CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
(Curtain rises. The stage is completely empty.)
Booming Voice: THERE'S NOTHING HERE BUT WHAT YOU BRING WITH YOU.
(After fifty nine seconds EXACTLY a man dressed as a bear walks onto the stage and sits down. He lowers his head, sadly.)
Bearman: How did it come to this? How did I, one of Britain's finest actors, come to be playing a bear in some existential play? How, I ask? HOW!
(A naked, obese woman walks out onto the stage.)
Obese Woman: Yes I see it, yes I see it all, I see it clearly in my sunken fish eyes, I see you all looking away as though I am wrong, as though I disgust you, IT'S ONLY FLESH, IT'S ONLY ME, you go home and you listen to Radiohead in your bedrooms but I'll still by in your minds, OH YES, once in your mind a fat woman cannot leave, and I suppose you think I'm just doing it for shock, don't you, you think I'm just being obese and naked for shock, don't you, you self-rightseous bastardfucks who know nothing of me and my beautiful soul and my reasons for being naked, you think it's just for shock as some point about something or other which the director didn't bother to tell me...well guess what...YOU'RE RIGHT!
(And does a belly dance. An attractive, 19 year old blond girl, possibly one who has just been kicked off a reality tv show for being midly racist, walks onto stage. She's naked too.)
Girl: Oh I see how it is, I see you all perk up looking at my pert tits and pert ass and pert knees, well the truth is, I AM the obese woman, twenty years ago, before she gained all the weight!
Bearman: RRRRRRRRRRRRROAR!
(The bear starts ravaging the sexy young thing.)
Obese woman: AAAAAAAH!
(She runs away. The girl lies there, looking sullen, as the bear rapes her.)
Girl: Are there no more heroes in today's post post modern post post ironic post post SLIP ONE BY THE GOALIE world?
(A man dressed as Superman walks onto stage.)
Superman: I'd like to help you...
Girl: My hero!
Superman: ...I'd like to help you RAPE HER! I was talking to the bear!
(The bear stops, gets up, and sniffs superman.)
Bearman: I wasn't really raping her, it was all a trick to get you to come out here!
(The girl pulls green kryptonite out from between her legs!)
Girl: DO IT LEX, KILL HIM, DEATH MAKES ME HORNY, I'M JUST A BASE ANIMAL LIKE YOU ARE BABY!
(Superman clutches his chest and dies of a heart attack. The girl looks please.)
Bearman: Don't look too pleased with yourself...I'm not really a bear! I'm not even really one of britain's greatest actors reduced to playing a bear in an existential play. I am, in fact...THE DIRECTOR!
(He rips off his bear head...but underneath is another, smaller, bear head!)
Bearman: What!? How!?
Girl: Don't you see? You really were a bear, all along! You just had to write it so it would come true!
Bearman: I see! Well in that case...I LOVE YOUR TITS!
(He chases her off stage. Superman sits up.)
Superman: Don't drink and drive, folks!
FIN
Booming Voice: THERE'S NOTHING HERE BUT WHAT YOU BRING WITH YOU.
(After fifty nine seconds EXACTLY a man dressed as a bear walks onto the stage and sits down. He lowers his head, sadly.)
Bearman: How did it come to this? How did I, one of Britain's finest actors, come to be playing a bear in some existential play? How, I ask? HOW!
(A naked, obese woman walks out onto the stage.)
Obese Woman: Yes I see it, yes I see it all, I see it clearly in my sunken fish eyes, I see you all looking away as though I am wrong, as though I disgust you, IT'S ONLY FLESH, IT'S ONLY ME, you go home and you listen to Radiohead in your bedrooms but I'll still by in your minds, OH YES, once in your mind a fat woman cannot leave, and I suppose you think I'm just doing it for shock, don't you, you think I'm just being obese and naked for shock, don't you, you self-rightseous bastardfucks who know nothing of me and my beautiful soul and my reasons for being naked, you think it's just for shock as some point about something or other which the director didn't bother to tell me...well guess what...YOU'RE RIGHT!
(And does a belly dance. An attractive, 19 year old blond girl, possibly one who has just been kicked off a reality tv show for being midly racist, walks onto stage. She's naked too.)
Girl: Oh I see how it is, I see you all perk up looking at my pert tits and pert ass and pert knees, well the truth is, I AM the obese woman, twenty years ago, before she gained all the weight!
Bearman: RRRRRRRRRRRRROAR!
(The bear starts ravaging the sexy young thing.)
Obese woman: AAAAAAAH!
(She runs away. The girl lies there, looking sullen, as the bear rapes her.)
Girl: Are there no more heroes in today's post post modern post post ironic post post SLIP ONE BY THE GOALIE world?
(A man dressed as Superman walks onto stage.)
Superman: I'd like to help you...
Girl: My hero!
Superman: ...I'd like to help you RAPE HER! I was talking to the bear!
(The bear stops, gets up, and sniffs superman.)
Bearman: I wasn't really raping her, it was all a trick to get you to come out here!
(The girl pulls green kryptonite out from between her legs!)
Girl: DO IT LEX, KILL HIM, DEATH MAKES ME HORNY, I'M JUST A BASE ANIMAL LIKE YOU ARE BABY!
(Superman clutches his chest and dies of a heart attack. The girl looks please.)
Bearman: Don't look too pleased with yourself...I'm not really a bear! I'm not even really one of britain's greatest actors reduced to playing a bear in an existential play. I am, in fact...THE DIRECTOR!
(He rips off his bear head...but underneath is another, smaller, bear head!)
Bearman: What!? How!?
Girl: Don't you see? You really were a bear, all along! You just had to write it so it would come true!
Bearman: I see! Well in that case...I LOVE YOUR TITS!
(He chases her off stage. Superman sits up.)
Superman: Don't drink and drive, folks!
FIN
