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Cat Cleaners: Season 4

DJ: OOOOOH, you mean Lucy's sister who ran away with Jock's nerd friend when she was just sixteen. She was hot!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Cindy: I'm going to shoot you so bad...

Jock: Wait a minute...you used me? But, you are my mistress...

Lucy: That's right Jock! Don't trust her! My mother is a worldclass hypnotist! She must have hypnotised you into sex!

Jock: No, the hypnotism was after the sex.

Cindy: And how!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Dennis: Look, what happened to our other daughter was horrible, but we can't blame these good folks in this nice wholesome cat cleaners!

Cindy: THEY ARE SATAN'S SERVANTS. Our daughter would NEVER run awa with some nerd guy and get hooked on drugs!

Lucy: Wait, Darcy's hooked on drugs?

Cindy: YES. That's what finally pushed me OVER THE EDGE and why I bought this place as part of my revenge scheme. She called us on SKYPE last week. AND SHE WAS PREGNANT. AT SIXTEEN! OR WHATEVER AGE SHE IS NOW. And not only that, I could see a needle in the background!

Lucy: But Darcy's diabetic, it could have been for her insulin!

Cindy: NO! It looked like a slightly different needle!

Lucy: She could have just got a new one...

Cindy: SHUT UP!

(Cindy waves the gun at Lucy. Studio audience boo.)

The Champ: God this family stuff is boring.

(Cindy pistol whips The Champ.)

Cindy: EAT PISTOL.

Dennis: ENOUGH, Cindy! I can stand for a lot of things! Spending a million dollars on a cat cleaners, cheating on me with a functional retard, threatening our daughter with a gun, all that I can accept. But pistol whipping my favourite boxer? I'VE HAD IT!

Cindy: You can't stop me! I own this shop, legally I can do what I want!

Dennis: Actually, you don't own it. I just CANCELLED YOUR CHEQUE!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Cindy: How! You didn't go anywhere!

Dennis: I did it with my phone, using INTERNET BANKING!

(Dennis does a crotch chop.)

Cindy: It doesn't matter! I still have A GUN!

DJ: Uncle Mac, fetch!

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

(Uncle Mac jumps up and pulls the gun out of Cindy's hand.)

Cindy: But that doesn't make sense! He's a cat, not a dog!

DJ: Yeah...the BEST DAMN CAT IN TOWN!

(Studio audienc cheer.)

Cindy: That still doesn't explain it!

Lucy: Welcome to my world, mom.

Cindy: SHUT UP, LUCY..

Dennis: HEY! Lucy might be a huge disappointment, but at least she's not LOOSE like Darcy. You're still a virgin, right Lucy?

Lucy: Uhh...sure...

(Jock and DJ STIFLE LAUGHS.)

Dennis: I'll take Cindy home now. Don't worry, she'll get the help she needs.

Cindy: I just wanted...to be a good mother...

(Studio audience: aww.)

Lucy: You were, mom. You were.

Cindy: SHUT UP, LUCY.

(Dennis frogmarches Lucy out. Studio audience cheer.)

DJ: What now?

Jock: Now...WE DANCE!

(Jock starts dancing but no music is playing and no one else dances. He stops after a minute. Clearly recent events have caused LASTING DAMAGE in CAT CLEANERS!)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Jock: Come on guys, what's wrong?

DJ: What's wrong? You had sex with our evil boss! Even before she hypnotised you! Now I know she was hot, but you could have at least put up a fight!

Jock: Come on, you've slept with evil girls too! Remember that girl who burned stuff?

DJ: She was disturbed! And yeah, I've slept with some crazy chicks...but never in a way that breaks the Bro Code. You don't break the Bro Code, man. YOU DON'T.

(Studio audience boo Jock for breaking the Bro Code.)

Lucy: Yeah, Jock, you went too far.

DJ: And what about you! You knew Cindy was your mother, you could have stopped her from whipping us, but you did nothing!

