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Derangement - part 2b: The 9/11 Script

Wolfowitz: Oh, well, okay. But still -- why not just skip the whole thing?

Cheney: Are you suggesting that instead of executing hundreds of sinister, secretive, murderous sub-plans that all must go off flawlessly to together create a single underpublicized deception, that instead of that we just blow it off and go with the much larger and more spectacular World Trade Center event?

Wolfowitz: Right. Either that or find patsies who can fly.

Cheney: Hmm. Interesting. What do you guys think?

Feith: I don't know, Dick. It seems much easier just to go with the whole fake-the-flight, kill-the-passengers, fake-the-cell-phone-calls, pass-off-the-missile-attack-as-a-plane-crash thing. I can't think of any simpler way to do this plan than that.

Kristol: Yeah, Dick, frankly, neither can I. I like your plan better. It's so much more ... cloak n' daggerier!

Cheney: Well, it's settled, then. Paul, you cool?

Wolfowitz: Hey, I trust you guys, you know that.
 
(the phone rings again)

Feith: I'll get it. (grabs phone) Hello? Oh, hey, Ted, what's up! (whispering, to everyone else) It's Ted Olson. (into phone) I'll put you on speaker, okay, Ted?

Olson: 'Sup, fellas!

Cheney: 'Sup, counselor! How goes it? Talked to George much lately?

Olson: As Governor Bush's attorney, you know I can't discuss that -- even with you assholes.

(everyone laughs)

Cheney: Fair enough, What can we do you for, counselor?

Olson: Well, I don't mean to be a pest...

Cheney: Speak up, speak up.

Olson: Well, a little birdie told me that you guys were planning on faking an airplane hijacking and shooting a drone into the Pentagon, blaming it all on Islamic terrorists!

Cheney: Sure are a lot of little birdies around these days!
 
Olson: I was just wondering if you could stick my wife on the plane you're thinking of hijacking.

Cheney: Barbara?

Olson: Right, Babs.

Cheney: That's no problem. Consider it done. But you've got to get her on the plane.

Olson: Shit, that won't be hard. I'll tell her I dropped a dollar in the other airport. She'll catch the first fucking flight.

Cheney: That's great. Hey, maybe, actually you could help us. After we take Babs to a military base and dispose of her fat body, can you tell the press that she called you, weeping, on her cell phone during the hijacking? It'll add verisimilitude to the whole thing.

Olson: You mean like, "Oh, my poor wife, she called me in those last dire minutes before those terrorist bastards took her life, blah blah blah," that sort of thing?

Cheney: Exactly.

Olson: Hey, I'm a lawyer, I lie for a living. Consider it done. Of course, the pain of losing Babs would be easier if...

Cheney: You want to be Solicitor General, right?

Olson: Well, if you haven't picked one out yet.

Cheney: Ted, you can count on us.

Olson: Thanks, man. Tell your other evil plotter buddies there that I love them.

All: We love you, too, Ted.

Olson: Later!

(Olson hangs up)
 
Feith: Well, that worked out well.

Kristol: That only leaves the last plane, I guess.

Cheney: Right. This one -- this one I think is going to be tricky.

Feith: How so?

Cheney: Okay, bear with me on this, okay? The plane takes off. Passengers, patsies, the whole deal. The hijackers take over the plane and start steering it toward the White House. But fuck them, okay? We step in, our jets scrambled, and we blow those fuckers out of the sky.

Feith: Boom!

Cheney: Of course, we can't exactly admit that we killed American passengers, even for a good reason like this would be. So we'll dream up a story about passengers overpowering the hijackers and downing the plane themselves. "Let's roll," a wife will hear her husband say on his cell phone, as he and his brave party of vigilantes storms the cockpit...

Wolfowitz: Oh, I see, right. Because they learned from their families, by talking with them on their cell phones, the terrible fate of the World Trade Center. So they give their lives to save the White House...

Feith: Wow. I'm going to cry, that's so beautiful.
 
Cheney: In reality, though, it'll be us downing the plane with an F-16 or something. The pilots will never talk, never. Nor will the air traffic controllers...

Kristol: Oh, I like that. It's patriotic. So why do we shoot the plane down, though?

Cheney: Well, because otherwise the hijackers will crash into the White House. But we can't admit that to the public, they'll be horrified.

Kristol: But they're not real hijackers, are they? Aren't they patsies?

Cheney: Oh, right. Shit! Man, I'm getting confused. We should probably break for lunch soon.

Wolfowitz: No, Dick, I've got that one. You see, here's the thing. Maybe the passengers really will overpower the hijackers. If that happens, it goes without saying that we have to shoot the plane down. We can't let them land, because then the hijackers will talk, and our whole evil plan will be exposed.

Cheney: Right, right, that's exactly what might happen. So it goes without saying that we have to be prepared to fake a crash site to make it look like a crash, even though it'll really be us shooting the plane down.

Kristol: But how can we prepare a phony crash site in advance if we don't even know for sure right now that the passengers will overpower the hijacker-patsies? Or where or when that will happen? That shouldn't even be entering our minds at this point.

Cheney: Well, um... fuck. Right again. Paul?

Wolfowitz: I don't know, man, I'm getting tired at this point. But I'm down with the general idea of shooting that plane down.

Cheney: If we have to.

Wolfowitz: Right, if we have to.
 
Kristol: But, wait -- also, don't we want the plane to crash into the White House?

Cheney: What, are you crazy? And kill innocent Americans?

Wolfowitz: Irv, come on, now.

Kristol: Guys, we've just decided to blow up the World Trade Center. Like five minutes ago.

Cheney: Well, but the White House.

Wolfowitz: Irv, the White House. You're talking about the White House.

Kristol: Okay, whatever. You know I'm all for it, whatever we do.
 
Cheney: Look, the point is, we do the Towers and pin it on bin Laden. That leads us to invade Afghanistan. A year and a half later, we invade Iraq.

Feith: And we blame the whole WTC thing on Saddam.

Cheney: Right, and... wait, what? No! No, actually we never make that connection, because none exists. I figure we can just say he's in violation of his UN restrictions, and that will be a good enough reason to invade. He is anyway, right? In violation, I mean?

Wolfowitz: I think you're right, he is!


***
 
Of course one could go on and on in this direction. To read 9/11 Truther lore is to enter a world where criminals commit dastardly acts without motive, where even brilliant Machiavellian politicians like Dick Cheney repeatedly take the path of most perilous resistance to achieve their nefarious ends, where simplicity of criminal plan is eschewed as a matter of principle, where everyone who is not actively involved with exposing the conspiracy can be considered a solid suspect for mass murder.
 
I'm glad you didn't include Bush in that.

The fucking idiot couldn't orchestrate lunch for a 5 year old.
 
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