Dirk Funk
Evil Penguin
In 18 days I will be officially single! As I was reflecting on this today, I was thinking about all the bedtime games I no longer have to play. Some of you out there might be familiar with these games. They are anything but fun.
1. "Guess What I'm Mad About?" This game was a mainstay around the house when I was with my ex. Here's how you play. You get into bed, and after watching some TV, or reading a bit, you (or she) turns out the lights and rolls over to go to sleep. This can be after sex, if any was had that night. Just as you're barely drifting off to sleep, you feel a poke in the ribs/back/side whatever. Or just hear an exaggerated sigh. You try to ignore it, because 1. You're disoriented from just being woke up from almost-sleep. 2. You know she wants to play the game, and you're hoping she'll change her mind. NO SUCH LUCK, my friend! The pokes/sighing increases until you finally roll over and ask "What's wrong?" She just shakes her head or says "nothing", in a way that says anything BUT nothing. You roll back over to try to go back to sleep, and step 1 repeats. Now you're frustrated, and you say "WHAT?" She then says. "Nevermind. Just go to sleep. You don't care anyway." You try to prod, hoping the get the game over with sooner, but no she wants to play some more. Roll back over, repeat step 1. Ask again, getting more and more frustrated with the non-answers. Depending on how long she wants to play, this can drag out for 20 minutes or more. Now you're exhausted and just want to get to sleep. So you sit up and turn on the light. You finally get her to tell you about what's bothering her. It's usually something stupid, or she wants to have some deep discussion about the relationship at 12:30 at night, because of course it CAN'T WAIT UNTIL A DECENT HOUR! The second part of the game, involves trying to work out this "major problem" so you can get a couple hours of sleep before having to get up for work. This may take up to an hour or two.
2. "You're Not Trying Hard Enough" This is a particularly stressful game, and can even be combined with the first game for extra (non) fun! This game can be played after the first game is over. You may think it's part of the "resolution" the the "problem" in the previous game. YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG! The games have just begun! Here's how you play this one. First, you make the moves on your wife/girlfriend hoping get get some action. She reponds COLD. Gives off all the signals that she is NOT in the mood for any action. You think you're taking the hint, so you roll over and say goodnight. Or go about reading/turning on the TV etc. Now comes the poking and/or sighing. You ask "what?" She says "nothing" and mutters things about how you're not really interested anyway, and are just "doing it because you have to." Now you're feeling self-conscious and so you try again. She responds the same cold, stiff/statue way. Pushes you away, tells you to get off her, etc. OK you say, and try to go to sleep again. Repeat step 1. Now, it ceases to be fun, and you're no longer in the mood, and thus the General is no longer standing at attention. Now comes the second part of the game. She feigns interest, and touches your cock. She sees that you're no longer aroused, and says "See! I told you! You're not really interested. You're just doing it because you have to!" This game can end one of two ways. Either she finally warms up, and you get some. (Albiet, very unsatisfying sex.) Or you end up sleeping on the couch. Either way, you lose. In fact, there really isn't a way to win either of these games.
1. "Guess What I'm Mad About?" This game was a mainstay around the house when I was with my ex. Here's how you play. You get into bed, and after watching some TV, or reading a bit, you (or she) turns out the lights and rolls over to go to sleep. This can be after sex, if any was had that night. Just as you're barely drifting off to sleep, you feel a poke in the ribs/back/side whatever. Or just hear an exaggerated sigh. You try to ignore it, because 1. You're disoriented from just being woke up from almost-sleep. 2. You know she wants to play the game, and you're hoping she'll change her mind. NO SUCH LUCK, my friend! The pokes/sighing increases until you finally roll over and ask "What's wrong?" She just shakes her head or says "nothing", in a way that says anything BUT nothing. You roll back over to try to go back to sleep, and step 1 repeats. Now you're frustrated, and you say "WHAT?" She then says. "Nevermind. Just go to sleep. You don't care anyway." You try to prod, hoping the get the game over with sooner, but no she wants to play some more. Roll back over, repeat step 1. Ask again, getting more and more frustrated with the non-answers. Depending on how long she wants to play, this can drag out for 20 minutes or more. Now you're exhausted and just want to get to sleep. So you sit up and turn on the light. You finally get her to tell you about what's bothering her. It's usually something stupid, or she wants to have some deep discussion about the relationship at 12:30 at night, because of course it CAN'T WAIT UNTIL A DECENT HOUR! The second part of the game, involves trying to work out this "major problem" so you can get a couple hours of sleep before having to get up for work. This may take up to an hour or two.
2. "You're Not Trying Hard Enough" This is a particularly stressful game, and can even be combined with the first game for extra (non) fun! This game can be played after the first game is over. You may think it's part of the "resolution" the the "problem" in the previous game. YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG! The games have just begun! Here's how you play this one. First, you make the moves on your wife/girlfriend hoping get get some action. She reponds COLD. Gives off all the signals that she is NOT in the mood for any action. You think you're taking the hint, so you roll over and say goodnight. Or go about reading/turning on the TV etc. Now comes the poking and/or sighing. You ask "what?" She says "nothing" and mutters things about how you're not really interested anyway, and are just "doing it because you have to." Now you're feeling self-conscious and so you try again. She responds the same cold, stiff/statue way. Pushes you away, tells you to get off her, etc. OK you say, and try to go to sleep again. Repeat step 1. Now, it ceases to be fun, and you're no longer in the mood, and thus the General is no longer standing at attention. Now comes the second part of the game. She feigns interest, and touches your cock. She sees that you're no longer aroused, and says "See! I told you! You're not really interested. You're just doing it because you have to!" This game can end one of two ways. Either she finally warms up, and you get some. (Albiet, very unsatisfying sex.) Or you end up sleeping on the couch. Either way, you lose. In fact, there really isn't a way to win either of these games.
