CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
he tried to read but couldn't. the words dissolved as soon as they entered his head. he would look at every word, but not actually read them. he'd read whole sentences, whole paragraphs, and not take any of it in. he'd go back and re-read a page he'd just read and found he had no memory of it at all. he was trying to concentrate, he really was. he was trying to concentrate so hard that all he could think about was concentrating. then things would distract him. he didn't like the typeface. he'd been reading another book for a while with a different typeface and he'd just gotten used to it when it had finished and now he had a whole new typeface to get used to and he just couldn't do it. why couldn't everything be the same all the time, he wondered. he was distracted by noises, the sound of rain outside. he hated it. he didn't want to listen to the rain, he wanted to read, yet all he could do was listen to the rain. eventually he threw the book down in frustation. no point trying to read at a time when you obviously can't read. he'd read gain some other time. when this vague other time would be he could not say. he'd been trying to get through the book for a month.
he went to the computer. that was easier. he could read words off a computer screen and it didn't really matter if he took them in or not. it was only a message board. he clicked refresh. there were bound to be plenty of replies to sink his teeth into.
there were only three. and each was by his least favourite poster, the one person he could never think of anything to say to. and he hated the number three.
he closed the browser. he slammed the mouse around a bit.
replying didn't keep him busy anymore. it was too quick now that he had broadband. he actually missed dial-up. he prefered the internet when he had to wait for pages to load. at it ate up time.
and he had a lot of time to eat up.
why the fuck did they play water polo in star trek enterpirse, he wondered. was that suppose to attract viewers?
that was good, it was a thought! the first new one he'd had in a while. he smiled. he walked up and down the room smiling.
he realised what he was smiling about and stopped walking and punched himself as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard.
so this was depression.
he knew he'd been depressed for months, years maybe, he knew it intellectually, but now he was actually sure he was feeling it. he had been quite detached from it before, as if he could just analysis his own mind as if wasn't him. but now the detached feeling had mutated and become another strain of the depression. he couldn't detach. to detach was to be depressed and not to detach...was to be depressed. he could feel it, pushing in on his face. it was going to crush him.
he walked faster. he could actually feel the depression in the air, as if it was resisting him as he moved. he was going insane, he realised. he pushed himself forward again and again, every step was forced.
he saw a small child standing outside at the top of his garden, staring. the child pointed and laughed and more joined it. he dived down onto the couch and made himself flat, to avoid their eyes.
he wanted to avoid everything.
he felt himself slipping. time seemed to have no meaning. he was awake, he was asleep, he was alive, he was dead. he didn't know. he kept popping back into existence and each time it hurt more.
he tried desperately to think of something else. he tried to make thoughts appear in his head. they used to just appear, didn't they? out of nowhere and then he'd just read them, like words on a page. his thoughts were just words on a page to be read aloud.
but the typeface was all wrong.
he couldn't even read his own thoughts. they dissolved as soon as he became consciously aware of them, like the words in the book. they were meaningless, empty, they were nothing. he was nothing. he couldn't even think.
he was crying.
well, that was something.
________________________
FUCKING ANIMAL FUCKING WILD ANIMAL FUCKING KILL KILL KILll KILL VERYONE MAKE THEM FEEL MY PAIN!!!
nah.
I'm not like that.
low testosterone I think.
probably why I'm not very hairy.
and a bit gay.
I'm not manly enough to go on a crazy killing rampage.
oh well
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AMN
oh you know what I mean
impotent rage
hahehehrfg
sgdfhljn
fg
won't even hurt myself let alone anyone else
what's the point of hurting others
it would just feel pointless too
everything feels pointless
everythign is pointless
sfkl
_----
AND IT WEARS ME OUT AND IF I COULD BE WHO YOU WNATED ALL THE TIME FAKE PLASTIC TREES LOL GET THAT SONG REFERENCE
___________--
gdhklj
h
h
hhklhkh
see when i have nothing to say I just start on the random keystirkes
______________--
remember when i used to be able to type streme of consciousnesS?
