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Cat Cleaners: Season 4

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
The new DUBSTEP REMIX of the Cat Cleaners theme plays...

(Jock and DJ are arm wrestling WITH THEIR SHIRTS OFF. Studio audience whoop and cheer in delight. Several women faint.)

Jock: I'll beat you this time!

DJ: Not likely, I work out this arm A LOT if you know what I mean!

Jock: I don't!

DJ: Ask YOUR MOMMA!

(Studio audience "OOOOOOOH!")

Jock: ...ask her what?

(Studio audience are in hysterics.)

DJ: Shut up and be defeated!

(Lucy walks in to a mild splattering of applause.)

Lucy: Why are you two slapnuts arm-wrestling?

Jock: We started with thumb wrestling and worked our way up!

DJ: And this time, it's PERSONAL!

(DJ wins. Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Oh man!

DJ: I told you, don't bet against black!

Lucy: Don't you have some cats to clean or something?

Jock: We haven't had any new customers in four days!

DJ: Yeah, people really don't seem to want their cats cleaned!

Lucy: Well what about the new "reading stories to cats" service we've been offering?

Jock: Oh, we're not doing that anymore.

Lucy: What! Why not?

Jock: The cats didn't like the stories!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: And it was taking up too much time. We could have been playing WII BOWLNG in that time!

Jock: Great game!

(They high five as the stuido audience cheer.)

Lucy: But we're losing so much money!

Jock: Don't worry, I sold forty percent of the business to some woman!

Lucy and DJ: WHAAAAAT!?

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: Yeah, she invested millions so we don't have to worry about money now! DJ, I challenged you to all your body up and wrestle me NUDE like the greeks used to do!

DJ: You don't have to ask me twice!

(But before they can, UNCLE MAC and THE CHAMP walk in to a huge cheers and a few marriage proposals from the studio audience.)

Uncle Mac: Hi Jock! VJ. Laura. Got any work for us?

Jock and DJ: NO.

The Champ: Good, suckas! Uncle Mac and I can keep working on our play!

Lucy: You two are writing a play?

The Champ: Yeah, ho, what's it to you? What, you think because I'm a violent ex-con and boxer and he's mentally ill we can't write a play?

Lucy: Well, yes.

The Champ: ...yeah, you're right. Can you help us?

Lucy: Well it's not like I'm doing any work!

(There's a THUNDERSTRIKE and the studio audience go "OOOOH!" as a HOT WOMAN in a BUSINESS SUIT walks in.)

Hot Woman: Hello?

Jock: If you need your cat cleaned, come back later, we're busy!

DJ: Underpants off, Jock!

Uncle Mac: And if you need your PUSSY cleaned...The Champ can help you out!

The Champ: Sure can!

(The Champ licks his lips suggestively in an example of the new raunchy humour Cat Cleaners has embraced to compete with 2 Broke Girls.)

Hot Woman: Oh, I'm not here for either of those things. I'm the NEW OWNER!

Jock: Oh, it's you who bought 40%?

Hot Woman: Uhh, I paid TEN MILLION DOLLARS to buy 100% of this business!

Jock: Damn, I knew I should have read the small print!

Hot Woman: And I want a return on my investment! There isn't even a single cat here! And why are there five employees? I'm firing two RIGHT NOW!

Uncle Mac: Is it going to be me and The Champ?

Hot Woman: Well you're the oldest and he's the blackest...SO YES!

(Studio audience BOO.)

Uncle Mac: In that case...

(He SMACKS HER ASS and leaves with The Champ to huge cheers.)

Hot Woman: As for the rest of you...START CLEANING!

DJ: You know, I'm beginning to think she's sort of hardass...

(She pulls out a WHIP and WHIPS DJ.)

Hot Woman: NOW!

DJ: Man, she's a solid brickass!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Does she look like that bizarre business woman from Dragons Den?
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(The new boss is COUNTING CASH in Cat Cleaners.)

New Boss: This is pathetic! A cat cleaning business should make MUCH more money than this!

Jock: Cats just aren't as dirty these days!

New Boss: Hmm, maybe some kind of oil spillage would help with that...

Lucy: That's horrible!

New Boss: Shut up, Lucy! You want to be whipped?

Lucy: No, master!

DJ: Yo, you can't whip Lucy, she's a girl!

New Boss: My mother whipped me and I turned out okay! NOW WORK HARDER.

Jock: We don't have anything to do!

New Boss: Get looking for oil tankers to sabotage!

