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Dr Dave in 'The Case Of The Empty Mine Field'

"But you're dead!" I said. "You burned to death in that bra factory explosion!"

"Oh Wackson," she said, stepping towards me. She was hideous. Half her face completely burned away. The reach out with her good hand and touched me. "I survived!"

"So you're HER! The one in charge...you're the criminal mastermind!" I couldn't believe it even as I said it.

"You could call me that," she said, with a sickening smile.

"But why! Is it the feminists? Did they brainwash you into this? I knew they were silly, but this! You've gotten involved with real criminals! Blown up half of London!"

"Dear sweet Wackson, I was never a feminist, well, not the way the bra-burners were," she said. "That was just a cover for what was REALLY going on."

"Is it...is it because of my infidelities?" I asked, feeling shame for my indiscretions for the very first time. She laughed in my face.

"You think I cared about that? Ha! I was sleeping with Bullfigher Barry before you even took up with that tart Mollie!"

"It's true!" said Bullfighter Barry, smugly.

"You...you hussy!" I said. "It's worse when a woman cheats!"

"Seriously?" asked Tisiphone Adler, looking at me with disdain.

"Uhh...get back to explaining why you're evil!" I said to my wife. Women!

"I'll start at the beginning. I'm afraid to say I never loved you, Wackson. I knew you didn't love me either though, so don't act the wounded husband again! It was a marriage of convenience, for both of us. You got someone to look after you, cook and clean and ignore your many affairs, and I got to look respectable. Eyes were off me, as I plotted world domination. You see, I went to school with Dr Dace. He used another name then, of course, but it was him. I was struck by his vision. He wanted to end all crime, create a perfect utopia!"

"By killing anyone who'd commited even a minor crime!" said Tisiphone.

"Sure," said Mrs Wackson. "He was crazy, I accept that. But his vision was sound! The world is ruled by corrupt MEN, you know that, Tisiphone! And even you know it, Wackson. We need someone to give order...someone like me. It was when Dr Dace died that I finally made my move. Of course a nice side effect was that he took Dr Dave with him! Finally the world's greatest criminal AND greatest detective were gone! I stepped into the void left by the former, free from scrutiny by the latter. Dr Dace's former men were spread all over Europe, but through my lover Bullfighter Barry I contacted them. Now I was the leader of their gang! But to truly lead them, to become what I was destined to be, I had to disappear from even your eyes."

"So you faked your death," I said. "But then how did you come to be so hideously burned?"

"There was nothing fake about it," she said, bitterly. "I really did burn down that bra factory. Tell me, Wackson, did you never wonder why there were huge cases full of hundreds of bras lying around our home?"

"Why, I just assumed you needed them...for woman's reasons!" I said, blushing.

"Oh Wackson..." said Tisi.

"You never were much interested in my underwear, nor the contents of it!" said my wife. "You was making my own bras! Good ones, too! But there was one major competitor in the bra business. I had to burn down their bra factory, so I could be the only bra game in town! Unfortunately I didn't bet on them using ILLEGAL CHEMICALS in their bra manufacture. Half my body was burned to a crisp in the fire. But I survived. My hate kept me alive. Hate for the rival bra company and towars you, Wackson."

"ME!? I said. "I admit I wasn't the most...attentive, husband, but I never did you wrong."

"I didn't mind your affairs," she continued. "I could put up with that...but it was your intellectual affair with Dr Dave which drove me to hate you. I was an intelligent, well read woman, but you never took the time to talk to me. Not like you did with HIM. And after his death it was even worse! All I heard was how much you missed him, how you missed your great conversations...it made me sick. So yes, my hate for you helped keep me alive. And then I was free. My bras made me millions, enough to finance my criminal empire! Money brings power and I will use my power to insert my cohorts into every area of British life! Professor Crumblebiscuit will be the next Prime Minister. The Flying Fox will get the lesbians on my side. Bullfighter Barry will make bullfighting the most popular sport in the land and become a national hero! And Jack Danger will become a movie star, thanks to his amazing stunts. Then Britain shall be mine. AND THEN THE WORLD, AHAHAHAHA! AND THERE'S NO ONE WHO CAN STOP ME!"