Lucy: It's complicated!

DJ: Maybe, but I don't like being whipped. For personal reasons.

Lucy: Oh, I guess it reminds you of slavery...

DJ: What! No, it just hurts!

Jock: Don't be racist, Lucy.

DJ: Shut up, Jock!

The Champ: Now now, kids, don't fight!

DJ: And you! You used to be a real man! Now you're just...nothing! You haven't even punched anyone for weeks!

The Champ: You're right. What's happened to me!

(The Champ punches himself in the stomach.)

The Champ: That didn't even do anything for me! I...I need to go find myself.

(The Champ wanders off to find himself.)

Lucy: I need to go cry.

DJ: I need to go post on the internet about how much I HATE my two ex best friends!

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

(DJ and Lucy walk away. Jock strokes Uncle Mac.)

Jock: It's just you and me now, Uncle Cat. Hey, maybe if I cure you of having turned into a cat it'll impress DJ and Lucy and they'll be my friends again.

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

Jock: That's it! I'll do it! Come on!

(They walk away. A MAN AND YOUNG PREGNANT WOMAN enter Cat Cleaners.)

Nerd Guy: Hello? Jock? I'm back! It's me, NERD GUY.

Darcy: Lucy? It's me, your pregnant sister Darcy!

(Studio audience finally figure out who they are and go "OOOOOOH!")

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock is on the phone to someone.)

Jock: Yeah, my uncle thinks he's a cat. He's eating a mouse right now. It's sickening. Yeah. Yeah. You will? That's great! See you then!

(He puts the phone down.)

Jock: Good news, Uncle Mac, a WITCH DOCTOR is going to come and cast a spell on your to stop you being a cat!

(Uncle Mac SCRATCHES Jock and growls.)

Jock: Oww! I need to go get some gin now!

(Jock goes to get gin to feel better...and finds his OLD FRIEND Nerd Guy standing there. Studio audience GASP.)

Jock: N...N...Nigel!?

Nigel(his real name finally revealed!): That's right! I'm back!

Darcy: Hi Jock. Long time no see.

Jock: Oh my god, you're pregnant and still hot!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Nigel: Wow, Cat Cleaners looks great. I can't believe it's still going.

Jock: We've had some rought spots. Some dead sharks along the way. But it's kept going thanks to me and my REAL best friend DJ.

(DJ walks out.)

DJ: You!

Nigel: Him? Back when I worked here, you were scared of him!

DJ: Oh, I see, because I'm BLACK.

Nigel: He thought you were too cool to ever be friends with him.

(Studio audience: aww.)

DJ: For realsies?

Jock: Yeah...

DJ: You were right! But...I can't stay mad at you!

(DJ hugs Jock as the studio audience cheer and throw roses onto the stage.)

Nigel: How...touching. But I started this business with you, Jock. I demand HALF THE PROFITS.

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: What's happened to you, man? You used to be cool. Then you ran off with a girl ten years younger than you. Then at some point after that, you stopped being cool!

Nigel: Hey, supporting a pregnant teenager is tough!

Darcy: I have such weird cravings. Like for hamburgers with TOAST instead of buns!

Jock: That's crazy!

(LUCY walks in.)

Lucy: Darcy? DARCY!?

Darcy: That's right, sis. It's me. Darcy. Your sister.

Lucy: YOU BITCH!

Darcy: Hey, I'm pregnant!

Lucy: With your SHAME CHILD!

(Studio audience: ooooh!)

Lucy: I never want to speak to you again!

(She storms out.)

Jock: Oh no, Uncle Mac's shitting on the floor!

(He runs out.)

DJ: Oh no, I better go to!

(He runs out. Darcy and Nigel walk over TO THE SAFE.)

Nigel: Now to get this open and TAKE THIS DUMP FOR ALL IT'S WORTH.

Darcy: We'll hide the money in my FAKE PREGNANCY BUMP!