Jock: Can I ask what your name is?

New Boss: FINE. It's Cindy. Cindy Business!

DJ(under his breath): More like Cindy BITCHINESS...

(Studio audience oooooooh!)

Cindy: I heard that!

(Cindy whips DJ. Studio audience boo. Uncle Mac and The Champ are watching through the window.)

The Champ: What a straight up biznatch, know what I'm sayin'?

Uncle Mac: I hear you, dawg.

The Champ: Still...I'd totally hit that!

Uncle Mac: Man I'd hit that and never quit that!

(They high five.)

The Champ: So...what are we going to do now, sucka?

Uncle Mac: I don't know. I haven't attempted suicide for a while...

(Studio audience roar.)

The Champ: I used to be the boxing champion of the world. Now I'm looking through a cat cleaners window with a crazy old man.

Uncle Mac: AHAHAHAHAHA! Maybe slit my wrists this time?

The Champ: Sounds good...

Uncle Mac: Or we could open up a dog cleaning business...

The Champ: Whatever, it's literally all the same to me now.

(Back inside, Cindy is making Jock, DJ and Lucy scrub the inside of the cat cleaning machine.)

Cindy: SCRUB HARDER!

Jock: Why?

Cindy: JUST DO IT.

DJ: Man! Can't we go outside without our shirts on and try to bring business here with our buff bodies?

(Cindy thinks about this for a moment.)

Cindy: Well, okay. BUT THEY BETTER BE PLENTY BUFF.

Jock: I've never had any complaints before!

(Cindy whips him.)

Jock: The scars will scare away customers!

Cindy: NOT PERVY CUSTOMERS.

(She whips them again and they run out. She turns to Lucy.)

Lucy: Can I stop now?

Cindy: Look, I can't be seen to be showing you special treatment.

Lucy: No one's watching.

Cindy: Well, okay.

(Lucy stops scrubbing.)

Lucy: I can't believe you bought this place!

Cindy: Well I wanted to be closer to you. AND BRING THESE TWO JERKS DOWN.

Lucy: They're not that bad sometimes...

Cindy: NEVER forget what they did.

Lucy: Okay...I won't forget...MOTHER.

(Studio audience GASP!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are back inside Cat Cleaners, picking cat hair out of the carpet.)

DJ: I can't believe that evil biatch made us pick cat hair out of the carpet!

Jock: Now come on, she might be a biatch and she might be acting in an evil manner, but we don't know for sure if she's evil!

DJ: That's your character trait, Jock, always seeing the best in people! I wish you'd never sold Cat Cleaners to her!

Jock: Me too, but there's nothing we can do now but make the best of it!

(Two HOT GIRLS with cats come in. One is black and one is white. Same with the girls! Studio audience wolf-whistle. Jock and DJ duck behind the counter to hide.)

DJ: Speaking of making the best of things!

Jock: They must have been brought here by our buff advertising campaign! It's the only explanation!

White Girl: I can't believe there's really a cat cleaning shop!

Black Girl: I'm glad that crazy old man and that guy who looked like a boxer but was clearly a crack addict pointed us here!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Okay, I get the white one, you get the black one.

DJ: Hey, that's racist!

Jock: Well, which one do you want?

DJ: ...the black one.

Jock: Actually, I do too. I just said that so you'd say it was racist and invert it and I'd get her.

DJ: TOO BAD.

(They jump out.)

Jock: Need some "SERVICE!"

(Studio audience "woooo" Jock's air quotes.)

DJ: Haha, he's crazy, ignore him. But do you need some...ASSistance?

(Studio audience explode.)

White Girl: You two work here?

White Black: You're cat cleaners?

Jock: Yeah, well, actually I'm the boss...

DJ: We both are! We own this shop.

Jock: Together!

(Jock puts his arm around DJ for some reason and the studio audience laugh.)

White Girl: Oooh, that's so cute, owning a busienss together!

Black Girl: How long have you been dating?

Jock: Long enough!

(Studio audience laugh. DJ throws Jock's arm off him.)

DJ: No! We're not gay!

Jock: OOOH, right. Nah, we're not even bi!

DJ: Not that there's anything wrong with that!

(Studio audience cheer this catchphrase from a much better and more successful show. SUDDENLY Cindy walks out to HUGE BOOS.)

Cindy: ACTUALLY they ARE gay and not even bi and they only PRETEND to own this shop because they're ASHMED of who they are!

Black Girl: Yuk!

White Girl: That's so wrong!