kljg
well i'm sitting here typing trying to type stream of conscious and it's not really working and besides stream of consciousness isn't REALL stream of consciousness because you can't type as fast as you can type well i can't anyway for example that part i just type there i thought long (relatively long) before i type it so it's not really stream of consciousness is it now oh stop taking it so literally you foolbag it's somethign elase it's just at hing where you keep typing a lot like this that's all it is okay it's nothing it's not really my thoughts accept it for what it is and enjoy it ENJOY EVERYTHING OKAY WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ENJOY EVERYTHING YOU SHELFHEAD what's a shelfhead well you see there's a shelf above my computer and I was looking at it so I typed shelf becasue I can't just compe up with words out of nowhere I have to see them I have no vocabularly words don't interest me it's a shame I think if I was interested in anything I'd like it be words but I just can't be unfortunagley I wish I could change my brain chemsitry to become the ideal me that would be NEAT anyway this is horribly self-indulgent ins't it
fasd
h
fh
h___-
am I typing thing of the day for other poepole to read because I think I'm all profund and make CANNY OBSERVATIONS LIEK well no not really it's just something I do every day because i do the thigns I do every day eery day because they are the thigns I do every day it's not that I think there's any worth to this at all in fact i'm pretty damn sure there isn't okay so don't think I actulaly have a big ego becasue really have none at all lol poitnless worthless meep meep oh look I've gone stream of consexness again imagine that
gh
h
TRANSOFMERS MORE THAN MEETS THE EYS TRANSFORMERS MORE THAN EATS SOME PEIES AUTOBOATS WORKD THEIRE BUTTS OFF TO DESTROY THE EVIL FORCEPS UP THE DECPIPTCRONS TRANSFOERMS EAT SOME APPLE PIE TRANSOFMERS BRUM BRUM BRUM BRUM THEY ALL DIED IN THE MOVIE
death is stupi
dsf
f
oh don't start on deaht you'll be heere all night
I suppose you can't understand death until you die
well nothat's stupid
when you die the higher reasoning functions of your fuckdamn brain die too
so you can't actually udnerstand death when you're dead
because your dead
there's no you
that's why it's called death
you are your brains
SUCKS TO BE YOU
_____--
fg
g
g
g
g
when I said I'm a bit gay that doesnt' mena I dont develop unhealthy obsessions with female big brother housemates okay
in fact i never get obessed with guys at all only girls
so obessively I'm straight SO ODN'T WORRY LADIES I'LL GET OBSESSED WITH YOU
while jacking off to gay porn
actually that's a lie
I haven't jacked off to porn for months
and I'm not particuarly gay
/I don't think
I'm not anything
if I was an ice cream I'd be MELTED!
what does that mean
think about it
get a t-shirt with "If I was an ice cream I'd be MELTED!" on it
and people will think it means something
if someone goes to the trouble of writing it down and displaying it in public, it MUST mean something
LOL THE BIBLE IS ALL IES
LIEs
OMG I MEANT TO TYPE "LIES" BUT I TYPED "IES"
mabye God stopped me fromdfh
llsdfigh
listen to this right
if JESUS is the real deal, right
and all that
and the way to Jesus is just to believe
right
I've treid to
but it doesn't make sense ot me
so SURELY if Jesus was real it would make sense to me and I'd believe
it would just make sense because it's true
but it doenst
so people like me are proof that jesus doesn't exist
surely
why would god creat people incapable of believing in him?
unless he was durnk
______---
well I thin that's long enough
anD I still have an other hour to eat up before I go to bed
hahah
mayb eI SHOUDL LIVE IT DOING THE THINGS I ENJOY WHOO CAN't WASTE A PRECIOUS MOMENT OF PLIFE
BUT I OND'T DENJOY ANYTHIGN!
THAT'S A PROBLEM
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
he went to the computer. that was easier. he could read words off a computer screen and it didn't really matter if he took them in or not. it was only a message board. he clicked refresh. there were bound to be plenty of replies to sink his teeth into.
there were only three. and each was by his least favourite poster, the one person he could never think of anything to say to. and he hated the number three.
he closed the browser. he slammed the mouse around a bit.
replying didn't keep him busy anymore. it was too quick now that he had broadband. he actually missed dial-up. he prefered the internet when he had to wait for pages to load. at it ate up time.
and he had a lot of time to eat up.
why the fuck did they play water polo in star trek enterpirse, he wondered. was that suppose to attract viewers?
that was good, it was a thought! the first new one he'd had in a while. he smiled. he walked up and down the room smiling.
he realised what he was smiling about and stopped walking and punched himself as hard as he could, which wasn't very hard.
so this was depression.
he knew he'd been depressed for months, years maybe, he knew it intellectually, but now he was actually sure he was feeling it. he had been quite detached from it before, as if he could just analysis his own mind as if wasn't him. but now the detached feeling had mutated and become another strain of the depression. he couldn't detach. to detach was to be depressed and not to detach...was to be depressed. he could feel it, pushing in on his face. it was going to crush him.
he walked faster. he could actually feel the depression in the air, as if it was resisting him as he moved. he was going insane, he realised. he pushed himself forward again and again, every step was forced.
he saw a small child standing outside at the top of his garden, staring. the child pointed and laughed and more joined it. he dived down onto the couch and made himself flat, to avoid their eyes.
he wanted to avoid everything.
he felt himself slipping. time seemed to have no meaning. he was awake, he was asleep, he was alive, he was dead. he didn't know. he kept popping back into existence and each time it hurt more.
he tried desperately to think of something else. he tried to make thoughts appear in his head. they used to just appear, didn't they? out of nowhere and then he'd just read them, like words on a page. his thoughts were just words on a page to be read aloud.
but the typeface was all wrong.
he couldn't even read his own thoughts. they dissolved as soon as he became consciously aware of them, like the words in the book. they were meaningless, empty, they were nothing. he was nothing. he couldn't even think.
he was crying.
well, that was something.
