CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
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Ah, it's a HEAD BAG. Choc full of...headed goodness!
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Oh, look out, Smithers!
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
MAIN TITLES:
CHOIR / ANGELIC VOICES: The Simpsons!
Pan over Springfield Power Plant and the rest of Springfield.
Then, the camera works its way through a school window to see Bart Simpson.
He writes: "I did not see Elvis." on the chalkboard.
The bell rings and he runs out of the classroom and then out of the school on his skateboard.
After a high leap, he lands on the sidewalk and continues.
CUT TO:
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
HOMER SIMPSON operates on a green piece of nuclear-something. Another worker eats a sandwich behind him.
A whistle blows. Homer takes off his mask and leaves. The green thing bounces off the table and lands on his shirt.
CUT TO:
SUPERMARKET
MARGE SIMPSON reads a magazine (Mom Monthly) as food items are checked behind her. Suddenly, MAGGIE SIMPSON, her baby daughter, comes into frame and slides across, unnoticed.
She is scanned and placed in a shopping bag inside a cart. Marge is surprised as her head pops out. Then, she breathes a sigh of relief and continues.
CUT TO:
SCHOOL BAND ROOM
Lisa Simpson plays a different tune (The Simpsons tune) than the rest of the class. Her instructor forces her out and she plays and dances as she walks out the door.
CUT TO:
HOMER'S CAR
Homer drives his pink car on a road. He feels something uncomfortable behind his back and reaches for the green thingy. He proceeds to throw it out of the car where---
Bart slides up and snatches it up before looking at a display of TVs in a shop window and dodging a slew of pedestrians at a bus stop. He grabs the BUS STOP sign away. The bus suddenly passes them and they run off after it.
They run across a road where---
Marge passes in her car.
Inside, Maggie plays with a toy wheel. They make several turns and then honk the horn together.
CUT TO:
Lisa attempts to handle a whole tower of books as she rides her bike. She reaches the Simpsons house, where she slides off the bike, takes her instrument, and runs into the front door.
Seconds later, Homer arrives and parks outside. Before he steps out, Bart flies over, lands on the car, and continues skating.
Homer steps out and shrieks in horror as Marge's car heads towards him. he runs into the garage and through a door into the house.
CUT TO:
The whole family squeezes into the couch and Bart is sent flying into the air. He falls after the Matt Groening credit (same thing as a couple episodes ago)
ON THEIR TV:
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, Sam Simon
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
HOMER and BART walk along a dark street at night. Bart carries some object in his hands.
HOMER: You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half--
They walk around a corner and Homer gasps. A wild crowd of people with torches and posterboards yell at Homer and Bart.
BURNS: Look, there it is, the head!
KRUSTY: Kill him!
Homer and Bart set off on a run and we get a clear shot of the head. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield. The crowd chases them around several corners before they find themselves trapped.
Desperately, they run into an alley and emerge into the center of Springfield (a park).
They stand under the statue of Jebediah Springfield, minus the head.
HOMER: They got us cornered, boy. We'll never get away. Give me the head.
BART: No, Dad. This whole thing was my fault. You run along.
HOMER: Son, we're in this mess together. No matter how tempting it might be, I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.
BART: Aw, Dad.
HOMER: We'll die together, like a father and son should.
REVEREND LOVEJOY: Look, now we've got 'em!
BARNEY: Hey, that's Homer Simpson.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: And his kid, Bart.
BURNS: Let's kill them! Bring them out!
OTTO: Off the kid, man! Off him!
The crowd chants "Kill Bart" and "Kill Homer".
BARNEY: Let's kill this guy!
Bart suddenly climbs up the statue and turns to face the crowd.
BART: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
BARNEY: How long will this story take?
BART: Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds.
RANDOM PEOPLE: It's too long! 23:05?
KRUSTY: Well, all right. Go ahead.
BART: Okay. It all started Sunday morning.
DISSOLVE TO (FLASHBACK):
At the Simpson house, MARGE stands at the bottom of the stairs dressed for church.
MARGE: Kids! We're late for church. Get your butts down here right now!
LISA and MAGGIE slowly walk down while Bart slides quickly.
LISA: Ready for inspection, Mom.
MARGE: Very nice, Maggie. And Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position.
Bart puts his hands against the wall. Marge searches his pockets and brings out a slingshot, some dice, a comic book.
MARGE: Oh, Bart. Now where's your father?
CUT TO:
Homer stands on the couch in the living room, dressed in a blue seat. He watches the TV intensely.
ANNOUNCER: Phillips has broken free.
HOMER: Get 'em. Get 'em.
ANNOUNCER: The 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10.
HOMER: Oh, no!
ANNOUNCER: Touchdown!
MARGE: Homer?
HOMER: D'oh!
ANNOUNCER: A 64 yard run! We've got an upset in the making.
HOMER: No, we don't. Try being objective for once in your -ooh?
MARGE: Let's go, Homer.
HOMER: But you don't understand, Marge. I have 50 bucks riding on this game.
MARGE: Oh, Homer, you promised me.
HOMER: This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead-pipe cinch.
Marge groans.
ANNOUNCER: Here's the kickoff. Wolodarsky takes it at the five. And oh, my. He fumbles!
HOMER: Oh, no!
ANNOUNCER: In the endzone! Another touchdown!
HOMER: D'oh!
MARGE: Come on.
Homer screams into his arms.
CUT TO:
Homer drives the car. An angry look is on his face.
MARGE: Why should I feel like a traffic cop every Sunday morning? I'm just trying to get a little goodness into the family.
Homer flips the dial on the radio.
HOMER: Where is it? The game! Where is it? Ahh!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...got Wolodarsky open in the end zone. He throws it.
HOMER: Catch it. Catch it.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's complete. Touchdown!
HOMER: All right!
He honks his horn.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Oh, Doctor, we've got a barn burner here. This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.
HOMER: Laza who?
The car drives up to the front of the church and stops. The whole family steps out.
MARGE: Come on, everybody. We're late. Bart, I want you to promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. Bart. Bart?
He's too busy listening to music to hear her.
MARGE: Bart!
BART: Whoa! Are you talking to me?
MARGE: What's this?
She reaches into his jacket.
MARGE (gasps): A personal stereo. Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school?
BART: Maybe.
She yanks it away and Bart yells a bit in pain.
MARGE: Can you believe this, Homer? Homer? Homer?
She hears the horn honking. Homer is banging his head against the steering wheel.