Suddenly there was knocked on the door.

"Who's that!?" asked Jack Danger.

"Maybe it's my pizza!" said Crumblebiscuit.

"Don't be absurd!" said The Flying Fox. She opened the door...and a pizza boy stepped in.

"How did he even find us in this secret underground base underneath the empty mine field!"? asked Bullfighter Barry.

"I followed the trail of dead henchmen and dead clock ninjas!" said the pizza boy.

"I knew we should have cleaned them up!" said Bullfighter Barry.

"Kill him," said Mrs Wackson. "We can't have anyone knowing about our secret underground base."

"Aww, I wanted my pizza!" said Crumblebiscuit.

"You can have it...after I shoot this mook!" said Jack Danger. He took out a gun. Tisi and I were powerless to stop him. He aimed at the pizza boy and fired...and the pizza boy held his pizza up, blocking the bullets! He then HURLED the pizza at Jack Danger's face, knocking him out! The pizza rebounded and the pizza boy caught it. He pulled his pizza boy cap and wig off, revealing his true identity.

"And I delivered it in 29 minutes," said Dr Dave. "So you have to pay in full!"

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Dr Dave!" I ejaculated. "But how!"

"I'll explain in a moment, Wackson!" said Dr Dave, as he ducked a kick from the Flying Fox and puncher her on the right breast.

"You touched my breasts!" she said. "PERVERT!"

"Only one of them!" said Dr Dave.

"RETREAT!" shouted Mrs Wackson. "He has taken us BY SURPRISE! Crumblebiscuit, hold them off!" The Flying Fox retreated and Bullfighter Barry picked up Jack Danger to carry him off. Professor Crumblebiscuit pulled out his sword and waved it about.

"Stay back!" he said. "I'm a master swordsman."

"More like a masturBATOR!" I shouted. Tisiphone rolled her eyes. She still seemed angry at me for various remarks I'd made about my wife. Perhaps women really did have no place in the detective business.

"I'll stay back FOR NOW!" said Dr Dave. He pulled out a pizza cutter and sliced through the ropes binding me and Tisiphone Adler to the chairs.

"At last!" said Tisiphone. "Thanks for the rescue, but Dr Dave's wife has been one-step ahead of you all along."

"Oh, HAS SHE," said Dr Dave.

"You just don't want to admit you've been bested by a woman," said Tisiphone. "She blew up half of London, remember!"

"Oh, DID SHE!" said Dr Dave. "In my time in Europe I studied computer graphics, Miss Adler."

"Yes, you told me so earlier!" I said.

"As soon as I saw that explosion over London it was CLEAR to me that it was fake! That's why I PRETENDED to have lost spirit and PRETENDED to go home. I then watched you both be captured and mugged the pizza man and stole his clothes and added METAL to his pizza!"

"Good show!" I said, full of joy.

"Not a good show!" said Tisi. "You watched us be captured! We could have been killed!"

"No, 94% of the time the evil genius will leave the captured heroes alive to explain their plan," said Dr Dave, dismissively.

"What about the other six percent!?" asked Tisi.

"I don't like your tone!" I said, snapping at her. "Dr Dave is a BALLY HERO and only HE can stop my evil wife! Now PIPE DOWN, toots!"

"Your sexism will be you undoing," muttered Tisi. "Both of you."

"Anyway, to business!" said Dr Dave, after meeting her eyes for an intense moment. "Crumblebiscuit, throw down your sword! You cannot hope to best me!"

"Ha!" said Professor Crumblebiscuit. "I already bested you once! I took a FAKE suicide pill and you thought it was real!"

"Oh, I knew it was fake," said Dr Dave. "That's why I PRESSED UP AGAINST YOU and SWAPPED your fake pill for a REAL suicide pill! It's one of those DELAYED REACTION suicide pills! And it should be kicking in...right now!"

