CAPTAINWACKY AND FILTHYRECWHORE VERSUS THE MINE FIELD

[CaptainWacky]

"YOU GOING TO KILL THE TREKKIE SCUM NOW?" asked FilthyRecWhore, as he ate an ice cream cone.

"I don't want it to be like last year," said CaptainWacky, shuddering. "I killed so many...but a few escaped. Menty, Dr_Dave, Tisi...and the inhuman Hambil. They made robot bodies for the dead and uploaded their personalities into them. They're all alive again now. It's like they never even died."

"FUCK THEM," said Wacky's only friend. "GET THEM ALL IN ONE PLACE AND BLOW THAT SHIT UP. CUNTS."

"Yes, but how?" asked Wacky. "Remember The Mine Field Reunion? That was a disaster. Only I showed up! I nearly killed myself...how can I get them to all agree to meet up?"

"SEEMS TO ME THE PROBLEM IS THAT YOU AREN'T VERY POPULAR, SCUMFACE," said FilthyRecWhore. "YOU NEED SOMEONE POPULAR TO HELP YOU. SOMEONE ALL THOSE CUNTS LOVE. THEN YOU'LL MEET UP AND YOU CAN BLOW THEM UP."

"But who? None of them would want to help me!"

"THEN FUCKING FORCE THEM TO HELP. HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING."

"Menty," said Wacky. Of course he would want it to be Menty. "I'll make Menty help me. Then he can die with wht rest, knowing he's bene bested by me."

"FIND SOMETHING MENTY CARES ABOUT AND THREATEN IT," said FRW. "THEN YOU'LL HAVE HIM."

"Football!" said Wacky.

"HA HA HA!" said FRW.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Wacky kicked the football against the side of Menty's house again and again.

"COME OUT OR I'LL BURST IT," he shouted. Menty finally stuck his head out of the window.

"Wacky, this is pathetic, even for you," he said. "It's been a year since anyone even heard from you. Havne't you moved on with your life yet?"

"I think it's OBVIOUS that I HAVE NOT!" said Wacky. He tried to kick the fooball at Menty's face, but ended up kicking it hard against the wall. It bounced back and hit Wacky in the nose. His nose bled. "Fuck."

"Goodbye, Wacky," said Menty. "Remember I tried to help you once." He shut the window.

Wacky rolled up in a ball, sobbing.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[JIMMYBANG]

I used to talk to myself a lot, but since I got the new meds I only masturbate too much.

 

[Filthy Whore]

A European football or an American football? The pointy end on an American football would really hurt if it hit you in the nose.

 

[Seph]

It's not a football It's a handegg.

 

[Cassie]

I wish FilthyRecWhore would show up out of the blue and be all confused and shit. BIGTIME.

 

[curiousa2z]

ha! You should put that in Secret Agent Tomtrek's Xmas wish list thread!

 

[CaptainWacky]

"GET UP, WACKY SCUM," said FilthyRecWhore, after what seemed like an eternity.

"Why bother?" asked Wacky. "I can't even do anything."

"YOU TRAINED IN LIGHTSABER COMBAT," said FRW. "GO IN THEIR AND CHOP MENTY'S HANDSOME HEAD OFF."

"But that goes against my plan to get them all in one place and kill them together!" said Wacky.

"DON'T CARE, DO IT."

"Are you...are you even really here?"

"HA...HAHAHAHA!"

"I knew it...I've been imaging you all this time, haven't I?"

"NOT ALL THE TIME. I REALLY DID SAVE YOU IN MY SPACESHIP LAST YEAR. BUT I GOT BORED OF YOUR WHINING. GOT SICK OF YOU SAYING YOU WERE JUST GOING TO DIE. SO I FUCKING SENT YOU BACK TO EARTH AND FUCKED OFF INTO THE STARS TO FUCK SOME ALIENS IN THEIR FUCKING EYE SOCKETS. ALL YOU SEE BEFORE YOU NOW IS AN ECHO OF THE REAL ME. YOUR FUCKDAMN IMAGINATION HAUNTING YOU."

"Then go." And with that, FRW disappeared and Wacky was truly alone.

That was, until his phone vibrated. He hadn't had a call in a year. Who could it be?

It was text message.

