Asperger's Boy 4: Asp To The Future

[CaptainWacky]

(Billy sits by his computer, staring blankly at the screen. His best friend ROBO BUDDY 28 runs in. He is, quite obviously, a robot. Still, he looks very happy, for a robot.)

Robo: Stop what you're doing, Billy!

Billy: I have been clicking refresh on my favourite message board for the last four hours. Nobody has posted in that time.

Robo: Haha, that's my Billy! I have great news!

Billy: Oh?

Robo: It works, Billy, it really works. The cure!

Billy: Oh.

Robo: They've tested it on eight thousand people with Asperger's...and every last one of them is totally cured! They're been turned to neurotypicals!

Billy: Good for them.

Robo: Aren't you excited? This is what you've wanted all your life, Billy!

Billy: All 117 years of it.

Robo: Yeah, baby! It's here at last! You can finally be like everyone else...only a billionaire, of course. Haha.

Billy: But it's been so long. I'm so old. How can I change now?

Robo: Old, perhaps, the way it used to be measured, but your aging has of course been stopped by technology and you don't look a day over 68.

Billy: Even that is quite old.

Robo: But they'll be able to reverse aging soon! You can go back to being 18 but with a proper brain! You can do it all!

Billy: But the years have took their toll.

Robo: Oh for fuck's sake, cheer up!

Billy: No. Robo Buddy, why is it that they managed to stop the aging process, cure death itself to some extent, long before they cured Asperger's?

Robo: I don't know, they just did!

Billy: Maybe because Asperger's is a sham. They couldn't cure it because it didn't exist. Some people are just wrong in the head. Like me. This cure? All it does is completely change and rewrite the brain patterns. It's not a cure, it's a modification. It would make me a different person.

Robo: Isn't that what you want?

Billy: Not now. Not after 117 years.

Robo: Pah! But not NORMAL years. You ain't got not friends but me and I'm a robot!

Billy: I know, it sucks. But it's my life. And it was meant to be this way. That's why the "cure" took so long. This is natural. They even invented time travel before this cure. That should tell you something.

Robo: Okay, it took a lot, but that just shows how terrible Asperger's is!

Billy: It is all I know.

Robo: I suppose you've done some good things. Inventing that meme, becoming a billionaire. That was quite an achievement. And you even had sex once.

Billy: With a robot.

Robo: Granted. Well, what do you want to do? Take the cure or not?

Billy: Not now.

Robo: Then when?

Billy: Let me have that....

(Robo hands Billy THE CURE in pill form.)

Billy: How about...110 years ago.

Robo: What?

Billy: HAHAHA.

(Billy pulls out a TIMESTICK.

Robo: A timestick? Those are illegal! You can't travel to the past, if you change the timeline you could collapse the whole Universe!

Billy: I don't care. I'm mad as a fish and I'm going to stop myself from ever getting like this by curing my Asperger's when I was seven years old. And you can't stop me.

(Billy ACTIVATES THE TIMESTICK and jumps into the time portal.)

Robo: OH YES I CAN...

(Robo Buddy jumps in after him. CUT TO a bedroom. There are toy DUCKS on the floor, all lined up in an orderly fashion. A small child is sleeping. He awakes with a start as a man appears in his room.)

Child: What?

Billy: Hello, me. I'm here to change your life...

Child: AAAAAAAAAAAH!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Do it, Billy! Fuck the fucking TIMELINE!

 

[curiousa2z]

!

 

[Dual]

Billy's life has certainly taken a strange turn. I can't wait for AB:V!

 

[Dr Dave]

When fucking the time line, always use protection.

 

[CaptainWacky]

That's what she said!

 

[FBI parte due]

Does that mean the picture you posted of that red-headed boy was you after all?

 

[CaptainWacky]

Ah-h-h-h.

 

[CaptainWacky]

Billy: Please cease your noisesome activity, young me.

Young Billy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Billy: Mother was right, that is annoying.

(Billy puts his hands around Young Billy's neck.)

Billy: Shut the fuck up or I'll strangle you to certain death.

(Young Billy shuts up.)

Billy: Ha. I remembered that I had a paranoid fear of a strange man strangling me when I was this age. 110 years and i still remembered.

Young Billy: Who are you?

Billy: I am an angel sent by God.

Young Billly: I knew it! You're here to tell me I'm Jesus!

Billy: What? Ah, I remember now. I used to believe that I was Jesus at this age. It was the only way the universe could possibly make sense. But then I eventaully realised I wasn't and had a nervous breakdown and put all my pants in the microwave and shot a the milkman in the groin. No, you're not Jesus.