"Oh God!" said Crumblebiscuit. "NOOOO!" He collapsed.

"Is he dead?" I asked.

"No, I just induced a panic attack!" said Dr Dave. "I didn't give him a suicide pill at all...but rather a pill that would make him crave pizza! That's how I knew there would be a pizza delivery boy outside!"

"You think of everything!" I said, hugging my friend. I turned round...to see Tisiphone Adler aiming Jack Danger's gun at myself and Dr Dave.

"You didn't think of this," she said.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"I KNEW IT!" I said. "I'll admit, I got her wrong before. I thought she was one of the few, THE VERY FEW, good women. But ever since we were captured by my wife she's been making UPPITY comments! Another woman out of line! She needs a good husband!" Tisiphone slapped me.

"Oh would you SHUT UP, WACKSON!" she said. "I've always thought there was something off about you and the way you treated women, but you've taken it to a whole new level today! Does it make you feel inadequate, seeing how your wife fooled you? Hearing how she took so many lovers without your knowledge? Did it make you feel small, you pathetic little man!"

"She's being mean!" I said, feeling my face turn scarlet. "Punch her, Dr Dave!"

"Let her continue..." said Dr Dave. He was looking around for something.

"In many ways, your wife is RIGHT. Women SHOULD rule the planet. It would be a much finer place indeed!" she said.

"She's gone mad!" I said.

"And YOU, Dr Dave," she said, rallying on my friend now. "You act like you're in control, but you're flying by the seat of your pants! Your breakdown before, at the clock museum? I knew it was for real."

"It's true," nodded Dr Dave.

"And I bet you didn't know the London explosion was CGI right away...even if you did, you still shouldn't have left us! We could have been killed! You didn't know we wouldn't be. But you had to wait for a pizza boy to show up! How did you even know that would happen?"

"In truth, I slip pizza craving pills to everyone I ever meet," admitted Dr Dave.

"So that's why I've been craving pizza!" I said, eating pizza.

"It's true, I endangered you both," said Dr Dave. He looked almost ashamed. "It has been...hard for me, returning here. Seeing you both again. The two most important people in my wife. The pressure to live up to your expectations...it's part of what brought on my breakdown."

"My dear fellow!" I said, wiping pizza from my mouth.

"He's probably just trying to emotionally manipulate me!" said Tisi. Dr Dave looked sad.

"That's the tragedy of my being," he said. "No one will ever truly know when I'm sharing my real feelings. So, which will it be, Tisi? Are you going to turn us over to Mrs Wackson and team up with her to rule the world as women of power?"

"Well, women SHOULD rule the world, but not THAT one," she said. "Mrs Wackson IS crazy...seventy bra workers DIED in that bra factory explosion. And I loved those old bras! No, I was merely going to suggest I PRETEND to go over to Tisiphone's side and hand you two over THEN turn on her and we kick ass and eat pizza!"

"Good plan," nodded Dr Dave.

"And why have you been so mean to me?" I asked.

"I think Dr Dave knows," she said.

"A gas has been released into this room," said Dr Dave. "A WOMAN-HATING gas. Your wife plans to use it against men."

"So THAT'S WHY I've been so sexist lately!" I said. "But why haven't you been affected by it, Dr Dave?"

"It can only magnify existing feelings," said Dr Dave. "I don't hate women. Whereas you, Wackson, are deeply insecure and sexually confused. You just hide it well."

"Good show!" I said. "I'm sure, Tisi, you slut. I MEAN, you nice lady!"

"Haha, that,'s okay," said Tisi. "I knew it wasn't really you. But when all this is over...you should see a therapist about your sexuality issues."

"Hopefully one with huge tits!" I said, overcompensating.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"It would appear this elevator leads to the detention level!" said Dr Dave, as we came across an elevator.

"I can't believe my wife managed to build such an huge base underneath the empty mine field!" I said.

