Troll Kingdom
This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!
Dr Dave in "The Case Of The Deadly Kittens"
- Thread starter CaptainWacky
- Start date
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"We're wasting time with this GUTTER SNIPE," said Dr Dave, aggressively shoving FBI away.
"Oh ARE YOU," said FBI, hurt. "I might be hiding behind bins now, but one day I'll be running all the world's media! And when you control the media, you control the flow of information!"
"But for now, bins," said Dr Dave, coldly.
"Well, yes," he said. "But I do know SOME stuff..."
"Ha!" I said, swaggering towards the kid. "You know nothing!"
"I know the Chinaman isn't really back! I know that infamous hacker Cassie created the illusion of his return so you could get away with murder!"
Dr Dave and I looked at each other. Dr Dave grabbed FBI roughly by the arm and dragged him into a dark alley. I loosened my belt. The kid was about to get the whooping he deserved.
"If you know this, why are you trying to prove Wackson and I are homosexuals instead of breaking this much bigger story?" Dr Dave asked.
"Because as I said, knowledge is power!" said FBI.
"You didn't say that," I rightly pointed out.
"Well, okay, but I said something about power and information...or something. The important thing is, this information is so huge I can use it to blackmail you if I ever need your help. And in my line of work, I could use the help of the world's greatest detective to get me out of a jam or two!"
"If you know all this...then why aren't you scared that I'll simply murder you in this alley?" asked Dr Dave. I was taken aback. The threat sounded genuine. But FBI merely laughed.
"Because I know you're no killer! Those nuns are alive and well and living under your house! I've been listening in on everything with TEHCNOLOGY I planted in your home when dear old MissManners let me in to use your bathroom. And I've been monitoring your wifi with OTHER TECHNOLOGY!"
"The nuns are in a soundproof room, you couldn't have been listening in on them!" I said, before realising too late I'd just given the game away.
"No, but I listened in on Cassie ordering seventeen pizzas with NUN FRIENDLY toppings!" said FBI, with some glee. "And I know about the Chinaman being fake because I've been monitoring the transmissions for the CHINAMAN HOLOGRAM Cassie has been transmitting to London Zoo!"
Surprisingly, Dr Dave smiled. "You are a resourceful young scamp, aren't you?" he said. "You may think to make use of me...but perhaps it is I who will make use of YOU one day!"
"You have nothing on me," scoffed FBI. "I think of everything."
"Then how come you didn't notice that when I grabbed your arm roughly, I stole your special mobile telephone?" asked Dr Dave. Then he waved the phone at FBI.
"Drat!" said FBI.
"Good show, Dr Dave!" said I.
"An app for listening in on phonecalls, an app for tracking wifi transmissions...you're helpless without this phone!" said Dr Dave. FBI shook his fist.
"I've got another one at home!" he said. "I'll be back! And in greater numbers! GRRR!" He ran off.
"How does that thing work anyway?" I asked.
"Well, let me just open the listening in app..." said Dr Dave. He pressed it and held the phone up. We heard Cassie's voice.
"No!" she said. "Let me go! I'll never tell you where those nuns are! Stop waving that gun! I know karate, you know! Oh no! A second villlain has grabbed me now! Where are you taking me, aaaaaaaah!"
Dr Dave and I looked at each other.
"That Cassie!" I said.
"TO THE APARTMENT, POST HASTE!" said Dr Dave and we ran up the stairs.
TO BE CONTINUED
"Oh ARE YOU," said FBI, hurt. "I might be hiding behind bins now, but one day I'll be running all the world's media! And when you control the media, you control the flow of information!"
"But for now, bins," said Dr Dave, coldly.
"Well, yes," he said. "But I do know SOME stuff..."
"Ha!" I said, swaggering towards the kid. "You know nothing!"
"I know the Chinaman isn't really back! I know that infamous hacker Cassie created the illusion of his return so you could get away with murder!"
Dr Dave and I looked at each other. Dr Dave grabbed FBI roughly by the arm and dragged him into a dark alley. I loosened my belt. The kid was about to get the whooping he deserved.
"If you know this, why are you trying to prove Wackson and I are homosexuals instead of breaking this much bigger story?" Dr Dave asked.
"Because as I said, knowledge is power!" said FBI.
"You didn't say that," I rightly pointed out.
"Well, okay, but I said something about power and information...or something. The important thing is, this information is so huge I can use it to blackmail you if I ever need your help. And in my line of work, I could use the help of the world's greatest detective to get me out of a jam or two!"
"If you know all this...then why aren't you scared that I'll simply murder you in this alley?" asked Dr Dave. I was taken aback. The threat sounded genuine. But FBI merely laughed.
"Because I know you're no killer! Those nuns are alive and well and living under your house! I've been listening in on everything with TEHCNOLOGY I planted in your home when dear old MissManners let me in to use your bathroom. And I've been monitoring your wifi with OTHER TECHNOLOGY!"
"The nuns are in a soundproof room, you couldn't have been listening in on them!" I said, before realising too late I'd just given the game away.
"No, but I listened in on Cassie ordering seventeen pizzas with NUN FRIENDLY toppings!" said FBI, with some glee. "And I know about the Chinaman being fake because I've been monitoring the transmissions for the CHINAMAN HOLOGRAM Cassie has been transmitting to London Zoo!"
Surprisingly, Dr Dave smiled. "You are a resourceful young scamp, aren't you?" he said. "You may think to make use of me...but perhaps it is I who will make use of YOU one day!"
"You have nothing on me," scoffed FBI. "I think of everything."
"Then how come you didn't notice that when I grabbed your arm roughly, I stole your special mobile telephone?" asked Dr Dave. Then he waved the phone at FBI.
