Cat Cleaners: Season 2

[CaptainWacky]

(An old woman with a very dirty cat walks into Cat Cleaners.)

Old Woman: Excuse me? Could someone please clean my pussy?

(DJ walks out. The studio audience cheer like mad people.)

DJ: Lady, it's my specility!

Old Woman: Ah, no, I don't want a BLACK MAN near my pussy!

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!)

DJ: What! You RACIALIST?

Old Woman: No! Not me! The cat! He attacks black people! I want you to stay away for your own safety! I love the blacks. In fact, I made love TO a black last night!

(Studio Audience: WOOOOOOOOO!)

Old Woman: No, what I need is some dumb white boy to do this job!

(Jock slides out of the backroom. Literally, there's oil all over the floor.)

Jock: You raaaaaaang?

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: No, I didn't! Because your insane Uncle Mac STILL hasn't installed that bell on the front desk like he said he would, dawg!

Jock: Hay, LAY OFF Uncle Mac? He's just giong through some stuff.

DJ: Yeah, his meds!

(Studio audience erupt.)

Old Woman: So can you clean my cat or not, whitey?

Jock: I don't know, that cat looks like a TWO MAN job.

DJ: But I'm black!

Jock: Why not WHITE UP then, like you people used to do in the fifties to get on tv!

(Studio audience laugh at Jock's ignorant racism.)

DJ: That could work!

Jock: Or...perhaps SHE could help...

DJ: Oh no, you don't mean...

(Lucy walks in. Audience groan. One person starts to applaud politely then stops out of embarrassment.)

Lucy: What's going on here? Why are you two standing around instead of cleaning that cat? We need money, people!

DJ: Is that all you care about, you cold cold bitch?

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOH!)

Lucy: Some of us actually work at this Cat Cleaning shop instead of just sitting around! And this place is a mess! Why is there OIL all over the floor?

Jock: So I could slide in!

Lucy: TYPICAL.

Jock: Ah come on, we're friends really...

Lucy: Your an absolute moron. Your friend ran off with my underage sister and I'm forced to work here just to pay rent. No one else will hire me after I became associated with you two losers. You are nothing to me.

(Jock throws the CAN OF OIL over Lucy. Studio audience explode. She's now BLACK because of the oil covering her.)

Lucy: Idiot. I'm not even going to let that stop me. I'm going to clean this cat...

(She reaches out for the cat. It attacks her! Studio audience ROAR as it scratches the shit out of her.)

Old Lady: You should have known she isn't really black, she's got a white girl's ass!

(Jock takes DJ aside.)

Jock: I feel bad about keeping Lucy in the dark about what we're REALLY doing here...she thinks we're just two slackers! Shouldn't we tell her the TRUTH?

DJ: She's not ready to know our DARK SECRET yet, bro.

Jock: Maybe you're right. Think we should pry that cat off her?

DJ: Give it FIVE MORE MINUTES!

(Audience laugh as Lucy cries in pain, her blood all over the place. Suddenly, UNCLE MAC comes charging in through a wall, after chopping a hole in it with his AXE!)

Uncle Mac: ALL THE PANDAS ARE AGAINST ME, STOP SWITZERLAND FROM STEALING THE QUEEN'S DIAMOND TEETH, MEEP MEEP!

Jock: That's my crazy Uncle Mac!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Fracking pandas!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy is alone in cat cleaners. TEN MEN are waiting for service with TWO CATS each. Making TWENTY CATS. Lucy is still covered in scratches from the attack by the racist cat.)

Lucy: Please, don't all talk at once, I can only wash one cat at a time!

Biker: One cat at a time? What kind of a pussified cat cleaning service is this? I've got a fight with a gang of Nazis in ONE HOUR. I need clean cats! Clean mine first!

Priest: No, clean MY cats first, child. I have HOLY BUSINESS to attend to.

Sassy Black Woman: What, you got some molestin' to do?

(Studio audience: woooooo!)

Lucy: Come on, there's no need for that.

Sassy Black Woman: There's no need for your non-existant ass either!

(Studio audience: WOOOOOOO!)