"You can still join us in paradise" - Hambil

Wacky clenched his fist in anger. He had a new reason to go on.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[headvoid]

FRW now has his own acronym - This is a good thing. Eventually he will become like Prince and we just use a symbol to represent him / her.

He also seems to be increasingly modeled on Seph. The fucking in the eye sockets comment in particular!

I hold a candle lit vigil for FRW every February the 6th. I call it the FIRST SHITTING, in memory of his "If possible I would shit on this site" opening gambit.

 

[CaptainWacky]

"I'll kill them!" ranted Wacky as he walked down some street in Greece. "The whole Mine Field! ALL OF THEM!"

"You can't do that!" came a voice. Wacky span round.

"Conchaga!?" he said. "Why can't I kill the Mine Field?"

"Because you shouldn't be killing THE WHOLE BOARD, not just the Mine Field! You're so selfish!"

"But I don't care about the rest of the board!"

"That has always been your problem!"

"RRRRR-ARGH!" Wacky used the Force to shove Conchaga away. He stormed off.

"Hambil," he said to himself. "He's the one who made robot bodies for the entire Mine Field. Created an immortality for them. Even if I do kill them all again they'll just upload to the TK server and Hambil will resurrect them in new bodies. I have to find a way to stop that. I have to find the factory where he's building the robots...AND DESTROY IT!"

"And maybe I can help you..." came a voice.

"Conchaga, get out of here, I have no interest in the rest of the board...wait a minute, you're..."

"THAT'S RIGHT, it's me...DARK GAGH!" said Dark Gagh, the evil clone of Gagh created five years earlier in a freak accident involving metal trousers.

"I thought you'd been hunted down and kill!ed" said Wacky.

"Hahahahaha, they tried!" said Dark Gagh. "I don't have any kidneys now! But I still live! Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"HATE kept me alive!"

"Oh, that."

"Well, that and DARK MAGIC! Yeah, I'm fucking full of dark magic, all the way down to my boots."

"Where'd you get all the Dark Magic from?"

"I CAN ANSWER THAT..." said a voice.

"You!" said Wacky.

"That's right, it's me!" said BOBBY T. "I have mastered the dark arts! And together with you and Dark Gagh, the Mine Field will fall once and for all!"

Then all three laughed evily for a full five minutes.

TO BE CONTINUED!? SERIOUSLY, I DON'T KNOW.

 

[Dr Dave]

A full five minutes?!

 

[headvoid]

LOL POLITICAL POST.

Also, Bobby T is scaring me.

 

[CaptainWacky]

He had been walking all this time, with DARK GAGH and Bobby T at this side. He hadn't stopped to eat or sleep. He was determined. Finally he arrived in NEW YORK CITY. He grabbed a passerby.

"I need directions to Eggs Mayonnaise's apartment," said Wacky.

"Hey, I'm walkin' here!" said the passerby.

"Torture him, Wacky," said Bobby T.

"TWIST HIS NIPPLES OFF," said Dark Gagh.

"I'll twist your nipples off!" said Wacky.

"Okay, okay, jeez, calm down, alright! Jeez! You jerk! Anyway, he lives right up there!" he pointed at Eggs' home. Wacky smiled evily.

"And so it is," he said and marched up to Eggs' front door.

"This is it, finally some action!" said Bobby T.

"BURN HIS CAT," said Dark Gagh.

"I don't think he has one," said Wacky.

"BURN HIS DOG," said Dark Gagh.

"Again..."

"Just knock the door!" said Bobby T. Wacky knocked. Eggs answered.

"Wacky!?" he said. "I haven't seen you since you tried to kill me!"

"I DID kill you!" said Wacky, barging in. "But Hambil CHEATED by bringing you all back to life! But I've had a year to come up with a plan. A PLAN FOR VENGEANCE. A plan into darkness!"

"Wacky, why can't you just be normal?" asked Eggs.

"HA HA HA!" laughed Wacky.

"Umm, is that your answer?"

"YES! HA HA HA!"

"What are you planning to do?"

"That's easy! You'll call up all the other Mine Fielders and ask them to meet you here. They'll trust you, you're like a father to them all. And then, with you all here, I'LL KILL YOU ALL WITH MY FEET!"