(They make out as the studio audience boo.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
(Jock and DJ are trying to calm down Uncle Mac as he scratches the wallpaper.)

Jock: Calm down, Uncle Mac!

DJ: Something must have spooked him good! Hey, could it be Nigel and Darcy?

Jock: Nah, Nigel's a good guy and Darcy's hot.

DJ: He wants half our money!

Jock: He's just confused because of the pregnancy...the hormones and all that.

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: Well, if we don't sort Uncle Mac out soon I think we'll have to send him to the pound!

Voice: PERHAPS I CAN HELP.

(Jock and DJ SPIN ROUND to see A WITCH DOCTOR played by special guest star SQUINTY GUY FROM THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN. Studio audience applaud wildly.)

Witch Doctor: I can heal ANY disease of the mind!

Jock: You got to do something then! He think he's a cat.

WD: Ah yes, I have seen this before...in cats.

DJ: Cats who think they're people?

WD: NO! Cats who think they're cats!

(Studio audience laugh.)

DJ: What does that even mean...

WD: SHUT UP. I'm the expect here. That's why I charge FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS an hour! I need to begin THE CEREMONY now.

Jock: How long will it take?

WD: TEN HOURS!

(Studio audience explode.)

DJ: Get out!

WD: Worth a shot!

(DJ kicks Witch Doctor through a wall.)

Jock: ...was that really necessary?

DJ: I'm learning karate!

Jock: ...he isn't moving...

DJ: I'm learning it GOOD!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Let's go and see what Nigel and Darcy are up to. Stay here, Uncle Mac.

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

(Jock and DJ go out front to where Nigel and Darcy are trying to open the safe.)

Nigel: DAMN IT...oh...hey Jock.

Jock: Oh, hey! Hanging out by the safe, eh? Just like old times!

Nigel: Yeah...

Darcy: Look, Nigel wants to apologise for demanding half the profits...a third would be fine.

Jock: Well, our money situation is kind of strange what with your mother buying the shop for a million dollars then your father bouncing the cheque...I don't know if we can even afford electricity now...

Darcy: Mom was here?!

Lucy: THAT'S RIGHT.

(Lucy walks back out.)

Darcy: Thought you weren't going to talk to me again?

Lucy: I want you to know what you did to mom! She went crazy! SEX CRAZY!

Jock: Don't I know it!

(Studio audience woooooo!)

Darcy: That's not my fault...our family is very sexual...except you, virgin.

Lucy: I am not!

Darcy: VIRGIN VIRGIN, NEVER BEEN TOUCHED, VIRGIN VIRGIN, IRON SHEIK WOULDN'T PUT YOU IN A CAMEL CLUTCH!

Lucy: Grrrrrr!

(Lucy LIGHTLY SHOVES Darcy. Darcy DIVES on the ground.)

Dracy: My...my baby...I THINK IT'S DEAD!

Lucy: What have I done!

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

Jock: Get out of here!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Lucy: Oh God...oh God...

DJ: We need to get you to a hospital!

Darcy and Nigel: NO.

Jock: But the baby!

Nigel: We don't believe in western medicine, okay!

Darcy: Anyway...yep. All dead now.

(Darcy stands up and brushes herself off.)

DJ: Well, this is awkward.

(Studio audience laugh and hoot.)

Lucy: Darcy, I'm so sorry...

(Darcy slaps Lucy.)

Darcy: Tell it to the courts.

Nigel: We deamnd COMPENSATION for the death of our baby!

Jock: How much do you think?

Nigel: Oh, how about EVERYTHING IN THE SAFE.

(Studio audience boo.)

Jock: I keep telling you, we're losing money hand over fist here...and I don't even know what that means!

(Studio audience laugh.)

Nigel: OPEN IT.

Jock: You open it. Don't you remember the combination?

Nigel: NO.

Jock: It's the date of the day we first met.

(Studio audience: Awww!)