Lucy: What does that mean?

Sassy Black Woman: It means you ain't GOT no ass, girlfriend! You better clean MY cats first so you can afford to buy yourself a CHICKEN SANDWICH, you bag of bones!

(Studio Audience Member: I wish she was a series regular instead of Lucy!)

Handsome Doctor: Look, all these fine people make a good case. Maybe you should clean my cats left. Sure, I have to perform LIFE SAVING SURGERY on BETTY WHITE in an hour, and knowing my cats are dirty will distract me and cost Betty her life...but I'm sure all these people have pressing issues.

Bum: Yeah, I gots to gets back to me begging!

(Studio audience laugh at his misfortune.)

Lucy: Where are Jock and DJ? How can I clean all these cats by myself?

(She waits but the studio audience don't go "aww!")

Man Dressed As Hitler: NIEN!

(Studio audience explode. MEANWHILE, Jock, DJ and A POLICE OFFICER are in the back room.)

Jock: I feel bad leaving Lucy out there by herself...

DJ: Man, forget that hobag. She doesn't care about you. We have much more important work to do...now that we're POLICE DETECTIVES.

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOOOOOH!)

Police Officer: And I need your help to catch a serial killer!

DJ: We'll collar the perp!

Jock: Yeah, we'll nail his ass...not in a gay way!

(Uncle Mac charges in with his axe.)

Uncle Mac: I'LL HELP TOO!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

YES!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(The shop is being overrun by cats. Lucy is standing up on the desk to avoid being scratched. A PERVY MAN looks up her skirt)

Pervy Man: Jesus, I see the promised land!

Lucy: Shut up, you!

(He tries to reach up her skit. Lucy kicks him in the face. Studio Audience: Aww! That poor pervert!)

Pervy Man: Oww!

(A BLACK BOXER walks over.)

Boxer: Yo, leave that woman alone. You okay, dollface?

Lucy: Thanks. I'm glad there's one gentleman in here.

Boxer: Hey, I ain't no gentleman, what you be callin' me gentle for. I won my last TEN FIGHTS by knockout, okay, I'll punch you out if you call me a pansy again, biatch!

(In the BACKROOM, Jock and DJ are watching this on a monitor.)

DJ: Haha, stupid Lucy! Don't mess with The Champ!

Jock: Hey! That's it! I'm going out there to help her ONCE AND FOR ALL.

Police Officer: You can't! Not with a MURDERED in that room! It's not safe!

Jock: But it's safe for Lucy?

Police Officer: The murderer only kills men, okay! He's killed one so far!

Jock: ...so he could kill a woman next?

DJ: Damn, I thought you were the dumb one! Yeah, punc her, champ!

(Uncle Mac pops up from behind a box of cat cleaning supplies.)

Uncle Mac: He is, he's a product of incest!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Explain again how this whole set-up works...for the audience...and by that I mean Uncle Mac.

Police Officer: WELL, after you two cleaned my cat a few weeks ago and solved the mystery of how it got dirty in the first place (mud) I realised that you both have a lot of potential as POLICE DETECTIVES. When a murderer killed a homeless man a few days ago, I decided to invite all the suspects here on the promise of a FREE CAT CLEANING so that you could solve the case.

DJ: Makes sense!

Jock: But they all have two cats each!

Uncle Mac: Buy one, get one free!

(Studio audience laugh even though this makes no sense.)

Jock: How are we supposed to tell which one's the murderer anyway?

(Suddnely, ALL THE LIGHTS GO OFF. When they come back on, Jock and DJ are staring at the monitor in disbelief. CUT TO the front room. Lucy is bending over the Pervy Man.)

Lucy: He's...he's dead! ONE OF YOU MURDERED HIM!

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOOOOH!)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

"Will Lucy be next?

Find out Next time on Cat Cleaners."

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock, DJ, Uncle Mac and POLICE OFFICER are watching on the monitor.)

Jock: We have to go out there RIGHT NOW and protect Lucy!

Police Officer: Protect her? She could be the killer, for all we know!

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOH!)

DJ: She's a suspect, dog?

Jock: But she wasn't before!