"And why would I do that?" asked Eggs, pity in his eyes.

"Because if you don't, I'll TORTURE YOU! Me and Dark Gagh and Bobby T!"

"YEAH!" said Bobby T.

"FFFFFFFF!" said Dark Gagh.

"Who?" asked Eggs.

"Ha, don't act like you don't know them!" said Wacky. "I'm sure you recognised them when we came in."

Eggs looked around. "Wacky, what are you talking about? You're here alone," he said.

"Don't try that one!" said Wacky. "DARK GAGH and BOBBY T are right here! Isn't that right, guys? Guys?" Wacky looked around. They were gone!

"And Dark Gagh and Bobby T? You just made those names up! There's no such people!" said Eggs.

"No!" said Wacky. "They can't have been imagined, they were my only friends, just like FILTHYRECWHORE...and he was imagined as well! NOOOO!"

"Wacky, you need help," said Eggs.

"I need...YOU TO DIE!" said Wacky, pulling out his lightsaber.

"That's your penis," said Eggs.

"DAMN IT!" said Wacky. "I left my lightsaber in Greece! BE RIGHT BACK!" And he run right through Eggs' window, jumping to the street below, where he broke both legs.

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

Before your cock crowed three times, I denied Bobby T. For this I should hang.

AND HANG WELL BONC!

 

[CaptainWacky]

Wacky woke up in hospital in New York.

"What...what happened?" he asked, groggy.

"You had a bad fall now, but you're going to be okay...once I operate," said a woman doctor. Wacky opened his eyes.

"You!" he said.

"That's right, MOFO!" said Cassie, posing as a doctor. "When Eggs called me up and said you were in hospital with two broken legs I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET of an opportunity to pass up!"

"But you already chopped my cock off last year!" said Wacky. "I haven't been able to wank for a year!"

"Didn't FILTHYRECWHORE grow you a new cock on his spaceship?" she asked.

"Well, yes, but I don't wank with it," said Wacky. "I feel too much shame."

"Then you won't mind me adding it to my collection, MOFO!" said Cassie, taking out her penis cleaver. "An alien cock, I've only got four of those!"

"Wait!" said Wacky, desperate not to lose another cock. "Last year when I killed your previous body, you used the Force. I never found out anything more abou that. Are you a Jedi, like me?"

"I'm a SITH WITCH, MOFO!" said Cassie. "The Dark Side FLOWS through me!"

"Hey, I'm pretty dark, I killed people!" said Wacky.

"I grow clones from the cock cells then murder them for my own amusement," said Cassie, calmly.

"Oh..." said Wacky.

"NOW DIE!" said Cassie, swinging the cleaver towards his crotch. But then she pasued in mid swing.

"Cassie?" asked Wacky. Suddenly her mouth moved and she spoked again, but with a different voice.

"No, this is Hambil," she said. "I have taken control of Cassie's robot body. Unfortunately she's been malfunctioning. Someone's corrupted the robot bodies I created. That was all a lie about her growing clones out of cock cells. She just flicks her bean while looking at them in jars."

"Why stop her from killing me?" asked Wacky.

"Because, this is your chance to redeem yourself," said Hambil. "All the robot bodies will end up like Cassie's soon. There will be nowhere for the Mine Fielders to go, their conscousnesses will die. Help me stop that. Become a hero!"

"I...I don't know," said Wacky. "I just don't know."

Then he started to cry.

"KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!" said Dr_Dave, who was in the next bed over.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Am I getting a banana bag?

 

[CaptainWacky]

After days of travel, Wacky had finally arrived at the TK server room, with Hambil in Cassie's body and Dr Dave.

"Finally," said Dr Dave. "We missed Christmas for this!"

"It was a long walk!" said Wacky. "I can't believe we're in AUSTRALIA!"

"Good day, mates!" said a random Australian. Dr Dave punched him out.

"I believe it," said Dr Dave.

"HURRY!" said Cassie/Hambil. "There isn't much time! Even Dr Dave's robot body is beginning to behave aggressively!"

"No, I'm always like this," said Dr Dave, kicking the unconscious Australian in the ribs.

"How did the TK server end up in this hellhole?" asked Wacky.