HOMER: No, no, no! We stink! We stink.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10. Touchdown!
MARGE: Homer, were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over?
HOMER: Maybe.
MARGE: It's because of your irreverent attitude that Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school. Now move it!
She throws the stereo into the car.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Now here's the kickoff. Wolodarsky takes it at the five. And oh my. He fumbles!
Homer slowly picks up the stereo.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart sits along other students (such as Milhouse) in their class. Their teacher stands in front of them.
GIRL: Will my dog Pepper be there?
TEACHER: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
GIRL: Why not?
TEACHER: Because heaven is for people.
LISA: What about my cat, Snowball?
TEACHER: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
MILHOUSE: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
TEACHER: Certainly not.
BART: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
TEACHER: For the last time, Bart, yes!
CUT TO:
The main service. Reverend Lovejoy stands on his podium, speaking to the crowd as an organ plays.
REV. LOVEJOY: Now, I'd like to begin today's sermon, which I have entitled "Gambling, the Eighth Deadly Sin". Today is Sunday, the Lord's day and yet, at this very moment, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house, worshipping a false idol -- professional football.
Homer sits in the crowd, Bart's earphones in his ear.
REV. LOVEJOY: Oh, Lord---
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a beautiful Sunday. Perfect football weather for this incredible game. And by the way, this game is being brought to you by the good people at Duff beer.
A single word of Lovejoy's cannot be heard.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: You can't get enough...of that wonderful Duff. Now, they're lining up for this crucial kick. One final tick of the clock remains.
The crowd goes into a praying position under command of Reverend Lovejoy.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: If they win, it will cap an amazing comeback.
It appears as if Lovejoy is now mouthing the words of the announcer (even though he isn't).
RADIO ANNOUNCER: But it's a 49 yard field goal into the wind.
HOMER: Make it! Make it! Make it! Make it!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: The kick is up...
HOMER: Oh, please, please, please, please!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Holy Toledo, it's good!
Homer stands up, raises his fists into the air, and yells.
HOMER: It's good! It's good! It's good!
Everybody looks at him strangely.
HOMER: It's good...to see you all at church.
REV. LOVEJOY: Please, be seated, Homer.
MARGE: Yeah, sit down, Homer.
She pulls him down.
CUT TO:
Back to Bart's class, where the teacher has sat down and is rubbing her head in pain.
TEACHER: The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't.
BART: Oh, oh, oh! Me!
He raises his hand.
TEACHER: Bart?
BART: What about a robot with a human brain?
TEACHER: I don't know! All these questions! Is a little blind faith too much to ask?
A bell tolls and the children all rush away in enjoyment.
TEACHER: Don't forget next week. Remember to read--- (sighs).
CUT TO:
The front entrance, where Lovejoy talks with people.
WOMAN: That was very nice, Father.
REV. LOVEJOY: I was pleased you enjoyed it.
The Simpsons march up.
REV. LOVEJOY: I seemed to have struck a chord with you today, Homer.
HOMER: What? Oh, yeah, you were great.
MARGE: Homer!
She pushes him through the door.
CUT TO:
The family is driving back in the car. Marge is furious.
MARGE: Homer, you embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation. And today's sermon was one you really should have listened to.
HOMER: What was it about?
MARGE: Gambling.
HOMER: Oh. He didn't by any chance say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?
MARGE: No! Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore in front of the kids. Lisa, Bart. What did you two learn in Sunday school today?
LISA: The answers to deep theological questions.
BART: Yeah. Among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
HOMER: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
BART: Our teacher.
HOMER: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
The car suddenly stops and Bart looks out at a movie theater.
BART: Oh, cool, man. Space Mutants 4. Drop me off! Drop me off!
MARGE: No way, Jose.
HOMER: Marge, they're only space mutants.
MARGE: Uh-uh, I know what those movies are like. Killing innocent people eating human flesh. You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
Bart is disappointed and he sulks a bit.
DISSOLVE TO:
The living room, later. Homer lies on the couch when Bart walks in.
BART: Hey, Dad, can I have five bucks?
HOMER: I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie starring certain space mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see (chuckles).
BART: (laughs): Perish the thought.
HOMER: Here you go, son. Share the wealth. That's what I always say.
Bart walks up the stairs and undresses as he makes his way into his bedroom. He puts on his standard shorts and orange shirt. He picks up his skateboard, swings out his window, and skates off.
BART: Da da da da da! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh, cowabunga.
Bart arrives at the theater and skates by two bullies (Kearny and Jimbo).
JIMBO: Hey, hot dog!
BART: What?
He turns his head to look and smashes into a light post.
JIMBO: Nice dismount, man.
The two bullies laugh.
BART: Didn't hurt.
KEARNY: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again.
BART: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
Jimbo laughs.
KEARNY: You little punk!
JIMBO: Hey, man, leave the kid alone. I like him.
BART: You do?
JIMBO: Yeah, you're witty. So what's your name, man?
BART: I'm Bart Simpson.
JIMBO: This here's Kearny, and I'm Jimbo.
BART: You don't need an introduction. You're the worst kid in school.
JIMBO: Thanks.
A door opens behind them.
VOICE: Psst. Coast is clear.
BART: You guys are sneakin' in?
KEARNY: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
JIMBO: Hey, Bart, come on.
BART: But sneaking into a movie is practically stealing, man.
KEARNY: Practically?
JIMBO: It is stealing.
BART: Well, okay, I just wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves.
Bart is yanked in. A large line stands at the main entrance.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
The movie. A COUPLE sits in a convertible, making out.
GIRL: Wait, I think I hear something.
BOY: Oh, come on, loosen up, babe. There's nobody here but you and me.
Bart sits between Kearny and Jimbo, who watch in complete interest.
GIRL: No. Stop it! I think I hear something...not human.
Bart makes a farting noise and the entire gang laughs.
BOY: Let's get romantic.
The boy starts kissing the girl.
GIRL: Well, okay.
They both scream as a three-eyed mutant yanks them up from the car.
Bart and Jimbo scream as, in the same fashion, the MANAGER picks them up from their seats.
MANAGER: You little sneaks, you're coming with me.
He throws them out of the theater.
MANAGER: Next time you hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents!
KEARNY: Oh, yeah? Well, we don't wanna see your crummy movie anyway.
OTHER BULLY: Yeah, we'll take our business elsewhere.
JIMBO: You know, Bart, I've been kicked out of all four Space Mutant movies.