"Drat!" said FBI.
"Good show, Dr Dave!" said I.
"An app for listening in on phonecalls, an app for tracking wifi transmissions...you're helpless without this phone!" said Dr Dave. FBI shook his fist.
"I've got another one at home!" he said. "I'll be back! And in greater numbers! GRRR!" He ran off.
"How does that thing work anyway?" I asked.
"Well, let me just open the listening in app..." said Dr Dave. He pressed it and held the phone up. We heard Cassie's voice.
"No!" she said. "Let me go! I'll never tell you where those nuns are! Stop waving that gun! I know karate, you know! Oh no! A second villlain has grabbed me now! Where are you taking me, aaaaaaaah!"
Dr Dave and I looked at each other.
"That Cassie!" I said.
"TO THE APARTMENT, POST HASTE!" said Dr Dave and we ran up the stairs.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I know how to write naturalistic dialogue!
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
Dr Dave and I ran into his apartment. There was a strange odour in the air.
"What is that..." I said, trying to place it.
"Prawns!" said Dr Dave. He had a singular sense of smell.
"The Prawn King!" said I. "He's the villain responsible for this!"
"One of them, anyway," said Dr Dave. "Be careful, Wackson." I nodded. The Prawn King was a vile chap who controll the London prawn scene through ruthless business practices and violence. He'd been trained in the deadly arts by Japanese Prawn Ninjas and could easily kill me. I knew I'd have to rely on Dr Dave's superior fighting skills and gimmick umbrellas for protection.
We made our way through the apartment until we found the Prawn King in the kitchen. He was smiling, eating some of Dr Dave's prawns from the fridge.
"You still refuse to buy my prawns," he said, with an evil grin. "This stuff isn't fit for pigs! And pigs LOVE prawns normally!"
"One day I'll put you in jail," said Dr Dave. "Perhaps this day. You've made a mistake, coming into my home. Where is Cassie?"
"The wench? My associate is speeding off with her as we speak. Leaving me...TO DEAL WITH YOU!" He suddenly threw the prawns in Dr Dave's eyes, termporarily blinding him, and hit me with a flying kick. On landing he instantly span round and to sweep Dr Dave's legs out from under him, but even blinded Dr Dave jump over te leg sweep.
"I know your moves, Prawn King," he taunted, wiping the prawns from his eyes.
"Do you know...THIS ONE!" said the Prawn King, diving towards Dr Dave's nipples in an attempt to cripple them. But Dr Dave caught both his hands in his own.
"Yes," said Dr Dave.
"How about...THIS!" said The Prawn King, kicking Dr Dave in the chest, knocking him flying backwards.
"No!" I said, jumping up, but the Prawn King put me right back down with a backfist.
"Now to...FINISH YOU!" said the Prawn King, bearing down on Dr Dave.
"You forget...this is my HOME ENVIRONMENT!" said Dr Dave, pulling a hidden gimmick umbrella out from under the fridge. He opened it and there was a loud bang. The Prawn King was knocked back onto his behind, unconscious.
"You did it!" I said. "Now to call Inspector Tomtrek to arrested this heel and then we can speed off to save Cassie."
"By all means, call Tomtrek," said Dr Dave. "But we can't go after Cassie if we don't know where she has been taken."
I called Tomtrek. Oddly, the phone rang a full eight times before he answered. He said he'd be over as soon as he could to arrested the Prawn King. We left him tied up in the kitched and went down to the hidden basement to check on the nuns. They were alarmed to hear that Cassie had been taken.
"We have to come with you to save her!" said a spokesnun, after some discussion between the seventeen.
"It's far too dangerous out there," said Dr Dave. "This villain is looking for you, if you left the basement it would be playing into his evil hands!"
"Cassie's our friend!" said the spokesnun. "She bought us nun friendly pizza with hot dog stuff crust! We have to help! Besides, if you go off there will be no one here to guard us without Cassie."
"I don't like it...but perhaps the safest place for you is with me and Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Very well, you can come with us...but we have to change your clothing!"
TO BE CONTINUED
"What is that..." I said, trying to place it.
"Prawns!" said Dr Dave. He had a singular sense of smell.
"The Prawn King!" said I. "He's the villain responsible for this!"
"One of them, anyway," said Dr Dave. "Be careful, Wackson." I nodded. The Prawn King was a vile chap who controll the London prawn scene through ruthless business practices and violence. He'd been trained in the deadly arts by Japanese Prawn Ninjas and could easily kill me. I knew I'd have to rely on Dr Dave's superior fighting skills and gimmick umbrellas for protection.
We made our way through the apartment until we found the Prawn King in the kitchen. He was smiling, eating some of Dr Dave's prawns from the fridge.
"You still refuse to buy my prawns," he said, with an evil grin. "This stuff isn't fit for pigs! And pigs LOVE prawns normally!"
"One day I'll put you in jail," said Dr Dave. "Perhaps this day. You've made a mistake, coming into my home. Where is Cassie?"
"The wench? My associate is speeding off with her as we speak. Leaving me...TO DEAL WITH YOU!" He suddenly threw the prawns in Dr Dave's eyes, termporarily blinding him, and hit me with a flying kick. On landing he instantly span round and to sweep Dr Dave's legs out from under him, but even blinded Dr Dave jump over te leg sweep.
"I know your moves, Prawn King," he taunted, wiping the prawns from his eyes.
"Do you know...THIS ONE!" said the Prawn King, diving towards Dr Dave's nipples in an attempt to cripple them. But Dr Dave caught both his hands in his own.
"Yes," said Dr Dave.
"How about...THIS!" said The Prawn King, kicking Dr Dave in the chest, knocking him flying backwards.
