Menu
What's new
Troll Kingdom

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Dr Dave in 'The Case Of The Empty Mine Field'

CaptainWacky

CaptainWacky

I want to smell dark matter
I was crouched down behind a pile of puddings. Fuddlemiff the pudding salesman was in position. The moment had finally arrived, the thing I had been working towards for months. Finally I was about to catch the Pudding Strangler. The bell on the door of the pudding shop rang. He was here.

"I'll have ten grape egg puddings, please," I heard him say.

"With shell or without?" asked Fuddlemiff, playing his part perfectly.

"With, of course!" said the Pudding Strangler.

"Ah ha!" I said, jumping out of my hiding place. I nodded to Fuddlemiff and he retreated to the pudding stockroom. "Finally I have you!"

"What!" said the Pudding Strangler. "Who are you!?"

"You know perfectly well who I am!" I said, ripping off the false beard I was wearing, revealing my real beard underneath.

"Wackson!" said the Pudding Strangler. "The famous detective! But how did you know I'd be here!"

"SCIENTIFIC ANALYSIS!" I said, proudly. "I ate every stinking pudding you left by the body of your victims and came to the inescapable conclusion that they were grape egg flavoured. With shell!"

"That doesn't make me the killer!" he protested.

"No? No one else would even know grape egg puddings exist! You created the flavour yourself, to satiate your sickening desires! Once we figured that out it was a simple matter co-opt the nearest pudding shop to the area we suspected you live and instruct them to begin stocking grape egg pudding! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist shopping here, as being able to buy grape egg pudding would save you time on making the pudding and give you more time to commit murders!"

"But how do you know I'm not just a member of the public who wants to indulge in some grape egg pudding?"

"WITH shell? Please!" I said, shaking my head. And then he smiled. I had him at last.

"Very good," he said. "Of course, there's one mistake you've made, Wackson. A mistake I don't think your old friend, the DEARLY MISSED Dr Dave would have made. You're alone in a pudding shop with the Pudding Strangler!"

"Not quite alone!" I said. And at that moment, Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard rose from underneath the floor, through the trapdoor I'd had specially constructed in the pudding shop.

"You're nicked!" said Inspector Tomtrek, grabbing the Pudding Strangler by the lapel. "Your strangling days are over!"

"Curses!" said the Pudding Strangler. "Maybe you are a great detective after all, Wackson. Not as great AS DR DAVE WAS but still pretty good!" He spat on the floor.

"Take him away, boys!" said Inspector Tomtrek, kicking the Pudding Strangler in the bum and out the door, into the hands of his officers. Tomtrek and I walked out of the shop, talking.

"Well, that's over with," I said. I couldn't help but feel a sense of disappointment that it was all over. Yes I'd caught a serial killer...but it wasn't the same as it had been in the old days. Before Dr Dave had fell to his death with his evil twin brother Dr Dace...

"It was a stroke of genius to have that trapdoor built under the shop!" Tomtrek said to me, perhaps sensing how I was feeling.

"I don't know about genius," I said. "Two our people were strangled while the trapdoor was being built!"

"Still, without your detective work we never would have cuaght the fellow."

"I'm not...him." I looked at the ground, sadly.

"It must have hurt, hearing the pudding strangler say his name," said Tomtrek. "It's been two years now, hasn't it?"

"Yes," I said. "And the world is a poorer place without him. He would have caught the Pudding Strangler after only one murder, not after seventeen like I did!"

"Perhaps," said Tomtrek. "But there's no use dwelling on things. You've done some DAMN SOLID DETECTIVE WORK in the last two years. That counterfeit Nintendo ring you shut down, for example!"

"Those bastards!" I said, shaking my fist as I remembered their shoddy Legend Of Zelda knock-offs.

"And I know you've...suffered in your personal life, but you've still got your visits to Cassie's brotherl!"

"Hey, it's not a brothel! It's a foam bath house! For foam baths."

"SURE!" said Tomtrek, laughing. I laughed too.

"It's just...it's not the same," I said. "I feel my finest days are behind me."

"At least you knew him," said Tomtrek, seriously. "Oh, sure, I had dealings with Dr Dave but I never KNEW HIM inside out like you did. To have access to that mind...even for a short time. You were blessed." These words rang true to me. I smiled.

"You're right, by jove!" I said. "Thank you, Inspector Tomtrek. I'm going home now, but you're welcome to come by later for a game of cards."

"Perhaps I'll take you up on that!" said Tomtrek. I knew he wouldn't, of course. Nobody ever wanted a game of cards. "Until then!"

He parted ways. I headed home, remembering my friend Dr Dave with every step. I remembered the time we'd arrested the blackface killers, the time we'd broken up that ring of homosexual fishermen...so many memories.

I found three thugs waiting outside my flat. I recognised them. The Nintendo counterfeiters! Out of jail already.

"There he is!" said one thug. They approached me. I started to back away...but a fourth thug had snuck up from behind. There was no one else around but an hooded old man shuffling in the distance.

"Clever girl," I said.

"Thought you'd seen the last of us, didn't you!" said the Head Thug. "We got out early by grassing up some SEGA fraudsters!"

"They should have thrown away the key on all of you!" I said, unable to contain my rage.

"What's it to you anyway!" said the Head Thug. "Why does it bother you if some kids play Superb Mario Karting or Meatroid Prone or Donkey Hump Cuntry instead of the real games? What does it matter?"

"BECAUSE IT'S WRONG!" I raged. I threw one of the thugs over my head with a surprise judo throw. Another I kicked in the chest. But a third hit me on the back of the head with a large stick. I saw the head thug laughing.

"You're nothing without your MANFRIEND Dr Dave. He was a fighter, not you!" This was true. I tried to get to me feet but was hit again. And head thug strode towards me with a knife. And then...

The hooded old man was running towards us! He nailed the head thug with a flying karate kick and sweeped the leg out of the second. The third ran at him too, but the old man bested him in hand to hand combat. There was something about the way he fought. Something singular. Yes, quite singular indeed...