BART: Wow, man.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and the boys stare through a convenience store door. They walk in. Turns out its the Quick-E Mart. APU waits at the counter.
BART: Three jumbo cherry squishies and one double jumbo original flavor, sir.
APU: Okay. Don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back of my head.
Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully stuff goodies into their pocket as Apu makes the squishies.
APU: Four fifty-two.
BART: Don't worry, guys. It's on me. Share the wealth, that's what I always say.
Bart laughs. Silence.
BART: Guys?
Bart looks outside.
BART: Guys?
CUT TO:
The parking lot. Bart eventually finds them. They're eating snacks and reading magazines.
BART: Hey, guys. Where'd you get all that great stuff?
OTHER BULLY: Five-finger discount, man.
BART: You ripped it off?
JIMBO: Yeah, thanks for covering for us, man.
They snatch the squishies away.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and the boys arrive at the small park, where they spot the Jebediah Springfield statue.
Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully throw rocks at the statue. It ricochets and bounces to the ground.
JIMBO: Go on, Bart.
BART: But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48.
BULLIES: So?
Jimbo sticks out a rock.
BART: So...watch me hit him right between the eyes.
He grabs the rock and throws it. It bounces off the head.
A SHOP OWNER steps out of his store.
SHOP OWNER: Hey, what are you doing? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs.
He heads towards them.
JIMBO: Oooh, we're really scared.
They walk off as he runs towards them,
SHOP OWNER: Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Hey, hey you!
DISSOLVE TO:
The four of them lying in a field of grass, slurping Squishies.
KEARNY: You know, when you look up at clouds in the sky, they start looking like stuff.
OTHER BULLY: No, they don't.
KEARNY: Yeah, they do. Like that one over there looks just like a cherry bomb.
It's true; perhaps a bit too true. The cloud looks EXACTLY like a cherry bomb.
OTHER BULLY: Hey, you're right. And look at that one. It looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back.
Same thing as the first cloud.
JIMBO: Yeah, that one looks like a school bus going over a cliff in flames, with kids inside screaming.
BART: That one looks just like the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield.
OTHER BULLY: Does not.
BART: Does too. I mean, without the head of course.
Sure enough, the cloud shows the explorer kneeling on his stand, minus the head.
JIMBO: Oh, yeah. I wish someone really would cut his ugly old head off.
BART: You do?
KEARNY: Yeah, that'd be cool.
OTHER BULLY: Sure would cheese everybody off.
BART: But guys, come on. Don't you remember history class? Jebediah once killed a bear with his bare hands.
OTHER BULLY: Oh, sorry.
KEARNY: We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield.
JIMBO: Yeah, he's your boyfriend.
KEARNY: Yeah.
BART: Come on, guys. Knock it off.
JIMBO: Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool.
They laugh as Bart slowly walks away.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart walks with head down in shame. He arrives at the park, where he stares up at the statue. Voices replay in his head.
JIMBO: Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool.
Bart looks up at the head once more.
BART: Aha!
He runs off.
DISSOLVE TO:
Homer sits alongside Maggie, looking through a bowling magazine.
HOMER: Wow! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks?
Maggie sucks her pacifier. Homer turns the page and gasps.
HOMER: Now I've seen everything. Black marbleized with a liquid center.
He shows her the book.
HOMER: The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit them.
BART: Dad, can I talk to you about something?
Homer brings the magazine done, revealing Bart's face.
HOMER: Sure, boy, what's on your mind?
He puts Bart on his lap.
BART: Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
HOMER: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
BART: So, like, sometimes you could do stuff you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
HOMER: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
BART: No.
HOMER: Are you?
BART: No!
HOMER: Then run along you little scamp. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
Bart walks out of the kitchen as we:
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart's bedroom. The alarm clock rings and a hand stealthily stops it. A shadow moves across the house. They peek into Homer's room. The magazine is on top of Homer, he is sleeping and drooling.
The door shuts. Bart (the shadow) slides down the staircase. He is dressed in a black suit which makes him close to unrecognizable. He jumps around like a ninja.
He steps on the cat, but then claps his hand over its mouth. He proceeds to open a window, throw the cat out, and climb out himself. He moves across the front yard.
He's seen running through Springfield, past a traffic light, past the movie theater (now closed). He arrives and looks down to see a large shadow. It is Jebediah Springfield, looming over him.
He takes out a saw from his back and climbs the statue. At the top, he begins cutting and cutting as we move back to show a lot of Springfield. There is a loud clank and the head falls against the ground.
BART: What have I done?
FADE TO BLACK
CHOIR / ANGELIC VOICES: The Simpsons!
Pan over Springfield Power Plant and the rest of Springfield.
Then, the camera works its way through a school window to see Bart Simpson.
He writes: "I did not see Elvis." on the chalkboard.
The bell rings and he runs out of the classroom and then out of the school on his skateboard.
After a high leap, he lands on the sidewalk and continues.
CUT TO:
NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
HOMER SIMPSON operates on a green piece of nuclear-something. Another worker eats a sandwich behind him.
A whistle blows. Homer takes off his mask and leaves. The green thing bounces off the table and lands on his shirt.
CUT TO:
SUPERMARKET
MARGE SIMPSON reads a magazine (Mom Monthly) as food items are checked behind her. Suddenly, MAGGIE SIMPSON, her baby daughter, comes into frame and slides across, unnoticed.
She is scanned and placed in a shopping bag inside a cart. Marge is surprised as her head pops out. Then, she breathes a sigh of relief and continues.
CUT TO:
SCHOOL BAND ROOM
Lisa Simpson plays a different tune (The Simpsons tune) than the rest of the class. Her instructor forces her out and she plays and dances as she walks out the door.
CUT TO:
HOMER'S CAR
Homer drives his pink car on a road. He feels something uncomfortable behind his back and reaches for the green thingy. He proceeds to throw it out of the car where---
Bart slides up and snatches it up before looking at a display of TVs in a shop window and dodging a slew of pedestrians at a bus stop. He grabs the BUS STOP sign away. The bus suddenly passes them and they run off after it.
They run across a road where---
Marge passes in her car.
Inside, Maggie plays with a toy wheel. They make several turns and then honk the horn together.
CUT TO:
Lisa attempts to handle a whole tower of books as she rides her bike. She reaches the Simpsons house, where she slides off the bike, takes her instrument, and runs into the front door.
Seconds later, Homer arrives and parks outside. Before he steps out, Bart flies over, lands on the car, and continues skating.