(Black Girl slaps Jock and White Girl slaps DJ and they STORM OUT.)

Jock: Darn nit!

DJ: Yo, why'd you interrupt us macking on those dames, we were in like Martin Luther King there!

(Cindy whips both Jock and DJ.)

Cindy: SHUT UP! That's for pretending to own this place and driving off more customers. NOW BACK TO THE CARPET OR TASTE MY WHIP!

(She whips them anyway. Lucy is watching from the storeroom.)

Lucy: Oh no, I'm so conflicted!

(There's a NOISE behind her and UNCLE MAC is climbing out the window with a huge tub of Cat Cleaning fluid.)

Uncle Mac: That's weird, becaues I've just broken and entered and I'm not conflicted at all!

(Studio audience woooo.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Uncle Mac and The Champ have set up a stall with the words "DOG CLEANERS" writte on a sign in crayon above it. Studio audience cheer.)

Uncle Mac: Step right up! Get your dogs cleaned here!

The Champ: Bring over your bitches and I'll take care of them. And bring your dogs too!

(Studio audience cheer The Champ's sexism. A woman with a DIRTY POODLE walks over.)

Woman: Can you wash my precious SNUGGLES?

The Champ: Lady, we don't wash cats, we CLEAN them. With chemicals and shit!

Woman: Is that safe?

Uncle Mac: Of COURSE it's safe! Why, these chemicals are so safe, I'd even drink them!

(Uncle Mac takes a big swig from a bottle of cat cleaning fluid.)

Uncle Mac: Mmm, refreshing!

Woman: Well, okay...

(The Champ grabs the poodle and stuffs it into the DOG CLEANING device, which is just a CAT CLEANING device with the word "CAT" scored out and replaced by "DOG" on it. He cranks the handle.)

The Champ: This shouldn't take long, it's a small dog...

(Suddenly there's an EXPLOSION inside the dog cleaning device and the poodle comes flying out, its fur SINGED.)

Woman: What the cork! My Snuggles!

Snuggles: Miaow!

Woman: It's turn him into a cat somehow!

The Champ: Damn, maybe using cat cleaning chemicals on a dog wasn't such a good idea...damn, Uncle Mac, you drank some of it, are you okay...

(Uncle Mac is walking around on all fours purring!)

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

The Champ: ...I need to go back on drugs.

(Cindy is sitting at her desk inside Cat Cleaners. Studio audience boo her. Someonw knocks on the door.)

Cindy: COME IN.

(Jock walks in to huge cheers.)

Jock: You wanted to see me?

Cindy: SHUT UP. Yes, I wanted to see you. SHUT THE DOOR.

(Jock shuts the door.)

Jock: Why are you such a bitch?

(Studio audience OOOOOOH.)

Cindy: Direct. I like that. BUT ALSO I HATE IT. Let's just say that circumstances have made me this way.

Jock: If you hate me and DJ so much, why don't you just fire us?

Cindy: Hate you? Do I hate you, Jock? Maybe I hate DJ. Maybe I hate other employees...

Jock: Hey, don't you be mean about Lucy!

Cindy: Who else has worked here?

Jock: Well, there was my best friend Nerd Guy....haven't thought about him for a long time.

Cindy: How could you be best friends with such a MONSTER?

Jock: You knew him? I don't understand...what could you mean...

Cindy: Damn it! Looks like I'll have to make you forget what I just said!

Jock: Good luck!

(Cindy DIVES onto Jock, RAMMING her tongue down his THROAT! Studio audience are so shocked that some can be heard fainting.)

Cindy: Do you remember now?

Jock: I can't even remember my own name! But this is wrong, you've been so mean to DJ and Lucy, if I have sex with you it's like I'm cheating on them!

Cindy: I'll let you use my whip.

Jock: YES MA'AM!

(Jock and Cindy continue to have sex.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(DJ and Lucy are are installing a shark tank inside Cat Cleaner's.)

DJ: Man! I can't believe Cindy's new idea to improve business is to have a LIVE SHARK here in cat cleaners and let owners of bad kitties FEED their cats to the shark!

(Studio audience gasp in shock and boo this evil.)

Lucy: Well, it's up to the owners...

DJ: It must be illegal!

Lucy: Actually, there's an anciest law saying bad kitties can be killed in any manner, no matter how violent.

DJ: Damn! I hate that Cindy! What a DRIED UP OLD ICE MAIDEN CRONE BITCH!

(Studio audience "OOOOOOOH!")