Police Officer: No, but now another murder has happened with HER in the room! And it was Pervy Guy who was murdered too! Very suspicious!

DJ: You gots to admit, she does hate pervy guys...

Jock: Well we need to get out there anyway, before there's any more murders!

Police Officer: Okay, here's two OFFICIAL POLICE BADGETS. You're now deputised!

DJ: SWEET! Does this mean I can carry a gun?

Police Officer: Yes!

DJ: Sweet, I already do!

(He pulls out a gun and fires it into the air. Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: Don't worry, it's made out of choclate!

(He eats the CHOCLATE GUN! Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Aren't you coming out too?

Police Officer: No...it's time you two rookie cops become MEN and solve this case by yourselves...don't worry, I'll be watching from back here.

Jock: That seems odd...

Uncle Mac: I'll come too! We'll solve the mystery of who killed Elvis if it kills us!

(Studio audience laughs. The police Officer pats Uncle Mac on the head.)

Police Officer: You better stay here with me, old timer.

Uncle Mac: Next time you touch me I'll break your fucking arm.

(Lucy is outside now, surrounded by the nine remaining customers. They are: Biker, Priest, Sassy Black Woman, Handsome Doctor, Bum, Man Dressed As Hitler, The Champ, Guy With Autism and a Ninja!)

Lucy: I didn't kill him!

Autism Guy: Logic dictates that you did.

Lucy: How could I have killed him!?

Handsome Doctor: With a POWERFUL NERVE TOXIN.

Lucy: You seem to know a lot about how to kill people. PERHAPS YOU DID IT.

(Studio audience boo Lucy. He's handsome!)

The Champ: The white girl raises a good point! Let me PUNCH THIS RICHASS DOCTOR OUT to stop him killing anyone else.)

(Jock and DJ appear in the doorway

Jock and DJ: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

(Studio Audience: WOOOOOOOO! Jock and DJ flash their badges.)

Lucy: Oh fuck.

Jock: We're OFFICERS OF THE LAW! No one take another step!

Handsome Doctor: Wait, I think that guy's still breathing, I'm a doctor, let me see him!

DJ: No way, perp! We don't want you destroying evidence! Leave that corpse alone!

Handsome Doctor: But he might not be dead!

DJ: Yeah, or you might be about to turn him into a zombie! WE CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE!

(The Champ punches out the Handsome Doctor.)

DJ: Good one, champ!

(DJ and the Champ high five.)

Biker: Uhh, what if Pervy Guy really isn't dead?

(The Champ punches out Biker.)

DJ: NO TALKING!

Lucy: Please let me die next.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Jock takes DJ aside.)

Jock: You know that Champ sure is punchy...how do we know HE didn't kill Pervy Guy?

DJ: What, the Champ? No way! He's a great boxer!

Jock: Yeah, and we all know THEY are never violent!

(Studio audience laugh and cheer.)

DJ: Man, don't you be racial profiling!

(Studio audience cheer and laugh.)

Jock: Didn't he beat up his ex-wife?

DJ: No man, he beat up his ex-wife's wife. She's a lesbian!

(Studio audience cheer this act of violence.)

Jock: Yeah, okay, I'll give you that...but still, we should check to see if Pervy Guy was PUNCHED TO DEATH.

DJ: You know, you're right. That would be good honest detective work!

(DJ walks over to Pervy Guy and flips his dead body over. He carelessly pulls at Pervy Guy's clothes to see if there's any PUNCH MARKS.)

DJ: Nope, wasn't punched to death!

Champ: Hey, why were you checking for punch marks?

DJ: Uhh...we thought Lucy might have punched him to death!

Lucy: What!?

DJ: Yeah, she's always punching people.

(Lucy punches DJ on the arm.)

DJ: See!

(Studio audience explode.)

Bum: Hey, wait, I think I might know something about this murder...

DJ: Shut up, Bum, we're detecting here!

Lucy: Hey, maybe you should listen to him.

Jock: Yeah, let's listen to him. Good call, Lucy.

Lucy: Fuck you Jock.

(Studio Audience: Aww!)