Homer steps out and shrieks in horror as Marge's car heads towards him. he runs into the garage and through a door into the house.
CUT TO:
The whole family squeezes into the couch and Bart is sent flying into the air. He falls after the Matt Groening credit (same thing as a couple episodes ago)
ON THEIR TV:
Created by Matt Groening
Developed by James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, Sam Simon
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
HOMER and BART walk along a dark street at night. Bart carries some object in his hands.
HOMER: You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half--
They walk around a corner and Homer gasps. A wild crowd of people with torches and posterboards yell at Homer and Bart.
BURNS: Look, there it is, the head!
KRUSTY: Kill him!
Homer and Bart set off on a run and we get a clear shot of the head. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield. The crowd chases them around several corners before they find themselves trapped.
Desperately, they run into an alley and emerge into the center of Springfield (a park).
They stand under the statue of Jebediah Springfield, minus the head.
HOMER: They got us cornered, boy. We'll never get away. Give me the head.
BART: No, Dad. This whole thing was my fault. You run along.
HOMER: Son, we're in this mess together. No matter how tempting it might be, I can't let my only boy get ripped limb from limb by a bloodthirsty mob.
BART: Aw, Dad.
HOMER: We'll die together, like a father and son should.
REVEREND LOVEJOY: Look, now we've got 'em!
BARNEY: Hey, that's Homer Simpson.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: And his kid, Bart.
BURNS: Let's kill them! Bring them out!
OTTO: Off the kid, man! Off him!
The crowd chants "Kill Bart" and "Kill Homer".
BARNEY: Let's kill this guy!
Bart suddenly climbs up the statue and turns to face the crowd.
BART: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives. At least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
BARNEY: How long will this story take?
BART: Uh, about 23 minutes and 5 seconds.
RANDOM PEOPLE: It's too long! 23:05?
KRUSTY: Well, all right. Go ahead.
BART: Okay. It all started Sunday morning.
DISSOLVE TO (FLASHBACK):
At the Simpson house, MARGE stands at the bottom of the stairs dressed for church.
MARGE: Kids! We're late for church. Get your butts down here right now!
LISA and MAGGIE slowly walk down while Bart slides quickly.
LISA: Ready for inspection, Mom.
MARGE: Very nice, Maggie. And Lisa, you look lovely. Bart, assume the position.
Bart puts his hands against the wall. Marge searches his pockets and brings out a slingshot, some dice, a comic book.
MARGE: Oh, Bart. Now where's your father?
CUT TO:
Homer stands on the couch in the living room, dressed in a blue seat. He watches the TV intensely.
ANNOUNCER: Phillips has broken free.
HOMER: Get 'em. Get 'em.
ANNOUNCER: The 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10.
HOMER: Oh, no!
ANNOUNCER: Touchdown!
MARGE: Homer?
HOMER: D'oh!
ANNOUNCER: A 64 yard run! We've got an upset in the making.
HOMER: No, we don't. Try being objective for once in your -ooh?
MARGE: Let's go, Homer.
HOMER: But you don't understand, Marge. I have 50 bucks riding on this game.
MARGE: Oh, Homer, you promised me.
HOMER: This isn't gambling, Marge. It's a lead-pipe cinch.
Marge groans.
ANNOUNCER: Here's the kickoff. Wolodarsky takes it at the five. And oh, my. He fumbles!
HOMER: Oh, no!
ANNOUNCER: In the endzone! Another touchdown!
HOMER: D'oh!
MARGE: Come on.
Homer screams into his arms.
CUT TO:
Homer drives the car. An angry look is on his face.
MARGE: Why should I feel like a traffic cop every Sunday morning? I'm just trying to get a little goodness into the family.
Homer flips the dial on the radio.
HOMER: Where is it? The game! Where is it? Ahh!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...got Wolodarsky open in the end zone. He throws it.
HOMER: Catch it. Catch it.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's complete. Touchdown!
HOMER: All right!
He honks his horn.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Oh, Doctor, we've got a barn burner here. This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose from the dead.
HOMER: Laza who?
The car drives up to the front of the church and stops. The whole family steps out.
MARGE: Come on, everybody. We're late. Bart, I want you to promise me you'll pay attention in Sunday school. Bart. Bart?
He's too busy listening to music to hear her.
MARGE: Bart!
BART: Whoa! Are you talking to me?
MARGE: What's this?
She reaches into his jacket.
MARGE (gasps): A personal stereo. Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday school?
BART: Maybe.
She yanks it away and Bart yells a bit in pain.
MARGE: Can you believe this, Homer? Homer? Homer?
She hears the horn honking. Homer is banging his head against the steering wheel.
HOMER: No, no, no! We stink! We stink.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...the 40, the 30, the 20, the 10. Touchdown!
MARGE: Homer, were you planning on sitting in the car till the game was over?
HOMER: Maybe.
MARGE: It's because of your irreverent attitude that Bart thinks he can sneak headphones into Sunday school. Now move it!
She throws the stereo into the car.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Now here's the kickoff. Wolodarsky takes it at the five. And oh my. He fumbles!
Homer slowly picks up the stereo.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart sits along other students (such as Milhouse) in their class. Their teacher stands in front of them.
GIRL: Will my dog Pepper be there?
TEACHER: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
GIRL: Why not?
TEACHER: Because heaven is for people.
LISA: What about my cat, Snowball?
TEACHER: I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
MILHOUSE: Will there be cavemen in heaven?
TEACHER: Certainly not.
BART: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person, but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene, and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
TEACHER: For the last time, Bart, yes!
CUT TO:
The main service. Reverend Lovejoy stands on his podium, speaking to the crowd as an organ plays.
REV. LOVEJOY: Now, I'd like to begin today's sermon, which I have entitled "Gambling, the Eighth Deadly Sin". Today is Sunday, the Lord's day and yet, at this very moment, millions of Americans are not in the Lord's house. They're in their own house, worshipping a false idol -- professional football.
Homer sits in the crowd, Bart's earphones in his ear.
REV. LOVEJOY: Oh, Lord---
RADIO ANNOUNCER: It's a beautiful Sunday. Perfect football weather for this incredible game. And by the way, this game is being brought to you by the good people at Duff beer.
A single word of Lovejoy's cannot be heard.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: You can't get enough...of that wonderful Duff. Now, they're lining up for this crucial kick. One final tick of the clock remains.