"No!" I said, jumping up, but the Prawn King put me right back down with a backfist.
"Now to...FINISH YOU!" said the Prawn King, bearing down on Dr Dave.
"You forget...this is my HOME ENVIRONMENT!" said Dr Dave, pulling a hidden gimmick umbrella out from under the fridge. He opened it and there was a loud bang. The Prawn King was knocked back onto his behind, unconscious.
"You did it!" I said. "Now to call Inspector Tomtrek to arrested this heel and then we can speed off to save Cassie."
"By all means, call Tomtrek," said Dr Dave. "But we can't go after Cassie if we don't know where she has been taken."
I called Tomtrek. Oddly, the phone rang a full eight times before he answered. He said he'd be over as soon as he could to arrested the Prawn King. We left him tied up in the kitched and went down to the hidden basement to check on the nuns. They were alarmed to hear that Cassie had been taken.
"We have to come with you to save her!" said a spokesnun, after some discussion between the seventeen.
"It's far too dangerous out there," said Dr Dave. "This villain is looking for you, if you left the basement it would be playing into his evil hands!"
"Cassie's our friend!" said the spokesnun. "She bought us nun friendly pizza with hot dog stuff crust! We have to help! Besides, if you go off there will be no one here to guard us without Cassie."
"I don't like it...but perhaps the safest place for you is with me and Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Very well, you can come with us...but we have to change your clothing!"
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
We now needed a new means of transportation to travel with the nuns. The Davemobile was not big enough to hold two people and seventeen nuns. That's why we went to visit Gagh, a former tough turned good guy. Gagh had a van he used to deliver toys to orphans and then deliver the hats knitted by those orphans to hipsters.
"You want to borrow MY van?" he repeated. I didn't understand why he was having such a hard time grasping this.
"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "Now be quick about clearing those hipster hats out of it!"
"Well, okay," said Gagh. "I do owe you a debt that can never be repaid, after all. But...why do you have seventeen Wookiees with you when you're supposed to be stopping The Chinaman?"
Oh! I should have explained! We needed to dsiguise the nuns as something, so Dr Dave had bought seventeen Wookiee costumes from the nearby costume shop. Why dress them all as wookiees, I had asked? Because no one would ever expect that seventeen wookiees were hidden nuns, he had answered. I had to admitted his logic was flawless.
"Ah, there's a reason for that," said Dr Dave, thinking. "You know they're filming a new Star Wars motion picture at the moment?"
"Indeed!" said Gagh. "I hope LOBOT's in it!"
"Well, I have heard that The Chinaman is planning to SABOTAGE that new movie! With Ewoks! The only think that can stop him, by my calculation, is seventeen nuns!"
"The dastard!" said Gagh. "Then, go, quickly, take my van! Stop that beast! KILL HIM!"
We nodded to Gagh and sent the Wookiee nuns into the back of the van. Dr Dave and I went in front.
"So, where are we actually going?" I asked. "We have no idea where the second villain took Cassie!"
"What we have to ask ourselves is what the villain knows and work it out from there," said Dr Dave, the clever clog.
"Well," I said, thinking hard. "He knows...that the Chinaman is at London Zoo? Does he know that the Chinaman is just a hologram created by Cassie?"
"THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT," said Dr Dave, rightly shouting at me. "But yes that is something."
"Perhaps he's taken her to the zoo!" I said.
"Why?"
"Well...umm...maybe he thinks we're there, stopping the Chinaman. And he's going to threaten to feed Cassie to a lion in front of us."
"UNLIKELY," said Dr Dave. "He left the Prawn King at the flat to stop us, remember. He knew we were on his heels. No, there's no reason WHAT SO EVER to think he's taken Cassie to the zoo..."
Dr Dave turned on the radio. There was a news report about the Chinaman. It said "we are hearing now that all animals have been EVACUATED from the zoo due to the threat posed by the Chinaman! Of course he himself has now VANISHED from the zoo so that threat could be over..."
Dr Dave slammed the breaks on. "TO THE ZOO!" he said, with no explanation, turning the car around.
TO BE CONTINUED
"You want to borrow MY van?" he repeated. I didn't understand why he was having such a hard time grasping this.
"Indeed," said Dr Dave. "Now be quick about clearing those hipster hats out of it!"
"Well, okay," said Gagh. "I do owe you a debt that can never be repaid, after all. But...why do you have seventeen Wookiees with you when you're supposed to be stopping The Chinaman?"
Oh! I should have explained! We needed to dsiguise the nuns as something, so Dr Dave had bought seventeen Wookiee costumes from the nearby costume shop. Why dress them all as wookiees, I had asked? Because no one would ever expect that seventeen wookiees were hidden nuns, he had answered. I had to admitted his logic was flawless.
"Ah, there's a reason for that," said Dr Dave, thinking. "You know they're filming a new Star Wars motion picture at the moment?"
"Indeed!" said Gagh. "I hope LOBOT's in it!"
"Well, I have heard that The Chinaman is planning to SABOTAGE that new movie! With Ewoks! The only think that can stop him, by my calculation, is seventeen nuns!"
"The dastard!" said Gagh. "Then, go, quickly, take my van! Stop that beast! KILL HIM!"
We nodded to Gagh and sent the Wookiee nuns into the back of the van. Dr Dave and I went in front.
"So, where are we actually going?" I asked. "We have no idea where the second villain took Cassie!"
"What we have to ask ourselves is what the villain knows and work it out from there," said Dr Dave, the clever clog.
"Well," I said, thinking hard. "He knows...that the Chinaman is at London Zoo? Does he know that the Chinaman is just a hologram created by Cassie?"
"THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING THAT," said Dr Dave, rightly shouting at me. "But yes that is something."