DJ: Okay, Bum, you PERP, what do you know?

Jock: Did anyone HERE commit the murder?

Man Dressed As HItler: Nien!

Guy With Autism: I need to tie my shoes again!

Bum: Look, a friend of mine got murdered the other day...

Jock: Yeah, we know, you're one of the suspects! OOPS, shouldn't have said that!

Bum: But wait, I think I know who did that! IT WAS...

(SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS GO OUT. When they come back on, Bum has been KNOCKED OUT and has a PUNCH MARK on his face!)

DJ: It WAS the champ! So much for BLACK POWER!

Jock: Quick, arrested him!

(The Champ grabs Lucy and pulls a knife on her.)

Champ: You're not taking me alive!

(Uncle Mac comes staggering out.)

Uncle Mac: Kids, I have something important to say...uhh...I just wet myself!

(Studio audience laughs as the champ presses the knife into Lucy's neck and she starts to bleed.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[CaptainWacky]

Lucy: Please...don't kill me...

Champ: Shut up, ho. You got any idea what it's like living on THE STREETS?

Lucy: No, of course not

Champ: Yeah? Well...neither do. But I imagine it's pretty bad! Being on the STREETS! With no house! Damn, dawg! Anyway, I'm just saying, worse things happen to pretty white girls on the STREETS.

DJ: Stop saying "the streets" so much!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Look, you've already killed two people and punched out Bum, don't kill Lucy as well!

Champ: Man, I didn't do NOTHIN'! Just because I'm a violent black guy who once threw his wife out of a window, you think I commited THIS violent crime! I'll never get a fair trial from you whities!

DJ: I'm black and I think you're guilty too!

(The Champ's arm drops to his side for a moment, freeing Lucy.)

Champ: That hurts, man.

(Uncle Mac hits The Champ with a flying karate kick, knocking him out. Studio audience cheer.)

Uncle Mac: I learned THAT ONE fighting CHARLIE in THE NAM!

Jock: Uncle Mac! I never knew that!

Uncle Mac: Yeah my friend Charlie and I went on vacation to Vietnam and we had a fight over some girl. I learned that kick during the fight. WHAT DID YOU THINK I MEANT?

(Uncle Mac makes a goofy Uncle Mac face. Then pees all over the champ.)

Uncle Mac: Damn it!

DJ: Yo, Mac, didn't you have something you wanted to tell us?

Uncle Mac: I can't remember!

Man Dressed As Hitler: Nien!

Autism Guy: How unfortunate.

Sassy Black Woman: MMMM, HMMM!

Priest: I'm still here as welll!

(Suddenly, the Handsome Doctor wakes up from being punched out. Lucy runs over to him. Audience members mutter "slut" and "hussy" under their breath.)

Lucy: You're okay! And still handsome!

Handsome Doctor: Old man, did you say you're suffering from amnesia AND peeing yourself?

Uncle Mac: I can't remember!

(Uncle Mac pees on the floor again. Several members of the studio audience do the same, with laughter.)

Handsome Doctor: Then the killer must have used Ampissnia poison on you!

Jock: You're saying that The Champ poisoned Uncle Mac to stop him from revealing who the killer is?

Handsome Doctor(sneering): The Champ? He's a simple black man, there's no way he'd have knowledge of Ampissnia poison!

(Studio Audience: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH.)

Lucy: You're...you're racist?

Man Dressed As Hitler: Ha! I liked this doctor!

Handsome Doctor: Only against blacks!

DJ: But ironically your racism has just CLEARED The Champ of these murders!

Handsome Doctor: Don't talk to me, boy.

(Lucy slaps Handsome Doctor.)

Lucy: I can't believe you'd let me think you were handsome when actually you were racist all along!

(She storms away. Audience member shouts out "HE'S STILL TOO GOOD FOR YOU!")

Sassy Black Woman: So who IS the real killer, then?

(Bum wakes up again.)

Bum: I was just about to say! The REAL KILLER is...

(The lights go off again. Everyone sighs. When they come back on, Bum has been stabbed through the neck with a pair of scissors.)