The fourth span me round but I quickly punched him in the neck and then kicked him in the face. I turned back to see the old man, but he was gone. Then it came to me, his fighting style. There was only one place I had seen it before. There was no mistaking it.

He had fought in the exact same style as Dr Dave.

TO BE CONTINUDED
 
I ran after him. Well, I had not actually see which way the man had went, but I ran anywhere. For some reason my feet were carrying me in a certain direction. I just wasn't quite conscious of where they were taking me. Not yet.

I came across our old friend Loktar chained to his bench. Of course the chains weren't locked, they hadn't been for years. He just liked it there.

"Wackson!" he said, cheerily. "Please, sit down on me for a minute, we haven't chatted in ages!"

"No time!" I said. "Did you see an old man come by here?"

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact," said Loktar. "Quite an interesting chap, he looked old but he ran so fast!"

"Which way did he go?" I asked.

"Why, that way!" said Loktar, pointing. "Hey, didn't your old friend Dr Dave, may he rest in peace, live down that street."

"Yes," I said, grimly. "Yes he did. It's time for this mummer's farce to end!"

"Well, come back and talk for a while when it does!" said Loktar as I ran off.

I came to Dr Dave's old apartment at 23 MineField Street. It was still empty, after two years. Dear old MissManners hadn't the heart to let it out again. She had loved Dr Dave as we all had. His flat remained unlived in as a memorial to him. I stepped inside slowly. It felt eery, being back there. I had visited dear old MissManners several times over the last two years, but had never stepped foot inside Dr Dave's place.

It seemed emtpy, but I noticed his chair had moved. It was facing the window now. There could only be on reason why. Someone was sitting on it.

"Who are you!" I said, reaching for my trusty umbrella just in case he was dangerous. The chair span round. An old man in a hood. What else had I expected to see?

"Are we alone?" he asked.

"I'll ask the questions!" I said, shaking my umbrella. The old man smiled.

"Same old Wackson," he said. There was somethig familiar about his voice. Something very familiar.

"I...what," I said. "How did you get in here anyway, the door would have been locked?"

"I had my key, still, Wackson," he said. "I kept it all these years." He stood up, suddenly, dropping his hooded cloak on the chair. Then he took an handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his face clean.

Dr Dave was standing before me.

"MY DEAR DOCTOR!" I ejaculated, falling to my knees almost. "Can it be true!"

"My friend Wackson, it is true!" said Dr Dave. I wept openly.

"But how!" I said. "I saw you die!"

"DID YOU, Wackson?" he asked.

"I saw your umbrella," I said. "Over the cliff, with Dr Dace's trousers...there was no other way down."

"I hung to the side," he said. Such an easy explanation, but one I had ruled out for a simple reason. Why hadn't he come to me to tell me he was still alive? But I let him speak on. "My brother perished, I saw that much, saw his body broken on the rocks below. I nearly went over myself, but held a stray vine. It was all that saved me. It wasn't planned, Wackson, but I saw my opportunity then. An opportunity to disappear. I dropped my umbrella below, knowing that you would see it. Speaking of, I see you now carry a similar umbrella!"

I was embarrassed at this. It was true, of course, I had begun carrying an umbrella with me in imitation of my old friend. And perhaps this embarrassment is what tipped me over to anger.

"NEVER MIND THAT!" I raged. "WHY DID YOU LET ME THINK YOU WERE DEAD? WHY! YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND! I LOVED YOU, LIKE I HAVE LOVED NO OTHER MAN. You were my brother!" I wept again. Then I saw the sorrow on Dr Dave's face.

"My dearest Wackson, I wanted to tell you so so badly," he said, walking over to me and placing a hand on my shoulder. "But my brother Dr Dace had many allies. Many DEADLY allies, Wackson. I was studying them before our final confrontation. I knew that even if I killed my brother that wouldn't be the end of it. They would come out of hiding and have their revenge. But they wouldn't just target me. They would target the person I care about most in the world...you, Wackson. So you had to believe I was dead too, for your own protection. Do you understand?"

I thought on this for a long moment. I had never seen Dr Dave look as apologetic. I stood up, stared at my friend...and then gave him a HEARTY handshake.

"If this is a dream I will kill the man who wakes me from it!" I said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Why have you revealed yourself to me now?" I asked my friend, after composing myself.

"Well I hadn't planned to yet," said Dr Dave. "Until you were attacked by those thugs. Who were they anyway?"

"A counterfeit Nintendo ring I shut down, no one important," I said with a dismissive hand wave.

"Yes, I heard of that," said Dr Dave. "I have kept tabs on you, Wackson. I'm pleased you continued with your police work. I believe you were on the tail of the Pudding Strangler?"

"Yes, Inspector Tomtrek and I arrested him today," I said, again, embarrassed to be telling Dr Dave of the trifling work I had been doing.

"Good show, old boy!" he said, slapping me on the back.

"Hardly," I said. "He'd already killed seventeen people before we got him. If you had been around he would have been arrested far quicker."

"Well, of course," said Dr Dave, with that old lack of modesty I'd grown to love. "But the point is I wasn't around. Someone had to pick up the slack, to the best of their abilities. And that someone was you!"

"Inspector Tomtrek helped too," I said, giving due credit. "You should reveal yourself to him as well, let him know about Dr Dace's allies."

"In due time," said Dr Dave. "In DUE time. The truth is I have killed many of those allies in the last two years. Oh, don't look so surprised, Wackson, it has been a dangerous business. I was on their trails all across Europe and even into the Dark Continent of Africa at one time! They did not know I lived, but they knew someone was after them and at times they would make attempts on my life. Well, I do not like using lethal force, but often it was absolutely necessary. I killed one just this week, a fat chap with a small beard. Tried to sit on me, the foolish fellow. I moved and he sat on the deadly spike I had positioned below me! Burst him like a balloon!"