"Perhaps he's taken her to the zoo!" I said.
"Why?"
"Well...umm...maybe he thinks we're there, stopping the Chinaman. And he's going to threaten to feed Cassie to a lion in front of us."
"UNLIKELY," said Dr Dave. "He left the Prawn King at the flat to stop us, remember. He knew we were on his heels. No, there's no reason WHAT SO EVER to think he's taken Cassie to the zoo..."
Dr Dave turned on the radio. There was a news report about the Chinaman. It said "we are hearing now that all animals have been EVACUATED from the zoo due to the threat posed by the Chinaman! Of course he himself has now VANISHED from the zoo so that threat could be over..."
Dr Dave slammed the breaks on. "TO THE ZOO!" he said, with no explanation, turning the car around.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
"Umm, why, exactly, are we going to the zoo?" I asked. "Do you thnk Cassie's there?"
"Yes NO! I don't know!" said Dr Dave, quite wired. I had seen him in this state before. Inspiration had struck him.
"Maybe you should pull over, it's hard to drive when you're thinking so hard," I said, speaking from experience.
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" said Dr Dave, slamming on the breaks. "I feel like I'm on the CUSP of solving this whole case, Wackson! The pieces are coming together...I just don't know yet! I know we'll find some answers at the zoo...yet I feel there is somewhere else we must go first! Perhaps if I too mushrooms again the answers would come..."
"No, Dr Dave, I beg of you, not the mushrooms!" I implored. Dr Dave had gone on mushrooms to solve a case once before. He had said opening the doors of perception would lead him to the answer. What had actually happened was that he and Toby the Dog, his dear canine friend, had ended up running around London hunting squirrels. One of the squirrels has the golden nuts we seek, he had told me. I had to remind him we were trying to find a stolen laptop computer belonging to Prince Harry himself. It was said to contain some embarrassing photographs. Eventually Dr Dave and Toby HAD stumbled across the laptop in a mushroom den, but I believed that was pure coincidence.
"Well, maybe not," said Dr Dave. "Toby isn't even with us! Besides, I've remembered where we must go now. Back to Bacon's house!"
"Are you sure?" I said. "I don't want to see him eaten by kittens..."
"Then you stay in the car and I'll go in!" said Dr Dave. "TO THE BACON HOME!" And we were off again. I hope the nuns were okay in the back of the van. I wondered briefly if they had enough oxygen in there. I shrugged. I was sure Dr Dave would have thought of that. Finally we reached Bacon's home. Dr Dave ran inside while I waited. I heard someone banging on the back of the van, so I sighed and went to check on the nuns.
"Do you have enough oxygen?" I asked, after opening the door.
"We do now that you've opened the door!" said the Spokesnun. "Are we any closer to finding Cassie yet? The girls and I have been thinking and we have some ideas..."
"What not leave the thinking to Dr Dave like I always do!" I said, slamming the door shut again. It was at that point that Dr Dave returning, holding something. He stuffed it in his coat when he saw me.
"Well? Get back in the van, Wackson, there's no time to waste!" he said.
"What did you find in there?" I asked, curious.
"Bacon, gnawed by cats, just as I expected," said Dr Dave. "Quite funny, really. TO THE ZOO!" And we were off again on our mad jaunt.
TO BE CONTINUED
"Yes NO! I don't know!" said Dr Dave, quite wired. I had seen him in this state before. Inspiration had struck him.
"Maybe you should pull over, it's hard to drive when you're thinking so hard," I said, speaking from experience.
"YOU'RE RIGHT!" said Dr Dave, slamming on the breaks. "I feel like I'm on the CUSP of solving this whole case, Wackson! The pieces are coming together...I just don't know yet! I know we'll find some answers at the zoo...yet I feel there is somewhere else we must go first! Perhaps if I too mushrooms again the answers would come..."
"No, Dr Dave, I beg of you, not the mushrooms!" I implored. Dr Dave had gone on mushrooms to solve a case once before. He had said opening the doors of perception would lead him to the answer. What had actually happened was that he and Toby the Dog, his dear canine friend, had ended up running around London hunting squirrels. One of the squirrels has the golden nuts we seek, he had told me. I had to remind him we were trying to find a stolen laptop computer belonging to Prince Harry himself. It was said to contain some embarrassing photographs. Eventually Dr Dave and Toby HAD stumbled across the laptop in a mushroom den, but I believed that was pure coincidence.
"Well, maybe not," said Dr Dave. "Toby isn't even with us! Besides, I've remembered where we must go now. Back to Bacon's house!"
"Are you sure?" I said. "I don't want to see him eaten by kittens..."
"Then you stay in the car and I'll go in!" said Dr Dave. "TO THE BACON HOME!" And we were off again. I hope the nuns were okay in the back of the van. I wondered briefly if they had enough oxygen in there. I shrugged. I was sure Dr Dave would have thought of that. Finally we reached Bacon's home. Dr Dave ran inside while I waited. I heard someone banging on the back of the van, so I sighed and went to check on the nuns.
"Do you have enough oxygen?" I asked, after opening the door.
"We do now that you've opened the door!" said the Spokesnun. "Are we any closer to finding Cassie yet? The girls and I have been thinking and we have some ideas..."
"What not leave the thinking to Dr Dave like I always do!" I said, slamming the door shut again. It was at that point that Dr Dave returning, holding something. He stuffed it in his coat when he saw me.
"Well? Get back in the van, Wackson, there's no time to waste!" he said.
"What did you find in there?" I asked, curious.
