words to describe certain
objects. For example: Canadians say, "an elastic", instead
of saying, "a rubber band". Other examples are as follows: A
chesterfield = couch. Runners = tennis shoes. Cash register =
a till. A Bum = a Butt. There are many more.
If you take the time to read some Canadian text you will
notice a lot of extra "u's behind "o's, such as in colour,
flavour, humour, and neighbour. Some of the "r"s are shy and
frightened of appearing at the end of words, as in The Centre
of Arts. This is just another example of how the Canadians are
trying to fool Americans.
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
You Know You're a Torontonian When...
You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented
by the S&M crowd in Scarborough and Mississauga.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You can recommend about three good body piercing parlours.
You make well over $100,000 per year and you still can't find a
nice place to live.
You take pride in being able to walk through Chinatown
in the dead of summer without holding your breath.
You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city
than Canadian flags.
When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell
"Woohooo! Patio weather!"
You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV.
You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every
episode of speaker's Corner.
You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but
still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
You've partied with at least one of the members of
The Kids in the Hall.
You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that
are open till 11 PM.
At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver.
You never, never, never swim in the lake.
You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still
say "The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there.
You've had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder.
You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" ten times fast.
You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?"
is "The Don River".
You speak better Chinese than French.
The word "Cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularly amusing.
Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of
the universe for you.
You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for.
You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection
of being there in a past life.
You know the Demic's song "I Wanna Go To New York City" was
intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion.
You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry and Pad Thai and a
battery-operated personal pleasure device at 3 am on a weeknight.
For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!
You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of
your privacy.
It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the
envy of all your friends.
You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.
You laugh heartily at people who refer to hiway four hundred and one.
You've taken the Vomit Comet.
You can manoeuvre your bike across Queen St. without getting
caught in the streetcar tracks.
You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.
You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
Your out-of-town friends have called you to report they saw
your house in the background footage of an evening crime story
on television.
You know someone who went to high school with a member of the
Barenaked Ladies.
You know the construction crane is, of course,
Toronto's native bird.
You can not only spell "Roncesvalles" but darn near pronounce it
You always leave your 416 work number on answering machines,
even though you have a 905 number, too.
You don't blink in January to see patients in their flimsy gowns,
smoking on the hospital steps.
You've never, ever had to take a ride on the GO Train.
You pass wind in front of your dog and say "Excuse me"
If you're a woman, you have a crush on that Daley-guy who does
all the voice-overs for City-TV.
You'd forgotten there actually are restaurant inspectors in
the city health department.
You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented
by the S&M crowd in Scarborough and Mississauga.
A really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You can recommend about three good body piercing parlours.
You make well over $100,000 per year and you still can't find a
nice place to live.
You take pride in being able to walk through Chinatown
in the dead of summer without holding your breath.
You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city
than Canadian flags.
When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell
"Woohooo! Patio weather!"
You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV.
You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every
episode of speaker's Corner.
You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but
still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.
You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.
You've partied with at least one of the members of
The Kids in the Hall.
You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that
are open till 11 PM.
At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver.
You never, never, never swim in the lake.
You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still
say "The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there.
You've had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder.
You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" ten times fast.
You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?"
is "The Don River".
You speak better Chinese than French.
The word "Cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularly amusing.
Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of
the universe for you.
You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for.
You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection
of being there in a past life.
You know the Demic's song "I Wanna Go To New York City" was
intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion.
You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry and Pad Thai and a
battery-operated personal pleasure device at 3 am on a weeknight.
For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!
You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of
your privacy.
It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the
envy of all your friends.
You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.
You laugh heartily at people who refer to hiway four hundred and one.
You've taken the Vomit Comet.
You can manoeuvre your bike across Queen St. without getting
caught in the streetcar tracks.
You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.
You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
Your out-of-town friends have called you to report they saw
your house in the background footage of an evening crime story
on television.
You know someone who went to high school with a member of the
Barenaked Ladies.
You know the construction crane is, of course,
Toronto's native bird.
You can not only spell "Roncesvalles" but darn near pronounce it
You always leave your 416 work number on answering machines,
even though you have a 905 number, too.
You don't blink in January to see patients in their flimsy gowns,
smoking on the hospital steps.
You've never, ever had to take a ride on the GO Train.
You pass wind in front of your dog and say "Excuse me"
If you're a woman, you have a crush on that Daley-guy who does
all the voice-overs for City-TV.
You'd forgotten there actually are restaurant inspectors in
the city health department.
jack
The Legendary Troll King
TORONTO (AP) - Even though he didn't get his first major league complete game, Scott Kazmir was quite satisfied with beating Roy Halladay and the Toronto Blue Jays.
Kazmir came within an out of a complete game, outpitching the former AL Cy Young Award winner in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' 5-2 victory Sunday.
"One more out. Maybe next time," Kazmir said, smiling.