"That's...horrible?" I said.

"Well, it had to be done. I killed him not far from here. For you see, I have been out of the country for some time, but now I have returned for a singular purpose. The members of Dr Dace's old gang are getting back together!"

"Oh...I thought you might have returned to see me," I said.

"That too, Wackson, that too!" he said, smiling. "But this is quite troubling. The gang have stayed apart for the last two years, running their own criminal ventures. But now they are reunited. I believe they have a new boss!"

"Is it possible that HE survived?" I asked with a shudder, thinking of Dr Dace.

"No, quite impossible," said Dr Dave. "When we fell from the cliff I made sure to direct him towards the rocks. I watched his body be broken on them. Snapped his spine like a twig. No, he is dead. There is another."

"All the more reason to tell Inspector Tomtrek and get the full force of Scotland Yard on the case!"

"Perhaps," said Dr Dave. "But I believe I am still being followed. That's why I was disguised as an old man. I came here to talk to you because logically there is no reason for anyone to every come back to this apartment. I don't think we're being watched now...speaking of which, I have been watching you, Wackson."

"Oh?" I said, slightly worried.

"I see you have been using Cassie's foam house often," he said. "Naughty!"

"She really does just give lovely foam baths!" I protested.

"Isn't young Mollie satisfying you anymore?" asked Dr Dave, regarding my old mistress.

"You really have been gone, my friend," I said. "She's been married to Gagh for some eighteen months now. Neither of them stray. It's quite the thing."

"Well, there are other places you could have turned," said Dr Dave. "How about Mrs Wackson? She was a solid lady. She would have done in a pinch, I'm sure."

"We...seperated," I said. It was not something I liked to think of.

"Dear Heavens, what happened?" asked Dr Dave.

"She fell in with a bad lot," I said. "Started having all kinds of crazy ideas. Feminists, I'm afraid."

"Oh my dear fellow, I am sorry," said Dr Dave.

"That's not the worst of it, if you can believe it!" I said. "You know feminists like to burn their bras?"

"Yes I have heard they do so, quite ridiculous," said Dr Dave with distaste.

"Mrs Wackson always liked to go one step further," I said. "She burned down a whole bra factory and perished in a chemical fire!"

Dr Dave was silent for a moment. Then he laughed! "She was quite singular in her ineptitude!" he laughed.

"Quite singular indeed!" I said, laughing about my wife's agonising death for the first time!

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Well, once I have found out what the my brother's former associates are up to my next order of business will be finding you a suitable replacement wife. We can't have you cooking for yourself, Wackson!" laughed my friend.

"I've been eating Chinese takeaway!" I explained. It was the only way I could have a nice meal. "What about you, Dr Dave? Any time for romance on your adventures?" I don't really know why I asked this. There had only ever been one woman in Dr Dave's wife as far as anyone knew. THE woman, Miss Tisiphone Adler.

"Well..." began my friend, but then there was a beeping from his Personal Computer, which was still sitting on his desk.

"Strange, I thought Miss Manners would have turned that off!" I said.

"Ah, I made sure it was unturnoffable in case I ever had need to return here," said Dr Dave, sitting down at the computing device. "That beeping means I have electronic mail!"

"Why, how would anyone know you are here!?" I asked.

"I will confess, Wackson, on returning to London I did contact...someone before you. Do not look angry, it wasn't that I prefered to speak to this person than to you. Far from it! But this person is good at surveillance and I had need of those skills. They've just let me know that I was wrong before when I said I was not being followed..."

"Good Heavens!" I said, looking around.

"Don't worry, they're not here, not yet," said Dr Dave. "But they did see me dealing a beatdown to those Nintendo thugs. It's only a matter of time until they track me here...so let's make sure they do!"

"I don't understand!" I said.

"You will in due time, my friend," said Dr Dave. "It's time to take a stroll around London town. Make ourselves known to anyone watching. While we are gone, an item will be delivered to this apartment. An item that will allow us to catch the blighter who is dogging me!"

"I say!" I said.

"Come on, Wackson!" laughed my friend, and we proudly stepped out. We walked down the street for all to see. I saw some eyes on us. Heard some whispering. Then we came across Loktar on his bench.

"Can it be!" said Loktar. "Have I finally been consumed by insanity or is Dr Dave standing before me!?"

"My dear fellow, you were consumed by insanity long ago," said Dr Dave. "But it is true. Spread the word! Dr Dave is back and the criminals are being put on notice!"

"Good show!" said Loktar, actually standing up before he realised he was supposed to be chained to the bench. He quickly lay back down.

We got some Chinese food from my usual place, on Dr Dave's insistence, then returned to his aparment. When we walked in I saw there was someone sitting on his chair.

"Look out!" I said, preparing to stab the intruder with my umbrella. But Dr Dave merely laughed.

"This is the item I spoke of," he said, spinning the chair around. "Say hello to...me!" It was a completely lifelike wax model of Dr Dave!

"My word!" I siad. "It's like you!"

"Really?" said Dr Dave, examing it. "Isn't my left eye point seven of a milimeter lower than that? But yes, it will serve. I plan to leave it sitting by the window so that my stalker will see it and come in, thinking that I have dozed off. Then we strike!"

We hid in a closet and waited. We dared not speak a word. Finally the door opened. A figure walked towars the wax model of Dr Dave...then chopped its head clean off with a sword! Dr Dave and I came crashing out of the closet and tackled the brute.

"YOU!" said Dr Dave. "I should have known! PROFESSOR CRUMBLEBISCUIT!"

"CURSES!" said the professor. "I thought I'd done you in!"

"ONLY A WAX DUMMY," said Dr Dave. "Now clean the wax out of YOUR ears and listen up. Because I am going to give you a choice between helping me...OR DYING!"

I felt Professor Crumblebiscuit shudder in fear. And it was at this point I finally I asked myself the question I'd been putting off. Just what had my friend Dr Dave become in his time away?