"Bacon, gnawed by cats, just as I expected," said Dr Dave. "Quite funny, really. TO THE ZOO!" And we were off again on our mad jaunt.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
We arrived at the zoo. It was eerily quiet. All the animals had been moved to a SECONDARY ZOO because of the threat from the Chinaman. Of course that Chinaman had been a hologram, but the zoo officials didn't know that! I admired the zoo officials. They wold do anything for their zoo animals.
Dr Dave opened the back of the vans and we found the nuns once again hungry for oxygen. "I suppose you should all come out," said Dr Dave. "Use your advanced clone nun skills to look for clues."
"Finally!" said the spokesnun. "Some action!"
"But if the villain is here, he'll realise that these seventeen Wookiees are the nuns!" said I. Dr Dave looked at me. "Oh! You're planning to use the nuns to lure the villain out!"
"What!" said the Spokesnun. "Use us as bait?"
"Yes," said Dr Dave.
"Well, okay!" said the Spokesnun. "It's been hard, having to hide in that basement, having to hide in the back of this van with very little oxygen...we WANT to put an end to this! We can't live like this forever!"
"But you'll be at huge risk!" I said. It was not right to put anyone, especially not fragile young ladies, in danger.
"It's what we want!" said another nun. I'd almost forgotten the others could talk.
"No further debate!" said Dr Dave. "Let's get in there!" The nuns got out the van in their Wookiee suits and we entered the zoo. There didn't seem to be anyone around, until we saw a figure walking towards us. I clenched my fists, ready for fisticuffs.
"I'll thrash anyone who touches these young nuns!" I said.
"Relax, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "It's our friend." Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard stepped out of the shadows.
"Hello, hello, what's all this then!" he said. "Seventeen Wookiees! You've pulled some strange stunts before, Dr Dave, but this takes the biscuit and no mistake!"
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I can't explain it all to you, but I'm looking for a woman. A woman in a cage."
"Haven't seen anything like that, but I only just got here," said Tomtrek.
"Oh, did you take care of the Prawn King?" I asked. We'd left him at Dr Dave's apartment for Tomtrek to arrest.
"Oh yes, I took care of that undesirable," said Tomtrek. "Well, why don't I take some of these Wookiees and look for your caged woman in the other side of the zoo..."
"That's okay," said Dr Dave. "Just you keep on patrolling. These Wookiees must stay close to me for specific reasons."
"Well, you've never steered me wrong before!" said Tomtrek. "Good luck to you!" And we walked off in opposite directions.
"WAIT!" said a nun eventually. "I just found something..." She picked it up off the floor. It was part of a pizza box.
"Cassie ordered pizza!" I said. "That means she's near!"
"Good work," said Dr Dave. He looked around...then saw something. In the reptile house. At the back. We walked in. There was a shape in the corner...it was Cassie! All tied up and gagged!
"She's trying to say someting!" I said. I pulled the gag off.
"It's a trap!" said Cassie. Suddenly the door to the reptile house slammed shut. The nuns screamed. Dr Dave and I span round.
Standing there in the dark was the Prawn King, free and armed with a deadly whip.
"I know what's going on here..." said Dr Dave. And so did.
"The Prawn King has a twin brother!" I gasped.
TO BE CONTINUED
Dr Dave opened the back of the vans and we found the nuns once again hungry for oxygen. "I suppose you should all come out," said Dr Dave. "Use your advanced clone nun skills to look for clues."
"Finally!" said the spokesnun. "Some action!"
"But if the villain is here, he'll realise that these seventeen Wookiees are the nuns!" said I. Dr Dave looked at me. "Oh! You're planning to use the nuns to lure the villain out!"
"What!" said the Spokesnun. "Use us as bait?"
"Yes," said Dr Dave.
"Well, okay!" said the Spokesnun. "It's been hard, having to hide in that basement, having to hide in the back of this van with very little oxygen...we WANT to put an end to this! We can't live like this forever!"
"But you'll be at huge risk!" I said. It was not right to put anyone, especially not fragile young ladies, in danger.
"It's what we want!" said another nun. I'd almost forgotten the others could talk.
"No further debate!" said Dr Dave. "Let's get in there!" The nuns got out the van in their Wookiee suits and we entered the zoo. There didn't seem to be anyone around, until we saw a figure walking towards us. I clenched my fists, ready for fisticuffs.
"I'll thrash anyone who touches these young nuns!" I said.
"Relax, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "It's our friend." Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard stepped out of the shadows.
"Hello, hello, what's all this then!" he said. "Seventeen Wookiees! You've pulled some strange stunts before, Dr Dave, but this takes the biscuit and no mistake!"
"Yes," said Dr Dave. "I can't explain it all to you, but I'm looking for a woman. A woman in a cage."
"Haven't seen anything like that, but I only just got here," said Tomtrek.
"Oh, did you take care of the Prawn King?" I asked. We'd left him at Dr Dave's apartment for Tomtrek to arrest.
"Oh yes, I took care of that undesirable," said Tomtrek. "Well, why don't I take some of these Wookiees and look for your caged woman in the other side of the zoo..."
"That's okay," said Dr Dave. "Just you keep on patrolling. These Wookiees must stay close to me for specific reasons."
"Well, you've never steered me wrong before!" said Tomtrek. "Good luck to you!" And we walked off in opposite directions.
"WAIT!" said a nun eventually. "I just found something..." She picked it up off the floor. It was part of a pizza box.
"Cassie ordered pizza!" I said. "That means she's near!"
"Good work," said Dr Dave. He looked around...then saw something. In the reptile house. At the back. We walked in. There was a shape in the corner...it was Cassie! All tied up and gagged!
"She's trying to say someting!" I said. I pulled the gag off.
"It's a trap!" said Cassie. Suddenly the door to the reptile house slammed shut. The nuns screamed. Dr Dave and I span round.