Coming off an opening 9-6 loss to Baltimore, Kazmir (1-1) allowed 10 hits, struck out five and walked one. After getting the first two outs of the ninth, he allowed singles to Russ Adams and Reed Johnson.
Tampa Bay then brought in Dan Miceli, who need just three pitches to end the game, retiring Frank Catalanotto on a lineout to shortstop for his second save.
"It was big for me to have my changeup working, to be able to show that I can throw it for strikes," Kazmir said. "We need to get more games like this. It shows that we can compete, that we can beat anyone."
Mixing pitches to the key for Kazmir.
"Scott pitched brilliantly," Tampa Bay manager John Maddon said. "I loved the way he pounded the strike zone. And I loved that he pitched to both sides of the plate."
Travis Lee homered, and Russell Branyan hit a tiebreaking, two-run double in the eighth for the Devil Rays, who took two of three from the new-look Blue Jays.
Tampa Bay headed to Monday's home opener against Baltimore with a 3-3 record.
"We're kind of jelling a little bit. It's getting fun," Kazmir said.
Halladay (1-1) allowed all five runs and eight hits in 7 1-3 innings. After missing the second half of last season with a broken leg, the 2003 AL Cy Young Award winner won his first start against Minnesota.
Toronto finished its opening homestand 3-3.
"We got to happy, but for us to get into it we got to find ways to win games like that," Halladay said. "Finding a way to win it - that's what is going to get us over the hump. That will make the difference."
Toronto led 2-1 until the seventh, when Lee tied it with his third homer of the season.
Halladay hit Toby Hall with a pitch leading off the eighth and, after Joey Gathright bunted into a forceout, Tomas Perez doubled to put runners on second and third.
Carl Crawford was intentionally walked, and Branyan doubled for a 4-2 lead. Aubrey Huff was intentionally walked, and Jonny Gomes chased Halladay with an RBI single.
"They chose to walk Carl. He had been tough all day long, but he left a pitch up in the zone to me and I was able to get it down the line. It was a good feeling," said Branyan, who was recalled from the minors on Wednesday after being one of the final cuts of spring training.
Tampa Bay had gone ahead in the fourth when Huff hit a run-scoring double-play grounder. Toronto took the lead in the fifth when Johnson hit an RBI single with two outs and scored on a double by Vernon Wells
Kazmir came within an out of a complete game, outpitching the former AL Cy Young Award winner in the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' 5-2 victory Sunday.
"One more out. Maybe next time," Kazmir said, smiling.
Coming off an opening 9-6 loss to Baltimore, Kazmir (1-1) allowed 10 hits, struck out five and walked one. After getting the first two outs of the ninth, he allowed singles to Russ Adams and Reed Johnson.
Tampa Bay then brought in Dan Miceli, who need just three pitches to end the game, retiring Frank Catalanotto on a lineout to shortstop for his second save.
"It was big for me to have my changeup working, to be able to show that I can throw it for strikes," Kazmir said. "We need to get more games like this. It shows that we can compete, that we can beat anyone."
Mixing pitches to the key for Kazmir.
"Scott pitched brilliantly," Tampa Bay manager John Maddon said. "I loved the way he pounded the strike zone. And I loved that he pitched to both sides of the plate."
Travis Lee homered, and Russell Branyan hit a tiebreaking, two-run double in the eighth for the Devil Rays, who took two of three from the new-look Blue Jays.
Tampa Bay headed to Monday's home opener against Baltimore with a 3-3 record.
"We're kind of jelling a little bit. It's getting fun," Kazmir said.
Halladay (1-1) allowed all five runs and eight hits in 7 1-3 innings. After missing the second half of last season with a broken leg, the 2003 AL Cy Young Award winner won his first start against Minnesota.
Toronto finished its opening homestand 3-3.
"We got to happy, but for us to get into it we got to find ways to win games like that," Halladay said. "Finding a way to win it - that's what is going to get us over the hump. That will make the difference."
Toronto led 2-1 until the seventh, when Lee tied it with his third homer of the season.
Halladay hit Toby Hall with a pitch leading off the eighth and, after Joey Gathright bunted into a forceout, Tomas Perez doubled to put runners on second and third.
Carl Crawford was intentionally walked, and Branyan doubled for a 4-2 lead. Aubrey Huff was intentionally walked, and Jonny Gomes chased Halladay with an RBI single.
"They chose to walk Carl. He had been tough all day long, but he left a pitch up in the zone to me and I was able to get it down the line. It was a good feeling," said Branyan, who was recalled from the minors on Wednesday after being one of the final cuts of spring training.
Tampa Bay had gone ahead in the fourth when Huff hit a run-scoring double-play grounder. Toronto took the lead in the fifth when Johnson hit an RBI single with two outs and scored on a double by Vernon Wells
SaintLucifer
beer, I want beer
jack said:
The season has only begun my dear child. No doubt ONE Red Sox player earns more than the entire Blue Jays salary.