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave was pressing down on Crumblebiscuit's throat.

"TALK!" he shouted. "TALK, DAMN YOU."

"Steady on, Dr Dave!" I said.

"BACK OFF, Wackson," said my friend. I was shocked by his language.

"He's a mad man, Wackson!" said Crumblebiscuit. "He means to end me!"

"Well, you did just try to chop his head off," I said.

"I knew it was a wax dummy!" said Crumblebiscuit, rather desperately. "I just chopped its head off in frustration!"

"LIES!" said Dr Dave, pressing down again. I saw Crumblebiscuit's face turn red. "TELL ME WHO SENT YOU."

"No one sent me, you maniac!" he coughed out. "You've been stalking me all over Europe, trying to kill me! Terrorising my family!"

"Your family are your brutish brawling brothers!" said Dr Dave. "They beat up bears for fun!"

"Protect me, Wackson!" quived Crumblebiscuit.

"He does seem scared..." I said.

"Do you know who this man is, Wackson, what he has done?" asked Dr Dave. "He was the Prime Minister of Poland!"

I looked at him closely. "Yes, I thought I recognised him!" I said. "You were the prime minister who spent Poland's wealth on novelty hats and hookers!"

"The people needed novlety hats!" he said. "And I needed hookers! To be a good Prime Minister!"

"You see?" said Dr Dave, pressing his body against Crumblebiscuit's again. "He doesn't deserve to live!"

"Even so, to kill him like this would be a poor show," I said. "A poor show indeed!"

"Perhaps..." said Dr Dave, loosening his grip a little. "But give me something, Crumblebiscuit, or you'll taste the heel of my shoe!"

"Something big is going down, Dr Dave," he said. "In a place you'd never think to look...an EMPTY place. And there's only a few people who could have put something like this together. Your deceased brother and my former master, Dr Dace. You, yourself, Dr Dave. And...a certain female."

Dr Dave back away in shock at this. Suddenly Crumblebiscuit reached into a pocket and pulled out a pill.

"She gave me this to take in case I was ever caught. Good bye, cruel world!" He swallowed the suicide pill before we could stop him. Seconds later he was lying dead!

"You don't think he meant...her, do you?" I asked my friend.

"THE WOMAN!" said Dr Dave

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I haven't seen her for years," I said. "Have you, Dr Dave?"

"No," he said. "Not once during my trip around Europe." I was happy at this. I did not like the idea of him carrying on with Tisiphone Adler in Europe.

"She was a shifty character to be sure, but the leader of a criminal gang? Surely not!"

"Who knows, Wackson," said Dr Dave. I could tell he was in deep thought. "I have missed much in my travels. I had one single-minded objective: to bring an end to my brother's criminal empire once and for all. But now it seems they are reassembling here, in bally old England itself! The final battle will be thought on her green and pleasant land."

"Then let us fetch our umbrellas and go to war! Give them a damn good thrashing!"

"Unfortunately we don't know where they are," said Dr Dave.

"Oh yeah," I said. "I guess we don't...what was it Crumblebiscuit said? Some place empty?"

"Yes, I have formulated nineteen theories for this location already, but none are soild yet," said Dr Dave with a wave of his hand. "There is one other place we could look for clues, of course."

"Where is that?" I asked, confused.

"Why, the Chinese place where you have been purchasing your meals," said Dr Dave, lifting up a box of CHINESE NOODLES he had bought earlier.

"Ah...yes...that is...obvious..." I said.

"Oh Wackson, you are a fine fellow but sometimes you do not make the obvious connections. You remember the Chinaman, don't you? A close associate of Dr Dace. He was Chinese! He had relatives. Relatives who run CHIENESE restaurants. As soon as you mentioned that I made the connection."

"Surely you cannot mean that all Chinese people are evil!" I said.

"No no, just about twenty percent of them," said Dr Dave. "I actually knew a fine Chinaman in Europe. He was like a Chinese Wackson, in many ways. We travelled together for a year, fighting the evil forces of Dr Dace."

"What happened to him?" I asked, trying to hide my jealousy.

"He was chopped up into little pieces by Swordmaster Sam," said Dr Dave. "Defending me."

"Oh, good," I said. "Not that he died, that he was defending you, I mean."

"His last words to me were 'Kill them all, Dr Dave. Kill them all!' AND I SHALL!"

"I still don't know how you know the Chinese place I use is associated with the Chinaman," I said.

"Well, I wondered why it was Chinese food you were eating. I didn't remember you enjoying it before. Then I saw that flying sticking out of your pants."

"Oh yeah, I forgot that was there!" I said, pulling the flyer for the Chinese place out of my pants. It had been given to me by a very pretty Chinese lady.

"It was obvious then that they had LURED you to their restaurant, probably using a pretty Chinese lady. The Chinaman's relatives would want to keep an eye on you. Perhaps even poison your food!"

"I've been eating there for seventeen weeks!" I said.

"And you kept the flyer in your pants all that time?" asked Dr Dave.

"Oh, I wanted to show Tomtrek a photo of the pretty Chinese lady. There's a photo of her eating CHINESE NOODLES on the flyer. Yes, now I see. Dash it all!"

"Don't worry, if they had wanted to poison you they would have by now. When I went there earlier I could tell they were scared. They'll have put the word out to the CHINESE MAFIA that I'm back in town. By my estimates we still have half an hour before a Chinese thug will arrive here."

"And what do we do in that time?" I asked.

"Attach the head back onto my wax dummy!" he said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
Dr Dave and I hid in the closet again, in complete silence. It was quite frustrating. It had been years since I had seen him. There was still so much I wanted to tell him. So many adventuers I had been on, though I knew they would all pale in comparison to the adventures he'd had in Europe. But we could speak, for fear that the Chinese thug would hear us. Eventually, we heard the door slowly creeping open. A shaodwy figure appeared before us. He looked tentative, and with good reason.