DJ: I guess someone want to CUT THE CRAP!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Wait, I think...I've figured it out!

(The lights go off again...but then they turn BACK ON. Jock is standing at the LIGHT SWITCH.)

Jock: Someone's been putting the lights off with THIS switch! We just need to take fingerprints!

DJ: But YOU just used that light switch too!

Priest: HE'S THE KILLER!

(Everyone jumps on Jock as Bum bleeds to death.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Awwww shit!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy checks on Bum as everyone jumps on Jock.)

Lucy: Idiots! Hey, Handsome Doctor, Bum's about to die!

Handsome Doctor: Pfffft, I'm nost saving him.

Lucy: He's not black!

Handsome Doctor: But he's a bum. They're worthless. Hahaha!

(Bum dies. Lucy charges over to the pile of idiots on Jock and angril pulls DJ off.)

Lucy: Did you see that? Bum just DIED and you're all busy blaming Jock for a crime he obviously didn't commit! You fools!

(She breaks down crying. Studio audience yawn.)

DJ: Damn, she's right. What have we become.

Guy Dressed As Hitler: Nien!

(DJ pulls his Hitler moustache off.)

DJ: Hey, you're my mailman!

Guy Dressed As Hitler But Now Without A Moustache: ...Ja. I just do this for attention.

Sassy Black Woman: You should try flashing people on the subway like Pervy Guy did, MMMM HMM!

Lucy: He did? Hmm...

(Jock finally gets up.)

Jock: Man, I thought having a load of people pile on top of me would be more fun than that!

(Studio audiene cheer and chant "you've still got it!" at Jock.)

DJ: Jock, brother, I'm sorry, man.

Jock: It's okay, broski!

(They hug. Studio audience "awww!")

Jock: So, as I was saying, only someone with access to this lightswitch over here could be the REAL KILLER.

DJ: But we've all been standing over there!

Jock: Exactly!

DJ: So who's the killer then?

Uncle Mac: Is it Fred Flintstone?

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: No, it can only be one person, the person who's been watching us in the backroom all this time...

(POLICE OFFICER steps out from the backroom which is RIGHT NEXT to the lightswitch. He's holding A GUN.)

Police Officer: Well done, Jock. Maybe we'll make a real policeman out of you yet!

DJ: No, not you!

Priest: Sweet Jesus!

(Police Officer shoots the priest dead.)

Police Officer: More like sweet DEADUS!

(DJ's jaw drops.)

Jock: You monster!

(Jock runs at Police Officer...a shot rings out. Jock falls to the floor.)

Lucy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

!

 

[CaptainWacky]

(Lucy and DJ try to run over to Jock, but Police Officer points his gun at them.)

Police Officer: You want me to kill you too?

DJ: Why, man, why kill Jock? You're a police officer of the law!

Autism Guy: Logic dictates that he is no real police officer.

Guy Dressed As Hitler: Nien!

Sassy Black Woman: NUH HUH!

Biker(waking up from being punched out by The Champ remember that): Hey, he is a real officer...a TRAFFIC officer! He gave my HOG a ticket once!

(Studio audience: OOOOOOH!)

Police Officer: Hahaha, since I'm going to kill you all anyway, I might as well tell you everything!

DJ: Or you could, like, just kill us all.

Lucy: Yeah, that would probably be smarter.

Uncle Mac: Have you kids gone BONKERS? Hang on to life, and cherish it! Now, I'm off to inject some heroin!

(Studio audience cheer as Uncle Mac walks off to inject some heroin.)

DJ: What's the point in living in a world without Jock.

(Studio audience: AWWW!)

Lucy: I've seen so much death now, I can't live anymore.

(Studio audience boo and shout "EMO SCUM" at Lucy.)

Police Officer; What you PUNKS don't know is that I was KICKED OFF the traffic force after a BUM reported me for molesting him!

Handsome Doctor: And did you molest him?

Police Officer: Of course, he was hot!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: So the bum who was murdered, that was revenge?

Police Officer: Yes it was. I killed him in the park and ALL THESE PEOPLE were there too. I had to lure them here to make sure none of them had seen anything incriminating.

