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Conservative MP: Boris Johnson The Legend, the Loon..

Mentalist

Mentalist

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My Bicycle riding favourite, editor of the Spectator and the genius from Islington!

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BORIS JOHNSON QUOTES
  • What's my view on drugs? I've forgotten my view on drugs?
During the campaign trial of the 2005 general election
  • Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix, and stay conscious.
On why he quit after a week as a management consultant.
  • Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power.
On why his work is always late in.
  • This is flipping unbelievable!
On the outcome of the Hutton Report.
  • This is a snow job of Himalayan proportions!
On the Hutton Report's 'whitewash'.
  • The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition.
  • Drifting rudderless in the wide Sargasso Sea of New Labour's ideological vacuum
On Tony Blair.
  • The dreadful truth is that when people come to see their MP they have run out of better ideas.
  • If Amsterdam or Leningrad vie for the title of Venice of the North, then Venice - what compliment is high enough? Venice, with all her civilisation and ancient beauty, Venice with her addiction to curious aquatic means of transport, yes, my friends, Venice is the Henley of the South.
  • My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or my being reincarnated as an olive.
  • I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as of being decapitated by a frisbee or of finding Elvis.
  • The Tory Party - the funkiest, most jiving Party on Earth!
  • I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel 5. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap dancing, and other related and vital subjects.
  • Look the point is ... er, what is the point? It is a tough job but somebody has got to do it.
On being appointed Shadow Arts Minister.
  • An inverted pyramid of piffle!
Riposte to accusations of his having an affair
  • I'm making absolutely no comment, and no I did not.
When asked if he intentionally misled Michael Howard, leader of the Conservative Party.
  • Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.
On being sacked from the Tory front bench in his Telegraph column December 2, 2004 [1]
  • My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters.
On being sacked from the Tory front bench in his Telegraph column December 2, 2004 [2]
  • I could not fail to disagree with you less.
2004 winner of the Foot in Mouth Award from the Plain English Campaign, for his comment on the 12 December 2003 edition of Have I Got News For You [3]
  • How do you know we can't deliver coconuts?
Replying to Ian Hislop's taunts regarding the Tories' apparent inability to deliver their promises.
  • I don’t find faith very easy. It comes and goes. It’s like Magic FM in the Chilterns.
  • I am very sorry that Alastair Campbell has taken this decision but I can see that he got his tits in the wringer.
On Campbell's negative reply to the Spectator's report that the Government had influence the Queen Mother's funeral arrangements.
  • To rely on a train in Blair’s Britain is to engage in a crapshoot with the devil.
  • Tremendous, little short of superb. On cracking form.
After being sacked of his role in the Tory shadow cabinet.
  • Ken [Livingstone] doesn't think he's got anything to say sorry for and if that's really his feeling, then I think that he should stick to his guns.
  • But here's old Ken - he's been crass, he's been insensitive and thuggish and brutal in his language - but I don't think actually if you read what he said, although it was extraordinary and rude, I don't think he was actually anti-Semitic.
  • I love tennis with a passion. I challenged Boris Becker to a match once and he said he was up for it but he never called back. I bet I could make him run around.
  • I think they get a fair squeeze of the sauce bottle.
When questioned by Michael Crick on his dedication to his political career and the Conservative Party, 2005.
  • Do I have to do this?
When told he was taking part in a special Mastermind round with questions on his leader, Iain Duncan Smith, during an episode of Have I Got News For You
  • It was a stellar performance. I may as well give up now and make way for an older man.
Boris on his father Stanley's appearance on Have I Got News For You.
  • I'm having Sunday lunch with my family. I'm vigorously campaigning, inculcating my children in the benefits of a Tory government.
When asked by The Guardian whether he was canvassing at Sunday lunchtime, 2005
  • I advise you all very strongly - go for a run, get some exercise, and have a beautiful day.
After a morning run.
  • What we hate, what we fear, is being ignored.
On the fears of MPs.
  • Will I throw my hat into the ring? It depends on what kind of ring it is and what kind of hat I have in my hand.
When asked by the Oxford Mail if he will stand for leader.
  • The President is a cross-eyed Texan warmonger, unelected, inarticulate, who epitomises the arrogance of American foreign policy.
On George Bush
  • Life isn’t like coursework, baby. It’s one damn essay crisis after another.
  • There is absolutely no one, apart from yourself, who can prevent you, in the middle of the night, from sneaking down to tidy up the edges of that hunk of cheese at the back of the fridge
On the dangers of obesity.
  • I’m very attracted to it. I may be diverting from Tory party policy here, but I don’t care.
When asked about the 24 hour drinking legislation.
  • I'm kicking off my diet with cheeseburger — whatever Jamie Oliver says McDonalds are incredibly nutritious and, as far as I can tell, crammed full of vital nutrients and rigid with goodness.
While campaigning at McDonalds in Botley, Oxford, May 2005
  • Howard is a dynamic performer on many levels. There you are. He sent me to Liverpool. Marvellous place. Howard was the most effective Home Secretary since Peel. Hang on, was Peel Home Secretary?
On Michael Howard, 2005.
  • Old Man Howard, that Old Man Howard, he just keeps rolling, just keeps rolling.
When asked by The Oxford Student whether he sees anyone amongst his younger colleagues who would one day replace Howard
  • I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.
On cocaine
  • I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.
On The 2005 Conservative Leadership Contest
  • Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3
  • Ian [Hislop] keeps telling me to sack him. It puts me in an impossible position.
On Taki, a contentious columnist in the Spectator
  • I’d want to get Blair and really interrogate the guy. I’d really want to pin him up against a palm tree and slap him around and get the truth out of him about a few things we need a bit of elucidation.
 
Boris would make a getaway on his bike and Ian Hislop and Paul Merton would posion Smaug with cookies.
 
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