For this time there were two "people" seated in chairs. The wax model of Dr Dave. And the dead body of Professor Crumblebiscuit, dressed up to look like me. Gruesome? Yes, it was. But Dr Dave had suggested it and I had gone alone with it, placing my own trousers on the corpse. The Chinese thug was examining those trousers when Dr Dave and I burst out of the closet.

"STAY YOUR HAND, VILLAIN!" said Dr Dave, as the thug reached for a weapon.

"He's not stopping!" I said. I tackled the burly Chinaman. We crashed backwards into Crumblebiscuit's corpse. There was a sickening thud.

"Easy, Wackson," said Dr Dave, inspecting the Chinese thug's body. "It looks like he was just reaching for...a letter!"

"By jove!" I said. "What kind of a letter is that!"

"It's no weapon at all," groaned the Chinese man. "Let me up off this corpse, please!"

"Let him up, Wackson, I don't think he's a threat," said Dr Dave.

"But he's burly!" I said.

"Burly, but no fighter. You're a messenger, aren't you?" said Dr Dave.

"Yes," said the Chinese fellow. "I bring a message from MY MISTRESS."

"I knew it," said Dr Dave. "THE WOMAN."

"As you can see, this letter is sealed by her authentic seal!" said the Chinese messenger, handing the letter to Dr Dave. "It includes instructions on how to meet her. IN CODE, of course"

"Of course," said Dr Dave. "And you are quite correct, this letter can only have been sealed by Miss Tisiphone Adler."

"Then she has gone evil," I said, sadly.

"Evil is a point of view," said the messnger.

"She's been watching me through the Chinese restaurant for weeks. And that pretty Chinese girl who flirted with me probably doesn't want to go to bed with me," I said.

"I should hope not, she's my wife!" said the messenger.

"How long has Adler been working with your lot?" asked Dr Dave. "Was she ever truly on my side?"

"I should know that Miss Tisiphone Adler is on no side but her own!" said the messenger. "She is a leader. She is assembling a team that will be QUITE formidable."

"But Crumblebiscuit won't be joining them," said Dr Dave, pointing at the corpse that still lay on the floor.

"I didn't even know he was invited," said the messnger, looking somewhat confused. "But no matter! I know Miss Adler will have a replacement lined up."

"Perhaps that replacement...should be ME!" said Dr Dave.

"My dear Doctor, what!" I said.

"Perhaps it is time that I accepted that forces control this world...forces some consider evil...but perhaps there is no good or evil. JUST POWER. Perhaps it's better to be with power than against it."

My jaw dropped in astonishment. Dr Dave really had changed.

"Excellent!" said the messenger. "When I told her you were back in town, that you had been in the restaurant, she hoped you'd see sense."

"I can't allow this!" I said. "If you joined the evil side they'd be unstoppable!"

"My dear Wackson," said Dr Dave, a note of pity in his voice. "Who says you can stop me?"

And then he punched me in the face, knocking me unconscious.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I woke to still find myself in Dr Dave's home. The Chinees leftovers still sat on the table. The Chinese messenger was gone. But Dr Dave stood over me, a harsh look on his face.

"Finally, you're awke. You're getting slow in your old age, Wackson. Slow and weak," he said, cruelly.

"Dr Dave, why..."

"Why? You ask why? You should ask how I could stand to wait this long! From the moment I returned I've wanted to punch you out, Wackson. You disgusting relic of my past. I played you for a fool while it suited me, while I needed a bodyguard...but now I iwll ally myself with Miss Tisiphone Alder and the world will be ours!"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. True I hadn't seen Dr Dave in two years, but how could have have changed this much? He had seemed so much like himself until just before that punch. What had changed?

"You monster," I whispered.

"Monster? Yes, I suppose I am. I've killed so many people, Wackson. I told myself they were servants of my brother, that they deserved it, but truly? I enjoyed it! I got a taste for it. That's what it's always been about for me. POWER. The power to stop bad people...or the power to be one. It's all the same."

"You're breaking my heart!" I said.

"Ha! I suppose you think I loved you like your lover Polly did!"

"What did you say?" I asked, suddenly. Because I'd never had a lover named Polly. There was Mollie, of course. But Dr Dave would never have got that wrong...

"That girl from Ireland you were shagging four years ago, you know the one," he said. Did I catch something in his eye there?

"Yes, I do," I lied. "But no, she never loved me. And neither did you."

"Now you see!" he laughed. "I'm only keeping you alive to help me decode Tisiphone's message."

And now it became clear. Dr Dave was lying for some reason. Pretending to be evil. But why? Was someone listening? Was the Chinese messenger still here? Or something else...

I noticed Dr Dave was speaking directly into the Chinese leftovers as he taunted me. Of course! There was a hidden microphone in the Chinese food! Tisiphone Alder was listening in and Dr Dave was playing HER for a fool! I beamed.

"Well, let's get to work then!" I said.

"Then I kill you," he reminded me, winking.

"Oh, right...you bastard," I said. Dr Dave read from the note.

"I live underneath a GIANT CLOCK...but it does NOT tell the time," he said.

"The broken clock museum!" I said instantly! "None of them tell the time!"

"Good work, Wackson," said Dr Dave. Then he pulled out a gun and aimed it at me.

He pulled the trigger and there was a bang.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
I closed my eyes, thinking I had been wrong. That it wasn't a clever ruse at all and I'd just been shot by my best friend and in a moment I would be dead.

But then I realised I was not dead at all!

I opened my eyes. Dr Dave was standing before me, his finger pressed to his lips. I noddes silently.

"Well, that's the end of him," said Dr Dave. "What an ugly corpse." Even though I knew he was acting I was still hurt by this. Dr Dave walked to the door and left his apartment. He motioned for me to follow and I did.

We walked down the stairs and then into the street is silence. Eventually we ducked into a dark alley.

"WHY!?" I said. He smiled grimly.

"I'm sure you've figured it out, Wackson," he said. "You're a bright fellow. She had a hidden microphone in our Chinese food."