Standing there in the dark was the Prawn King, free and armed with a deadly whip.
"I know what's going on here..." said Dr Dave. And so did.
"The Prawn King has a twin brother!" I gasped.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
His deadly whip rang out in the night. One nun went down. Then another. And another. Some of the nuns performed complicated nun acrobatics to avoid his whip. But only for a moment. Every nun was eventually caught by his whip. I was paralysed on the spot. Literally, I'd just been bitten by a paralysis lizard. My last act had been to loosen Cassie's bonds. She was struggling free now, but what help could she be against this Whip Master?
"Fall, Wookiees, fall!" he said. "Can I not be stopped?"
"Not if anything to say about it I have!" said Dr Dave. He dived into combat with his umbrella. It was a furious battle. My eyes could barely keep up with it.
"You fool!" said the Prawn King. "You know I studie the deadly whip arts in the middle east for ten years! How can you beat me?"
"By out-smarting you!" said Dr Dave, feigning an umbrella attack but instead using it to vault over the Prawn King's whip. Yet when he landed, the Prawn King hit him in the face with a whip strike to the cheek. Dr Dave dropped to his knees.
"No!" I said.
"You call that out-smarting me?" mocked the Prawn King.
"No, but this is," said Dr Dave. Then someone kicked the Prawn King in the face. It was Cassie!
"Take that, MOFO!" she said. "You got the drop on me once, but you can't stand up to my Cassie kung fu!"
"But you're just a woman!" said the Prawn King, astonished. He lashed out with his whip, curling it around Cassie. But she slipped free like a ninja!
"A woman with SKILLS!" she said, dropkicking the Prawn King in the face and knocking him out.
"Unbelievable!" I said, instantly recovered from the paralysing lizard's paralysis. "How did you know she could take him?"
"I researched her skillset before I hired her, of course," said Dr Dave.
"Well, the Prawn King is defeated and the case is solved!" I said, happy.
"Oh my dear Wackson, the Prawn King was not the chief villain here. That fiend is still to be caught, but he is here in this very zoo!"
"Who, WHO!" I said, aroused.
"Why of course it's - " but Dr Dave never completed his thought. A shot rang out. Dr Dave clutched his chest and fall to the floor. He had been shot by a figured standing in the doorway. A man. He stepped forward, and finally I knew who the villain Dr Dave had been speaking of was.
Standing in the doorway with a smoking gun in his hand was Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard.
TO BE CONTINUED
"Fall, Wookiees, fall!" he said. "Can I not be stopped?"
"Not if anything to say about it I have!" said Dr Dave. He dived into combat with his umbrella. It was a furious battle. My eyes could barely keep up with it.
"You fool!" said the Prawn King. "You know I studie the deadly whip arts in the middle east for ten years! How can you beat me?"
"By out-smarting you!" said Dr Dave, feigning an umbrella attack but instead using it to vault over the Prawn King's whip. Yet when he landed, the Prawn King hit him in the face with a whip strike to the cheek. Dr Dave dropped to his knees.
"No!" I said.
"You call that out-smarting me?" mocked the Prawn King.
"No, but this is," said Dr Dave. Then someone kicked the Prawn King in the face. It was Cassie!
"Take that, MOFO!" she said. "You got the drop on me once, but you can't stand up to my Cassie kung fu!"
"But you're just a woman!" said the Prawn King, astonished. He lashed out with his whip, curling it around Cassie. But she slipped free like a ninja!
"A woman with SKILLS!" she said, dropkicking the Prawn King in the face and knocking him out.
"Unbelievable!" I said, instantly recovered from the paralysing lizard's paralysis. "How did you know she could take him?"
"I researched her skillset before I hired her, of course," said Dr Dave.
"Well, the Prawn King is defeated and the case is solved!" I said, happy.
"Oh my dear Wackson, the Prawn King was not the chief villain here. That fiend is still to be caught, but he is here in this very zoo!"
"Who, WHO!" I said, aroused.
"Why of course it's - " but Dr Dave never completed his thought. A shot rang out. Dr Dave clutched his chest and fall to the floor. He had been shot by a figured standing in the doorway. A man. He stepped forward, and finally I knew who the villain Dr Dave had been speaking of was.
Standing in the doorway with a smoking gun in his hand was Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
I stared in disbelief. My friend Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard had just shot my very best friend Dr Dave in the chest. And the chest is where the heart is located. I started to kneel down to check for signs of life, but Inspector Tomtrek spoke.
"Don't move, Wackson," he said. "I have my gun trained on you. I will not allow you to heal Dr Dave. He must die."
""Why, Tomtrek, why!" I said. I could see some of the nuns beginning to recover. Cassie was also edging towards Tomtrek. Perhaps one of them could take him out and I could use my healing hands on Dr Dave's wounded heart.
"First of all, tell your friends to back off...or I'll set TOBY on them!" said Tomtrek.
"Toby?" I asked, confused. "The police dog who is a dear friend to Dr Dave?"
"But, as you said, he is a police dog...and he will follow MY commands!" said Tomtrek. He whistled. Toby the dog ran in...foaming at the mouth. He growled at Cassie, who backed away.
"I'm notoriously scared of police dogs," she explained.
"Hahaha," laughed Tomtrek, evily. How had I never noticed his evil laugh before? "The long arm of the law!"
"YOU FIEND!" I exploded. "I trust you! We ate ice cream together!"
"After I killed the mother superior, yes!" said Tomtrek. "AND I LIKED IT. The ice cream, that is. I mean, I liked the murder too. But you have to admit, that was really good ice cream!"
"Yes, it was!" I agreed. "And now the memory of that ice cream has forever been tarnished by the knowledge that you had commited murder before eating it! You're supposed to be a GOOD COP, not a JERK!"