The crowd goes into a praying position under command of Reverend Lovejoy.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: If they win, it will cap an amazing comeback.
It appears as if Lovejoy is now mouthing the words of the announcer (even though he isn't).
RADIO ANNOUNCER: But it's a 49 yard field goal into the wind.
HOMER: Make it! Make it! Make it! Make it!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: The kick is up...
HOMER: Oh, please, please, please, please!
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Holy Toledo, it's good!
Homer stands up, raises his fists into the air, and yells.
HOMER: It's good! It's good! It's good!
Everybody looks at him strangely.
HOMER: It's good...to see you all at church.
REV. LOVEJOY: Please, be seated, Homer.
MARGE: Yeah, sit down, Homer.
She pulls him down.
CUT TO:
Back to Bart's class, where the teacher has sat down and is rubbing her head in pain.
TEACHER: The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't.
BART: Oh, oh, oh! Me!
He raises his hand.
TEACHER: Bart?
BART: What about a robot with a human brain?
TEACHER: I don't know! All these questions! Is a little blind faith too much to ask?
A bell tolls and the children all rush away in enjoyment.
TEACHER: Don't forget next week. Remember to read--- (sighs).
CUT TO:
The front entrance, where Lovejoy talks with people.
WOMAN: That was very nice, Father.
REV. LOVEJOY: I was pleased you enjoyed it.
The Simpsons march up.
REV. LOVEJOY: I seemed to have struck a chord with you today, Homer.
HOMER: What? Oh, yeah, you were great.
MARGE: Homer!
She pushes him through the door.
CUT TO:
The family is driving back in the car. Marge is furious.
MARGE: Homer, you embarrassed us in front of the whole congregation. And today's sermon was one you really should have listened to.
HOMER: What was it about?
MARGE: Gambling.
HOMER: Oh. He didn't by any chance say that under certain circumstances it was all right, did he?
MARGE: No! Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore in front of the kids. Lisa, Bart. What did you two learn in Sunday school today?
LISA: The answers to deep theological questions.
BART: Yeah. Among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
HOMER: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
BART: Our teacher.
HOMER: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us, who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
The car suddenly stops and Bart looks out at a movie theater.
BART: Oh, cool, man. Space Mutants 4. Drop me off! Drop me off!
MARGE: No way, Jose.
HOMER: Marge, they're only space mutants.
MARGE: Uh-uh, I know what those movies are like. Killing innocent people eating human flesh. You'll just get a lot of bad ideas.
Bart is disappointed and he sulks a bit.
DISSOLVE TO:
The living room, later. Homer lies on the couch when Bart walks in.
BART: Hey, Dad, can I have five bucks?
HOMER: I hope you're not planning to see a certain movie starring certain space mutants that a certain mother didn't want you to see (chuckles).
BART: (laughs): Perish the thought.
HOMER: Here you go, son. Share the wealth. That's what I always say.
Bart walks up the stairs and undresses as he makes his way into his bedroom. He puts on his standard shorts and orange shirt. He picks up his skateboard, swings out his window, and skates off.
BART: Da da da da da! Whoa! Whoa! Ooh, cowabunga.
Bart arrives at the theater and skates by two bullies (Kearny and Jimbo).
JIMBO: Hey, hot dog!
BART: What?
He turns his head to look and smashes into a light post.
JIMBO: Nice dismount, man.
The two bullies laugh.
BART: Didn't hurt.
KEARNY: Oh, yeah? Well, do it again.
BART: Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
Jimbo laughs.
KEARNY: You little punk!
JIMBO: Hey, man, leave the kid alone. I like him.
BART: You do?
JIMBO: Yeah, you're witty. So what's your name, man?
BART: I'm Bart Simpson.
JIMBO: This here's Kearny, and I'm Jimbo.
BART: You don't need an introduction. You're the worst kid in school.
JIMBO: Thanks.
A door opens behind them.
VOICE: Psst. Coast is clear.
BART: You guys are sneakin' in?
KEARNY: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies.
JIMBO: Hey, Bart, come on.
BART: But sneaking into a movie is practically stealing, man.
KEARNY: Practically?
JIMBO: It is stealing.
BART: Well, okay, I just wanted to make sure we weren't deluding ourselves.
Bart is yanked in. A large line stands at the main entrance.
FADE OUT
FADE IN:
The movie. A COUPLE sits in a convertible, making out.
GIRL: Wait, I think I hear something.
BOY: Oh, come on, loosen up, babe. There's nobody here but you and me.
Bart sits between Kearny and Jimbo, who watch in complete interest.
GIRL: No. Stop it! I think I hear something...not human.
Bart makes a farting noise and the entire gang laughs.
BOY: Let's get romantic.
The boy starts kissing the girl.
GIRL: Well, okay.
They both scream as a three-eyed mutant yanks them up from the car.
Bart and Jimbo scream as, in the same fashion, the MANAGER picks them up from their seats.
MANAGER: You little sneaks, you're coming with me.
He throws them out of the theater.
MANAGER: Next time you hoodlums try this, I'm calling your parents!
KEARNY: Oh, yeah? Well, we don't wanna see your crummy movie anyway.
OTHER BULLY: Yeah, we'll take our business elsewhere.
JIMBO: You know, Bart, I've been kicked out of all four Space Mutant movies.
BART: Wow, man.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and the boys stare through a convenience store door. They walk in. Turns out its the Quick-E Mart. APU waits at the counter.
BART: Three jumbo cherry squishies and one double jumbo original flavor, sir.
APU: Okay. Don't you kids take anything. I'm watching you. I've got eyes in the back of my head.
Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully stuff goodies into their pocket as Apu makes the squishies.
APU: Four fifty-two.
BART: Don't worry, guys. It's on me. Share the wealth, that's what I always say.
Bart laughs. Silence.
BART: Guys?
Bart looks outside.
BART: Guys?
CUT TO:
The parking lot. Bart eventually finds them. They're eating snacks and reading magazines.
BART: Hey, guys. Where'd you get all that great stuff?
OTHER BULLY: Five-finger discount, man.
BART: You ripped it off?
JIMBO: Yeah, thanks for covering for us, man.
They snatch the squishies away.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and the boys arrive at the small park, where they spot the Jebediah Springfield statue.
Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully throw rocks at the statue. It ricochets and bounces to the ground.
JIMBO: Go on, Bart.
BART: But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48.
BULLIES: So?
Jimbo sticks out a rock.