"She's a woman of considerable resources, it would seem," said Tisiphone. "Quite impressive."

"Yes," I said, grudgingly, still try to shake off the effects of the woman hating gas.

"I don't thinkk she built this whole place, just the top level," said Dr Dave. "No, someone else built this place...some THING else. Something ancient."

"But what!?" I asked. But he did not reply.

"Now, remember the plan," said Dr Dave. "We pretend Tisiphone has capture me. Put this CLOCK MASK on, Wackson, pretend to be a Clock Ninja."

"Okay," I said, putting on a clock mask. "I wonder how those guys are doing."

"They all died," said Dr Dave, flatly. I looked at Tisiphone. She shrugged.

"Ninjas are bred to die," she said. But I heard her voice waver. There was a hole of sadness in her heart. One that could not be filled by clock ninjas.

There was a goon guarding the elevator. "Where are you taking that...thing?" he said, looking at Dr Dave. My friend pulled out the sword he had taken from Crumblebiscuit (who we had tied up in a closet) and stabbed the goon through the heart with it.

"Boring conversation anyway," he said.

"Uhh, you didn't have to kill him, we came up with a whole plan to get by..." said Tisiphone.

"Maybe the woman hating gas did effect me," said Dr Dave.

"But that was a man goon!" I said.

"It's hard to tell with the haircuts they have these days!" said Dr Dave.

"The goon has short hair!" I said.

"So do many women!" said Dr Dave.

"Check and mate!" I laughed.

"Will you two shut up! Let's just get down to the detention level and end this madness!" said Tisiphone. We got into the elevator. Dr Dave hit the button and it started to go down. But then, suddenly, there was a noise. A snapping sound!

"The cables!" I said.

"The elevator was booby-trapped!" said Dr Dave. "I've endangered you both again!"

"Or maybe it's just old and the cables snapped!" said Tisi. "Brace for impact!"

"How does one brace for impact?" I asked. But it was too late. The elevator crashed to a stop as it hit the ground. I was knocked off my feet. Tisi fell on top of me. I did not see where Dr Dave went. Dazed and confused, Tisi and I pulled ourselves up, finding the elevator door opened...

Bullfighter Barry, The Flying Fox and Jack Danger were standing there, pointing guns at us.

"It's Tisi and a clock ninja!" said Barry.

"That's no clock ninja," said my wife, Mrs Wackson, stepping forward. "I'd know my husband's crotch anywhere!"

"It's true, it's me," I said, pull the clock ninja mask off. "What do you mean to do to us?"

"Why, kill you, of course," said my wife. "AFTER, that is, I reveal to you our FINAL SECRET. You're at the lowest level of the facility now...and this is an ANCIENT facility. Originally it was a temple. Then a secret government facility was built around it, to house what lived in that temple, to keep it from the surface world. Eventually it was filled in with concrete and an empty mine field built above it to keep people out...until I found it. I used some of my bra money to dig up the concrete and build a secret based on an the surface, and an elevator leading down here...to the ancient temple of CRACKABOOM!"

"What does any of that mean, woman!" I ejaculated.

"THIS!" she said. Then she led me and Tisi, as her henchmen kept their guns on us, deeper into the facility. It was ancient, and stone, with carvings on the walls...carvings showing strange shapes in the sky and people gathered around, worshipping them. We came to a huge chamber. It was dark, until my wife lit a torch. And then I saw something I'd never expect to see. Even Tisiphone gasped in shock and reached for my hand. We were both shaking.

Sitting in front of us was a gigantic, slimey, multi-eyed alien creature.
 
"What is this madness!" I said. The alien was so, well, alien, that my eyes could hardly believe what they were seeing. Was it some kind of trick? An elaborate puppet? Maybe it was from a movie or something...yet how would they have gotten it down here? I look into one of its many eyes and saw an intelligence staring back at me. I felt tears in my eyes. It was so powerful. And it was chained.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" said my wife, as she stared at it too. Jack Danger, The Flying Fox and Bullfighter Barry stared in awe as well.