Lucy: Maybe she has some redeeming features somehow...

DJ: Nah, she ain't got NONE! Not her, not any relatives she might have! I bet even HER CHILDREN are rotten to the core just like she is!

Lucy: Oh come on, DJ...

DJ: Yeah, you're right, that's probably not true. Bitch probably don't HAVE no children! Who'd want to sleep with her! They'd have to be retarded with autism! Any children they had would turn out to be drooling moronfaces!

(DJ does the DJ shuffle. Lucy looks like she's about to cry.)

DJ: Aww, you sad about the bad kitties?

Lucy: Sure...

(Jock comes out of Cindy's office, buckling his belt. He looks exhausted.)

DJ: Damn, what she do to you in there, dog? She brings you into her office all the time and you always come out looking tired!

Jock: She, umm...she really worked me hard in there.

DJ: Did she hurt you? You've got mysterious RED MARKS all over your neck! Is that blood!

(Jock frantically rubs the LIPSTICK MARKS off his neck.)

Jock: She did!

DJ: That's it! We have to quit! She's making your neck bleed and feeding bad kitties to sharks! We can't stand for this!

Lucy: Yeah, maybe you should quit, get far far away from here...

Jock: NO! I mean, uhh, we have to bring her down! We can't let Cat Cleaners be destroyed by her ways!

(Cindy walks out. Studio audience boo. Cindy whips Jock and DJ and Lucy.)

Cindy: GET BACK TO WORK.

DJ: But we've finished installing the shark tank!

Cindy: GET A SHARK THEN. You two, go. Lucy, stay here and CLEAN MY DIRTY FEET.

DJ: Man, she's harsh!

Jock: Can't I do that? With my tongue? I mean...if you want me to...boss...

(She whips Jock's tongue.)

Cindy: OUT!

(Jock and DJ leave.)

Lucy: Mother, you've gone insane! You're having sex with Jock, aren't you?

Cindy: I'm just using him for information. And sex.

Lucy: What about dad!

Cindy: You know your father lost his genitals in the war. NOW GET BACK TO WORK.

Lucy: Mom!

Cindy: Sorry, I'm getting too far into character...

Lucy: Jock probably doesn't even know anything.

Cindy: You told me Nerd Guy was Jock's best friend. If anyone can lead us to him, it's Jock.

Lucy: Then what?

Cindy: Then we KILL Nerd Guy for taking your little sister away from us! She was so beautiful. MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU. But Nerd Guy corrupted her in the pilot episode if you remember. Now we will find them. And make him pay. And Jock and DJ must pay too. And if you're not with me, Lucy...YOU WILL PAY MOST OF ALL! NOW GO HELP THEM FIND THAT SHARK.

Lucy: ...you're serious about that?

Cindy: YES. I HATE CATS. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Lucy runs away as Cindy dangerously cracks her whip in a fit of evil laughter and sexual excitement.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are at Seaworld looking for sharks. Jock is wearing a NOVELTY HAT shaped like a dolphin!)

Jock: Man, I can't believe they don't sell sharks here!

DJ: You'd think they'd want rid of them! Haven't they seen Jaws? Those things are dangerous!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Jock: Hang on, let's try ONE MORE TIME. Hey, Seaworld employee...

(The Seaworld employee turns round revealing that they are played by SPECIAL GUEST STAR Georga Takei. Studio audience applaud wildly.)

George Takei: Yessssss?

Jock: Hey, I want one of your sharks. I'll pay ONE HUNDRED BUCKS.

George Takei: The Hell you will!

Jock: Come on, even just a little one!

George Takei: You're not walking out of here with one of my sharks!

DJ: Excuse me, but they are not the Hell your sharks!

(Studio audience cheer this Star Trek IV reference even though it doesn't really make much sense.)

George Takei: Well, either way, I'll say the same thing to about these sharks as your girlfriend says to you every night. You're not getting any!

(George Takei walks away as the studio audience cheer and chant his name.)

Jock: Nice guy. I wonder if he's got a girlfriend.

(Studio audience laugh because they know he's gay.)

DJ: What are we going to do now?

The Champ: What are YOU two doing here!

(Studio audience cheer as The Champ and UNCLE MAC, who is walking on all fours, come by!)

Jock: Buying a shark! What are YOU doing here!?

The Champ: Uncle Mac wanted to see the fishes!

(Uncle Mac is pawing up against the glass.)

Uncle Mac: Miaow! Miaow!