Nigel: I don't remember when that was. I don't remember anything about that old life. It means NOTHING to me. You're nothing but a manchild, Jock. You know nothing of the real world. I grew up. I went out and got a sixteen year old girl pregnant. NOW GIVE ME MY MONEY.

(Jock's head hangs in shame as he opens the safe. Nigel pushes him aside.)

Nigel: AT LAST...hang on, there's nothing in here but a pack of condoms!

DJ: I was wondering where I put those!

(Studio audience explode.)

Jock: I told you, we don't have no money!

Darcy: Then you need to all get REAL JOBS to support me, Nigel, and our dead baby!

Lucy: Darcy, can't we just talk about this?

Darcy: Why talk when you can FORCE ABORTIONS ON PEOPLE, huh, Lucy? I always knew you were a STINKING LIBERAL but this is taking it too far!

The Champ: Bitch, please.

(Everyone SPINS ROUND to see THE CHAMP standing in the doorway. Studio audience cheer.)

Darcy: How...how dare you! I just lost my baby!

The Champ: You were never pregnant, HO!

(Studio audience cheer because they secretly love it when women are called names.)

Jock: But how! Are you a detective now?

The Champ: No, but you know how many women have claimed to be pregnant with my child? FOURTEEN. And nine of them were lying! I can always tell when a woman is lying about her pregnancy and this girl is a liar!

Nigel: Very good, The Champ...but now it's time to END THIS.

(Nigel pulls a GUN OUT.)

The Champ: Why you white people always trying to shoot each other?

(Studio audience cheer.)

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Jock: He's right, you know. Far too many situations in here resolve themselves with someone pulling a gun out.

Nigel: Shut up! I'll kill you!

The Champ: I wouldn't mind if you did! Just don't pistol whip me again, that shit hurts.

DJ: Is that even a real gun?

(Nigel checks it.)

Nigel: What the heck...

Jock: Don't you remember, Nigel? That's not a gun. It's a phaser. From STAR TREK.

(Studio audience cheer. It IS a phaser from STAR TREK!)

Nigel: But...but...

Jock: Is it coming back to you, Nigel? We used to love that crazy show. We watched every episode. We love Doctor Spock and Captain Kod.

Nigel: I...I...

(Nigel starts crying.)

Nigel: What have I become!

Darcy: I don't believe this!

Jock: It was obviously HER that did this to you! You were a simple harmless nerd before she seduced you with her EVIL VAGINA!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Nigel: Maybe you're right...I really loved Captain Kod!

DJ: Damn, pussy ruins everything!

Lucy: HEY, stop being so sexist!

(Studio audience boo.)

Darcy: Thanks for sticking up for me, sis.

Lucy: Go to Hell.

Jock: Why do you two need money so much anyway?

(MEXICANS WITH GUNS run in.)

Mexican: I am a Mexican drug lord AND I WANT THE MONEY NIGEL AND DARCY OWE ME!

Jock: Here we go again!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
DJ: Drugs! Damn, dog!

Nigel: Hey, life is constant pain without drugs.

(The Champ lights a crack pipe.)

The Champ: Don't I know it!

(Studio audience cheer this self destructive behaviour.)

Jock: We're not giving any money to DRUG MEXICANS!

Mexican: Then I will have to KEEL you!

(The Champ suddenly blows into his crack pipe and a HUGE FIREBALL burns the Mexican alive!)

The Champ: Or not!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: I didn't know crack pipes could do that!

The Champ: This is a special one I had made to survive life on THE STREETS.

Dracy: Watching that Mexican burn to death has made me realise how precious life is. I love you, Lucy.

Lucy: I love you too!

(The hug. Studio audience shrug.)

DJ: Make out!

(Studio audience cheer.)

Jock: Looks like all the loose ends are finally tighed up now...

(UNCLE MAC walks in holding a DEAD MOUSE in his mouth!)

Uncle Mac: Miaow!

Jock: You BAD KITTY!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
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