"Why is it kept chained up?" asked Tisi, as if she had read my mind.

"Because it's also dangerous," said my wife. "We've had Crumblebiscuit do many experiments on it. The creature can secreate chemicals that affect the human mind. The woman-hating gas, for example? Crumblebiscuit created that by applying certain pressures on the creature..."

"TORTURING IT!" raged Tisi, a lover of all living things.

"Sure, if you want to put it that way," said my wife. "If this creature was allowed to roam free it could easily end all life on Earth with its weapons! We're just using what it has to make the world a better place. Once Crumblebiscuit's research is complete we'll have chemicals to make people feel whatever we want them to feel. And then I shall rule not only Great Britain...but THE WORLD!"

"Of course!" I said, suddenly figuring it out. "It's the ALIEN that turned you evil! That's why! You're not really bad, you didn't really want to cheat on my with Bullfighter Barry, the alien made you! Its chemicals put SILLY IDEAS in your pretty little head! But now that we know this, we can get you away from its influence and make you into a good wife again!"

"Oh, Wackson," said Tisi. My wife laughed cruelly.

"I was fucking Bullfighter Barry every day long before I met the alien," she said. "No, I'm not a victim here, Crumblebiscuit made all of us immune to the alien influence. This is ALL ME."

"You harlot!" I said.

"What else can it do?" asked Tisi.

"Ah, I knew you'd be curious," said my wife. "You suspect, don't you? That I was actually KILLED in the bra factory explosion, that Bullfighter Barry brought me here as I lay dead, that the ALIEN brought me back to life, even with half my body burned to a crisp!"

"Well, no, I didn't suspect that at all," said Tisi.

"Oh," she said. "Well, it's true. And maybe, just maybe, the creature can repair your clock ninjas...or create NEW clock ninjas for you."

"I do miss my clock ninjas..." said Tisi.

"JOIN ME," said my wife.

"NO!" I said.

"No," said Tisi, kicking my wife in the face, almost casually. "I was actually impressed by you for a while, Mrs Wackson. But you're no feminist icon. You're just as bad as the men who rule the world today, if not worse! I doubt they use alien chemicals!"

"Fine," she said. "Then die, FINALLY DIE. KILL THEM, JACK DANGER, THE FLYING FOX AND BULLFIGHTER BARRY!"

I never did get to ask her why she'd used their full names. For it was at that point that Dr Dave dived down from the ceiling with his sword, chopping Jack Danger clean in half from head to toe.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Mind if I drop in?" asked Dr Dave. I chuckled at his good pun, as the two halves of Jack Danger lay at his feet.

"Good pun!" I said. "Where were you?"

"Hiding in the ceiling, of course! Always a wise tactic. But come, there's three more villains to defeat!"

"Well, Tisi and the Flying Fox are already fighting," I said. Tisi and the Flying Fox were matching each other move for move. "You take Bullfighter Barry and I'll take my wife."

"Are you sure?" asked Dr Dave.

"Yes," I said. "t's about time I got a DIVORCE!" But Dr Dave didn't laugh at my joke. He was already charging at Bullfighter Barry.

"Think you can defeat me by acting the bull?" asked Barry, with an arrogant smirk. "I thought you would have learned by now!" He pulled out his MATADOR CAPE. Dr Dave charged at it...but at the last second changed directions and crashed into Barry's stomach.

"What!" said Bullfighter Barry. "No bull has EVER thought of doing that before! I...I surrender!"

"Of course!" said Dr Dave. "Though you are an evil man who has killed many, you still cling to your bullfighter's honour. You cannot fight back once a bull has defeated you."

"It's a fair cop!" said Bullfighter Barry, letting Dr Dave handcuff him. "But when I get out of jail...I'm going to want a rematch!"

"My dear fellow, I will see to it personally that you are stabbed to death before you get out of jail!" said Dr Dave, who had many connections within the prison system.

Meanwhile, the Flying Fox was taunting Tisiphone.

"You fool, I don't follow Mrs Wackson because she's a feminist icon, or because she's great in bed," said the Flying Fox. "It's about POWER, Tisiphone. And once I have power...I'll get all the pussy to myself!"

"NEVER MINE," said Tisi. She ducked a flying kick then jump at the Flying Fox herself. But she didn't kick her, instead she wrapped her legs around the Flying Fox's neck then flipped her over onto her back!

"I'd be TURNED ON if that didn't hurt so much!" complained the Flying Fox.

Finally I came face to face with my wife. She stood next to the alien creature, petting it.

"Fitting that it should end like this," she said.

"Did you ever really love me?" I asked.

"NO!" she said. "I thought I'd already made that clear many times!"

"You must be stopped," I said. "No matter the cost." I charged at my wife...when she twisted a tentacle on the creature. An ALIEN GAS shot out and I got a full dose of it in the face.

"Now see the truth!" said my wife.

I saw myself, suddenly, as if I'd left my body. I was looking onto myself with other eyes...then I flashed back. I saw how I used to ignore my wife, how I cheated on her with so many women. I saw myself declaring love for young Mollie even as my wife waited at home with a stew on. I sas and finally understood what a horrible man and husband I was. And then I saw my wife ruling the world with her alien gas. But it wasn't horrible as I had imagined. It was a paradise! People were happy! There was no more war, no more murder! Everyone lived together in peace, united by love for my wife. It didn't seem to matter now that they were all being brain controlled. At least they were happy. Then I saw something else...some horrors. Not the alien. Something even worse, buried deep in the ground. Horrors my wife was saving the world from."

I feel to my knees. My wife stood over me.

"Finish her, Wackson, what are you waiting for!" said Dr Dave, running over.

"You know what must be done, husband," said my wife.

"Yes...MY MISTRESS!" I said. "I serve you now!"

I jumped up at an astonished Dr Dave, hitting him with a Dragon Punch.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Kill him!" said my mistress. "KILL HIS ASS!"

"I...perhaps it is not necessary to kill him, my lady?" I offered. I wanted to obey my mistress, but something was telling me to show mercy to Dr Dave, even though he was a fiend. "Nothing can stop you now!"

"I want him dead, Wackson," she said. "DEAD AS SOME DOORKNOBS. Don't make me spray you with alien gas again! In fact, actually, let me!" She sprayed me with alien gas again. I felt the urge to kill Dr Dave rising.

"No, Wackson," he said. "Don't listen to her! I am your friend!"

"You WERE my friend!" I spat out. "But you left me! FOR YEARS. You never should have come back, Dr Dave. Our friendship is the past. YOUR DEATH is the present!"

"If I have you defend myself, I will," said Dr Dave, making his way to his feet.

"And so it is," I said. I flew at him with my Wackson Flying Kick. He knew it was coming, of course, he knew me so well. But he didn't know I had also developed a Wackson Flying Punch, which I followed up with, knocking him to his knees.

"Remember all our time together!" said Dr Dave.

"DIEEEEE!" I said, hitting him the chest with a spin kick.

"YES!" shouted my wife. "Soon the world will be ours! We shall restore order!"

"She's a power hungry maniac!" said Dr Dave.

"Like you're not!" I said, kicking him again.

"Point," he said. "But she wants to rule the world not to make it a better place, but for the pleasure it would bring her! Possibly a sick sexual pleasure!"

"There are horrors buried deep in the world!" I said, shuddering as I remembered them.

"It's a lie brought on by the alien gas!" said Dr Dave. "You have to stop this, Wackson."

"Oh, I'll stop this...by stopping YOU...FROM LIVING!" I said, throwing him to the ground with a judo throw. But Dr Dave spun round in mid air, landing on his feet, then sweeped my legs out from under me. He jumped on top of me, his hands at my throat.

"No!" said my wife. But I noted she did not run to help me.