"I am a good cop," snapped Tomtrek, seriously. "The BEST cop. That's why I needed these seventeen nuns. It was all about them, Wackson! ALL ALONG!"
"Needed them for what!" I said.
"TO POLICE THE WORLD!" said Tomtrek, madly. "Don't you see? I just want to protect people, Wackson. Protect them by brining order...MY ORDER. There will be nore more crimes once I have total control of the world! You must see that! It makes perfect sense! And these girls, these nuns...they have powers! Telepathic super powers! They don't even know it, but they can influence the minds of others! And they can help me come up with the ULTIMATE PLAN to bring law and order to the world! With them under my control, I wiould be unstoppable! And that is why I must now KILL YOU, Wackson. Sorry, chaps. I really did enjoy eating ice cream with you..."
"NOT SO FAST!" said a voice. And then, to my shock, Dr Dave sat up. He was alive!
"No!" said Tomtrek. "I shot you in the bally heart!"
"I picked something up from Bacon's house," said Dr Dave. "Something that protected me..." He opened his detective's jacket to reveal a KITTEN inside! A kitten which had caught the bullet in its teeth!
"I'll just shoot you again or set rabid Toby on you!" said Tomtrek.
"Oh, I'm afraid not," said Dr Dave. "This isn't just a super intelligent, ageless, bullet-catching kitten. This...is a DEADLY kitten!"
And then with a fury of claws the kitten flew through the air and savaged Toby.
TO BE CONTINUED
"Don't move, Wackson," he said. "I have my gun trained on you. I will not allow you to heal Dr Dave. He must die."
""Why, Tomtrek, why!" I said. I could see some of the nuns beginning to recover. Cassie was also edging towards Tomtrek. Perhaps one of them could take him out and I could use my healing hands on Dr Dave's wounded heart.
"First of all, tell your friends to back off...or I'll set TOBY on them!" said Tomtrek.
"Toby?" I asked, confused. "The police dog who is a dear friend to Dr Dave?"
"But, as you said, he is a police dog...and he will follow MY commands!" said Tomtrek. He whistled. Toby the dog ran in...foaming at the mouth. He growled at Cassie, who backed away.
"I'm notoriously scared of police dogs," she explained.
"Hahaha," laughed Tomtrek, evily. How had I never noticed his evil laugh before? "The long arm of the law!"
"YOU FIEND!" I exploded. "I trust you! We ate ice cream together!"
"After I killed the mother superior, yes!" said Tomtrek. "AND I LIKED IT. The ice cream, that is. I mean, I liked the murder too. But you have to admit, that was really good ice cream!"
"Yes, it was!" I agreed. "And now the memory of that ice cream has forever been tarnished by the knowledge that you had commited murder before eating it! You're supposed to be a GOOD COP, not a JERK!"
"I am a good cop," snapped Tomtrek, seriously. "The BEST cop. That's why I needed these seventeen nuns. It was all about them, Wackson! ALL ALONG!"
"Needed them for what!" I said.
"TO POLICE THE WORLD!" said Tomtrek, madly. "Don't you see? I just want to protect people, Wackson. Protect them by brining order...MY ORDER. There will be nore more crimes once I have total control of the world! You must see that! It makes perfect sense! And these girls, these nuns...they have powers! Telepathic super powers! They don't even know it, but they can influence the minds of others! And they can help me come up with the ULTIMATE PLAN to bring law and order to the world! With them under my control, I wiould be unstoppable! And that is why I must now KILL YOU, Wackson. Sorry, chaps. I really did enjoy eating ice cream with you..."
"NOT SO FAST!" said a voice. And then, to my shock, Dr Dave sat up. He was alive!
"No!" said Tomtrek. "I shot you in the bally heart!"
"I picked something up from Bacon's house," said Dr Dave. "Something that protected me..." He opened his detective's jacket to reveal a KITTEN inside! A kitten which had caught the bullet in its teeth!
"I'll just shoot you again or set rabid Toby on you!" said Tomtrek.
"Oh, I'm afraid not," said Dr Dave. "This isn't just a super intelligent, ageless, bullet-catching kitten. This...is a DEADLY kitten!"
And then with a fury of claws the kitten flew through the air and savaged Toby.
TO BE CONTINUED
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
The kitten ripped Toby's throat out with its teeth. I turned away in disgust.
"Poor Toby," I said. "He was a good dog. Yes he was! Who's a good dog? You're a good dog! But now you're dead."
"Don't worry, Wackson, that wasn't the real Toby," said Dr Dave, unmoved by the canine's brutal death. "That was just Toby's twin brother who they kept locked up because he was a bastard."
"Oh, never mind then!" I said.
"It doesn't matter!" said the crazed Inspector Tomtrek. "I'll kill you both anyway! And even if I don't, I've already told my boss Chief Inspector Headvoid that the Chinaman hasn't REALLY returned! That it was all just a hologram created by that HUSSY Cassie! You'll go back to prison for murdering those nuns!"
"...those nuns who are still alive?" I asked. "Those nuns who now SURROUND you?"
"Darn!" said Tomtrek. "But ha! What do you think you're going to do against me, you pathetic nuns!"
"Don't you understand yet?" asked the Spokesnun Nun. "The kittens were just the first prototypes. An early experiment by our father Bacon. They were created to have superior minds, to not age, and to be able to KICK SOME BUTT. And guess what? So were we!" And then all seventeen nuns attacked Tomtrek, brutally beating the stuffing out of him.
"Bravo!" I said. "But why didn't you use your fighting skills before?"