"Well, yes, but why did you have to pretend to kill me?" I asked.

"She had to be convinced that I was fully on her side," he said, dismissively.

"But you already said all those awful things to the Chinese messenger! Couldn't you have just knocked him out once you had Tisiphone's message?"

"He could have been a suicide bomber," said Dr Dave. "She could have detonated him as soon as I showed signs of planning against her."

"And after he was gone..."

"There could have been a bomb in the Chinese food! Enough questions, Wackson!"

"Just one more, my friend," I said, pressing his arm with my hand. "All those things you said, the cynicism you expressed about the nature of good and evil, you didn't mean them, did you? Your experiences in Europe didn't change you, did they? You're not...dead inside?"

He looked at me with haunted eyes. And laughed. "Of course my experiences changed me, Wackson. None of us are the same person we were two years ago. But I'm still Dr Dave. And I'll be DASHED if allow that woman to team up with Dr Dace's old gang to take over the world!"

"Good show!" I said. But did I mean it? He was right, wasn't he. Things were how they used to be. I wondered if Dr Dave cared about anything beyond stopping his enemies. If he could ever go back to a normal life.

Finally we arrived at the Broken Clock Museum. It housed London's largest collection of broken clocks.

"Shouldn't I hang back?" I asked. "If she thinks I'm dead..."

"That's why I brought THIS MASK," he said, pulling out a Tony Blair mask. "Wear it and if Tisiphone sees you I'll say I've captured Tony Blair."

"Good plan!" I said, putting the mask on. Dr Dave pulled out his new umbrella. It had a much more sophisticated lock-picking mechanism. He opened the door in seconds.

It was dark inside. There was some ticking, but most of the clicks were so broken that they didn't make a noise. We moved through the dark.

"I'M HERE," he suddenly shouted, startling me. "COME OUT, TISIPHONE."

And then the lights came on...a a massive clock face in front of us burst open. TEN MEN came flying out, dressed in clock-themed ninja outfits!

Tisiphone had trained an army of evil clock ninjas.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Clock ninjas!" said Dr Dave, brandishing his umbrella. "This time she's gone TOO far!"

"Time?" said one clock ninja. "It's TIME for you to put down your umbrella! Tee hee hee hee!"

"They're unarmed..." I said, as they circled around us. "Look like they only want to subdue us."

"I'm the one who says things like that, Wackson!" said Dr Dave. "Ninjas are trained to kill by hand. And clock ninjas? Who knows!"

The ninjas seemed to be lookin up at something. I followed their gaze and saw Tisiphone Adler standing on a balcony far above. She was squinting, looking at me.

"Is that...Tony Blair?" I heard her ask.

"I captured him, to give in tribute to you and your evil plans," said Dr Dave. "But now you betray me with clock ninjas!"

"Is that actually Wackson in disguise?" she asked. "Because if it is I'll call of the clock ninjas..."

"IT'S TONY BLAIR, BITCH," shouted Dr Dave.

"Perhaps we should tell the truth," I said. "Why would she call the clock ninjas off if I was here?"

"It's a trap!" said Dr Dave, dismissively. "COME AT ME, CLOCKIES!"

The clock ninjas sprang into action. They moved so fast. I was soon in a daze. I saw them flying around, pecking at Dr Dave. He swung his umbrealla but couldn't hit them. Finally, he got angry and pressed a button. The tip of his umbrella transformed into the barrel of a gun!

"I'll blow you all away!" he said.

"No, that's murder!" I said.

"The lives of ninjas are forfeit, everyone knows that!" said Dr Dave. It was true, but this still didn't sit right with me.

"ENOUGH," said Tisiphone, stepping out of the giant clock face. "I know that's Wackson under the crude Tony Blair mask, I recognise his voice."

"The jig is up!" I said, pulling the mask off.

"Good to see you well, Wackson," said Tisiphone. "I thought Dr Dave had done you in."

"I'm confused," I said. "Why would you care about my wellfare if you've gone over to the dark side?"

"The dark side? What are you talking about?" she asked.

"It's a trick!" said Dr Dave. "She's trying to seduce you now, Wackson!"

"Wait...you don't think I'm working with Dr Dace's old associates do you?!" she asked in shock.

"Well you were working with the Chinese mafia and keeping watch over me!" I said.

"I took over the Chinese mafia a while ago, that's true," she said. "But I've been using them to do good! As far watching you, yes, I did. To protect you. I knew evil was coming...I just didn't know it was coming in the form of Dr Dave."

"I'm not evil, WOMAN, you are!" said Dr Dave.

"I heard you say you wanted to take over the world and thought I heard you killing Wackson!" she said, reasonably.

"Ha! So you admit to buggin the food!"

"To make sure it was really you, yes!"

"And what about the bomb the delivery boy was wearing? And the bomb in the food!?" asked Dr Dave.

"Dr Dave...have you gone mad?" she asked.

And, looking at him, pointing his gun umbrella at her...I was beginning to think he had.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I have NOT!" said Dr Dave, firmly. "What about Crumblebiscuit, hmm? Explaine that one, Lady Dacer!"

"Professor Crumblebiscuit?" asked Tisiphone.

"You admit it!" said Dr Dave.

"I haven't seen him in years! I did con him out of his sock collection, but he never got revenge."

"He came round to my place to kill me. YOU told him I was back!" said Dr Dave.

"I did no such thing!" she said.

"There isn't actually any evidence that Crumblebiscuit coming was connected to the Chinese person coming," I said, reasonably. "In fact we did go out to lure Crumblebiscuit to your place..."

"That's just what she WANTS you to think, Wackson!" said Dr Dave.

"Oh, Dr Dave..." said Tisiphone, sadly.

"Give me a moment," I said to her. I took Dr Dave to one side. "I see what you're doing now!"

"Hmm?" he said, looking around at the clock ninjas, on edge.