"Remember, damn you!" said Dr Dave, shaking me by the neck. "REMEMBER!"

Suddenly my memories of Dr Dave flashed through my head. I thought of all the crimes we'd solved together. All the times we'd played Mario Kart. I wanted to serve my wife...but these memories were so strong, so happy.

"I...I remember! My friend!" I said. Dr Dave let me go and helped me to my feet.

"NO!" said my wife. "WHY DO YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN ME!"

"I always did," I said, with a smile.

"I'll just use the alien gas to POISON YOUR FACE!" she said. But, suddenly, the alien started to rise, lifted up by the very chains that imprisoned it. Dr Dave pointed to the rafters. It was Tisiphone! She was pulling on a mechanism.

"NO!" said my wife again.

"Oh, stop saying no!" said Dr Dave.

"She didn't say it in bed!" I said and we laughed. My wife walked over to where the alien had been...there was a pit. I walked over slowly, drawn to it.

"Wait, Wackson!" warned Dr Dave. But I looked down it.

There were creatures down there. Dark, horrible creatures. The horrors I had scene. And they terrified me.

"I told you!" said my wife. "If I can't use the alien to save the world...I'll throw myself into the horrors, taking YOU with me!"

She grabbed my arm.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
My wife dived into the pit, taking me with her. I grasped frantically for something to hold on to. I managed to grab some alien goop stuck to the side of the pit. But it was slippery, and I was holding up my wife with my other arm.

"COME WITH ME TO HELL!" she said.

"You will be tried for your crimes in a court of law!" I snapped back, trying not to look down. The horrors were down there. I knew I would be driven to despair if I looked at them. I looked up instead...and saw salvation. Dr Dave's umbrella.

"Take it, lad!" he said. I grabbed a hold of it and Dr Dave pulled me up. My wife struggled, but I didn't let her go. We were both pulled to safety by Dr Dave.

"You're safe now, Wackson," he said. "And you will face a jury of your peers, lady!" he said to my wife. She looked sad.

"I only wanted to make the world a better place!" she said.

"Maybe when you get out of prison...we can try to work things out?" I offered. It must have been the lingering effects of the alien gas, of course. She looked at me in astonishment...then broke down crying.

"Oh, Wackson!" she said. "For all your faults, your completely irrational optimism always appealed to me on some level!"

"NO!" came a voice. It was Bullfighter Barry! "If I can't have her, NO ONE CAN!" He charged at me, like a bull. I was rooted to the floor in shock. But at the last second, a ghust of wind knocked me out of his path. It was Dr Dave! He had opened his umbrella next to me. I feel to the ground...and saw Barry charged right into my wife. Both fell into the pit. There was no chance at all of saving them. Dr Dave ran over to the edge. I followed. We both looked down. The horrors were consuming my wife and Bullfighter Barry. Consuming their souls.

"Well, it's probably for the best!" said Dr Dave.

"Yeah..." I said. "I must admit, though she was a horrible creature, there was a time, even before she sprayed me with the alien gas, where I was tempted to join her."

"How long of a time?" asked Dr Dave.

"0.68 seconds," I said. "For a Wackson it is almost an eternity!" We both laughed at this clever in-joke as my wife and Bullfighter Barry screamed in supernatural agony.

Tisiphone walked over. "Well, I just communicated with the alien telepathically," she said.

"You can do that?" I asked.

"No, but it can!" she said. "It said it's actually here to GUARD the world against the horrors. It's sitting on the pit BY CHOICE to keep those evil demons inside. We better lower it back down again."

Dr Dave somehow used his umbrella to remotely lower the alien back onto the pit, where it sighed.

"It says thank you for all our help," said Tisiphone. "It didn't like what Crumblebiscuit was doing to it, using its gases for evil. It says it wants to spray us with a special gas as a thanks!" And, suddenly, a gas sprayed out of the alien's teats and enveloped us. I felt a feeling of pleasure I had never felt before. I thought of Dr Dave and our merry friendship as the feeling took over me. I saw Dr Dave and Tisiphone staring at each other intensely. I had never seen their eyes to alive with pleasure before. It was all so much that I couldn't speak for several minutes. And there appeared to be a mess in my pants. I lay on the floor in joy, running through my many adventures with Dr Dave in my head...and the many adventures yet to come. Finally I spoke.