"Because our skills are such that we can kill a man without a second thought," said the Spokesnun. "Our father told us to NEVER use our abilities unless it was absolutely necessary. Or unless someone really pissed us off! For, you see, just to make things absolutely clear...WE are the Deadly Kittens."
"Well, that statement pretty much wraps things up around here!" said Cassie. "We know that the Prawn King was just a pawn employed by the REAL villain of the piece, Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard! Now that he's been caught, the nuns can live normal lives!"
"All seventeen of us together, in a big nun castle!" said the Spokesnun.
"Hmm," said Dr Dave, thinking. "I agree that everything SEEMS to have been wrapped up, but there's something still bothering me. I just can't put my finger on what..."
"Hello hello hello, what's all this then!" said Chief Inspector Headvoid, entering the zoo. "Toby the dog's evil brother dead? The Prawn King and Tomtrek all tied up? Seventeen living nuns? What has been going on here, Detective Dr Dave?"
"Allow me to tell you everything from the start!" said Dr Dave, smiling. He loved telling everything from the start. I smiled. Everything was okay. Life was good. Dr Dave and I would go on to have many more adventures, each sexier than the last!
EPILOGUE
Inspector Tomtrek sat in the police interview room, waiting. He had said he'd come to see him. The Master. Where was he? Finally the door opened. Tomtrek breathed a sigh of relief.
"Finally!" he said. "I thought you'd never get here! Dr Dave foiled my scheme, as you can see!"
"Yes," said the Master, disappointed. "He always does, doesn't he? But it wasn't your scheme, Tomtrek. It was mine. Dr Dave has no idea that I brainwashed you into carrying out my will. He thinks you're the real villain here, when in fact you're as much of a pawn as the Prawn King was. I'll just have to find another way to get my hands on those seventeen Deadly Kitten nuns."
"Yes, Master," said Tomtrek. "And I'll assist you, as I have been programmed to do."
"Of course you will!" said the Master. "I just have one more question. One of vanity."
"What is it, Lord?" asked Tomtrek.
"You didn't see me for a while," said the Master. "While you were carrying out my plans..."
"No, Master," said Tomtrek.
"Well, did you miss me?" asked Dr Dace, Tomtrek's Master and the real villain of the piece!
THE END!?
"Poor Toby," I said. "He was a good dog. Yes he was! Who's a good dog? You're a good dog! But now you're dead."
"Don't worry, Wackson, that wasn't the real Toby," said Dr Dave, unmoved by the canine's brutal death. "That was just Toby's twin brother who they kept locked up because he was a bastard."
"Oh, never mind then!" I said.
"It doesn't matter!" said the crazed Inspector Tomtrek. "I'll kill you both anyway! And even if I don't, I've already told my boss Chief Inspector Headvoid that the Chinaman hasn't REALLY returned! That it was all just a hologram created by that HUSSY Cassie! You'll go back to prison for murdering those nuns!"
"...those nuns who are still alive?" I asked. "Those nuns who now SURROUND you?"
"Darn!" said Tomtrek. "But ha! What do you think you're going to do against me, you pathetic nuns!"
"Don't you understand yet?" asked the Spokesnun Nun. "The kittens were just the first prototypes. An early experiment by our father Bacon. They were created to have superior minds, to not age, and to be able to KICK SOME BUTT. And guess what? So were we!" And then all seventeen nuns attacked Tomtrek, brutally beating the stuffing out of him.
"Bravo!" I said. "But why didn't you use your fighting skills before?"
"Because our skills are such that we can kill a man without a second thought," said the Spokesnun. "Our father told us to NEVER use our abilities unless it was absolutely necessary. Or unless someone really pissed us off! For, you see, just to make things absolutely clear...WE are the Deadly Kittens."
"Well, that statement pretty much wraps things up around here!" said Cassie. "We know that the Prawn King was just a pawn employed by the REAL villain of the piece, Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard! Now that he's been caught, the nuns can live normal lives!"
"All seventeen of us together, in a big nun castle!" said the Spokesnun.
"Hmm," said Dr Dave, thinking. "I agree that everything SEEMS to have been wrapped up, but there's something still bothering me. I just can't put my finger on what..."
"Hello hello hello, what's all this then!" said Chief Inspector Headvoid, entering the zoo. "Toby the dog's evil brother dead? The Prawn King and Tomtrek all tied up? Seventeen living nuns? What has been going on here, Detective Dr Dave?"
"Allow me to tell you everything from the start!" said Dr Dave, smiling. He loved telling everything from the start. I smiled. Everything was okay. Life was good. Dr Dave and I would go on to have many more adventures, each sexier than the last!
EPILOGUE
Inspector Tomtrek sat in the police interview room, waiting. He had said he'd come to see him. The Master. Where was he? Finally the door opened. Tomtrek breathed a sigh of relief.
"Finally!" he said. "I thought you'd never get here! Dr Dave foiled my scheme, as you can see!"
"Yes," said the Master, disappointed. "He always does, doesn't he? But it wasn't your scheme, Tomtrek. It was mine. Dr Dave has no idea that I brainwashed you into carrying out my will. He thinks you're the real villain here, when in fact you're as much of a pawn as the Prawn King was. I'll just have to find another way to get my hands on those seventeen Deadly Kitten nuns."
"Yes, Master," said Tomtrek. "And I'll assist you, as I have been programmed to do."
"Of course you will!" said the Master. "I just have one more question. One of vanity."
"What is it, Lord?" asked Tomtrek.
"You didn't see me for a while," said the Master. "While you were carrying out my plans..."
"No, Master," said Tomtrek.
"Well, did you miss me?" asked Dr Dace, Tomtrek's Master and the real villain of the piece!
THE END!?
CaptainWacky
I want to smell dark matter
BUMP for any other readers!