"Well, after you tried to kill everyone, Menty realised it was a bad idea to have the server in his bedroom in case you came back to destroy it again," said Hambil. "That and he didn't want anything to do with TK anywhere near him because he hates us all."

"So why Australia?" asked Wacky.

"Because here it is guarded..." said Hambil. "BY HIM!"

He pointed. Everyone span around. Dr Dave stood on the Australian's face as he did so.

There, standing guard over the TK server, was a gigantic robotic kangaroo.

"I don't get it," said Wacky. "Who built the gigantic robotic kangaroo?"

"I DID!" said Hambil, crying. "I built it to stop you from killing TK! And now, IRONICALLY, I need you to kill it to save TK!"

"Well," said Wacky, igniting his lightsaber, "as long as I get to kill something..."

"Give it Hell, Wacky!" said Dr Dave, dropping a knee to the Australian's groin.

Wacky flew into action with his lightsaber. He moved so fast that it brought a tear to Hambil's eye. The Kangaroo tried to hop on him, but Wacky easily jumped up into his pouch and stabbed his circuits. The Kangaroo grabbed at him, but Wacky was already on its head. He drove the lightsaber down into the back of the kangaroo's neck. Its eyes went dim. It fell to the ground.

"That kangaroo was like a son to me," said Hambil.

"Now to destroy the TK server and end this," said Wacky.

"No!" said Hambil. "Don't destroy it, just let me reprogram it to fix the robot bodies!"

"Yeah...I'm going to go with destroying it," said Wacky, pushing Hambil back with the Force and running towards the server.

"Stop him, Dr Dave!" said Hambil. "Oh no!" he said, on looking at Dr Dave.

Dr Dave was having sex with four Australian women.

"My robot body has malfunctioning and made me Australiansexual!" explained Dr Dave, unable to stop. Hambil could only look on in terror as Wacky lifted his lightsaber above his head...

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Somebody stop him!

 

[Eggs Mayonnaise]

My passport is expired, otherwise I'd hop on a plane...

 

[CaptainWacky]

"Don't do it, Wacky!" said FBI Parte Due, who had just appeared in front of him out of nowhere.

"How did you get here?" asked Wacky.

"The robot body Hambil made me had a few...additions," said FBI.

"Huh"? asked Wacky.

"A TELEPORTER, IT HAD A FUCKING TELEPORTER," said FBI.

"Oh!" said Wacky. "I thought you meant an extra huge penis."

"WELL..." said FBI.

"Anyway, I'm going to destroy the server and if you get in the way I'll kill you too...you, umm, bastard," said Wacky.

"Oh, I'm fine with you destroying the server," said FBI. "The problem is that this ISN'T the server."

"What!" said Wacky.

"It's true," said Hambil/Cassie, sighing. "This...this was all just a test. I thought there was still good in you. I was a fool! I set this whole thing up to see if you would destroy the server or try to save us all. You picked destruction. AND NOW, YOU MUST DIE."

"So the whole thing about the robot bodies malfunctioning, that isn't true?" asked Wacky.

"No, that's true," said Hambil. "That's why FBI is suicidal. Come to think about it, I probably should be trying to fix the malfunction instead of setting up elaborate ruses involving gigantic robotic kangaroos..."

"So where's the real server then?" asked Wacky.

"Ha! Do you think I would tell you that! I'm nost stupid! Well, not totally stupid. I am a bit stupid, obviously, or else this whole thing wouldn't have happened...anyway. I'm going to kill you now."

Wack laughed. "You have no chance."

"Why do you think I brought Dr Dave along? He's the one that will do the deed. Dr Dave, kill Wacky""

"Can't talk, tits in my mouth," said Dr Dave, as Australian women thrusted breasts into his mouth."

"I know where the REAL server is," said FBI. "I'll take you to it!" He held Wacky's hand.

"NO!" said Hambil/Cassie. But it was too late. FBI had teleported, taking Wacky with him.

Wacky and FBI appeared inside a dungeon.

"Where are we?" asked Wacky.

"I...this isn't where I meant to take us," said FBI.

"It's where I meant to take you, IMMMMMHO!" came a voice. "WELCOME, NEW TWINKS, to HENOCH'S SEX DUNGEON OF SEX!!!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED