headvoid
Can I have Ops?
Recently, as you know, Cats discovered technology that can make their hair transmit and receive data with open and free access to the internet. Cat Wifi became the most potent tool used by the felines to win over many in the ongoing popularity contest between Cats and Dogs.
It was all going so well, Cat popularity jumped overnight with many welcoming them into their home at a moments notice. Heavy internet users began converting whole rooms dedicated to keeping Cats in luxurious accomodation. In fact, it became easy to spot heavy gamers by their Cat piss smell.
Cats began to be popular with businessmen. Long gone were the days of a Man in a suit and cat being called Blofeld. All the executives had "Mycat" pouches with them while travelling. The Office Cattery was born and every IT department soon had a Cat handler in the team. The Cats became a little smug, complacent even. "We've won the battle, get back in your kennel." became their slogan.
Some say, this is where it started to go wrong.
Major hubs such as airports needed large volumes of Cats to keep up with demand and the Battery Cat Farms were born. Out of sight, in the roof spaces of these hubs, they provided a BLOODY GOOD SIGNAL, so people didn't really bother too much about the conditions of our erstwhile friends. ("They were probably strays anyway" was a column by Richard Littlejohn at the time, and everyone sort of agreed)
Tesco provided a budget CATTRAP to catch and mount your cat in the loft. They simply said that they were responding to consumer demand and that why shouldn't scroty out of work families have Cat Wifi?
Soon, heavy gamers and hackers realised that it was the Cat HAIR itself that was the trick. In a cruel twist to William Gibsons future shock ideas around network enabled clothing, it actually turned out to be Cat hair coats that were the new fashion item for those that needed to be "Catconnected" at all times. There was soon a burgeoning market for those that could skin a cat. Kitten Hoodies had a particularly good signal.
Some balance was restored by the fact that pictures of Cats were needed on the internet in large quantities, so the cull was halted before it came to extinction point. Whatever the outcome now, the Cats will struggle to recover from this. Noone likes a smug bastard Cat do they?
The Dogs, well, they just sat there, lapping it up.
It was all going so well, Cat popularity jumped overnight with many welcoming them into their home at a moments notice. Heavy internet users began converting whole rooms dedicated to keeping Cats in luxurious accomodation. In fact, it became easy to spot heavy gamers by their Cat piss smell.
Cats began to be popular with businessmen. Long gone were the days of a Man in a suit and cat being called Blofeld. All the executives had "Mycat" pouches with them while travelling. The Office Cattery was born and every IT department soon had a Cat handler in the team. The Cats became a little smug, complacent even. "We've won the battle, get back in your kennel." became their slogan.
Some say, this is where it started to go wrong.
Major hubs such as airports needed large volumes of Cats to keep up with demand and the Battery Cat Farms were born. Out of sight, in the roof spaces of these hubs, they provided a BLOODY GOOD SIGNAL, so people didn't really bother too much about the conditions of our erstwhile friends. ("They were probably strays anyway" was a column by Richard Littlejohn at the time, and everyone sort of agreed)
Tesco provided a budget CATTRAP to catch and mount your cat in the loft. They simply said that they were responding to consumer demand and that why shouldn't scroty out of work families have Cat Wifi?
Soon, heavy gamers and hackers realised that it was the Cat HAIR itself that was the trick. In a cruel twist to William Gibsons future shock ideas around network enabled clothing, it actually turned out to be Cat hair coats that were the new fashion item for those that needed to be "Catconnected" at all times. There was soon a burgeoning market for those that could skin a cat. Kitten Hoodies had a particularly good signal.
Some balance was restored by the fact that pictures of Cats were needed on the internet in large quantities, so the cull was halted before it came to extinction point. Whatever the outcome now, the Cats will struggle to recover from this. Noone likes a smug bastard Cat do they?
The Dogs, well, they just sat there, lapping it up.