Young Billy: Aww.

Billy: But you are about to become normal.

Young Billy: What do you mean, normal?

Billy: I have a magic little pill you can take to become a neurotypical. You can live a normal life, get a job...

Young Billy: A job? Never!

Billy: Get married...

Young Billy: Eww, girls are gross!

Billy: You won't say that when you're older.

Young Billy: Leave me alone! I'm Jesus! I don't want to be normal.

Billy: I didn't want to have to force you, but...

(He kicks some of the ducks over as he pulls out THE PILL.)

Young Billy: All my ducks were in a row and you ruined it!

Billy: Another thing I took literally. But now that I look at these disrupted ducks I have to sort them myself.

(Billy starts sorting the ducks. But then ROBO BUDDY appears with a big gun!)

Robo Buddy: It's time to end this madness!

(He shoots at Billy, but Billy dives out of the way...and it hirts YOUNG BILLY. He disappears!)

Robo Buddy: Aww, shit.

Billy: You just vapourised me!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dual]

OMG I need to know what happens next!

 

[Fuddlemiff]

CRIPES!

 

[Dr Dave]

Uh oh!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Billy: I can't believe this shit, my own Robo Buddy just killed me! Hang on, how come I'm not fading out of existence?

Robo: You noodlehead, I did no such thing. It's a time gun I built!

Billy: What? I never knew of such a gun!

Robo: Well I didn't tell YOU, of course. It has ever been a fear of mine since time travel was invented that you would go back in time and KILL your younger self...

Billy: I wasn't going to kill him, just cure him of his Asperger's!

Robo: Same thing.

Billy: Oh yeah, I guess.

Robo: So I made this gun and tuned it to your DNA. One shot sends you back to the future.

Billy: But you shot the younger me!

Robo: Well, yes. You dived out of the way like a coward.

Billy: That means the young me...is in the future!

Robo: Yes that's right.

Billy: What kind of things will a young me get up to in the future!

Robo: Naughty things.

Billy: We must stop him! Shoot me again and I'll be in the future to stop him!

Robo: It takes 17 minutes to charge.

Billy: Then use your internal time drive!

Robo: 18 minutes to charge.

Billy: And the time sticks I used take 19 minutes to charge! BLAST, THIS IS WHY I HATE TIME TRAVEL.

Robo: We should just hide here until the charging is complete.

Billy: This is my childhood home. I could see my parents again. That cat we had. Mister Nose.

Robo: That's a strang name for a cat.

Billy: I named him.

Robo: Ah.

(There is a CREAKING outside.)

Robo: Someone's coming!

Billy: Hide!

(Robo buddy hides in the closet. Billy hides in young Billy's bed, scrunching up as much as he can. Billy's parents come in.)

Billy's Dad: Look at him there, sleeping. Like a normal child.

Billy's Mum: He's not normal, though. We have to accept the diagnosis.

Billy's Dad: No! I'm not accepting any son of mine is a RETARD.

Billy's Mum: Hey, he's not! He's just...special.

Billy's Dad: Maybe he just needs the taste of my belt!

Billy's Mum: No!

Billy's Dad: That's what my dad did to me when I misbehaved, and it always sorted me out!

Billy's Mum: He's not misbehaving. He can't help it.

Billy's Dad: THat's probably what Hitler's parents said.

Billy's Mum: Oh there you go again, comparing everything to HItler...

(They awalk out. Robo Buddy comes out of the closet and pulls the sheets back. Billy is crying.)

Robo: I'm sorry you had to see that.

Billy: I'm going to cure him. Just you watch.

Robo: I cannot allow that.

(Billy reaches up and flicks Robo Buddy's ON/OFF switch to the off position.)

Billy: I wasn't asking for permission.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dual]

More!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Young Billy appears in Billy's mansion in THE FUTURE. He almost immediately curls up into a ball on the floor.)

Young Billy: Don't like it, need bed, don't like it, need bed...

House Computer: BED PREPARED.

Young Billy: Huh?

House Computer: WOULD YOU LIKE A SERVICE BOT TO CARRY YOU TO BED?

Young Billy: I want my mummy!

House Computer: WORKING.

(A video of Billy's mother appears on screen.)

Billy's mum: Oh Billy, I'm so proud of you for inventing the "fuck limes" meme. You've changed the world. It's what you've alwayas wanted. I love you.

Young Billy: Mummy looks older!

House Computer: TEMPORAL DISTURBANCE DETECTED AROUND CHILD. YOU ARE NOT OF THIS TIME. EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY. CONTACTING TEMPORAL POLICE. RELEASING SECURITY BOT TO SUBDUE CHILD. EMERGENCY, EMERGENCY.