BART: So...watch me hit him right between the eyes.
He grabs the rock and throws it. It bounces off the head.
A SHOP OWNER steps out of his store.
SHOP OWNER: Hey, what are you doing? Show a little respect, you insolent little thugs.
He heads towards them.
JIMBO: Oooh, we're really scared.
They walk off as he runs towards them,
SHOP OWNER: Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Hey, hey you!
DISSOLVE TO:
The four of them lying in a field of grass, slurping Squishies.
KEARNY: You know, when you look up at clouds in the sky, they start looking like stuff.
OTHER BULLY: No, they don't.
KEARNY: Yeah, they do. Like that one over there looks just like a cherry bomb.
It's true; perhaps a bit too true. The cloud looks EXACTLY like a cherry bomb.
OTHER BULLY: Hey, you're right. And look at that one. It looks like a guy with a switchblade stuck in his back.
Same thing as the first cloud.
JIMBO: Yeah, that one looks like a school bus going over a cliff in flames, with kids inside screaming.
BART: That one looks just like the statue of our town founder, Jebediah Springfield.
OTHER BULLY: Does not.
BART: Does too. I mean, without the head of course.
Sure enough, the cloud shows the explorer kneeling on his stand, minus the head.
JIMBO: Oh, yeah. I wish someone really would cut his ugly old head off.
BART: You do?
KEARNY: Yeah, that'd be cool.
OTHER BULLY: Sure would cheese everybody off.
BART: But guys, come on. Don't you remember history class? Jebediah once killed a bear with his bare hands.
OTHER BULLY: Oh, sorry.
KEARNY: We forgot how much you love Jebediah Springfield.
JIMBO: Yeah, he's your boyfriend.
KEARNY: Yeah.
BART: Come on, guys. Knock it off.
JIMBO: Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool.
They laugh as Bart slowly walks away.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart walks with head down in shame. He arrives at the park, where he stares up at the statue. Voices replay in his head.
JIMBO: Beat it, Simpson. Man, I thought you were cool.
Bart looks up at the head once more.
BART: Aha!
He runs off.
DISSOLVE TO:
Homer sits alongside Maggie, looking through a bowling magazine.
HOMER: Wow! Look at these bowling balls, Maggie. Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his hard-won 50 bucks?
Maggie sucks her pacifier. Homer turns the page and gasps.
HOMER: Now I've seen everything. Black marbleized with a liquid center.
He shows her the book.
HOMER: The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit them.
BART: Dad, can I talk to you about something?
Homer brings the magazine done, revealing Bart's face.
HOMER: Sure, boy, what's on your mind?
He puts Bart on his lap.
BART: Well, I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
HOMER: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
BART: So, like, sometimes you could do stuff you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
HOMER: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
BART: No.
HOMER: Are you?
BART: No!
HOMER: Then run along you little scamp. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
Bart walks out of the kitchen as we:
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart's bedroom. The alarm clock rings and a hand stealthily stops it. A shadow moves across the house. They peek into Homer's room. The magazine is on top of Homer, he is sleeping and drooling.
The door shuts. Bart (the shadow) slides down the staircase. He is dressed in a black suit which makes him close to unrecognizable. He jumps around like a ninja.
He steps on the cat, but then claps his hand over its mouth. He proceeds to open a window, throw the cat out, and climb out himself. He moves across the front yard.
He's seen running through Springfield, past a traffic light, past the movie theater (now closed). He arrives and looks down to see a large shadow. It is Jebediah Springfield, looming over him.
He takes out a saw from his back and climbs the statue. At the top, he begins cutting and cutting as we move back to show a lot of Springfield. There is a loud clank and the head falls against the ground.
BART: What have I done?
FADE TO BLACK
Eggs Mayonnaise
All In With The Nuts
FADE IN;
A shot of the Simpsons house before we find Bart asleep in his bed. He yawns, opens his eyes --- and finds himself staring straight at the head! He screams.
MARGE: Bart, are you all right?
BART: Uh, yeah. Top of the world, ma.
MARGE: Well, then come down for breakfast.
CUT TO:
Homer and Lisa eat at the table as Marge paces around the kitchen. Homer continues reading the book.
HOMER: Ooh! Look at this one. "The Hammer of Thor: it will send your pins to Val-halla." Lisa?
LISA: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
HOMER: Ooh, that's some ball.
Bart arrives. He carries a large sack over his back.
BART: Good morning, everybody.
He sets the sack down and it clanks on the floor. Everybody looks over suspiciously.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt "Mambo in the Morning" to bring you this special news bulletin. The statue of Jebediah Springfield, our illustrious town founder, was brutally decapitated last night in an act of senseless vandalism.
The entire family gasps. Bart looks over at the bag.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We now go to Police Chief Wiggum at City Hall.
CUT TO:
City Hall, where a large group of reporters gather around WIGGUM.
WIGGUM: Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "O" and ask for the police. That number again. "O".
CUT TO:
Back to kitchen, where the entire family has gathered.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned to this station for further developments as they break (sobbing).
BART: It's just a statue.
MARGE: The statue of the trailblazing founder of our town.
LISA: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it.
HOMER: Just a statue? is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
A horn honks.
BART: Uh-oh. School bus. Come on, Lis. School bus.
He picks up the backpack. Lisa looks down sadly at the table.
MARGE: Go on, Lisa. We've all got to be brave, just like Jebediah when he killed that bear.
LISA: It's so awful.
CUT TO:
Moe's bar. MOE speaks to his daily group of customers, all of whom have bowed their heads in disappointment.
MOE: Okay, come on. Come on, everybody. We gotta get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us.
BARNEY: You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.
Moe starts sobbing.
CUT TO:
The Springfield Retirement Home, where ABE SIMPSON sits on a bench along with other seniors.
ABE: I said it before, and I'll say it again. "Hell in a handbasket!" I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off.
SENIORS: Yeah!
CUT TO:
Bart, who spies Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully lying on a field of grass. Nearby, a sign says "Keep off the Grass"
BART: Hi, guys. What's up?
JIMBO: We were just saying we'd love to meet the guy who cut off the head of that statue.
OTHER BULLY: Yeah, we wish he were here right now.
BART: Oh, really?
Bart zips open his bag.
KEARNY: Yeah, we'd break every bone in his stupid little body.
Bart zips the bag back up.
JIMBO: Yeah, that's right, man. Limb by limb.
ALL: Yeah!
BART: What? But--but yesterday didn't you say it would be cool to cut off the head, and really cheese everybody off?