________________________
FUCKING ANIMAL FUCKING WILD ANIMAL FUCKING KILL KILL KILll KILL VERYONE MAKE THEM FEEL MY PAIN!!!
nah.
I'm not like that.
low testosterone I think.
probably why I'm not very hairy.
and a bit gay.
I'm not manly enough to go on a crazy killing rampage.
oh well
THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AMN
oh you know what I mean
impotent rage
hahehehrfg
sgdfhljn
fg
won't even hurt myself let alone anyone else
what's the point of hurting others
it would just feel pointless too
everything feels pointless
everythign is pointless
sfkl
_----
AND IT WEARS ME OUT AND IF I COULD BE WHO YOU WNATED ALL THE TIME FAKE PLASTIC TREES LOL GET THAT SONG REFERENCE
___________--
gdhklj
h
h
hhklhkh
see when i have nothing to say I just start on the random keystirkes
______________--
remember when i used to be able to type streme of consciousnesS?
kljg
well i'm sitting here typing trying to type stream of conscious and it's not really working and besides stream of consciousness isn't REALL stream of consciousness because you can't type as fast as you can type well i can't anyway for example that part i just type there i thought long (relatively long) before i type it so it's not really stream of consciousness is it now oh stop taking it so literally you foolbag it's somethign elase it's just at hing where you keep typing a lot like this that's all it is okay it's nothing it's not really my thoughts accept it for what it is and enjoy it ENJOY EVERYTHING OKAY WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ENJOY EVERYTHING YOU SHELFHEAD what's a shelfhead well you see there's a shelf above my computer and I was looking at it so I typed shelf becasue I can't just compe up with words out of nowhere I have to see them I have no vocabularly words don't interest me it's a shame I think if I was interested in anything I'd like it be words but I just can't be unfortunagley I wish I could change my brain chemsitry to become the ideal me that would be NEAT anyway this is horribly self-indulgent ins't it
fasd
h
fh
h___-
am I typing thing of the day for other poepole to read because I think I'm all profund and make CANNY OBSERVATIONS LIEK well no not really it's just something I do every day because i do the thigns I do every day eery day because they are the thigns I do every day it's not that I think there's any worth to this at all in fact i'm pretty damn sure there isn't okay so don't think I actulaly have a big ego becasue really have none at all lol poitnless worthless meep meep oh look I've gone stream of consexness again imagine that
gh
h
TRANSOFMERS MORE THAN MEETS THE EYS TRANSFORMERS MORE THAN EATS SOME PEIES AUTOBOATS WORKD THEIRE BUTTS OFF TO DESTROY THE EVIL FORCEPS UP THE DECPIPTCRONS TRANSFOERMS EAT SOME APPLE PIE TRANSOFMERS BRUM BRUM BRUM BRUM THEY ALL DIED IN THE MOVIE
death is stupi
dsf
f
oh don't start on deaht you'll be heere all night
I suppose you can't understand death until you die
well nothat's stupid
when you die the higher reasoning functions of your fuckdamn brain die too
so you can't actually udnerstand death when you're dead
because your dead
there's no you
that's why it's called death
you are your brains
SUCKS TO BE YOU
_____--
fg
g
g
g
g
when I said I'm a bit gay that doesnt' mena I dont develop unhealthy obsessions with female big brother housemates okay
in fact i never get obessed with guys at all only girls
so obessively I'm straight SO ODN'T WORRY LADIES I'LL GET OBSESSED WITH YOU
while jacking off to gay porn
actually that's a lie
I haven't jacked off to porn for months
and I'm not particuarly gay
/I don't think
I'm not anything
if I was an ice cream I'd be MELTED!
what does that mean
think about it
get a t-shirt with "If I was an ice cream I'd be MELTED!" on it
and people will think it means something
if someone goes to the trouble of writing it down and displaying it in public, it MUST mean something
LOL THE BIBLE IS ALL IES
LIEs
OMG I MEANT TO TYPE "LIES" BUT I TYPED "IES"
mabye God stopped me fromdfh
llsdfigh
listen to this right
if JESUS is the real deal, right
and all that
and the way to Jesus is just to believe
right
I've treid to
but it doesn't make sense ot me
so SURELY if Jesus was real it would make sense to me and I'd believe
it would just make sense because it's true
but it doenst
so people like me are proof that jesus doesn't exist
surely
why would god creat people incapable of believing in him?
unless he was durnk
______---
well I thin that's long enough
anD I still have an other hour to eat up before I go to bed
hahah
mayb eI SHOUDL LIVE IT DOING THE THINGS I ENJOY WHOO CAN't WASTE A PRECIOUS MOMENT OF PLIFE
BUT I OND'T DENJOY ANYTHIGN!
THAT'S A PROBLEM
LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