"You're feigning that you've gone mad, pretending you've lost touch! Like you did when you made the Chinaman think you'd been poisoned! Clever!" I said, overjoyed at working it out.

Dr Dave looked at me with sad, haunted eyes. "This is no act, Wackson," he said. "This is as real as it gets." He walked back over to Tisiphone, leaving me stunned in silence.

"Look, if Crumblebiscuit is on your case you can take some of my clock ninjas to fight him," offered Tisiphone.

"Oh, he's already dead, forget him," said Dr Dave. "I'm still not convinced you're on my side, either."

"When you were in Europe, a Chinese lad came to help you on your adventures, did he not?" asked Tisiphone. I felt a flash of jealousy again.

"Yes," said Dr Dave. "A fine chap!"

"I sent him, Dr Dave," she said. "As leader of the Chinese Mafia it was in my power."

"You!" he said. "Then...then maybe I have misjudged you."

"Wouldn't be the first time," she said, rolling her eyes. "Now, let us say no more! I created the clock ninjas because I knew Dr Dace's assocaiates were back. They have been on the lookout for them. My CHIEF CLOCK NINJA spotted something, didn't you, Clockie?"

"That's right, mistress," said the Chief Clock Ninja. I wondered what he looked like under that clock mask. "I believe I saw BULLFIGHTER BARRY at the zoo! He stepped behind the reptile house and VANISHED."

"Bullfighter Barry!" said Dr Dave. "I fought him in Spain! He escaped me there."

"What happened? I asked.

"I sent a bull after him!" said Dr Dave. "Not my most tactical move but it was the only weapon I had to hand. He defeated it with the aid of a RED RAG. I always suspected he had a secret hideout behind a reptile house at some zoo!"

"Then we'll seek the bally rotter out!" I said. "Make him sorry he came back."

"No, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "We'll enter his secret hideout while he is away, find any communications he's haad with the rest of Dace's gang, then arrange a meeting of them all pretending to be Bullfighter Barry. Then, when they're all together...IT'S SLICING TIME!"

"That's the Dr Dave I remember!" I said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
We headed out to the reptile house after some final words with Miss Tisiphone Adler. She wanted to send her clock ninjas with us in case Dr Dace's goons were lying in wait (as goons tend to do) but dr Dave insisted we go alone. She looked hurt at this.

"Why didn't you let one of the clock ninjas come with us?" I asked.

"I already let one of Tisiphone's associates travel with me back in Europe," he said, sadly. "I got him killed."

"You can't blame yourself!" I said. "It's a risky business being your pal, to be sure, but I would trade it for nothing."

"Truly?" asked Dr Dave.

"Truly!" said I. "For the last few years I've been so bored without. I've tried to make my life count by solving crimes...but it was nothing compared to the life I had with you. Nothing."

"It was something, Wackson," he said, brightening up slightly. "You kept the flame burning. It's not quite ready to go out yet. Not until it burns every one of Dr Dace's minions TO DEATH."

"Well, quite," I said, worried again. We were in the zoo now, approaching the reptile house.

"Hold on," said Dr Dave. "We should stake out the reptile house from inside the goose house."

"I don't trust geese," I said, with a shiver.

"And well you should not!" said Dr Dave. "Filthy creatures. But their ghastly home offers the best view of the reptile house. We'll wait here for Bullfighter Barry to show his face. You know, it's strange. Even though Bullfighter Barry was loosely assocatied with my brother he had no true allegiance to him. He only helpd me brother out once because it meant he got to fight bulls. It was that time my brother was robbing the bull farm. Anyway, my point is, Bullfighter Barry is generally a loner. If he's working with somone...it must be someone impressive. Or they have something over him."

"Maybe they have evidence that he lost a fight with a bull," I suggested.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said Dr Dave. "Wait, here the villain comes!" Bullfighter Barry came sneaking out of the reptile house. He looked around, obviously suspicious that someone could be staking him out. But he didn't look over at the goose enclosure.

"I see!" I said. "No man would look at geese by choice. That is why this is the perfect hiding place!"

"Indeed, that was my aim!" he said, proud. "But let us enter his lair now. I can't stand to be around those geese anymore!" He shook his fist at a goose which approached him.

We went over to the reptile house. It was a simple matter for Dr Dave to pick the lock with his umbrella. Inside we found a secret hideout full of bullfighting material. And not much else.

"Look at this pile of horns!" I observed.

"No clue there, he always travels with the horns of the bulls he has killed. But look at this! His vile diary!"

"I'll keep watch at the door, you read it!" I said.

"Off for meeting with HER at the EMTPY PLACE later. Can't wait! Hope to kill some bulls on the way back. I fucking hate bulls. Bye for now!" he read. "That's today's entry!"

"Her?" I asked. "Could it be...that Tisiphone has played us false!? And the empty place again? What does that mean?"

"I do not know," said Dr Dave. "But there's a POST CODE on the other page. I'll copy it down!"

"Oh no!" I said. "I see Bullfighter Barry headed back! We have to go, now!"

We ran out of the reptile house...but Bullfighter Barry was almost upon us. And he had his bullfighting sword.

"Who's there!" he said. "Is that a bull? If it is I'LL KILL YOU! And if not...I'll kill you LIKE a bull!"

But just at that moment a GOOSE flew out of the darkness and attacked Bullfighter Barry. Dr Dave and I ran off as he slaughtered it like a bull.

"You left the door to the goose house open, Wackson," said Dr Dave. "Good show!"

"I just hope no more got out," I said, as a sinister goose watched from the shadows.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
We started the long walk to the location we had found in Bullfighter Barry's diary. It did not seem any geese were following us, which naturally was a great relief.

"I just remembered, Bullfighter Barry does have a weakness for women," said Dr Dave. "Whoever the HER he is meeting with is it is likely that he finds her highly attractive."

"Women!" I said. "Nothing but trouble, most of the time! Miss Tisiphone though...I'm sure she's different. I should not have suggested that she is HER."