KEARNY: Yeah, that was just cloud talk, man.
JIMBO: Yeah. I mean, throwing rocks is one thing but I would never cut the head off of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart?
Jebediah starts speaking. Only Bart can hear him. I suppose it's part of his guilt.
JEBEDIAH: My head.
JIMBO: I said, what's in the bag, Bart?
JEBEDIAH: Go ahead, Bart. Tell them. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield.
BART: I gotta go.
He runs off with the bag and finds himself at the park. A gigantic group of people stare at the incomplete statue.
JEBEDIAH: Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.
BART: You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination.
JEBEDIAH: Oh, I am, am I?
BART: Shut up. I wanted them to like me.
Bart walks past Burns and Moe.
BURNS: Hmm. That child seems rattled.
MOE: Can you blame him?
BURNS: No. No, I can't.
Burns cries into his arms. SMITHERS taps him on the back.
SMITHERS: There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.
Burns blows his nose on a tissue.
CUT TO:
Bart, who walks into his house. Maggie and Lisa sit on the couch, watching TV. Bart starts making his way into the kitchen when---
LISA: Hey, Bart, where are you going?
BART: Uh, to my room.
LISA: Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown?
KRUSTY (on TV): There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity. If you know who cut off Jebediah's head --- I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy, or your mommy --- turn them in and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's.
Bob whistles on the television.
CUT TO:
The yard, where Bart digs a hole with his shovel. The head rests on the ground, talking to him.
JEBEDIAH: Wait a minute. I hope you're not planning to do what I think you're doing.
BART: Sorry, man, it's either you or me.
JEBEDIAH: You know, Bart, you don't have to found a town to be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage to stand up and admit he's made a mistake.
BART: Yeah, well, I'm running a little short on courage right now.
Bart throws him into the hole.
JEBEDIAH: Aah! Anyway, think about it, will you, son?
Bart looks down meaningfully at the head and groans.
CUT TO:
Back inside the house where Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie watch TV.
TV REPORTER: Jebediah Obediah Zachariah Jebediah Springfield came West in 1838.
The title on the TV reads: Springfield A City Held Hostage Day One.
Jebediah is shown chopping a log. A bear emerges out of the tree and Jebediah throws his axe away.
TV REPORTER: Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed him with his bare hands. That's "B-A-R-E" hands.
Jebediah wrestles the bear to the ground.
TV REPORTER: Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him. But whether bear killed man---
BART: Mom. Dad.
Bart holds up the head in front of the family.
HOMER: I knew it all along!
MARGE: Why, Bart? Why?
HOMER: Yeah, why? You little---.
Homer stalks menacingly towards Bart.
BART: Because I wanted some really bad kids to like me. Somehow I got the idea of being popular was the most important thing in the world.
MARGE: Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that?
Homer cringes between his teeth.
HOMER: Uhh --- lay off the boy, Marge. He's a good kid. Quit giving him the third degree.
MARGE: Homer, did you have something to do with this?
HOMER: Well, maybe I am a little responsible.
MARGE: A little?
HOMER: Come on, son. Let's take the head thing back to the authorities.
CUT TO:
The same sequence as in the beginning of the episode. Homer and Bart walk along the dark street.
HOMER: You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half--
Once again, they turn the corner and they find themselves facing the bloodthirsty crowd.
BURNS: Look, there it is, the head!
KRUSTY: Kill him!
Homer and Bart set off on a run.
BARNEY (present): All right. All right.
KRUSTY (present): We know this part.
BART (present): Oh, yeah, right.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and Homer around the statue the crowd still gathering around them.
BART: Well, that's my story. And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath.
CROWD: Aw!
KRUSTY: Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore.
EDNA KRABAPPEL: Neither do I.
BART: Dad.
Homer hands the head to Bart. The crowd watches in excitement. Even Kearny and Jimbo are there.
BART (thinking): Forgive me, sir.
JEBEDIAH: No problem, Bart.
Bart places the head on top.
DR. MARVIN: Look! It's glorious.
OTTO: It's beautiful, man.
BURNS: I love you, Smithers.
SMITHERS: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
The crowd cheers and applauds as Bart jumps into Homer's arms.
HOMER: Whoo!
DISSOLVE TO;
Homer and Bart walking away from the scene. The crowd continues to stare at the statue.
HOMER: Good going, son. But remember --- most lynch mobs aren't this nice.
FADE OUT
CREDITS BEGIN
THE END.
A shot of the Simpsons house before we find Bart asleep in his bed. He yawns, opens his eyes --- and finds himself staring straight at the head! He screams.
MARGE: Bart, are you all right?
BART: Uh, yeah. Top of the world, ma.
MARGE: Well, then come down for breakfast.
CUT TO:
Homer and Lisa eat at the table as Marge paces around the kitchen. Homer continues reading the book.
HOMER: Ooh! Look at this one. "The Hammer of Thor: it will send your pins to Val-halla." Lisa?
LISA: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.
HOMER: Ooh, that's some ball.
Bart arrives. He carries a large sack over his back.
BART: Good morning, everybody.
He sets the sack down and it clanks on the floor. Everybody looks over suspiciously.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We interrupt "Mambo in the Morning" to bring you this special news bulletin. The statue of Jebediah Springfield, our illustrious town founder, was brutally decapitated last night in an act of senseless vandalism.
The entire family gasps. Bart looks over at the bag.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: We now go to Police Chief Wiggum at City Hall.
CUT TO:
City Hall, where a large group of reporters gather around WIGGUM.
WIGGUM: Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "O" and ask for the police. That number again. "O".
CUT TO:
Back to kitchen, where the entire family has gathered.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned to this station for further developments as they break (sobbing).
BART: It's just a statue.
MARGE: The statue of the trailblazing founder of our town.
LISA: It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it.
HOMER: Just a statue? is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
A horn honks.
BART: Uh-oh. School bus. Come on, Lis. School bus.
He picks up the backpack. Lisa looks down sadly at the table.
MARGE: Go on, Lisa. We've all got to be brave, just like Jebediah when he killed that bear.
LISA: It's so awful.
CUT TO:
Moe's bar. MOE speaks to his daily group of customers, all of whom have bowed their heads in disappointment.
MOE: Okay, come on. Come on, everybody. We gotta get on with our lives. Let's try and put this tragedy behind us.
BARNEY: You're right, Moe. A beer, please, and make sure there's a head on it.