Young Billy: What?

(The house's SECURITY BOT comes running out.)

Security Bot: Please come with me.

Young Billy: A death robot, nooo!

(Young Billy RUNS AWAY. He runs throughout the house. The security bot calmly follows him. Billy dives behind some coats. The coats get up and fly away.)

Young Billy: AAAH, LIVING COATS!

Security Bot: Please, for your own safety, come with...

(BULETS suddenly RIDDLE the Security Bots body. FOUR ARMED YOUNG MEN with SOCKS over their HEADS have entered the house.)

Young Man: YEAH, DIE, FUCKSTAIN.

Second Man: Calm down.

Third: Hey, there's some dumb kid here? What the fuck? Asperger's memefuck doesn't have a kid.

Fourth: Who cares, just kill it and we'll find Billy McBerger and kill him too.

Second: You're not killing a child. We'll kill Billy, of course. He deserves it for being responsible for the fall of western civilisation.

Third: And some people think he's a hero, GRR!

Second: Let's just find him and kill him. Let's kill Billy.

Young Billy: But I AM Billy!

TO PROBABLY NOT BE CONTINUED

 

[Dual]

It must continue! More!

 

[CaptainWacky]

THEY WERE I*NSPIRED BY THE ANTI-CAPITALIST PROTESTORS

 

[Fuddlemiff]

Oh young Billy, you little idiot. Don't tell them your name!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The First armed young man is watching the video of Billy's mum.)

First: Aww, his mummy loved him. TOO BAD SHE'S DEAD NOW, YEAH, POW POW.

Young Billy: Mummy's dead?

First: Shut your face, you little shit!

Second: Don't swear at a child.

First: Fucking kids.

Third: If this kid wants to act like Billy, I say we TREAT him like Billy.

Fourth: Yeah man, I'm jonesing to kill something! Let us cut his legs off at least.

Second: We are better than that. We are not animals.

First: Yeah we are, fuckteeth. Every human is just an animal, remember? That's part of our master's philosophy, you fuckduck!

Third: Yeah, you can't argue with the master!

Second: We're here to make a difference. Break the cycle of memes which has consumed us. Let us be alive again.

Fourth: And there's nothing that says alive more than killing a punk kid!

Young Billy: Please don't.

Second: Just tell us where the man who lives here is, kid.

Young Billy: I don't know! I was in my bed and all my ducks were in a row then a strange man appear, then a robot with a raygun and then I was here! Honest!

Fourth: Hey, my IMPLANTS are telling me that this punk kid is telling the truth!

First: Pah, he's probably just downloaded the latest software to cancel our your outdated implants.

Fourth: I got these last week, dickpants!

First: Exactly! And "dickpants" went out with the 21st century.

Young Billy: But this is the 20th century. 1989!

Third: STICK HIM, STICK HIM WITH YOUR KNIFE.

First: Not with your penis?

Third: Hey, I dumped those paedo thought patterns, you know I did. I was just trying out the paedo meme. It was before I was saved.

Fourth: He's not lying. He really thinks this is 1989.

Second: How about that. Well...

(Suddenly the Security Bot jumps up and snaps the third's neck.)

First: SHIT, SHIT!

Fourth: DIE, METAL BITCHPANTS!

(The first and fourth riddle the Security Bot with bullets but it is not damaged. It approaches them quickly and stabs the fourth through the neck.)

Fourth: NOO!

First: NOOO! I loved you!

(Meanwhile the second calmly leans down and talks to Young Billy.)

Second: Tell it to stop.

Young Billy: Stop, bad robot, stop!

(The security bot suddenly goes into shutdown mode, just before it can punch the first's face off.)

First: THE FUCK, THE FUCK.

Second: Calm down.

First: Two of our best friends just died you arabjew and you're telling me to calm down!

Second: We knew what this was, a one way mission, death certain. A sacrifice to enter the cycle of memes.

First: Yeah, but...

Second: We find Billy and kill him. That is our primary objective. Now come on before the security system powers up the robot again. Leave the kid here, he's a basket case anyway.

(Young Billy is now rocking back and forth on the ground after the deaths he has just witnessed. The two intruders walk though the mansion...but suddenly a BLINDING LIGHT throws them back...and BILLY is standing in front of them.)

Billy: Who the hell are you?

First: This one we can kill, right?

Second: Oh yeah. This one we kill...

(They lunge for Billy.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dual]

The suspense is killing me. More!