"There's on way to find out," said Dr Dave, texting someone on his telephone. "I'll ask Tisiphone to meet us at the coordinates. If she blanches then we'll know she's HER. If she meets us there...I'll be able to tell from her face if she's playing us true. I know you think I've lost a step, Wackson..."

"No!" I said.

"...but I can still read people. I did a lot in Europe."

"What else did you do in Europe, when you weren't hunting down your brother's men?" I asked. I still didn't know much of his activities over the last two years.

"Well, I did teach myself computer rendering," he said, modestly. "Just to pass the time. I'm an experton computer generated imaginery now."

"Good show!" I said. "You never know when that will come in handy. Did you get up to much else?"

"No," he said, a dark look coming over him again. We did not speak for a while. Finally we were nearing the coordinates. A van drove up before us. We jumped down behind a bush. But then Miss Tisiphone Adler stepped out of the van. She looked around. She took a few steps foward...then tripped over a tree root.

"Ouch!" she said.

"That proves it!" I said. "If she'd been here before she would know about that tree root! She can't be the mastermind!"

"Unless she knows we're watching," said Dr Dave. "Still, I choose to trust her." He stepped out. I followed.

"There you boys are!" said Tisiphone. "Why walk?"

"It's often the safest way to get somewhere," said Dr Dave. "Now, it seems the villains are over this fence! Let us go!"

We climbed up the fence...and there was nothing but an empty field on the other side.

"I don't understand," said Dr Dave.

"Oh, Dr Dave..." Tisiphone.

"Maybe there's something underground!" I said, preparing to hop over the fence.

"NO!" said Dr Dave, pointing to a sign. "It's a MINE FIELD!"

"But...how can they have a base in a mine field!?" I asked.

"They can't," said Dr Dave. "It was all a trick. A distraction. To get us out of the way...but why?"

"Hey, there's a news report on my iPad," said Tisiphone. "It's...an attack! ON LONDON!"

"NO!" I said, looking at the iPad. "It's like Star Trek: Into Darkness. Only real!"

Dr Dave looked too. Then he turned and started walking away.

"Where are you going!?" I asked. He looked broken.

"Into exile, I must go," he said. "Failed I have."

"No!" I shouted. "It's not your fault, we...we had no way of knowing!" But he just kept walking.

"What do we do now?" I asked Tisiphone.

It was then that the sound of gunfire was heard.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Down, Wackson!" said Tisiphone, pushing me behind the van she had arrived in.

"Where did they come from!?" I asked, looking around desperately. They had seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

"I don't know," said Tisi, "but I know where HELP is!" She jumped out and flung the door of her van open. TEN CLOCK NINJAS rolled out.

"You brought them!" I said.

"Of course!" said Tisiphone. "A woman should never travel anywhere without her clock ninjas!"

Tisi and I made our way out from under the van. We saw the clock ninjas engaged in comat with armed THUGS.

"Can they move in bullet time?" I asked, as I saw a thug take a shot at a clock ninja.

The clock ninja fell down dead.

"No," said Tisi, sadly. "It's lucky they're genetic experiments created by my science deperatment and not actually recognised as sentient beings."

"Yes, that is lucky!" I said. I kicked a thug in his knees as he approached me. Tisi took one out with a breast bash. The clock ninjas were fairing well too.

"That's strange, they're not actually shooting at us, just the clock ninjas," said Tisi.

"They must want us alive, but why!?" I said. Then, we saw him. Standing in the middle of the road. It was Bullfighter Barry. He charged.

I didn't know which said to dive to. Left or right? I had to make a decision...finally I went left...and so did Bullfighter Barry. He was a real pro. He tackled me and I hit the ground hard.

"Wackson!" said Tisi, running to my aid. But suddenly, a woman jumped out of a tree and kicked her in the face, knocking her out!

"Good move, THE FLYING FOX!" I heard Bullfighter Barry say before I passed out.

I woker to find myself and Tisi tied up. I could see Bullfighter Barry and The Flying Fox standing in front of me, along with another man I recognised from Dr Dave's files as being JACK DANGER, a former stuntman turned serial killer. There was yet another man standing in the shadows as well.

"You dacestards!" I said. "Where are we!"

"I think I know," said Tisi. "No windows. We're UNDERGROUND!"

"Quite right," said the voice in the shadows. Then he stepped into the light. It was Professor Crumblebiscuit!

"No!" I said. "I saw you die!"

"Ha!" he said. "A CLEVER RUSE on my part. I actually took a FAKE suicide pill that SIMULATES the effects of a REAL suicide pill! I'm perfectly fine! Except I'm hungry for pizza. Maybe I'll call for one..."

"They won't be able to deliver down here!" said the Flying Fox, as Professor Crumblebiscuit took his phone out to a call for pizza.

"That's right!" said Jack Danger. "You're in our secrete underground bunker...UNDERNEATH, the mine field!"

"But how could you build something underneath a mine field!"? I asked.

"Because it's an EMPTY MINE FIELD, you dunce!" said Bullfighter Barry. "It was empty all along!"

"Someplace empty...it was here!" I said. "And the HER you're working for...it's this FLYING FOX."

"Her?" asked Bullfighter Barry. "Ha!"

"I'm all the way gay," said The Flying Fox, eyeing up Tisiphone's breasts as she did.

"I don't sleep with evil women," said Tisi. "Only bad ones!"

"Then who!?" I asked. "Who is the mastermind behind all this!"

"Funny you should ask," said Bullfighter Barry. "She just got here after blowing up London..."

A woman stepped into the shadows...and I shuddered. Her face was horribly burned, making it impossible to tell who she was...but only down one side. She turned, revealing the other side of her face. I thoguht I recognised her...then realised I did. But it couldn't be! She was dead! She had perished in fire...yet here she was. Half of her, anyway. A hideously twisted smile on her deformed face. But there was no mistaking her.

Standing in front of me was my wife, Mrs Wackson.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top