Moe starts sobbing.
CUT TO:
The Springfield Retirement Home, where ABE SIMPSON sits on a bench along with other seniors.
ABE: I said it before, and I'll say it again. "Hell in a handbasket!" I hope they find the punk who did this, and I hope they cut his head off.
SENIORS: Yeah!
CUT TO:
Bart, who spies Jimbo, Kearny, and the other bully lying on a field of grass. Nearby, a sign says "Keep off the Grass"
BART: Hi, guys. What's up?
JIMBO: We were just saying we'd love to meet the guy who cut off the head of that statue.
OTHER BULLY: Yeah, we wish he were here right now.
BART: Oh, really?
Bart zips open his bag.
KEARNY: Yeah, we'd break every bone in his stupid little body.
Bart zips the bag back up.
JIMBO: Yeah, that's right, man. Limb by limb.
ALL: Yeah!
BART: What? But--but yesterday didn't you say it would be cool to cut off the head, and really cheese everybody off?
KEARNY: Yeah, that was just cloud talk, man.
JIMBO: Yeah. I mean, throwing rocks is one thing but I would never cut the head off of a guy who iced a bear with his bare hands. So what's in the bag, Bart?
Jebediah starts speaking. Only Bart can hear him. I suppose it's part of his guilt.
JEBEDIAH: My head.
JIMBO: I said, what's in the bag, Bart?
JEBEDIAH: Go ahead, Bart. Tell them. It's the head of Jebediah Springfield.
BART: I gotta go.
He runs off with the bag and finds himself at the park. A gigantic group of people stare at the incomplete statue.
JEBEDIAH: Look what you've done. You wanted to be popular. Now you're the most hated boy in town.
BART: You're not really talking to me. You're just my overactive imagination.
JEBEDIAH: Oh, I am, am I?
BART: Shut up. I wanted them to like me.
Bart walks past Burns and Moe.
BURNS: Hmm. That child seems rattled.
MOE: Can you blame him?
BURNS: No. No, I can't.
Burns cries into his arms. SMITHERS taps him on the back.
SMITHERS: There, there, Mr. Burns. Blow, sir.
Burns blows his nose on a tissue.
CUT TO:
Bart, who walks into his house. Maggie and Lisa sit on the couch, watching TV. Bart starts making his way into the kitchen when---
LISA: Hey, Bart, where are you going?
BART: Uh, to my room.
LISA: Why don't you watch Krusty the Clown?
KRUSTY (on TV): There's someone out there in Krustyland who has committed an atrocity. If you know who cut off Jebediah's head --- I don't care if it's your brother, your sister, your daddy, or your mommy --- turn them in and Krusty will send you a free slide whistle just like Sideshow Bob's.
Bob whistles on the television.
CUT TO:
The yard, where Bart digs a hole with his shovel. The head rests on the ground, talking to him.
JEBEDIAH: Wait a minute. I hope you're not planning to do what I think you're doing.
BART: Sorry, man, it's either you or me.
JEBEDIAH: You know, Bart, you don't have to found a town to be a hero. Sometimes a hero can be a young boy with the courage to stand up and admit he's made a mistake.
BART: Yeah, well, I'm running a little short on courage right now.
Bart throws him into the hole.
JEBEDIAH: Aah! Anyway, think about it, will you, son?
Bart looks down meaningfully at the head and groans.
CUT TO:
Back inside the house where Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie watch TV.
TV REPORTER: Jebediah Obediah Zachariah Jebediah Springfield came West in 1838.
The title on the TV reads: Springfield A City Held Hostage Day One.
Jebediah is shown chopping a log. A bear emerges out of the tree and Jebediah throws his axe away.
TV REPORTER: Along the way he met a ferocious bear and killed him with his bare hands. That's "B-A-R-E" hands.
Jebediah wrestles the bear to the ground.
TV REPORTER: Although modern historians recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably killed him. But whether bear killed man---
BART: Mom. Dad.
Bart holds up the head in front of the family.
HOMER: I knew it all along!
MARGE: Why, Bart? Why?
HOMER: Yeah, why? You little---.
Homer stalks menacingly towards Bart.
BART: Because I wanted some really bad kids to like me. Somehow I got the idea of being popular was the most important thing in the world.
MARGE: Where did you get a ridiculous idea like that?
Homer cringes between his teeth.
HOMER: Uhh --- lay off the boy, Marge. He's a good kid. Quit giving him the third degree.
MARGE: Homer, did you have something to do with this?
HOMER: Well, maybe I am a little responsible.
MARGE: A little?
HOMER: Come on, son. Let's take the head thing back to the authorities.
CUT TO:
The same sequence as in the beginning of the episode. Homer and Bart walk along the dark street.
HOMER: You know, Bart, when I was your age, I pulled a few boners. But I think you'll find that people are pretty decent if you give them half--
Once again, they turn the corner and they find themselves facing the bloodthirsty crowd.
BURNS: Look, there it is, the head!
KRUSTY: Kill him!
Homer and Bart set off on a run.
BARNEY (present): All right. All right.
KRUSTY (present): We know this part.
BART (present): Oh, yeah, right.
DISSOLVE TO:
Bart and Homer around the statue the crowd still gathering around them.
BART: Well, that's my story. And if you still wanna tear apart this young Sunday school student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath.
CROWD: Aw!
KRUSTY: Somehow I don't feel like killing anymore.
EDNA KRABAPPEL: Neither do I.
BART: Dad.
Homer hands the head to Bart. The crowd watches in excitement. Even Kearny and Jimbo are there.
BART (thinking): Forgive me, sir.
JEBEDIAH: No problem, Bart.
Bart places the head on top.
DR. MARVIN: Look! It's glorious.
OTTO: It's beautiful, man.
BURNS: I love you, Smithers.
SMITHERS: The feeling is more than mutual, sir.
The crowd cheers and applauds as Bart jumps into Homer's arms.
HOMER: Whoo!
DISSOLVE TO;
Homer and Bart walking away from the scene. The crowd continues to stare at the statue.
HOMER: Good going, son. But remember --- most lynch mobs aren't this nice.
FADE OUT
CREDITS BEGIN
THE END.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Wow, a big ugly head!
Loktar
Internet God and Defender of Park Benches
Really? I think its on tonight at 8pm. Unless they did something unusual and aired it before Halloween.
Edit: nevermind. didn't see Dr. Dave's post until after I posted this.
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The Halloween episodes fucking suck.