"What was that?" I asked, looking up. Dr Dave and Tisi were lying beside each other, both completely naked.

"It was orgasm gas!" said Tisi.

TO BE CONTINUED
 
"Well!" I said, as Dr Dave and Tisi put their clothes back on. "It's odd that the orgasm gas made all your clothes fall off and you lie down beside each other!"

"Yes...odd," said Tisi, giving a 'is he for real?' look to Dr Dave.

"It's what the alien wanted," said Dr Dave.

"I guess we better call Inspector Tomtrek of the Yard and hand the remaining villains over!" I said.

"I don't think any survived," said Dr Dave.

"What?" I asked. "I know you rightly cut Jack Danger in two, and my wife and Bullfighter Barry plummeted to Hell, but there's still The Flying Fox."

"No, looks like she's been brutally stabbed to death," said Dr Dave, pointing at her body. Sure enough, she'd been brutally stabbed to death. Tisiphone's dagger was sticking out of her body.

"Well, that's unlucky!" I said. "How did that happen, Tisi?"

"Must have been the orgasm gas," she said. "Must have made me brutally stab her to death as part of some sick sex game between me and Dr Dave...I would imagine."

"Cripes!" I said. "Still, at least Professor Crumblebiscuit is still alive, locked in that close upstairs."

"That airtight closet," said Dr Dave. "I didn't think we'd be gone so long!"

"Inspector Tomtrek never would have believed us anyway," said Tisiphone. "Maybe it's better than the world doesn't know about any of this. Those horrors in the pit...there's a reason human eyes have never looked on them before. Our brains cannot handle it. It's like the alien explained to me..."

We each looked into its sad, ancient eyes. Its many, many eyes. I shivered.

"This is not a place for man," said Dr Dave.

"OR woman," said Tisiphone, with a wink. Dr Dave smiled...then stopped himself.

"We must go," he said.

We found a SECONDARY ELEVATOR which got us back to the surface. We found ourselves outside again. It was a relief to breathe in fresh air.

"Maybe we should fill this empty mine field with REAL MINES to stop anyway ever getting in," I said.

"Filling the whole place with concrete and a SECOND WARNING SIGN should do the job just as well," said Dr Dave.

"Well," said Tisi. "What now?" She was looking deep into Dr Dave's eyes now. Had something happened between the two of them? How could I have missed it!?

"What now?" asked Dr Dave. "I think you know the answer, Tisi. There's only thing for it."

"We go our seperate ways again," she sighed. "We don't have to get into a big thing over it. I understand. Your work is more important that any relationship. You can't have distractions...and I'd be a distraction. You have be on your own...apart from your ever loyal chum Wackson, of course."

"I'm sorry, Tisi," he said. "I know you must get lonely...perhaps you could make more clock ninjas."

"I'm thinking of getting into robotics," she said. "Well, I must away. Until the next time!" She cartwheeled off into the night.

"A fine woman!" I said.

"So, Wackson, things have changed," said Dr Dave. "Perhaps they will never be the same again. My time in Europe...it made me harder. More cold. Almost evil. I was losing control even when I returned here. You were right to fear for me. I almost lost everything...but you kept me anchored."

"And you can go back to being normal now!" I said. There was a distant look in his eyes. He did not answer.

"And what of you, Wackson? You lost your wife. You faced your issues with women. You may need counselling."

"Yeah, I probably will," I said, sadly.

"OR MAYBE," he said. "You just need...a trip to Cassie's foam bath house!" He handed me a voucher for a free weekend of foam baths.

"That will cure what ails me!" I said, excited. And I shook my friend firmly by the hand!

THE END
 
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