Jock: Wait, has he turned into a cat?

The Champ: Yep!

Jock: Okay!

DJ: How are we going to get this shark? It's behind glass?

(The Champ PUNCHES the glass and it CRACKS.)

The Champ: I'll have it out in miutes, create a diversion!

Jock: What's a diversion!

(Jock runs over to George Takei.)

Jock: Excuse me, do you know what a diversion is?

George Takei: That black man is punching through the shark glass!

Jock: Hey, don't be racist!

George Takei: I've got to get Chekov!

(Studio audience laugh. Takei runs off but TRIPS over Uncle Mac who is still down on all fours and lands on him! He ends up riding Uncle Mac like a horse!)

Uncle Mac: Miaow! MIAOW!!!!

George Takei: Oh MY!

(Watever starts coming out of the shark tank.)

The Champ: Almost there! God, I've missed punching things!

DJ: We're actually going to do it!

Jock: Yeah, I can't believe it!

(Finally the glass SHATTERS and the shark comes falling out in front of them.)

Jock: Err...how are we going to get him back to Cat Cleaners?

DJ: We should have brought a bigger boat!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock, DJ, The Champ and Uncle Mac return to Cat Cleaners. Cindy looks ANGRY when the come in.)

Cindy: What are you doing back here without a shark!?

Jock: The shark died! Turns out they need water to live!

DJ: George Takei banned us from Seaworld!

Jock: He's horrible!

The Champ: Uncle Mac doesn't think so!

(Studio audience laugh remembering the bumming Takei gave Mac.)

Cindy: What are you two EX employees doing here!?

Jock: Uncle Mac's been transformed into a cat, we need to find a way to turn him back!

(Uncle Mac runs off chasing a mouse.)

The Champ: Come back, Mac, you've already eaten twelve mice today! Thirteen would be unlucky!

(The Champ runs after Uncle Mac)

Cindy: I want those two MORONTARDS out of here!

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: Come on, he needs our help!

(Cindy whips Jock in the crotch. He doubles over in agony. Studio audience start throwing tomatoes at her. She grabs one and eats it.)

Cindy: And where's my daught...my...damn bad employee, Lucy?

DJ: She wasn't with us. And I should warn you I'm wearing a groin protector.

(Cindy whips DJ in the throat.)

DJ: GOD FUCKDAMNING DAMN IT!

(The Champ walks back in.)

The Champ: Why don't you two just quit and come work me and Uncle Mac at Dog Cleaners? She needs you more than you need her anyway, you're the only two people trained to operate the cat cleaning machine. Suckas!

DJ: Excellent, if somewhat out of character, advice, Champ!

Cindy: No, you can't quit!

DJ: Why not! Come on, Jock, let's quit!

Jock: No.

DJ: Huh? You taking this bitch's side?

(Jock suddenly gives DJ and Rock Bottom and The Champ a Stone Cold Stunner then walks over and stands side by side with Cindy. Studio audience boo this new HEEL JOCK.)

Jock: I stand with my mistress.

(The make out. Studio audience throw rocks at them. A producer runs on stage and warns the studio audience that this is dangerous. He is stoned to near death.)

DJ: This shit, I can't believe this shit!

Cindy: AHAHAHAHAHAH, AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Suddenly LUCY walks in to MILD CHEERS.)

Lucy: Stop with the evil laughter! I just went to get someone who wants to speak with you...it's YOUR HUSBAND...AND MY FATHER!

(Studio audience cheer as SCOTT BAKULA walks in playing Lucy's dad.)

DJ: Wait a minute! If you're married to Lucy's dad...that means he must have cheated on her mum with you!

Lucy: No, DJ...CINDY is my mother!

DJ: That's not true! That's impossible!

The Champ: It's not really much a surprise, really.

Jock: Yeah, I suspected it the fourth time I shagged Cindy on the desk.

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

Cindy: Dennis, what are you doing here?

Dennis: I'm here to stop this insanity! You've already spent a million dollars on a cat cleaning shop! Now you're whipping young men and being mean to Lucy! Where will it end!

Cindy: IT WILL END WHEN I GET JUSTICE.

Jock: Want me to kick his ass?

Dennis: And let me guess, you used your hypnotism powers during sex to turn him heel?

Jock: What...I...but...

(Cindy pulls out a gun.)

Cindy: Enough of this. I will have justice for my other, younger, more favourite daughter. Or I start killing people.

Dennis: Oh boy!

(Studio audience explode.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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