Lucy: And Bum remembered something...so you killed him.

Police Officer: That's right!

Lucy: But what about Pervy Guy? What did he do?

Police Officer: He flashed me on the train! Normally I wouldn't have minded, but his dick was small!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: But why bring them all here, to Cat Cleaners?

Police Officer: It's simple. After I had my cat cleaned here recently, I noticed that you and Jock were THE TWO BIGGEST RETARDS TO EVER LIVE. I knew I could USE YOU as part of my scheme then KILL YOU when I was done. Which I will do...NOW!

Voice: NOT SO FAST.

(Everyone spins round. It's...The Champ. Not Jock. Studio audience groan. Police Officer shoots THE CHAMP in the LEG.)

Police Officer: Haha, if that's the only surprise, I can't be stopped!

(JOCK suddenly jumps up and GRABS Police Officer's gun from him.)

Jock: It's NOT the only surprise...I just stopped you LIKE A CLOCK!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Dr Dave]

Hot Damn!

 

[headvoid]

I love the idea that they have to clean up the mess every week as the Studio Audience explode. They must go through a lot of those clear builders plastic sheets.

 

[Dr Dave]

I bet they have a contract with somebody.

 

[CaptainWacky]

DJ: Damn dog!

Lucy: But...but how!

Jock: When I discovered I was going to become a genuine police detective, I got me a BULLET PROOF VEST!

(Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: From where!?

Jock: Uncle Mac's closet! I even emptied out all his heroin bottles and filled them with water!

DJ: Of course!

Police Officer: Yeah, great, you've got a gun...I've got THIS!

(He pulls out a knife. Studio audience OOOOOOOH!)

The Champ: Shoot him, Jock! Become a MAN!

Handsome Doctor: End his life the way I end the lives of black patients by mistreating them!

Autism Guy: Logically speaking, you should execute this monster for his crimes.

(Jock aims the gun.0

Jock: I...I can't! I CAN'T KILL ANYONE!

(Studio Audience: Aww!)

Lucy: I'm proud of you, Jock.

(Studio audience boo Lucy.)

Police Officer: Then it's time for me to get STABBY!

(SUDDENLY Uncle Mac runs in an dgives Police Officer a FLYING KICK, finally knocking him out!)

Uncle Mac: You just got hit by the MAC ATTACK!

DJ: Damn dog, how you always flying about like thaT?

Uncle Mac: I took my SUPER STRENGTH FORMULA! I keep it in "heroin" bottles to fool people!

Jock: But... I replaced your heroin with water!

Uncle Mac: Then...I realy DO have super powers? TO THE ROOF! TO FLY!

(Uncle Mac runs away to go up on the roof and jump off to see if he can fly as the studio audience applaud.)

DJ: Well, it looks like everything turned out okay!

Lucy: Three people died!

Handsome Doctor: Two bums and a pervy guy! It's just a shame the Police Officer didn't kill any of the blacks!

(Sassy Black Woman PUNCHES OUT Handsome Doctor to end his story arc to HUGE CHEERS.)

Sassy Black Woman: So much of OBAMACARE!

(Studio audience laugh at this barely comprehensible joke.)

Jock: Will things ever be the same around here? I can't believe I was fooled like that. If I had realised Police Officer was the murderer sooner, I could have stopped him killing again.

Lucy: It's not your fault, Jock, he was a sick man. If it's worth anything, you impressed me today.

Jock: Thanks Lucy.

(The hug. DJ walks over, takes Jock's hand, and places it on Lucy's ass.)

DJ: Now that's what I call a RE-WARD!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Lucy: What does that even fucking mean?

Guy Dressed As Hitler: Nien!

(Everyone laughs as the REAL COPS arrive to take Police Officer away and we see Uncle Mac fall by the window flapping his arms.)

Uncle Mac: I CAN FLYYYYYY!

(He crashes to his death.)

Everyone: Oh Uncle Mac!

(Everyone starts dancing to LANA DEL REY'S LATEST HIT as the studio audience explode.)

END OF SEASON

 

[Dr Dave]

Oh no Uncle Mac!